O.K. A question about ...

[kathy bottoms]

I'm at a little over 8 months into HRT, and around two weeks ago my entire outlook on life began to change.  Since starting this journey there's never been a doubt that the road will continue, and any obstacle will be overcome in some way  But I was never really comfortable in my role, so it caused occasional periods of deep depression, confusion over my time frames, and doubts about how to achieve goals.  Admittedly, even three weeks ago I was still having difficulty with being self assured in the goals and timing.  It seemed being full time by next January outweigh all other important issues in life, and so many things that have always been important to me were brushed aside.   

So even though it might sound a little odd, here's my questions.   Is there a point in transition, and the HRT, where we finally have this epiphany about being flexible in our time, image, and self worth?  Or is this something I should have acquired way before starting HRT?   

This does bother me a bit because once I knew that staying a man would kill me I began to feel alive and the dysphoria started to wane.   But even though the dysphoria lessened there was always that horrible questioning about why this had to happen to "me" and why did I let it ruin so much of my life.  But now all those mysteries no longer matter.  I'm happy in myself, joyful that I'm in transition, and accepting of what ever changes I have to make.  And yet, should this brilliant light have turned on sooner? 

Maybe some of you can tell me what mistakes I made, and maybe not.  You know ... that part of my life is over and done now anyway, so it's time to move on. 

I know difficulties lay ahead, and at some point people say I'll be grieving for the lost childhood and the young woman that never was,.  But right now I truly feel free for the first time in my life.  Or am I just too soon in jumping to this conclusion also? lol

Kathy

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Each of us comes to a point that we begin to become comfortable with our pace and the changes.  That does not mean we sometime chomp at the bit to move faster.

Asking why has never help one understand.  But accepting ourselves as we are always helps.

[kathy bottoms]

Each of us comes to a point that we begin to become comfortable with our pace and the changes.  That does not mean we sometime chomp at the bit to move faster.

Asking why has never help one understand.  But accepting ourselves as we are always helps.

I was beating myself up over so much, and a lot of it had to do with not getting where I thought I should be.  It's wonderful to stop the self torture and loathing.  It served no purpose, and wasted time.

Done.  Now I've gotten into a new therapy group in Oakland (a bit of a drive, ... ugh), and have a referal to another psychiatrist who is well practiced in Transgender issues.  He can help until my therapist returns from a rather severe surgery, and I can return to my old group again.  Who knows, maybe I'll go to both.

Can't ask for more.   

K

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Kathy,

There appears to be some point in time, when after marinating your brain adequately in HRT, that your frame of thinking will permanently change to your desired gender. This change may provide focussed clarity on many aspects of your development, easing of dysphoria and a raft of other positive outcomes.

Huggs
Catherine

[kathy bottoms]

Hi Kathy,

There appears to be some point in time, when after marinating your brain adequately in HRT, that your frame of thinking will permanently change to your desired gender. This change may provide focussed clarity on many aspects of your development, easing of dysphoria and a raft of other positive outcomes.

Huggs
Catherine

Positive outcomes.  Yes, and more as time presents them.   

Thank you Catherine

K

[JoanneB]

For me the outcomes were the same though the goal was opposite. After about 6 months on HRT plus attending a great TG group and a little therapy, I started shedding a lot of the shame and guilt of being trans which led a tremendous boost to my self-esteem. This self-esteem boost I attribute much of the credit to with the drop in anxiousness over my life and what I am going to do with and about it. Which for me it was I didn't want to transition, I avoided it for many decades, and there has to be some middle ground for me. Which there was, called part-time. WHere I get to have my cake and eat it too. Kinda. Still that little "Wife being on board with it all" issue.

I still freak out over analyzing things. Still keep looking to answer the "And now what?" question. Like, THere is a rule somplace saying well, if you do A, and B, then you have to C, D & E by such and such a time. Life ain't easy for a rule bound contrarian

[kathy bottoms]

.....I started shedding a lot of the shame and guilt of being trans which led a tremendous boost to my self-esteem.  .....

Joanne
I've been going out to various stores wearing more feminine items lately to be a little androgynous in some ways.  And it's great that it no longer bothers me to shop the cosmetics counters (except when a sales girl starts asking questions that I can't answer).  But now these things also make me laugh when I get home, instead of crying.

This must be progress?  Oh yeah, but it makes me feel kind of childish and wierd.

K

[JoanneB]

The shear joy of childishness, a little strange to actually experience... and definitly nice.

I can still remember the nice Spring day a couple of years ago I went shopping and I cannot remember how many times I got "Mame'd". I do remember feelig a litle upset over it! Mame! Do I really look that 'matronly' as my wife once said... decades ago? Then the reality check hit. Dummy! You are now south of the Mason Dixon line and not in the NYC metro area. Every female gets mame'd.

[kathy bottoms]

The shear joy of childishness, a little strange to actually experience... and definitly nice.

While wearing a loose fitting, pink stripe searsucker shirt over a white tee, and a pair of blue jeans I quickly ran out to get another shade of foundation, powder and shadow yesterday afternoon.  I was tursely, but quite politely Sir'd by two women who excused themsleves while they reached for something else in the display   Then when I checked out the woman at the register loudly said "Is this all Sir?", while glancing at my flesh tone nail polish. 

When I got into my truck to drive home the thoughts ran from "Gotta stop wearing nail polish while shopping.", to "What the hell was that all about?"    Then it hit me.  I must have looked like a person from those People of Walmart pictures.   Grrrr, how stupid can I get.  This wasn't childish or silly, just kind of dumb.

K