Dealing with the aftermath of coming out to parents

[Shannon1979]

Thanks everyone for all the replys and support. Things have somewhat improved over the last couple of days. not with parents but with my sister. We have been messaging each other and she seems to be coming to terms with it reasonably quickly. and has even said that is willing to go with me on this journey. Ok she probably has a ways to go before fully embracing it, but that is perfectly understandable. we talked about her kids and how to deal with them. They are young so shouldnt have a problem with it. But its obviously a slightly complicated subject to explain to too small children. so we have agreed that when they finally meet me as Shannon ( they live 200 miles away so not as simple as going next door) i will have gone full time. That way there is less chance of causing them confusion.

So authough i cant predict what will happen with my parents it does look like i have some family left.

[JenniL]

Sorry to hear about your dad.  Almost sounds like my dad and I was the first born and if you are maybe that has something to do with. My dad didn't talk or want to have anything to do me for about a year. The last thing he said to me was, I am no longer in the will and everything is going ot my sister and younger brother. Yea that stung. I cried then hung up.

>>>Fast forward a year and some change later>>> Then one day my mum called and was like call your dad next week. So I did. He didn't address me by name or anything and I could tell he didn't know what to talk about so I talked about my work and how I want to get into a different line of work. Him being an railroad man suggest to me be a Conductor to drive the trains and that they hire females to do it. I like to think he is trying know based off that reaction so I keep in touch regularly. We mostly talk about my work that's about it. This past Christmas card from him There is hope, more and likely it will take a while. Men can be hard headed.

As for your sister, that is extremely good news. I am truly glad that she is going to go the distance with you. Support from some family is better than none

[Shantel]

Jenni,
    Sounds like your dad is making his own mental and emotional transition in your favor. I know it happens even though dad's are hard asses. I'm a 70 year old "dad" my male kids were a total nightmare, they thought it was me, I knew it was them. It took some time for me to lighten up and realize that no, I will not be able to mold them in my image because they are their own unique individual persons. Yeah, dad's sometimes have stone-like hearts, but blood doesn't run through stones and stones don't beat, eventually they soften up.

[Pianoandpage]

Shannon, I'm so sorry that you had to hear such fear based abuse coming from the person who is supposed to love unconditionally. I think you handled yourself brilliantly and I know that you will grow up to be a wise woman.

When my parents caught me in a skirt, not even developed enough to realize I was trans, they didn't talk to me for 2 years. The abandonment hurt me deeply and it took a lot of work and awkward conversations to reconnect in any meaningful way but it can happen.

Things will get better.

[Taka]

we have agreed that when they finally meet me as Shannon ( they live 200 miles away so not as simple as going next door) i will have gone full time. That way there is less chance of causing them confusion.

i kind of disagree there. kids are often a lot more intelligent than adults can remember having been at that age, and easily pick up on any awkwardness. so even if you only show up again when you're full time, they might still be confused by the way it's not talked about. my personal belief is that the kids will accept your transition as a natural thing that some people do, as long as the adults around them (mostly the parents) treat it as such.

kids can even accept magic as something real, if you say a witch cast a spell upon you before you were born so that you became a boy instead of a girl, they'll easily understand why you'd want to do everything in your power to find a medicine that can make you into the beautiful princess that you were meant to be. as they grow older, they'll realize the magic part of it was a lie, but your reasons will stick as genuine still. use this opportunity to teach some kids a little bit of open mindedness if you can make your sister understand this.

[Shannon1979]

i kind of disagree there. kids are often a lot more intelligent than adults can remember having been at that age, and easily pick up on any awkwardness. so even if you only show up again when you're full time, they might still be confused by the way it's not talked about. my personal belief is that the kids will accept your transition as a natural thing that some people do, as long as the adults around them (mostly the parents) treat it as such.

kids can even accept magic as something real, if you say a witch cast a spell upon you before you were born so that you became a boy instead of a girl, they'll easily understand why you'd want to do everything in your power to find a medicine that can make you into the beautiful princess that you were meant to be. as they grow older, they'll realize the magic part of it was a lie, but your reasons will stick as genuine still. use this opportunity to teach some kids a little bit of open mindedness if you can make your sister understand this.

I like that idea. I allways wanted to be princess Belle from beauty and the beast. And being that she is my neices favorite as well, that should go down a storm with her.

I dont think i explained properly though. i dont mean i wont see them untill i go full time. i will explain it to them beforehand, I just mean that when they do meet me as Shannon i will remain Shannon to them from that point on.

[Taka]

i see, that should work. but don't be too strict with yourself there. you don't need to be a perfect girl for the kids to accept you, and even before going fulltime, it might be interesting for the kids to see your male version acting more feminine and striving to become your real self. gradual probably works much better than sudden for kids when it comes to changes. let them witness parts of your transformation from yourself in one shape to your same self in another shape, so that it's easier for them to recognize you as the same person

[FrancisAnn]

Shannon,

Just be yourself no matter what. Try & explain that change of gender is not a change of the person they knew & loved. You still love them (all family & friends) & hope they continue love you, Shannon. 

[Shantel]

i see, that should work. but don't be too strict with yourself there. you don't need to be a perfect girl for the kids to accept you, and even before going fulltime, it might be interesting for the kids to see your male version acting more feminine and striving to become your real self. gradual probably works much better than sudden for kids when it comes to changes. let them witness parts of your transformation from yourself in one shape to your same self in another shape, so that it's easier for them to recognize you as the same person

Good plan, I think that approach works with other adults and significant others as well. After all adults are really just grown kids!

[Felix]

Good look with your dad. Whenever an important person doesn't want to accept it it's best to just take the high road and give them time. They'll likely come around and even if they don't you still deserve to be yourself and be happy.

I'll echo what's been said about kids - they're the easiest to come out to. They have questions and assumptions that can be very hurtful but they listen and accept things pretty well. Their bluntness is as good as it is difficult.