Use of improper pronouns and name Huge update!!!

[bethany]

The world(people) don't work that way.
I think it's annoying when trans people think they don't have to do a thing to pass.
YES, of course you have to present the gender you want to be referred as.
I kind of laughed when someone said that wasn't necessary.
Don't complain when you aren't trying.

I've been transitioning for over 2 years and have been on HRT for 1.5 and my family still calls me by my male name and pronouns and even though it does bother me I know it's not my fault.
That's when you can say people are being stubborn.
But Bethany is the stubborn one here.

Yes I am stubborn, I am fighting for what I think is right. I am the first transgendered person who has lived in this nursing home. I have people who work here who are on my side in this argument. They see it as a respect and dignity issue, as do I.

[bethany]

How people present is unimportant. Accepting yourself is. Transitioning (hate the word) is not how you look or how you present, it is how you accept yourself.

Bethany you may may wish to show it to the staff of your nursing home. I realise you are in a difficult situation in many different respects but you are a woman and a person who has dignity and pride, both of which demand respect.

I shall post this again.

As others have said transgender is not a choice it is part of you, like your skin colour your ethnicity your eye colour. It isn't something you can switch on or off. Though many of us try.

I thought I'd copy this from the Australian sex discrimination laws, some of the best in the world, but it states what Australian law considers a legal transgender person, they are copied from www.gendercentre.org.au and excellent resource for transgender people.


Who is counted as transgender under anti-discrimination law?

If you live, have lived, or want to live as a member of the opposite gender (sex) to your birth gender, the  anti-discrimination law counts you as transgender. This means you are legally counted as transgender if:

·   you want to live as a member of your preferred gender (the opposite gender to your birth gender);

·   you are in the process of changing over to your preferred gender;

·   you live as a member of your preferred gender;

·   you have lived as a member of your preferred gender in the past; or

·   you are intersexual (born with indeterminate sex, for example, with sexual parts of both sexes) and you live as a member of your preferred gender.

You do not have to have had any sex-change or other surgery. You do not have to have taken any hormones in the past or be taking them now. It does not matter what your gender was at birth.

It does not matter which gender is your preferred gender. It does not matter why you are transgender. It does not matter how you describe or label yourself (for example, as transgender, ->-bleeped-<-, transsexual or something else).

What matters is how you live and behave, or how you want to live and behave. If you fit any one of the "rules" listed above, then the anti-discrimination law counts you as transgender.

No where in this does it mention what you look like.

No where in this does it mention how you sound.

Your sex and your gender are in your brain, they sit next to your dignity.

Just my thoughts.

Cindy

Thank you Cindy, I will show them that if I need to.

[bethany]

I'm sorry if I offended anyone I was just trying to help. I just think you will catch more bees with honey than vinegar. That's it. It was a suggestion.

Joanna, no worries at all I don't get offended very easy. And when I do it's because of someone being ignorant and unwilling to listen to a different side of a discussion than their point of view. You made valid points here and I respect that. 
I know I might be pushing things to fast but that is only because I feel uncomfortable hearing my birth name and male pronouns when being spoken to or about.

[bethany]

I know people must be getting tired of me posting about getting upset over people calling me by my birth name and using what I think to be improper pronouns. So if you are, stop reading and hit the back button.
Starting a rant now. 

Today I got called in by the administrator to have a conversation about where the home stands on this issue. Here is what she told me. "That there may be people working here that are uncomfortable with me transitioning. That I am one of sixty people, and they have to treat everyone equally." So far I'm fine with that but she went on to say that (and this is where I get confused as this makes no sense to me what so ever.) "That they will get confused" (Who They? The workers or the other residents?) And then she implied that if I get called by a preferred name that the level of care will somehow go down for the other residents. (Really how so?) Oh Plus she was kinda upset that I had brought the ombudsman in on this. She is doing some research to see how other places would handle this situation.

After she was done talking I told her that I don't agree where the home stands on this but respect it. Oh I will and have continued this fight.

When I got back to my room I looked up some things on the web regarding residents' rights and the topic of providing transgender inclusive healthcare services.

I found an excelent site that has a large pdf file about this subject. (found here http://www.plannedparenthood.org/ppsfl/files/Southern%20Finger%20Lakes/Providing_Transgender_Inclusive_Healthcare_Handbook.pdf
I read through it and found it fitting for my situation. I downloaded it and than emailed it to the adminastrator, the social worker, the director of nurses, and the admissions coodinator. Along with the following message.

The attached file is titled Providing Transgender Inclusive Health Care Handbook. I would like for you to take the time to read through it. It discusses many topics that may be faced in the future. And I feel this could be a good learning tool for the home.

On the bottom page 6 of this document it explains the use of preferred names over legal names very well.

In the middle of page 7 it covers the use of pronouns.

My reasoning for talking to the ombudsman was to find out how other facilities would or how they are handling a  situation like this. So that the home could use that as a model. 

Thank you for your time,

Bethany Dawn

P.S.

I wont sign my legal name to my email any more.

