Are You Freaking Serious?!

[Liminal Stranger]

Okay, my mother gave me the whole chromosome BS this weekend. All of it, belittling me and mocking my intelligence, and telling me that no matter what I do I'll never be a real man.

Do all these transphobic parents read a book called How to Drive Your Trans Kid Insane? Why do they all repeat the same things as if they've been force-fed the words and they're spitting them out at their children?

My dad complained that:
a) I smell
b) Said bodily odor (which was, by the way, a combination of wet dog and febreeze mixed with a bit of sweat because this apartment is like a woman going through menopause and suddenly the heat actually works) was clearly and distinctly feminine. What was the point in saying that? Was it the fact that me having a type of late-onset CAH seems likely now, and that means you have to make sure to point out anything not hugely masculine in this body that has been subjected to the warpath of estrogen?

He took my guitar, leaned it on his sweaty shirtless stomach, and sing in a really bad Indian accent pretending to be Gandhi. He sang a line that went: "My daughter doesn't have a d**k/ But if she did she should take a shower" and I sat there furious.

They're horrid people and then tell me that I have to listen to them. This is ridiculous.

[Arch]

You really have to get away from these people. They sound ghastly. I wish I could help more.

[Angela???]

I agree, what an big A hole, I would leave if the option was there.

I have not told my parents I am Trans, and I don't think it will go down well at all.

Anyway I hope you can sort something out as It sounds like a place I wouldn't like either!

Big hugs

Angela

[Arch]

I thought parents weren't supposed to knowingly and intentionally hurt their children. Yet so many of our parents do. What is up with that? Are we so hateful that our parents loathe us and cannot even keep their disdain to themselves? And if an FTM calls them on it or shows any pain, they will say that if he were really a man, he would just take it. "Man up!"

(No, I'm really a man, and I'm telling you to shove it.)

I'm sorry, Liminal.

[FTMDiaries]

Ugh. Sorry you're having to put up with so much nonsense from your parents. Mine were just as bad, if not even worse. The sooner you can move out, the better. And it will happen; remember that & hold on to it.

I have to wonder: have you tried calmly telling your parents (in writing, if needs be) that you are going to do what you need to do no matter what they say, and that in five (or whatever) years' time they'll have a well-established son who is living his own life on his own terms... and if they want to be included in your future, they'll need to think very carefully about what that man will think about the things they said to him five years previously when he needed their love & support?

Paint them a picture of yourself aged (say) 25 and fully independent, then bring them back to the present and show them how their actions today could influence your choices about whether to include them in your life.

They're acting the way they are because they think they have power over you. As you mature even further, you'll discard their influence and make your own choices - and one of those choices may be to eliminate any negativity from your life. Despite the fact that your parents have fallen into some bad behavioural patterns, they won't want to be on the kill list.

[Devin87]

All you can do at that point is try your best to calmly and peacefully diffuse the situation.  Be a better Ghandi than him.    Say very calmly, firmly, and matter-of-factly "I feel hurt and disrespected when you make comments like that and I can't interact with you when you treat me that way" or something to that effect (use those "I statements"-- I feel ______ when you _____-- best thing to do when you're pissed off and speaking with someone you can't just flip out on-- I used them with my bosses a few times last summer).  Then just walk away, go to your room, and listen to music or something to de-stress.  Don't engage.  Calmly make it clear the behavior is unacceptable and remove yourself from the situation.  If you do that often enough, at some point the opportunity will arise to discuss it further when all parties can be calm and respectful (then I suggest still using those I statements).  Sometimes the kids have to be the adults in these situations.

[DriftingCrow]

He took my guitar, leaned it on his sweaty shirtless stomach, and sing in a really bad Indian accent pretending to be Gandhi. He sang a line that went: "My daughter doesn't have a d**k/ But if she did she should take a shower" and I sat there furious.

That's disgusting.

Just don't show any signs of being upset when they do stuff like this, because showing them you're upset will make them feel like they have more power over you and further encourage this behaviour.

[chuck]

You should have responded by retrieving you guitar an singing a response:

My dad doesn't have a clue but if he did, he would read a book or two

Options:

Stay there and miserable
Leave
Respond to their idiocy with jokes. Seriously, when they act like that sometimes you have to just be witty in response. Just throw some jokes right back at them without being defensive.
Ignore their foolishness - dont show any emotion at all. (think Tuvok) if you show anger they win.

[King Malachite]

That's tough man.  It seems like no matter how much you ty to educate them, they won't listen.  I say if they say something llike that again to just say "okay" and leave it at that.

[Simon]

Oh I look back on times I had like that with my dad now with whimsy. Yes, it does suck when a father thinks his child is a joke but seriously just consider the source. Really, the best thing I know to say is hang in there until you can get out on your own. If you're sociable getting a group of friends to talk to and be able to see to get out of the house more is helpful, if it's possible.

[Shodan]

He took my guitar, leaned it on his sweaty shirtless stomach, and sing in a really bad Indian accent pretending to be Gandhi. He sang a line that went: "My daughter doesn't have a d**k/ But if she did she should take a shower" and I sat there furious.

I have no words... That's...

No words....

What is he, 12?

[Liminal Stranger]

Yeah, my current problem is that there's no living relatives who would take me in. Only reason I haven't opted to live on my own is the issue of internet, and the issue with temporary housing is the possibility of encountering and living with people who are just as bad. Of course, then there's the other problem that holds me back, which is how they can act like parents who care and then I feel guilty. Basically, they're horridly screwed up from whatever they've been through and bully me as a result of it. Which still isn't an excuse.

