My old name....

[bethanyjadefowell]

One of my aunties who doesn't want to know me anymore, still calls me Simon to my mum. She said yesterday to my mum "does Simon wear a red and black jacket and a skirt? My mum said yes.

I have told my mum time and time again that if my auntie (her sister) call's me Simon again, she says its Bethany.

But what's upsetting me is, my mum won't say to her its Bethany, as my auntie won't like it. Ive said to my mum, you shouldn't care what she thinks, but to me its as if she does.

like the other day i had a short skirt on, and my mum said what if Ethel (my auntie)  and Brian (my uncle) see me. But i don't care what they think, as they told me where to go the first day i told them i was trans and going to change my gender.

Question is, should i tell my mum, again, how upset it makes me, and she must tell my auntie, its Bethany, if she really doesn't care what other people think?

[Misato]

It sounds like being called your old name is very upsetting for you which I TOTALLY get.  Feels like name calling when my old name or pronouns are used on me.

Seeing how hurtful it is for us and you I'd say keep after them.  You deserve to have your identity respected.

[bethanyjadefowell]

If my mum won't tell her that it is Bethany, what do I then say to my mum?

All I am asking is for her to not care what other people think, and if she can't do that, then how can she fully support me, and is it going too far, in saying "until you stop thinking what others think, I can't see you"?

It won't come to me not seeing here, I don't think, but I need to say something!!

[Rachel85]

I've only told my immediate family (who are in various levels of acceptance) and they still use my boy name all the time, but to be fair they live fair way away and haven't seen me dressed yet, my Mum has numerous times but then didn't really call me by name. When I start presenting female I will insist, and yes, I think you are entirely valid in telling your Aunty that you have changed your name, and that your name is Bethany. If you have limited contact with her then I would say yes, ask your Mum to correct her and if she doesn't feel comfortable bringing it up I think then you should make a point in contacting her and saying so.
The other thing to remember is how does this affect you? If you have no contact with your Aunty, should it matter what she says(or thinks)? Is she giving you or your Mum grief then that is a completely different thing altogether though.
I guess to put things in context, are you FT atm? How long has your Aunty known? Do you have much contact with them? Maybe they're still coming to terms with it. Some of my family took it shockingly bad to begin with and now are either totally in denial/ignoring that I will be going through some changes but others are coming along. Maybe a bit more time?
Again, I'm a big supporter of "Why let other people's opinions bother you unless it impacts on you".
Still, might be good to tell your Aunty to show a little respect.

[Misato]

If my mum won't tell her that it is Bethany, what do I then say to my mum?

I think you just have to make the request.  You've observerd her help your family disrespect you.  You know feel ignored and marginalized by that disrespect and you need them to give you support.  So, after filling your mum in on the previous things, request that that your mom support you by enforcing YOUR name with those that who are insisting on using the male one you had.

Be gentle. Let her human compassion and maybe even motherly instincts bring her around.

[Ltl89]

Perhaps your mom doesn't fully understand how hurtful using your old name can be.  It seems like it should be obvious, but those who haven't gone through GID may really not fully comprehend what it's like.  I would sit her down and calmly explain that it upset you.  Let her know why and tell her what you expect from her in order for you to feel comfortable. 

[bethany]

Bethany, You should tell your aunt how having her calling you by your birth name is hurting you. Don't rely on your mom to do this. But if you show your aunt just how serious this is she might take it to heart.

Good luck
Hugs
Bethany Dawn

[bethanyjadefowell]

My mum is going to talk to her. But my mum is stupid. She is worried what my auntie is going to say, so she does not want to say how upset it is making me.

I told my mum, "my auntie knows I am called Bethany. Tell her again, but you MUST tell her how upset it is making me, even if she falls out with you"

All my auntie will say is, she can't call me Bethany, so she wont talk about me again. That is what I want!!

I know she will say that, because, everything I have said she would say about my gender change so far, has been right, word for word.

[Misato]

But my mum is stupid.

That's harsh.

I don't know if those outright commands you gave her are going to get the job done.  I understand how important it is to you, but you mum does have her own concerns in all of this too.  She needs to be able to find a path that will work for her.  It will be helpful over the long haul  if she is your ally not, for want of a better word, servant.

[spacial]

I seriously doubt you will ever achieve anything here.

Her sister is clearly an important influence on her.

The best thing you can do is just accept it as sticks and stones.

The next best is to leave.

But, I seriously doubt you will ever change this. Anything and everything you try will just reinforce the belief that your authority over your own life is second to their's.

[FTMDiaries]

I'm curious: if you're not currently speaking to your auntie, how do you know that she is calling you by the wrong name? If you were my daughter and my sister called you Simon, I'd just automatically look confused and say "Oh, you mean Bethany?" before continuing the conversation - and I certainly wouldn't tell you that Auntie used the wrong name again because I'd know it would upset you. So why is your Mum telling you that this is happening? What's her agenda?

It's obvious that your mum loves her sister and she's probably feeling torn between the two of you at present. I could be way off base here, but it sounds to me like your mother is using your auntie's (and other people's) opinions as a form of emotional blackmail against you because she hasn't yet fully accepted your decision to transition. Otherwise she would have no reason to mention these things to you, would she?

If your auntie says it to you directly or within your hearing, simply smile and say something like "Acutally, Auntie, I answer to Bethany now. I haven't answered to Simon in ages!". But I'm not convinced that Auntie is the problem here.

[bethanyjadefowell]

It's my auntie and my mum...

My mum tells me her sister calls me Simon (even though my mum told her, before Christmas that it is now Bethany).

My mum is the kind of person that worries about everything - not just about my gender!

She says she is not doing this to upset me, but it does. One because, my mum should say "you mean Bethany" and two my Auntie has no need to talk about me, as she has told my mum that she never wants her to talk abut me, as they don't want to know about me. So my Auntie is wrong in what she is doing. As is my mum.

Since I posted about my old name, my mum has told my Auntie it is now Bethany, as I don't like my old name. In the conversation they were having (about a house for sell, that I had a look at), she kept saying Bethany and she. But I said to my mum, I have ask you to do that months ago!! I said I can't tell her as she would just shut the door in my face. But now she has, I don't think my Auntie will even talk to my mum about me agin, as she won't want to say Bethany. And to me, that is what I want!!

[FTMDiaries]

Since I posted about my old name, my mum has told my Auntie it is now Bethany, as I don't like my old name. In the conversation they were having (about a house for sell, that I had a look at), she kept saying Bethany and she.

This actually sounds quite positive. Your Mum has finally respected your request to call you by the right name & pronouns in front of your Auntie. Yes, it would've been nice if she'd done that months ago when you first asked her to... but she is doing it now, and isn't that what's important?

It takes a lot of time for people who knew us before transition (but especially family members) to get used to calling us by a new name & set of pronouns. Your Mum & your Auntie will need to do this in tiny, baby steps... and it looks like your Mum has taken the first step. Personally, I'd count this as a small victory.

[bethanyjadefowell]

Well, i was thinking, now that she knows Simon is no more, she may one day come round to me being trans. I think, her still thinking of me as Simon, is her way of saying "I don't have to come round to him being trans. My auntie has said "will still know him as simon in three years". But now she knows I am Bethany by name, she may understand that, if she does ever want to see me (after I have changed), she will i hope know that I am not the person she has known for 35 years.