Everything

[Joe.]

Don't you wish it was as simple as waking up with the right body, that's all you ever have been and that's all everyone has ever known? I do. I don't want to come out to everyone, I don't want to transition. I just want to wake up and this all be over. I can't even come out to everyone that I like girls. If people find out this, I will be killed. Kids at school will beat me until I'm unconscious. I don't want to be different. I want to be me. I want to be the guy I am. I hate when people refer to me as a girl. It makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach. I have to come out to my family. I don't want them to react badly. How do you tell family something like that? I've planned my suicide most days but I'm too much of a wimp to even do that. Why is this such a lengthly process? Why did God make me like this? I know it will be worth it, but what if my family cut us all off, just because of me? That's not fair is it? I know I'm a damn good person. Why do all the good people get treated so badly? Life's not fair. I know I'm a whining little cow right now, but I'm fed up of everything.

[halfsleep]

Why do you say you'll be killed??

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I'm sure we all wish it was that simple, but unfortunately, things just don't work that way. Just wait it out, man. I'm sorry that I don't have anything more substantial to say. You can PM me if you want.

[Rachel]

Sorry you are having such bad feelings, hugs.

Is there a school councellor you can trust? Perhaps there is a LGBT certer in your area where they can put you in touch with a Trans Social worker for some help.

You have some exceptionalism that most will never experiace nor have the capacity to understand. We live a life that requires relearning how we see ourselves and accepting who we are. As far as being able to express and disclose to others, will require the assistane of professionals and intimate knowledge of your circumstances.

I hope you can find some happiness or something good to make you smile today. Life is presious. Being overwhelmed and coping with who you are requires help. Please do not do anything to hurt youeself.

[Joe.]

Why do you say you'll be killed??

The kids in my school are horrible. They attack anyone who is different. That includes if you're white. White people are the minority and I've been told to F off out of their country because they own it now. Kids get beat up if they're gay, I don't want to know what they would do to a transgender student. I don't want to stick around to find out. I get bullied enough anyway, I don't want to give them another excuse to bully me. I live in fear of my own area.

Is there a school counsellor you can trust? Perhaps there is a LGBT certer your area where they can put you in touch with a Trans Social worker for some help.

I go to an LGBT group, but nobody there specialises in trans issues. My school counsellor is horrible. I'm getting help from a mental health team, but nothing is working.  Thank you both for your support.

[Rachel]

When I went to High School I had a 3 year relationship with a fellow student ( if it was found out I would have been physically attacked). The school was all white. There were 2 kids who were outed for being gay ( they were not gay ). One kid lasted a day and 1/2 and the other was gone before lunch. They were beat up between class and every chance in-between. Jocks were ruthless but the rest of the school watched are were guilty too because we did nothing. No-one went to a teacher and we were all in fear. There were 2,200 boys and it was an all boy school. Not a single person stood up to the jocks or told on them either. We all said how wrong it was and how bad we felt. We did not help those two boys; we were weak, frightened and not courageous. After each event not a single word was said by a teacher or anyone in authority so I guess either they condoned it or were afrade too. What they would be afrade of I guess back then if you helped a homosexual you were a homosexual. It was condoned and alllowed to beat up homosexuals in 1978.

I think of them from time to time and how I did nothing to help them or stop the acts of repetative violance. I know i felt fear and disgust at myself, not for the boys, but for inaction to help them and that what I am was so hated and dispised by everyone else.

2200 boys a hundred or more adults and not one leader. I hated high school. I hated what I was. I hated being alone.

I know how you feel and I know the hurt. You are exceptional. You are good. You are strong. Believe in yourself.

[Ltl89]

Don't live for bullies, live for you.  I know what it's like to be bullied and it sucks.  My past with that almost prevented me from accepting who I am.  But that's not fair to you.  Look, even if some people are jerks, there are many who will love you for who you are.  It sucks that not all people are like that, but you will find those who can and will accept you.  If you end it all, that's it.  All the good that will come from living as Joey and being a man will never be realized.  All the good times that can be had, all the love that can be brought upon you, all the amazing lovers and friends.... none of it will ever come true if you take away your life.  You deserve to live these happy moments in your life. 

Yeah, not all moments of life will be great, but to paraphrase Bram Stoker "you have to cross the bitter waters before you reach the sweet".  It  sounds silly to quote from that source, but I think there is a lot of truth in his words (or my memory of his words,lol).  Transitioning isn't easy, yet it is worth it.  While we all want a machine that can change our appearance and peoples perception of us, it doesn't exist.  Right now, all we can do is go through these tough times and relish in the fact that there will be an amazing future ahead of us.  But, you have to give yourself that chance to live these great moments by choosing life.   

Please Joey, I am worried about you.  I have seen a few of these posts from you and I really want you to get better.  If you current support base and treatment isn't working, there are always other therapists and groups.  I really mean this, don't hesitate to contact me if you ever need someone to talk to. 

I hope you feel better and remember to have faith in the positive future that awaits you (if you give it the chance to come into existence).

[FTMDiaries]

I've PMed you my response in (a lot!) more detail, but I thought I'd post an abridged version here for the benefit of anyone else who is following this thread and might be feeling the same way.

