she knew before i did

[krakenshay]

its official, I am a single man. I broke up with my girlfriend. She knew before i did that something was wrong. I am really out of touch with my emotions and it takes me some to be able to articulate how I feel.

We live together, I am unemployed, friendless and homeless now. She ddint throw me out, but i dont have a home i can call my own since she paid all the bills. She asked why i cant take it back and the financial reasons are enough to try and pretend like everything is hunky dory when it isnt. but i am not that guy, i couldnt have gone any longer before the situation became toxic and the breakup became catastrophic for both of us. so i manned up, accepted my short comings and decided id figure it out once it was done.

being trans,i worry i wont ever find someone like her who accepts me, but the relationship didnt feel right and it would be unfair to keep her around just because im scared i cant find someone else. I love her, i care about her, i just cant be and dont want to be in this relationship. it doesnt feel right, it doesnt feel the same.

A new chapter begins, scared, I am very scared.

[spacerace]

You might the right choice.

It is better to feel afraid than worrying about being dishonest, especially with someone you probably still care for a lot on some levels.

It probably seems like everything is really dark right now, but hang in there - all is not lost.  Don't worry about not finding someone else, that will work itself out eventually. You've been in a relationship, and you'll find another one with someone better suited for you - probably at the same time you have other things worked out with your life, and you are happier with yourself, so all will be even better.

sometimes it seems like the right choices are the hardest. We can't always wait for the perfect time to make the correct decision, so is it good you decided to go ahead and share how you feel with her now.

If she is being cool and not throwing you out right away, I'd talk to her and see what she thinks will be happening in the near future. This way, you can try to make arrangements or find someplace else to go if necessary, and there will be no confusion about what either of you expects to happen. good luck.

[krakenshay]

Thanks Spacerace,

financially i cant move out right now, so i guess we have to figure out how to deal with bills and such while i live here and make some plans and stick to them as to how i intend to pay my share.

this is stressful as it is and living together is just additional stress which w both need to figure out

[Jeatyn]

This can be a really tricky situation but it sounds like you made the right choice, just leaving it to fester may have resulted in things turning nasty.

I was in a similar situation a few years back, it feels like the most awful thing to do. "Hey I want to break up, but is it cool if I still live here?" - but sometimes that's just the way life happens.

What I did while I was looking for work is take up a full time volunteer position. It gets you out of the house so you're not under each others feet all the time as well as looking good on a CV - as soon as I found a job and got my first pay packet I moved out into the cheapest place I could find. I also made sure I did more than my fair share of housework, as a way to contribute while I wasn't paying any bills.

It was a really rough few years but it all worked out in the end, I'm sure the same will happen for you

[spring0721]

Krakenshay,

I know it's hard right now, but I agree that breaking up was probably the most honest thing you could have done. Staying in the situation as it was 'pretending' everything was alright would have been decptive to both of you, but I'm sure it took a lot of courage still to make yourself go thru with it.  If she's letting you stay there temporarily, then if it were me i'd either ask if it could be a 'roommate' situation; if you all won't get along well as rommates then try your hardest to find a job and start saving asap! Or maybe another friend would offer you their couch until you get back on your feet?
As far ad you loving and caring about her, well of course you do.  Sometimes we can love someone alot , but that doesn't mean they're right for us in a romantic relationship. You may come to find out that the two of you can however be friends still. I know this is a rough time for you, so I'm wishing you luck and hope things turn around for you.

[krakenshay]

thanks folks, i appreciate it

we are living together, i have until the end of march to sort my ->-bleeped-<- out and hopefully i can move out. we are trying to make this as easy as possible and its going better than most breakups. we can have conversations and laugh together still and obviously we realize that we arent together then its awkward for a bit but i feel like we can salvage our friendship eventually,