You are being bullied, plain and simple.
Look at it this way. When she came out to you at Christmas time (first off, bad time of year for dropping that bomb, my perspective) You could have quickly turned to her said "You don't have the right perspective. It's the human condition to think the grass is always greener... Or you are just running away from your problems and responsibilites as a man. Etc. etc..
Now another perspective. Being trans is very likely not new news to her. She had whatever number of years or decades to grapple with it. How fair is it to expect you to instantly adapt in barely 2 months to a complete change of lifestyle, a complete redefinition of your marriage, the realization and sense of betrayal that the person you married was not that person at all, the very likel social stigma and allienation of friends and family?; and the list goes on.
I know it is far harder on a spouse for these reasons. Even if the spouse always knew to some extent that their partner is TG. My best friend, soul mate, and now wife and I have a 30+ year history. She knew from day one that I was TG, that I experimented at transitioning, been on/off HRT, but importantly, she knew and I affirmed that I decided to fake normal.
She is/was very understanding and supportive of the TG aspect of me. I had the luxury of escape from the male world, to cross-dress occassionally when needed. This was difficult for her as for days afterwards all she could see was Joanne (and believe me that takes a lot of imagination as the change is dramatic in my case).
Four years ago the excrement really hit the fan for me. A lot of soul searching led to the conclusion that many of the disasters in my life had a root-cause of me being trans. I needed to take on the beast. I needed to change a lot of my ultimately self-destructive behaviours that came as a result of all the TG baggage.
I had absolutely no intentions to transition. Been there, tried that. Besides, I made a promise to her, to us, we have a lot of shared dreams for our future, I have financial responsibilites. Even if I wanted to, it would be disasterous and not end well for either of us and as a couple.
A lot has changed over these past 4 years. I found a great TG group and got into therapy. Due to work I needed to move out of state and we needed to maintain a long distance marriage. She had big concerns over the TG group when she learned that pretty much all of them were TS, most full-time, others working towards it. "If you hang out with swans you may start thinking you are one" she said. Plus a big jealousy factor, one member, is a knockout and also an engineer like I am. I also have a history of having dated TSs prior to her. Over time, things changed. Presenting for the monthly meeting led to also presenting to see the therapist, which eventually led to living part-time as female.
We both place the others happiness above our own. We both know you cannot change another person. I know what a strain this is for my wife. She knows how much I've grown and changed as a person these past few years. Something she always tried to help me achieve. If she asked or said that she needed me to stop, I would. I've gone through some guilty periods and tried to anyway, pure misery. But if she needed me to, I know I could.
Understanding and supportive is relative. This part-time transition has been difficult for my wife to process. And she is about as close to an expert in matters relating to being a TS that you can find. We've had our up's and down's as well as plenty of tears shed on both sides. Our relationship is now stronger than ever. Still, our ultimate future is unknown between what I need to do to be happy and what she needs to do in response to that. She says still "I like men. I didn't marry a woman. If I wanted that I had my chance to". Also there isn't another person she'd rather grow old with and knock off our rocking chairs on the porch
BTW - The 25 anniversary of her SRS was New Years Eve
Yep, it is not easy on a spouse, even one that is an expert on the subject. Something your husband seemed to be foresaking with the rushing and pushing. Now guilt has set in. The only hitch to her plan is that IT NEVER GOES AWAY. You can find tricks like diversions, distractions and denial to minimize the feelings. Worked for me for a good 40 years. I wouldn't recommend it due to the cost to your humanity and spirit.
