Joanna,
Throughout my time here, I have read many of your posts and listened to your history/experiences and it feels like you are a long lost sister. There is much that I can relate with you. For this reason, I have always seen you as one of the most inspirational people board.
First, there is nothing in your history that makes you white trash or a bad person. I hate to admit this (and no longer do this) but I used to take various pain medications as a way to deal with all the negative emotions that GID creates. I wasn't your typical addict: I wouldn't use anything too strong, and would go long periods without taking it, and never became physically addicted. Still it was a crutch that I used for years. I was miserable for most of my life and taking something to occasionally numb the pain was an amazing thing for me. I knew no way of being happy. Then I quit doing things for a time and focused heavily on my schoolwork. I did really well in college and received some of the highest honors and prestigious awards. I tried so hard to keep focused on something and try to destroy my trans related feelings by becoming absorbed in other things. My drive and determination led to huge success at college. After college, I was working a fairly impressive job. I loved what I was doing and was happy with my professional life. Yet, my GID never really went away and I was still a very sad person. Then I found myself out of college and out of work. That's when things got really bad. A couple of months ago, I found myself back into an old habit, but this time it became a daily one. For three months I was doing something and I realized I couldn't live a lie anymore. I was numbing my pain and not addressing my problems. I was hoping to just destroy my feelings rather than fix myself. I finally came to terms with who and what I am. I wasn't going to pretend to be something I'm not. I saw what acting like a phony man and trying to fit in with others had gotten me. The only successful path is the one that allows me to be myself. Here I am today, ready to face a new start, live for myself, and learn to be happy. Hence, learningtolive. Now, I am going to transition and be myself. Next, I will take on graduate school as the real me and focus on what I love to do professionally. No hiding, no pretending, just being who I am, doing what I love, and happy for once.
While our stories are different, there are many similarities. And I wanted to share it because I hope it can help you see that we all have our past demons and future dreams. I am not ashamed of my past, and you shouldn't be either. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. You are moving forward as a strong and determined woman. You have many past success to build on and it looks like you are working on doing so. That is nothing short of admirable. While you are facing some setbacks, they are not permanent and can be overcome.
As for your current situation, it seems like this is something that you can't hide. I think you will have to tell him. Without having too much knowledge of the system, I can't say how it will all play out. However, I am very doubtful that he would pursue anything legal against you. They are usually trying to see if you are taking get high drugs. They probably don't care about hormones. Plus, you have been prescribed and drug tested, so I don't think this is one of the drugs they are checking for. Still, the sooner you mention this, the better it is for you. And it seems like your family is allowing you to live in the house for now. I imagine they if they were going to kick you out, they would have done so at the very beginning. By now, they are probably more adjusted even if it is still difficult.
I really am hoping the best for you. If you ever need to talk, I'm always here