I've got less than two more years here and they keep promising to find a psychiatrist they want (probably a transphobic one, knowing them) to hear the diagnosis from the mouth of a professional. All I want is for them to grow the hell up, because I'm sick of having to be the parent and then getting yelled at because I don't obey their every whim. They lost my respect over the years, and combined with my innate urge to question and challenge authority like every other kid my age does anyway, that doesn't look to good for the "do this unreasonable thing BECAUSE WE SAID SO" argument. It's annoying at best.

[Mosaic dude]

[censored].  Dude, that's beyond terrible.  I wish there was something I could do to help.

[Liminal Stranger]

Thanks. This was just more of a rant because I'm incredulous at just how immature they are. Situations like mine make me wonder why society still allows the people who brought a child into the world full domain over their lives without checking said people for competency first. To be blown off and screamed at about my problems and told this is what I'm seeing a therapist for whereas the remote being missing is a national crisis is insane. I was just screamed at because my mother mishears things to a point where it seems like she's doing it on purpose since there's not much wrong with her hearing, and also because "let me know when you're hungry and I'll make dinner for you" turns into "so now I'm a f**king short-order cook because you're too privileged to do anything yourself" and her complaining to my father about the terrible things I do once I actually am hungry and nicely request dinner. How horrible of me to ever ask for anything, and how selfish I must be for wanting to be myself and not a wife and mother. Even if I was somehow okay being a girl, that doesn't change that the anatomy doesn't seem all too inclined to allowing for children, and she needs to accept that fact. I don't really feel like suffering because my parents have to turn something into a gigantic issue that could be solved with care and unconditional love...and maybe even support? But nope, that's terrible of me to want. Instead, I get told to kill myself rather than transition and that if I dare take hormones or cut my t*ts off that I will be disowned and no longer loved.

That came in a very vulnerable moment when I asked if she would still love me if I pursue this and it's not just something I put in my head. Really, exact opposite of what I needed to hear.

[Arch]

Virtual hug.

And I don't hug just anybody. Only liminal beings...

[Liminal Stranger]

Why thank you. Virtual hugs back.
Interestingly enough, nobody's said anything about me wearing boxers again...progress. Think I might ask for a haircut soon and see how it goes.

[Carrie Liz]

Oh my God... I just have absolutely no words.

After reading about that "song" that you mentioned in the opening post, never in my life have I felt more inclined to wish that I could stand in front of a group of people and tell them to go f*** themselves.

You've got to get out of there. I'm serious. That's not just bad parenting, that's pretty much emotional abuse. That home situation is poison. I'm so sorry that you have to put up with that crap from your own parents. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment.

I mean yeah, maybe it's just a very strong reaction to that common first phase of denial, or of thinking that it's just a joke, which many parents admittedly have to go through when their child admits to being trans, but still... sheesh. What you describe is absolutely terrible.

[Liminal Stranger]

The reasoning appears to be that I'm doing this to punish my mother and cause her stress and show that I can't be controlled and can do and have anything I want because I'm such a spoiled brat, therefore the proper course of action is to make me stop "pulling this nonsense". Anything I have to say is only to aggravate them. Anything I do is an act of rebellion. They don't want me speaking or living the way I should because it's not what I should say or do in their eyes. The baby my mother gave birth to had two X chromosomes, end of story, stamp on the forehead for life. Who cares what "psychotic notions" I've put in my head?

Thing is, they don't seem to care that I want nothing to do with them when I leave. So be it- maybe I'll finally start on a faster road to recovery when people stop drilling potholes in it.

My dad doesn't want me cutting my hair, I should instead grow it out because it looks pretty on me. Never mind that my short stature and younger-looking face make passing hard enough, it doesn't matter that it'll make me look like a girl because that's what I am. He would rather have the daughter he loves than a son he doesn't know. Where is the love in any of this? Every time I speak to them I feel hurt and rejected. The only way he'll accept it and "know in his heart" is from a "licensed professional" telling him so. Because I can't possibly be trusted to know myself. So just get someone already and stop hurting me, then...

[Carrie Liz]

^Yup... denial. Complete and utter denial. They've written their own life script for you, and as such they are trying to find any excuse that they can for why the things that you say aren't true, and why you are still the person that they think you should be in their own eyes, and they're fighting back against it, and refusing to believe it, because they've always seen you a certain way and just can't imagine changing that.

It happens, dude. And unfortunately, it's not always easy to change. I'm having the same denial issues with my dad right now. He's constantly trying to explain it away, says things like "well, that doesn't mean anything" and "come on, you're joking, right?" when I try to explain to him why I've always felt transsexual.

In your case, with how strongly they are pushing back, you really are going to need to get out of the house as soon as you can do so. Because as long as you're still living there, it sounds like they're still going to think that you're just being bratty and rebellious. I really do believe that their tone will change if you move out, and are living on your own, and yet you still keep pursuing transsexualism. It's easy to belittle your kids and fight with them and fail to sympathize with them when they're still living in the same house, but when things still persist even after moving out and starting your own life, the tone really does change.

[Liminal Stranger]

I'm banking on this promise of finding someone who will give an official diagnosis being something they'll keep, because I have had enough time to erase the doubts on the subject through thoughts of whether or not I could actually live as a female, and if not then where I fell in the scheme of things. Anyone trained to look at the issue objectively will have the power to step back and see me, not because I demand them to, but because they have that skill set.

Really, I want to be their son, but at the same time I am too angry to want to be theirs. All my life I've tried so hard to win their affection and it never worked- why should I believe that all of a sudden they care and know me better than I do and have any intention of letting me be myself? It's one of the most basic rights we as people have. I'm sick of being treated like some sub-human being rather than as an individual capable of feelings and thought.