how to relax

[salemasss]

Yes. It still be something in my mind that I'm only searching for excuses not to transition because I'm to scared to show that I'm a woman. But arguments are still there. One of them is that I can get myself sometimes almost vomiting when I imagine I have a female body, and the other is that even when I thought I was a woman I hardly tried dress like one. Even yesterday I was thinking of putting something on myself that it would look like that I have breasts, but for some reason I didn't do it. Wasn't ready for it. I had done it earlier though. Couldn't say that I felt any different. I don't like doing that. Both my counsellor and my psychiatrist say that it only looks to me that I'm transgendered. And as I said I thought that counsellor was just stupidly stubborn to believe that I'm not TS but later she asked me when could you tell if the person is telling the truth and confirmed that when I was trying to convince that I was a woman I didn't sound like I believed in it, was doubting and even contradicting myself, to what I was saying. I have to remeber that I have just a very complicated mental disorder. It's funny because it looked that I really believed that I was trans but I remeber catching myself having doubts. I could visit a therapist abroad, but as I said I have to keep thinking that I'm not trans because otherwise I just feel very sick and powerless to get a job.

[salemasss]

Today I feel different. I don't want to be a man. I think. I feel really depqessee. I guess once i move out of my parents i'll just try going out dressed like a woman and see how it feels

[Jess42]

Just take it easy and slow salemass. I wouldn't just up and go out in full femme mode just on a whim. This may cause you more stress and despair along with confusion. You may not get the results you are wanting unless it is some type of event. Start slowly and ease into it a little at a time. Grow comfortable with that little femme thing first and then do another. For example, start wearing female underwear. Get comfortable with that and then start shaving your legs, get comfortable with that and then try wearing shorts and get comfortable with that. The more you ease into something and grow comfortable with it, it will be way less stressful.

I am slowly ridding myself of my masculine looks and grooming habits. No more goatees, I am doing my eybrows thinner and more femenine looking, I have been shaving for quite sometime so that anxiety has come and gone. I am never cutting my hair again, at least until it gets halfway down my back. I still don't dress en femme, at least around where I live but will eventually in certain places. Believe me I'm looking at places where it is more acceptable. This is just me, but I am finding it a lot easier with less anxiety and I'm getting braver with every little thing I do and get comfortable with it myself before moving on and doing more.

From what you said yesterday and the confusion you feel, in my opinion it would be a good idea not to just jump in whole hog. You may not like it and it does take a while for hair to grow back and such. Remember especially in your case, slow and steady wins the race.

[salemasss]

Yes that's the thing. And I also think that trying not to think about it is a good idea as well. I will study something that would help me to get a decent job and when I'll live without my parents I'll just then start taking the next step. What I hate is when others TS say things like "don't play with time" but I just don't have any choice at the moment. I can only say i'll survive beacause I've read stories about transsexuals who didn't transition until they were 60. If they were that strong so am I.

[Jess42]

You have plenty of time salemass. I am in my forties. Thing is with what you wrote is that you are still unsure of yourself. You need to be totally sure and comfortable of yourself before you decide. And do it for yourself and yourself alone. We have talked and I'm going to go back a little here. Don't do it to get back at your father or anyone else. Do it for you.

I still get mixed feelings from you salemass. That is not a good thing. Yesterday you mentioned being gay and today you want to be a female. I think you got a lot of Soul searching to do and a lot of getting to know yourself for who you truly are. Keep seeing your Psychiatrist/therapist and see where it leads.

Have you ever been diagnosed with bipolar diorder? The reason I am asking and it really isn't any of my business but it's like wanting to be a woman makes you feel physically ill one time and the next day you are wanting to go out in public in full on femme mode? That is two opposite ends of the spectrums in my opinion anyway. I have never felt horrified by feeling female inside or wanting to be female on the outside. So please take those feelings you have into consideration.

[salemasss]

No I haven't been diagnose with bipolar disorder.

[salemasss]

This sounds like a load of malarkey. I'm real suspicious when I hear a psychotherapist tell a patient they're not trans. There are a lot of incompetent shrinks happily taking their patients' money and a bunch of other ones that believe that trans people need to be talked out of it. (Incompetent isn't the word for these. The only words that come to mind aren't allowed here.)

A therapist needs to allow the patient to come to their own conclusion. No one can tell you whether or not you're trans.

Of course I don't know the whole story, haven't met either one of you, but from what you'd write, I'd be very concerned.

In the same way you also can't tell that I am trans. I have no idea why she does that, it is a small and post sovietic country where I live after all. I don't blindly trust her, but what are therapists meant to do if they can't decide anything? I have accepted that I'm trans but it always happens after a few weeks time that I reconsider my feelings, there is nothing clear about it. What I do is get on with my life and do things I enjoy without paying much attention to gender things.