I have to present male every once and awhile for about 10 minutes every couple months. It is not a long period of time it's kind of in and out and I talk to someone face to face. I have to do this for the next two years possibly two and half but maybe only a year and a half. UGH. My question is will I be able to hide the changes for that long or will I have to come out to these particular people. The more I think about it the more I think I should just tell them but that is a whole other story. Being trans isn't illegal, right?  I'm not really sure how long I can hide this. I'm already quite androgynous face-wise and downright feminine body-wise and always have been but will there come a time where people will put the pieces together. Part of me says no they will never put the pieces together. I mean most people don't see someone becoming more femme and say "he must be on hormones." Unless that person already suspects and knows what HRT is. Which isn't very many people. How long have people been able to keep presenting as male? Indefinitely? Six months? A year?

Part of me thinks I should detransition and wait. Then I think well I might as well kill myself as that sounds like a goddamn death sentence and not something I want to do. It's taken me sooo long to get her and I'm not even old and I do not ever want to detranstion. ever. ever. ever. This is the most important thing I  have ever done. But it would be easier it would just feel like death.

Hi Joanna,
From the content of your post, it looks to me like you already have the answers to your questions:

1. Once you have started coming out, coming out to one more person is no big deal, unless of course that person has some power over your existence, like an employer or maybe a close relative?

2. Almost no one outside of the transgender community could ever imagine someone being on HRT. It is totally off the radar for anyone who has not been in direct contact with the subject.

3. Based on point 2 above and the fact that the changes are very gradual, most people will not see anything changing for a very, very long time. The only exception to this is when you do something very radical like FFS and even then it depends on how agressive the FFS is.


Your conclusion,"Part of me thinks I should detransition and wait."  makes it look like you have very good reasons for the person you are talking about not to know about your transition but, based on my own experience and that of other girls I know, I believe you should have little difficulty in hiding what you are doing.
Bises
Donna 

Sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place.  Don't want to be out for this person, don't want to be in the closet either.

That double life, even for 10 minutes is a real stressor, but I get needing to endure for some places.  Mine is the gym, and even there I can hide the effects of HRT walking naked in the locker room, save for a stragically placed towel.  Heck, I've gone in with painted toenails and nobody said anything!

Odds are, the people you're dealing with are too wrapped up in their own lives and concerns to notice.  They might just ask if you lost weight or got a haircut or something.

Take care of yourself girl.

I have no clue who these 'people' are or the reason but since you only see them about 60 min in a whole year would it really matter?  Hair pulled back into tight pony tail and baggy clothes would seem to likely get you thru the next 120 min you have to spend with them.  People in law enforcement and social services have seen it all, especially social services and probably wouldn't bat an eye.  I'm in NYS though so that is my only experience.  Don't lose yourself because of it, the more interaction you have in these types of situations the less it bothers you and becomes more like going to the dentist, you may not like it but you live thru it.  One does not see these people every day so it really dosen't matter if they know your TS. The rest of the world sees you as you.      And once you have changed your pictures on I.D.s its even less of an issue. Most rarely ever look at gender markers anyway, only the name and picture.   I used to be stressed out because I was outted by associaion when out with members from TG groups but you do get over it and it become nothing you worry about. As I said above most of the people you would encounter you'll never  meet again so "it don't mean a thing".   Again, Please don't lose your self over it because YOUR more important then what some other people may think.

I will just be honest as my question is so vague. And I am really scared to death and I don't know what to do. I'm really hesitant to say this because I have heard other people on this board talk and they act all righteous and I even read an old post from yesterday that people like me have given up their right to transition.

I'm a drug addict. I have been clean for over a year now from heroin (I smoke it on tin foil) and currently I am on probation for a minor drug offense. My probation officer really likes me, he tells me this and even say he likes seeing me cause I'm so unlike other people he sees and am kind, polite and sensitive. He really has high hopes for me. I have never hurt anyone, stolen from anyone, and have only ever been convicted of drug offenses. I paid for those drugs with the $20,000 I saved for SRS. I started saving at age 20 in order to transtion and now look at me. I started doing drugs after I was beaten half to death and was prescribed oxycodone which I short order became addicted to. It took away all my trans feelings. I no longer thought I was trans and the drug became my salvation. I no longer want to do drugs, I hate them and have always hated them and in many ways I got dealt a bad hand which I made worse. I only blame myself. And the drug. Transitioning now is the only time in my entire life I have not had crippling GID.

