Dealing with the aftermath of coming out to parents

[Shannon1979]

Had terrible day today. went to my parents for lunch. Basically got bombarded with questions and accusations. I think i did extremely well to stay calm in the circumstances.

Worst bit is my dad, I understand that he is having trouble handling this. fair enough its a big thing to take in, but i didn't expect to hear what i did from him. If he had just said that he wouldn't be able to take it, and couldn't know me as Shannon i would have been upset about it, but would have handled it. But what he said was if i went through with this i wouldn't be a woman i would just be a thing to him. What an evil thing to say. I mean there is a difference between disagreeing with what someone does, and just plain hurling abuse at them.

I think i am going to put the ball in his court. I dont like the idea of completely cutting him out of my life, but i can handle that if it has to be that way. It's his choice accept me as Shannon or dont. No half measures no setting conditions. If he cant accept me as Shannon then he will not only lose a son, but lose the chance to have a relationship with another a daughter as well.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! We're having a run on lousy reactions from Mom and Pop today, goes to show they should stick with running stores. Give them time, or give them a wide berth. Hugs, Devlyn

[FrancisAnn]

Follow thru with your heart. We all care about our parents however take it from an older TS it is better to move forward to make yourself happy & not try to make your parents happy. I did that & what a mistake years ago.

He will adjust in due time, just move forward as normal as possible.

Good luck

[Shantel]

You're not alone Shannon, read "So much for a parent's unconditional love!" It's as I had said earlier, dad's just don't deal well with it, mom's handle it better in the long run, after all you sprang from her womb and there's a connection that is hard to deny. Usually if dad is steadfast and unbending, mom will tire of it and apply some pressure to him to lighten up. Hopefully it will work out that way for you dear!

[Anna++]

Parents rejecting you is rough, have a *hug* from me (I know you need one).  You did well to stay calm, and you might consider putting some space between you and your parents if they continue making accusations.  The two weeks I took off from my parents helped me mentally!  On the other hand, I think they backpedaled during that time so don't expect everything to be fine when the break is over...

[suzifrommd]

It's his choice accept me as Shannon or dont. No half measures no setting conditions. If he cant accept me as Shannon then he will not only lose a son, but lose the chance to have a relationship with another a daughter as well.

Shannon, you are a wise and strong woman. This is the best way you could have handled it.

[Shannon1979]

Thanks for the support. Bit calmer today not going to see them till next weekend so will have a little space. One of those months so far too much on what with moving work and uni work to do. But i think i said it before thats life, and as impossible as things seem we get there in the end.

Apologies for dropping the f-bomb.

[StellaB]

I'm just so sorry you're having to go with it, but can't really fault the way you're handling it.

I can't understand why but it seems to me that male relatives seem to have a much harder time of handling it than female ones. My godfather in Canada is the exception. When we met at Heathrow a couple of times when they had a stopover spent time with him and my godmother, got a few great big bearhugs from him, and really warm vibes.

As for the rest, waste of words and keystrokes even to go into it.

[Shannon1979]

I'm just so sorry you're having to go with it, but can't really fault the way you're handling it.

I can't understand why but it seems to me that male relatives seem to have a much harder time of handling it than female ones. My godfather in Canada is the exception. When we met at Heathrow a couple of times when they had a stopover spent time with him and my godmother, got a few great big bearhugs from him, and really warm vibes.

As for the rest, waste of words and keystrokes even to go into it.

Yea i think we have to bear in mind that. Men dont show there emotions in the same way as women. Take for example me before i finally admitted to myself that i was a woman. I didnt show emotion, it wasnt the done thing to cry as a man. in my case i was over compensating but in general this is the case in a lot of situations. So when it comes to dealing with something like this men quite often find it much more difficult. Especially if they like my dad are from a generation and family that wouldnt have accepted a male member wearing an earing let along transitioning.

ignorance can be another reason. I mean ignorance as in the lack of knowledge about something. The problem with this is, in my dads case at least he doesnt want to know. And if he does get some information that conflicts with what he has decided is right he just dismisses it out of hand. So unless he can open his mind to new ideas he wont accept this.

[Shantel]

ignorance can be another reason. I mean ignorance as in the lack of knowledge about something. The problem with this is, in my dads case at least he doesnt want to know. And if he does get some information that conflicts with what he has decided is right he just dismisses it out of hand. So unless he can open his mind to new ideas he wont accept this.

Well stated! I am from that Jurassic generation and went through the Neanderthal and old dinosaur phase myself until the GID worm that had always been gnawing at my brain finally took me down, so even those old stalwarts can learn a thing or two. Put some time and space between you, be patient and continue on the path you have chosen, he may turn around eventually but it's bound to be a slow process.