[bethany]

8 months into HRT and I am still fighting this. The good news is my name change should be legal within a few weeks now. Can't wait for that!!!

[Devlyn]

Big hug! This is why we always talk about little steps and patience. You're getting there, hon! Hugs, Devlyn

[Lesley_Roberta]

"I know people must be getting tired of me posting about getting upset over people calling me by my birth name and using what I think to be improper pronouns."

Doesn't bother me in the slightest Bethany, post EVERY time you are upset, I'm ok providing an ear (or eyes in this case) when you need to vent.

I've known the feeling of needing to vent.

[Alainaluvsu]

I'd just like to point out that even I have slip ups with trans people that don't present as their target gender. And by presenting I mean making very little change to anything that would have the outside world (strangers) to perceive you as female in spirit.

We can make the argument all day long that cis people do boy stuff and blah blah blah, but many of us have no chance of being perceived the part by doing boy stuff while cis people have the "privilege" (for lack of a better word) to generally still be perceived as their gender.

It is what it is.

[Leo.]

I think its great you're fighting so hard for what you believe in Beth. You are a woman and deserve the respect to be called what you wish. To me when people deliberately ignore it (my name is legally changed and they still ignore it) it says they dont respect me. Cant believe how long they've been acting this way about it. Honestly it'd be easier for them if they just did what you wanted and you'd get off their backs about it. Why does it matter if other people 'get confused'? So its ok to disrespect you for their benefit? Everyone deserves respect and your wellbeing shouldnt come after their 'confusion'. Seems like they're just being stubborn and trying to find any excuse as to why they cant do what you're asking

Its not even for just within the home, if you can open their eyes a bit it can have influences upon their outsides lives as well and how they may interact with others too. If you can get them to change their viewpoint it'll of course benefit you but it could help other people as well to be treated more respectfully


I hope your legal name change will help you get this sorted out at least if they cant handle a 'known as' name. I get using it for legal reasons on legal documents and such but being called your preferred name around the house isnt much to ask for really. I hope things work out for you in the end. Its been a long time but I hope it will be worth the wait

[bethany]

I'd just like to point out that even I have slip ups with trans people that don't present as their target gender. And by presenting I mean making very little change to anything that would have the outside world (strangers) to perceive you as female in spirit.

A slip is one thing; but management is not allowing the rest of the staff to call me Beth. Once my name is legal; which should be this coming week. They have no choice but to call me Beth.

I think its great you're fighting so hard for what you believe in Beth. You are a woman and deserve the respect to be called what you wish. To me when people deliberately ignore it (my name is legally changed and they still ignore it) it says they don't respect me. Cant believe how long they've been acting this way about it. Honestly it'd be easier for them if they just did what you wanted and you'd get off their backs about it. Why does it matter if other people 'get confused'? So its ok to disrespect you for their benefit? Everyone deserves respect and your wellbeing shouldn't come after their 'confusion'. Seems like they're just being stubborn and trying to find any excuse as to why they cant do what you're asking

Its not even for just within the home, if you can open their eyes a bit it can have influences upon their outsides lives as well and how they may interact with others too. If you can get them to change their viewpoint it'll of course benefit you but it could help other people as well to be treated more respectfully


I hope your legal name change will help you get this sorted out at least if they cant handle a 'known as' name. I get using it for legal reasons on legal documents and such but being called your preferred name around the house isn't much to ask for really. I hope things work out for you in the end. Its been a long time but I hope it will be worth the wait

Thank you Leo, I hope my fight makes it easier for the next person who comes to live here. If not then this fight was all in vain.

[bethany]

Today the nursing home held an inservice for all staff. They invited a gentleman from Fenway health to run it. As of today staff are to call me by my prefered name of Beth or Bethany and use the female pronouns. It stinks that it took this day so long to arrive but it finally did! 

Now I am just waiting on the court to finish with their part to make my name legal.

[Devlyn]

Yay Bethany! Let's not worry about those days, today is the only one that matters now! Victory! Hugs, Devlyn

[Lesley_Roberta]

Awesome.

[Robin Mack]

I've been following this thread for some time, but didn't have any valid insight to contribute, so I've been waiting for this...

CONGRATULATIONS, Beth!!!!

The best part is: You won, completely.  Before the name change was official.  Way to go!

[Amelia Pond]

GREAT NEWS BETH!!! 

Amy

[Leo.]

Great to hear Beth  Your fight was worth it in the end. Maybe it will open their eyes to consider people's feelings and wants more than they apparently did. Even better you didnt have to wait until the official name change and can get the benefits of it now. Hopefully the other residents follow suit with the staff and do the same. Its worth being persistant to get to where you need to be

Glad you finally got the result you've been waiting for

[Beth Andrea]

Yay for Bethany!

[bethany]

Thank you everyone. It was well worth the fight.

Hopefully the other residents follow suit with the staff and do the same. Its worth being persistant to get to where you need to be

Glad you finally got the result you've been waiting for

That would be great and a few already do call me Beth but I don't expect it from most of the residents. There are a lot that have dementia, so that would be asking to much from them.