Welcome to the forum, randomroads, and thank all of you for the replies. Luckily, I do have a therapist whom I see on Wednesdays, so I only have to get through one more night and school day. In the meantime, I'll respond to everyone.
FTMDiaries: I have, and my mother said I'm forcing her hand and that she needs to have me put away in a mental institution because I obviously have something seriously wrong with me if I would do something so disgusting. It's as if I told them I was running away to shoot up heroin and make a living dealing drugs and running a prostitution ring or something. My mother says she won't let me throw my life away, because obviously all the successful transgender people I've shown her were part of my made-up sick fantasy, too.
Devin: Yep, tried "I statements" a number of times, only to get an answer along the lines of "Well, I don't give a s**t how that makes you feel. You're not going to manipulate me and wear me down until you get your way".
LH: That's the problem: They're bullies. But if I ignore them, they get angry that they aren't getting to me and retaliate for my "insolence".
chuck: The problem is that if I try doing something like that back, they'll say my birth name in this serious voice and both lecture me at the same time about how disrespectful I am and that I'm so ungrateful for the fact that my father works in order to put a roof over my head and make sure I have food and clothing.
Malachite: Same problem, they don't like being ignored.
Simon: I have friends to talk to despite them claiming I have none, but it's not fair to place the burden of my daily horrors onto other people. That's why I wait for it to dissolve and just bottle things up.
Shodan: Doesn't seem like he's aged since then. He hates me because my mom keeping me meant he had to take up a little responsibility because a child was involved.
Mosaic Dude: Thanks, man. You too, Arch.
cheetaking243: I can understand denial and confusion, but not like this. They act as if I'm a criminal who has committed some heinous crime, killing their daughter or something. I'm here, not this ideal daughter they want (and never even really had! I liked pink and ballet when I was a toddler, then it was a tomboy "phase" from the third grade onward) who grows up to be beautiful and marry some dream guy and have a beautiful family to take care of. That's not who I am. That's not how this story goes.
Snickerdoodle: They have the notion that being parents means that they own every part of me, including my mind.
Mr. X: Probably so, the therapist will do for now. Going to ask what she thinks I should do to cope, just to have multiple plans for this situation. The physical abuse I can most certainly take, ironically so since my body is all messed up and injured, but the emotional abuse is what hurts the most. At least no one's hit me in a while, only had a door slammed into my wrist this week when my mom kicked it to hit me during a rage fit. Though it's gotten better...I know I should call child services when they do that stuff, but then they're normal and the guilt kills me inside and stops me from making that call. They've found two psychiatrists they approve of to get some evaluations, and a diagnosis of GD if all goes well. Here's hoping they aren't looking for a transphobic doctor who will try to force me into the role of a girl.
Darrin: Yes, I'm in school and planning to be for a while, though I can eventually get out of here. Like I said before, the therapist is the person I talk to, other than when I rant here or to my boyfriend or one of two really close bros of mine. Susan's has helped me keep my own insanity meter in check, a Herculean feat in this house.
randomroads: That's awful...I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Unfortunately for them, I've already come out to a bunch of people at school, with zero problem among said folks when it comes to acceptance. My father still blames me being out of control for incidents that could have easily brought about my death at his hands.
Yes, let's take the tiny, fragile 7 year old's video game they were playing in the closet because Daddy was yelling at Mommy again and throw it at the wall, and leave them against that wall with a concussion when they protest. Let's listen to your child's younger cousin who is a notorious liar, get angry over it and decide this behavior needs to stop, and then hit them in the back of the head and drop them in the street without caring. No, you didn't dislodge my nails from your hand like you told the police. I cut them that morning. You were drunk and violent and I was the target of your anger again. Really, I only played amnesia so that the child support checks wouldn't stop- social security isn't enough to live off of, even for one person.
Apparently being allowed to "smash my breasts with tights" is such a wonderful privilege. Thanks, Mom! Thank you so much for letting these straps saw into my shoulders to the point where even big padded band-aids can't stop the raw strips from oozing. If only there were a solution- oh, I don't know, letting me have a binder? No, that'd be silly! Don't give in to the demands of your bratty "daughter"!
