Abby, that sounds really good and natural. I am amazed. You are not sounding as girly as Jenny does, but it matches your type really good. And I think the voice will even improve a little bit from what Jenny described in terms of fullness. Happy for you
Quote from: SarahR on October 17, 2013, 07:12:24 PM...I've been on this journey for a good 7 or 8 years, full-time for almost 6 years. I actually don't really care if people suspect I'm trans afterward due to my voice being different than before. If they ask I'd likely just say yeah, I'm trans. I had no problem coming out to my bosses when I told them about the surgery. It's actually funny now that I say that since in my mind there have been two points for me wanting this surgery. The first being that I don't want to be clocked when I talk (which I really don't think happens often). The second reason though, and way more important one, is that I want to feel like it's "me" when I talk. I always focus on the first point though, when really the second point is the more important one for me, since I really don't care if people know I'm trans so long as they treat me with the dignity and respect I give them.
Right now when I talk I feel like someone else's voice is saying my words. It's like before when I looked in the mirror and saw someone else looking back. The physical part is over with, I can look in the mirror and I see myself completely. But then out comes this voice that totally breaks the disconnect between my body and my mind.
That is a healthy attitude and I guess I should work on getting back to that. I kind of lost it some years ago, since no one did actually ask me about being trans and I did not feel the need to come out about it to anyone. But honestly the insecurity about if people know or suspect and the dread of the moment they may ask is not nice, it is hard for me to decide if I shlud admit or not - if I do to one person, it will travel of course. Strangely enough while no one asked me openly, I was misgendered a couple of times and that was totall at odds with my other experiences.
And I totally get what you are saying there about it feeling like someones elses voice. I mean probably everyone feels that way when listening to a recording , but to me even hearing my voice in my head sounds ... odd ... spiced with a few grains of dysphoria. I still also have issues with mirrors though, I need to work on getting that out of my head. My face is sort of ok, but it still is androgynous so it can go both ways depending on my mood :\ Any tips on how you solved that? (Not to be too much offtopic here, maybe via PM)
QuoteI really do think it'll be like that. For me, being full-time for as long as I have I've gotten past so many of the barriers that I put up to protect myself. I'm sure you can relate. In those few times where I absolutely forget about thinking about my voice I am truly and completely myself, free, outspoken. I look back at the rest of the times and I can honestly say that the only thing I have any sort of dysphoria with is my voice, and the only thing I think about with regard to transition is my voice. If I can attain a passable voice with no effort, one that I can finally hear as my own, it will be the final piece of the puzzle. I can say that with 100% confidence.
Sigh - that sounds great. I so hope this will be as you expect it to be and that you can report back with good news (but dont hold back with the bad ones if you have any
) once you are done with this. And oh yes, I put up sooo many barriers and so many of them were gone with transition and SRS, but indeed I still have some. Just situations where I feel awkward and not at odds with myself as if I still have to "pretend" - but this time to "pretend to be female" while I am not - in a physical sense that is - internally this affects me badly because my mind just does not get it why I would have to do that and reacts by thinking at the back of my head that if I have to "pretend to be female", then I must be something else and that is not a good feeling. And these situations circle basically around two main issues - that is voice (like constantly thinking about doing the voice right - and still not getting there) and the other one is face (which basically as a main consequence leads to me nervously brushing my bangs into my face when being around other people). These situations are a reminder of me having that trans past and they bug me. So I think I would give a lot if that would go away, just as you say. If it really comes out to not having to worry about voice anymore at all, its bliss.
And yes - I do have these moments wher eI dont think about the voice and relax and feel all right but as you can guess this also means things drop and it is even tougher to stand that exactly at those good moments I can count on someone making a comment about my voice or misgendering me. Yeah great - at tha tprecise moment when I am open (and vulnerable).
QuoteI think I have resonance down pretty well, and I don't really find myself having to think or struggle with resonance. Really it's just the pitch that I have a hard time keeping stable throughout the day. I can have a completely passable voice when I need to, it just never feels real to me since I have to think about it so much, which is the biggest reason why I can't use it all the time. I hate feeling fake and when I talk I feel fake. I know there is some work I'll have to do to get the voice where I want it after surgery. I'm not under this illusion that there will be no work involved. But it'll all be worth it if I can get a passable, and more importantly, natural, voice with such ease as I've heard from Abby and Jenny.
Ok yoou have an advantage then there as I seem to struggle with that a bit. Maybe its because I try to focus on both at the same time, pitch and resonance - I dont know. I was convinced I had resonance down quite well but my recent analysis does not say that it is good yet, even though my chest resonance is gone, there is something else that is not great. Can you have a head resonance that is male? I dont know. I will ask the people at the voice clinic in 4 weeks if they can tell me something. I definitely will do the voice training first and see if I can at least get there with effort and then think again if that effort is something I have to do always or if it will become "second nature" as some others claim. In any case I just set a $500 monthy savings transfer. In case I decide in favour of Yeson, I can have it in 2 years if I can maintain that cash flow. I will have to reduce other expenses though :\ . Still have not heard much about Berlin. Thats not the best sign. But yeah that "fake" feeling is what bugs me hugely even with my voice now as it is and as it has become "second nature" - it still is just "second" - so I do it automatically but it still feels weird. I cannot really snap out of it though, so I guess if I would go for VFS, I would also have to learn to actually relax more in some ways.
QuoteIf in the end I don't attain the increase I'm hoping for then I can at least settle my mind down and be content with the fact that I tried. Then I'll be able to move on, no matter the outcome.
Well I think my biggest worries would not be that the increase does not happen, I think that is pretty much certain. More about the side effects like decreased vocal range. In my case thats a biggie and I will have to check with the clinic in 4 weeks and see what my ranges are now and how I could improve them as presently I am pretty much feeling restricted there already. If I would loose much more, I may become monotonous and then fail passing because I cannot do the pitch changes anymore :\ - So I need to get that checked first.
QuoteAll we can do is wait and see I guess. In about 2 months, once I'm more than 1-month post-op and I can talk a little and hear my new voice, I'll make sure and explain in detail exactly how it has changed my life, whether it's for the better or for the worse 
Especially since you and I are both quite far along in our transition it'll be a good barometer to see how the outcome really affects someone in our situation.
Oh thank you , It will read your every word on that because indeed we have at least somewhat similar situations being so far from the beginning of transition.