I will be on probation until October 22, 2015. So you can see my dilemma. If I detransition I can say with almost 100 percent certainty that I will relapse and either die or be sent to prison to be raped. I feel like I should tell my probation officer because his whole goal is to make sure I don't do drugs. This is my solution and is the only solution that will work. I thought seriously last night about detransitioning and it felt like someone was stealing my soul. Just the thought of having to go back to that is horrific and I can not bear it. But if I get caught without telling I don't know what will happen. I won't automatically go to prison. It's not like that. People relapse on proabtion all the time and they don't go to prison. It just doesn't happen. And this isn't even relapsing if anything it is the opposite of relapsing and I am actually doing everything I need to do to make sure I do not mess up again. There is nothing in my probation agreement that says you can not wear female clothes or take female hormones. Nothing. I know there are other trans people in my position. Hell, I read that over 20 percent of trans women have drug problems.

Lastly, I just want to say I am not poor white trash. I'm not some nobody criminal. I'm really good person and I have done all kinds off good things for people. I graduated from college at the top of my class in 2004 and was valedictorian. I was accepted to Harvard Law. Instead, I dedicated my time to helping children with autism and other disorders in the form of a magazine editor. Not just that but I did help a lot children. And  I did all this after being homeless at age 18. I just don't want to be lumped in with thieves, murderers, rapists and pedophiles and I always am and it is so unfair as I never hurt anyone ever.

I know this is a long response but I felt the need to explain myself. Hopefully someone has some experience that can help me. Thanks. I really hope I don't regret posting this. 

I don't think your PO would have a problem with it(TS)..      I used to live on the dark side  so..  no stones ever thrown from me.. I  am proud of you!!  very proud.   

Quote from: Joanna Dark on May 12, 2013, 04:39:41 PM
I will just be honest as my question is so vague. And I am really scared to death and I don't know what to do. I'm really hesitant to say this because I have heard other people on this board talk and they act all righteous and I even read an old post from yesterday that people like me have given up their right to transition.

I'm a drug addict....

Joanna,
In the few  weeks I have been on this forum I have read a lot of posts and that has got to be one of the most moving of them all. It took real courage to write it and like your first one, I believe that in writing it you have  provided the answer to your question yourself.
Everything indicates that more than anything, you would like to come out to the probation officer and from everything you say, it sounds like he is a person you can probably trust. Actually, while I know nothing whatsoever about US law, it is hard for me to imagine what he could possibly take issue with.
One way or another, I can't for the life of me see why you would  need to detransition as there is almost no way he is going to pick up on what you are doing unless you either tell him or you have to strip down when you meet him??
So, end of the day, looking at it from the outside this does not look like something you should stress too much about.
Warmest best wishes.
Donna

Joanna we all make mistakes in life. Your clean now that's all that matters now leave the guilt of the past there in the past. You have nothing to be ashamed of you have overcome an addiction to heroin that is something to be proud of not ashamed of. In all the posts I have read of yours I have had no doubts that you are a good person. Just because you had an addiction does not make you a bad person or trash!

.

Quote from: muuu on May 12, 2013, 05:07:23 PM
I'm guessing you're self-medding then? Estrogen and spiro aren't narcotics, so I doubt he'd have a problem with it, and he can't be completely oblivious about transsexualism.
If you aren't, then you would have a prescription you could show, and even a letter from a psychiatrist.

You know self medication discussions aren't allowed, why did you bring that up?