[suzifrommd]

Men dont show there emotions in the same way as women.

There's also something strange about many men I've noticed when they confront a male who is showing weakness or feminine characteristics. For some reason that makes men angry. I don't understand it, but it's almost like a personal affront to them that a male-bodied person wouldn't conform to their standards of masculinity.

[Shannon1979]

There's also something strange about many men I've noticed when they confront a male who is showing weakness or feminine characteristics. For some reason that makes men angry. I don't understand it, but it's almost like a personal affront to them that a male-bodied person wouldn't conform to their standards of masculinity.

Yes exactly. i think it comes from the way things used to be (and unfortionatly still are to an extent). Its the hunter gatherer mindset. Traditionally men have gone out to work to provide for the family. With that comes mindset that no matter what as a man you cant show weakness. So now the world has changed it is very difficult to change that mindset, it is so ingrained into the male psycy that it will take a few generations to change. Thats evolution for you.

[Shantel]

There's also something strange about many men I've noticed when they confront a male who is showing weakness or feminine characteristics. For some reason that makes men angry. I don't understand it, but it's almost like a personal affront to them that a male-bodied person wouldn't conform to their standards of masculinity.

Yes, and in certain circles I've noted that same behavior from women toward other women who don't measure up to their standards as well, it even happens here when post-op trans women find out that someone is going to skip SRS or present androgynously. So I don't think it's limited to any one gender.

[StellaB]

There's also something strange about many men I've noticed when they confront a male who is showing weakness or feminine characteristics. For some reason that makes men angry. I don't understand it, but it's almost like a personal affront to them that a male-bodied person wouldn't conform to their standards of masculinity.

There's also insecurity and fear. We all know how even the mention of the word trans causes so many assumptions in many people. The thought of something even remotely sexual (and let's face it, most heterosexuals see sex as they see electricity - it's all about plugs and sockets) arouses both fascination and disgust.

Women are pretty much public property. In the mind of the average heterosexual male if you're female you're sexually available to him until you declare otherwise. Some have even come up with the term 'gender deception' to describe trans.

In the minds of many cisgendered people those of us who are trans are trying to be someone who we're not in reality. Many believe gender dysphoria is nothing more than a figment of our imagination.

There's also that concept of betraying your gender.

[Anna++]

There's also that concept of betraying your gender.

Wouldn't we be betraying our genders if we don't transition?

[Lesley_Roberta]

Oh I am betraying my gender alright.

I want to be female looking to aid in feeling more feminine.

But I am mainly female inside as my way of giving my anatomical gender the bird.

I need to control my male hate better, but the thing is, I am unlikely to stop disliking them any time soon as a whole.

If I put every male I am not hating in one spot, it would be a very small town indeed, and the rest of the planet, nope, no real love there.

[spacial]

Shannon.

Like other, it's something we need to go through.

But if I may, your Dad already knew, he just doesn't want to accept it.

I mean to say, you're an adult and that is a pretty petty ultimatum. Basically saying, if you do, he will call you names and tease you mercilessly.

He's attacking himself.

But you are an independent adult. You have a long life to lead and will do it as you choose. Because that is what and adult does.

[StellaB]

Wouldn't we be betraying our genders if we don't transition?

As far as I'm aware a betrayal involves something that you betray and I've yet to see anything such as gender solidarity.

But yes, if we don't transition or at least admit that we're trans to me that's where the actual deception lies and I'm just grateful that there are quite a number of cisgendered out there who see this and understand it.

[Ltl89]

Hey Shannon,

I am really sorry to hear of your situation.  This is one of my biggest fears and I hate that anyone has to go through with this.  However, even though this is tough, try to focus on what will be gained in the future.  It is sad to think that we may lose those we love, but we can't live for their sake.  WE need to be happy as well.  And by exploring and realizing our true potential there is a lot of happiness coming our way.   

As for your father in general, give it time.  Most parents have a difficulty grasping this and react out of shock.  Sometimes, they try to control the situation with fear and threats.  But, if you stand your ground and show how sincere you are, he may very well come to accept it in due time.  I know this happened to many before, so don't lose all hope. 

[Elsa]

+ 1 to crappy reactions from parents. It must have been "harass your transsexual daughter and make her feel worthless day" 

Am sorry about whats been happening. Anna and you are both wonderful people and if anyone can't see it they are morons.

I don't think we are betraying our gender by wanting to be ourselves but if we don't be ourselves we are betraying ourselves.

My parents despite repeated attempts are stuck up and dismiss anything that doesn't conform to their beliefs as well - so explaining things is pointless. I can understand how frustrating it can be.

Cheers to you both and a big hug!