Don't you wish it was as simple as waking up with the right body, that's all you ever have been and that's all everyone has ever known? I do. I don't want to come out to everyone, I don't want to transition. I just want to wake up and this all be over.

Yes, I really do wish that it were that simple. I'm pretty sure that most transsexuals feel the same way. But unfortunately, that particular boat sailed before we were born. I can't afford to beat myself up over the fact that I was born with a body/mind mismatch because I don't have a time machine to change an event that occurred all those years ago. I can't fix my past... but I can and will fix my future. I'm asking my body to make some mighty big changes. That's why it takes time to transition: so that we have a chance to do it safely.

One day soon, you will wake up in the right body - at least, as right as is medically possible - and you won't be in that same uncomfortable place. Will everything be perfect? Probably not. But you'll have come to accept the things you can't change and you'll be much more comfortable in your own skin.

I can't even come out to everyone that I like girls. If people find out this, I will be killed. Kids at school will beat me until I'm unconscious.

You have every right to be proud of who you are and you have nothing to be ashamed of. But the sad fact is that it isn't always safe to proclaim your LGBT status. And you're smart enough to realise that.

You know that your school isn't a safe space for LGBT people, so you're right to keep quiet for now. You're right to be frightened of your own area. But as soon as you're earning your own money, you'll be free to move wherever you like, anywhere in the world. And you know what? As soon as you pass as male, nobody will even think twice about the fact that you like girls. Because that's just being straight, isn't it? So nothing to write home about then.

I don't want to be different. I want to be me. I want to be the guy I am. I hate when people refer to me as a girl. It makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach. I have to come out to my family. I don't want them to react badly. How do you tell family something like that?

You wait until you're in a relatively calm state of mind. You do your research (which I know you have done) so that you can answer their questions (bearing in mind they've probably never even heard of Gender Dysphoria before). Then you sit them down and tell them. Alternatively, if we're talking about extended family, you either write to them or you ask you parents for their support when you come out to them. Maybe your parents would be happy to approach the more distant rellies for you?

You need to go into a lot of detail with close family but your distant cousins probably just need the headlines. So just tell them that you're being treated for Gender Dysphoria, that you're transitioning to male and changing your name to Joey, and that you'd appreciate it if they could remember this going forward and use the correct name & pronouns for you as the change is permanent. Oh, and you print out & give them copies of this: http://www.esfrs.org/document/pdf/equality/tg_information_booklet.pdf

I've planned my suicide most days but I'm too much of a wimp to even do that.

You're no wimp.

'Wimps' don't have the courage to face up to the truth of who they are, and to do what needs to be done to fix whatever they don't like about themselves. I'm proud of you for coming as far as you have already at your age. I hadn't even heard the term 'transsexual' when I was your age; I was just desperately, unbearably miserable in my own skin with no idea of what was wrong or what I could do to fix it... and even when I did know what was 'wrong', it still took me an additional 21 years to pluck up the courage to transition. You've already found the courage to come as far as you have. Well done!

Have you read Boggle the Owl's blog on depression & suicide? Have a look at this post, which reminds me of the way you're feeling at the moment. And keep pushing forward, marine! http://boggletheowl.tumblr.com/post/41509206591/ive-been-getting-a-lot-of-these-lately-and-i

I know I'm a damn good person. Why do all the good people get treated so badly? Life's not fair. I know I'm a whining little cow right now, but I'm fed up of everything.

Yes, you are a good person. And the only reason why good people get treated like this is because we're the only ones to have the strength and fortitude to work our way through this and come out the other side. And before you know it, you'll be middle-aged (like me) and trying to help some future teenager work through the stuff you're going through now. Because surviving all this will give you character, and strength, and experience... and will mould you into a fine young man.

You can do it. You will do it.

[spacial]

I know exactly how you're feeling and I also completely understand the threatening environment you're in.

[jackofspades]

Ultimately you should not try to put yourself in any danger. I would consider your age and how much longer it will be mandatory to go to school. I would suggest getting a job and saving if you don't have one already, for future planning to move away from your current area. No one should have to go through what you are going through. But it will make you stronger, if anything, and if it does that can help you to help others, and yourself.

[johngg]

I hear ya. It's tuff. School must be a nightmare. I know it's rougher than when I went to school in the 70's and 80's. I have been going
thru a rough time also. 1 word of caution: Use professional help to talk with your parents. I came out to my mother, Now she won't
answer my calls. I just DON'T want you to hurt yourself. That is VERY damaging to everyone. The only legacy you would leave is
un-answerd questions. Please follow the advise of the others here. We all love you, And support you. John.

[Amphoteric]

I know all too well how you're feeling at the moment... it's really harsh to transition in a public environment, yet alone high school. I hope you don't have many years left and you can start with a clean slate in a better area once you're in college. I wish the best for you.

[DriftingCrow]

Joey, you're not too much of a wimp to kill yourself, by not killing yourself you're showing us just how strong and courageous of a person you truly are. 

You're almost done with school, you probably only have a month or so before classes end, and then you'll be in college. I know it's tough for you, but if you made it this far, you can make it to the end of the semester and graduation. Things will get easier, and also, life is what you make of it, it you want to be happy you need to do what is right for you, even if it means the end of some family relationships.