I am on informed consent. But I don't know if medically transitioning is allowed without his consent. I am pretty sure I would have to tell him first and then start hormones. I really don't know what he could do though. And I don't know how he would find out. It's not like the corrections system has money to go around trying to root out people who are secretly transitioning. Even writing that sounds silly. It causes no abnormality on drug tests as I have been tested since I started and nothing happened. He talks to me for like five minutes, asks how I am doing, makes sure I am not doing drugs, we talk about the Phillies and baseball, he gives me a oral swab drug test and he leaves.

The main thing is I just plain don't want to tell him. The only reason I have not been kicked out of my house right now is because I would be arrested for absconding and not reporting. It's a big no no. So the prospect of telling another person is scary given how my family is reacting. I feel like I am being conditioned to expect bad responses. But from what I have read it seems like they are trained to deal with this sort of thing.

I feel like I could lie forever but I hate lying and it makes me feel are dirty. And I am not doing anything wrong.

.

Joanna,
       You've been pretty honest here with us, you can be honest with him. Just tell him that your drug addiction was partially due to a certain amount of self loathing at having to pretend at manhood, and that you are doing what it takes to be clean and sober for the rest of your life. There is nothing there that would elicit a negative response from someone who wants to see you remain drug free. Sometimes being honest and straight forward is the road best taken. Simple geometry: The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.

Thanks everyone for your responses I feel a lot better. Well at least I don't regret posting this. I have to see him Tuesday and I am def not going to tell him yet cause I just don't feel comfortable enough. But then again I might. I keep running scenarios thru my head on how exactly to tell him: uh, btw...? I feel like I should just blurt out that I am a transsexual and I want to medically transition and take hormones and that this is the reason I got addicted in the first place if you were wondering and I have set up an appointment. I live in a large liberal area so he prob has at least some direction on how to proceed. Yes, you're allowed blah, blah, blah.

It's just thta what if he tries to stop me? Then I have let the cat out of the bag and am stuck.

I don't even think he has a test that can measure hormone levels. in fact he doesn't. But I am changing and sooner rather then later he is going to start to wonder. I just don't want to be stopped or forced to detransition. This is my main worry. That he will say something like you have to wait until October 2015. That is unacceptable.

Joanna,

Throughout my time here, I have read many of your posts and listened to your history/experiences and it feels like you are a long lost sister.  There is much that I can relate with you. For this reason, I have always seen you as one of the most inspirational people board. 

First, there is nothing in your history that makes you white trash or a bad person.  I hate to admit this (and no longer do this) but I used to take various pain medications as a way to deal with all the negative emotions that GID creates.  I wasn't your typical addict:  I wouldn't use anything too strong, and would go long periods without taking it, and never became physically addicted. Still it was a crutch that I used for years.  I was miserable for most of my life and taking something to occasionally numb the pain was an amazing thing for me.  I knew no way of being happy.  Then I quit doing things for a time  and focused heavily on my schoolwork.  I did really well in college and received some of the highest honors and prestigious awards.  I tried so hard to keep focused on something and try to destroy my trans related feelings by becoming absorbed in other things. My drive and determination led to huge success at college.  After college, I was working a fairly impressive job.  I loved what I was doing and was happy with my professional life.  Yet, my GID never really went away and I was still a very sad person.  Then I found myself out of college and out of work.  That's when things got really bad.  A couple of months ago, I found myself back into an old habit, but this time it became a daily one.  For three months I was doing something and I realized I couldn't live a lie anymore.  I was numbing my pain and not addressing my problems.  I was hoping to just destroy my feelings rather than fix myself.  I finally came to terms with who and what I am.  I wasn't going to pretend to be something I'm not.  I saw what acting like a phony man and trying to fit in with others had gotten me.  The only successful path is the one that allows me to be myself.  Here I am today, ready to face a new start, live for myself, and learn to be happy.  Hence, learningtolive.  Now, I am going to transition and be myself.  Next, I will take on graduate school as the real me and focus on what I love to do professionally.  No hiding, no pretending, just being who I am, doing what I love, and happy for once.

