Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't been too active here as of late, but I've been busy with school. Unfortunately, things are not going well at all. I spent the first half of the semester in a deep funk dealing with trans issues, unable to concentrate on anything else. As a result, I've fallen impossibly far behind in my studies, and as much as I try to catch up, I just can't. Whenever I try to do anything about it, my other problems keep preventing me. I feel frustrated and powerless.
I have a ton of work to do, but I really can't work at home as there's nowhere quiet, secluded, or distraction free in the house. The one room that would meet this criteria is always either occupied or trashed by my brother. Furthermore, he's been extra inconsiderate lately by bringing his girlfriend home unannounced, usually to spend the night, ensuring that I will not have a quiet workspace. And despite my entire family telling him this is a problem, we've so far had no compliance.
So why not go elsewhere? Well, this is where my sleep problems come in to play. I am nocturnal. I am naturally awake at night. I've been this way for much of my life. I can try to put myself back on a diurnal schedule, and sometimes I can even keep it up for a week or so, but the pattern quickly decays and I always find myself slipping back into a nocturnal routine. I've tried to fight/change this, I really have. I've even seen sleep specialists at the local hospital about this. Alas, it seems being a night owl is immutable. This, of course, causes all kinds of problems with both school and work, as they seldom offer anything at night. Consequently, I am often forced to forgo sleep in order to make it to class (or work during the rest of the year). Makes concentrating very difficult.
Anyway, as to going elsewhere to work: The local public libraries all close early (especially on weekends) due to budget cutbacks, so I can't get nearly as much done there as I would otherwise. Given that campus is an hour and a half's train ride away (each way), going out to campus specifically to work in the library isn't practical, and while I will stay and work there after class if I have energy, I often don't due to lack of sleep. It'd probably benefit from living on campus, but I've tried to avoid that because it's really expensive, plus that's not an option for this semester.
It's all so frustrating. The back work keeps piling up, yet I can't seem to make a dent in it. And what makes it even more frustrating is that this is all stuff I know I could do — would probably enjoy most of it even — were I working in a different context, but the whole distraction from coming out to myself (and later, family), plus my sleep problems, plus having nowhere to work has me overwhelmed. And the more things back up, the more overwhelming they become, and the harder they are to deal with and the more I find myself running and hiding. I feel paralyzed. Helpless. Hopeless.
I worry a lot. I'm all too aware of the consequences of failure, financial and otherwise. I know that people don't care why I failed, merely that I have. Explaining problems is seen as merely making excuses. And I know that try as I may, I'm just going to face these same problems over and over until they break me. I can't run on other people's schedules, yet I'm not allowed to run on my own. I'm terrified to commit to things, because I'm not stable. I crack under stress. I break down, often in spectacular fashion. I can't control the world around me, yet I feel like I'm expected to. Failure is inevitable, but by making the cost of failure sky-high (as our society is prone to do), one does not discourage failure, one simply ensures failure will be catastrophic.
The fact is, I'm depressed. Yesterday (Wednesday), I was hit with a particularly bad bout of depression. I felt downright suicidal, and it took everything I had not to break down in the middle of class. Granted, I wasn't going to kill myself then, as even if I would be better off dead, there's a number of people I care about who I know wouldn't. Furthermore, I've been in worse situations, and had worse spells of depression before, so I knew it would eventually pass. Still, it was not a fun experience.
Nor am I out of the woods yet. I've got another two weeks left. I might be able to get some extra time if I explain to my professors what I've been dealing with (and for what it's worth, I have been talking with my school's LGBTQ office, so there's at least that bit of paper trail), but I'm not entirely comfortable with outing myself, so I'm not sure. All in all, this semester has not been fun.