While our stories are different, there are many similarities.  And I wanted to share it because I hope it can help you see that we all have our past demons and future dreams. I am not ashamed of my past, and you shouldn't be either.  No one is perfect and we all make mistakes.  You are moving forward as a strong and determined woman.  You have many past success to build on and it looks like you are working on doing so. That is nothing short of admirable.  While you are facing some setbacks, they are not permanent and can be overcome.

As for your current situation, it seems like this is something that you can't hide.  I think you will have to tell him.  Without having too much knowledge of the system, I can't say how it will all play out.  However, I am very doubtful that he would pursue anything legal against you.  They are usually trying to see if you are taking get high drugs.  They probably don't care about hormones. Plus, you have been prescribed and drug tested, so I don't think this is one of the drugs they are checking for.  Still, the sooner you mention this, the better it is for you. And it seems like your family is allowing you to live in the house for now.  I imagine they if they were going to kick you out, they would have done so at the very beginning.  By now, they are probably more adjusted even if it is still difficult.

I really am hoping the best for you.  If you ever need to talk, I'm always here

Quote from: Joanna Dark on May 12, 2013, 06:11:42 PM
Thanks everyone for your responses I feel a lot better. Well at least I don't regret posting this. I have to see him Tuesday and I am def not going to tell him yet cause I just don't feel comfortable enough. But then again I might. I keep running scenarios thru my head on how exactly to tell him: uh, btw...? I feel like I should just blurt out that I am a transsexual and I want to medically transition and take hormones and that this is the reason I got addicted in the first place if you were wondering and I have set up an appointment. I live in a large liberal area so he prob has at least some direction on how to proceed. Yes, you're allowed blah, blah, blah.

It's just thta what if he tries to stop me? Then I have let the cat out of the bag and am stuck.

I don't even think he has a test that can measure hormone levels. in fact he doesn't. But I am changing and sooner rather then later he is going to start to wonder. I just don't want to be stopped or forced to detransition. This is my main worry. That he will say something like you have to wait until October 2015. That is unacceptable.

You need to just do it, and no he won't be testing your hormones and if he says no, which is improbable, there is no way he can enforce it practically anyway. There is no such thing as "can't" Joanna, if you don't that means that you're willing to do a face plant rather than take control of your life and move ahead. I think you have a lot more going for you than to wimp out like that and wind up hating yourself for it later.

I'm glad you're clean Joanna.  I just wish I knew more of what to say.  You/we need HRT like a diabetic needs insulin.  While not as readily understood to the uninitiated, it remains true.  Hopefully your parole officer will respect that.

Joanna, there is absolutely no reason to be ashamed of transitioning. It's difficult and challenging and you're rising to the challenge. If you tell the officials who are supervising your probation, tell them proudly.

If there are any repercussion (which I can't imagine), go right to the LGBT legal aid groups in your area. I can't imagine an officer of the law would want the negative publicity and legal ramifications involved with interfering with a transgender person's legitimate medical treatment.

Joanna,  have you went over your conditions of parol to see what it says.. the general conditions part usually allows for Dr. perscribed drugs. There may be a  'special conditions' section, kind of an amendment to the general conditions, which outlines further restrictions and obligations.  The answer to wither you have or do not have to tell your PO of your HRT perscribed meds will be in there somewhere.  Usually, not always,  special conditions reguarding drugs only deal with narcotics or alcohol.   Once again though I'm in NY 

I really do admire your courage and commend you in opening up to us like this.   Girl Power!!!! =^..^=   

Wow I'm really overwhelmed by all the positive responses. Don't know what to say. I did read my probation agreement and it says nothing about anything jst that I can't sell or use controlled substances or drink excessively. (That means can't have a BA over .08; that's what I have been told). So technically i don't have to do anything but I still prob will. E is not a controlled substance. Neither is spiro.

I think what I will do is try to see if I can talk to a legal aid center to see how exactly how I should approach it to have the chips fall in my favor. I'd like to get every advantage I can. I'm sure they will have some advice and will have known or be able to contact someone who knows what to do.

Really I can't thanks everyone enough for your responses. It really means a lot to me and I really appreciate it.