Okay, so I typed all that stuff below, and knowing me I knew it was gonna be long, but I really out did myself this time. This has all been swirling about in my head for awhile, and I've never talked about it to anyone, so once I got going it all came out. So I'm just gonna warn you now, this is very much TLDR territory. I don't blame you if you want to bail now.
Still with me? Well, can't say I didn't warn you... Venture forth, brave traveler:
So, about a month ago I had a moment. I was commenting on a news article about coming to terms with gender confusion and understanding who you are. Having a discussion in the comments there, I sort of had a moment where I went "Holy s***, this is how I feel..."
Now, I can't get a single moment of quiet where my mind isn't spinning with these thoughts. Any time I'm not otherwise mentally occupied, my thoughts turn to my gender issues and the idea that I really think I want to transition. But I'm scared, and confused, and not sure what to think about how I feel. I want so badly to talk to someone who cares about me, but I'm so scared that they won't understand.
Let me back up, because I don't think I'm making much sense. I'm not sure exactly how far back my gender issues go. I've heard tell of stories where when my best friend and I would play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when we were 5 or so, I would always want to be April O'neil. (I'm biologically male.) Aside from my best friend, my closest friends before puberty were girls. After puberty, I was way to shy, socially awkward, and scared to approach girls. I found myself both attracted to them, and relating to them, but also growing apart as I became somehow different. I never really identified with the boys, only really making friends with the other geeky, socially awkward boys that weren't interested in the typical masculine pursuits of sports and competition. At family parties, I'd always go sit with my mother and the other women and talk with them rather than hang out with my dad and uncles. I was always considered a momma's boy, even though my dad and I are now very close.
I was picked on a lot, cried often, and was extremely emotionally sensitive. I had a hair trigger. I was an easy target for my older brother (who I'm now very close to), and any time there was an argument or any sort of angst I'd cry and beg for it to stop. People would describe my young self as sweet, gentle, and caring. Even as a teen, I never acted out. I was more interested in losing myself in books or fantasy, and I loved to learn. Being such an easy target made my school life hell.
The truth is, though, I don't remember ever actually thinking "I wish I were a girl," as a kid. I mean, to be fair, I don't remember much at all before the age of 14 or so. Frankly, that's always bothered me. My memory of my childhood seems woefully incomplete. If you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up at a young age, I'd have no idea. I could only give you the greatest hits of my interests, and if you ask me to describe my childhood homes, expect my description to be really vague.
See, I remember what it was like emotionally, but I couldn't tell you many stories of my youth that weren't relayed to me second hand. Sometimes I wonder just why my memory is so bad. I've wondered if I had some sort of trauma, but I really don't think so. My social problems aside, my life has been pretty good. My parents are great, my whole family is. I can't even imagine anything horrible happening. Maybe I was just so generally miserable I just flushed it away.
I dunno, that's all pretty melodramatic. It actually probably just has a lot more to do with the fact that I went to 8 different schools in 2 countries and 3 states, and that's a lot to remember for a kid. My dad's job had us moving around a lot.
Anyway, I'm getting off track, sorry. Point is, I don't really remember any distinct feelings about my gender as a kid. Where I first started to realize I was different was around the age of 12, when I started playing video games that would allow you to create your own character. I would always create female characters. I liked to make them pretty and dress them up to make them look cool, and cute. Any time I tried to make a male character, there was a distinct disconnect.
When people started asking me about this, I came up with an age old retort that people familiar with these types of games probably have heard before: "If I'm going to be staring at a character's butt all day, it might as well be a chick!" There was some truth to this, sure. I was young and going through puberty, and I'm attracted to women, so of course I liked to make my characters sexy. But it wasn't just that. It was that when I made a male avatar, I lost all interest in short order.
As I grew older, that explanation began to stink. I didn't like making myself out as some pervert who needs to be staring at women all the time. I really examined how I felt about it, and tried to explain it to others. It usually came out something like, "I dunno, I just like girls." I'd explain how I liked their smaller frames, how I liked lithe and agile characters. If I was feeling especially honest, I'd say "I just connect with them more."
This became more and more a "thing" as time went on. I started to realize all the people, fictional and real, I idolized most were women. I'm a big Star Wars fan, and I never really cared much about Luke, thought Han was cool, but what I really wanted was to see Leia pick up a lightsaber. Then I started reading the books and I found out there were female Jedi, and they were awesome, and I loved them and... hmm.. I wanted to be them? Well that's odd.
This theme continued into pretty much everything I enjoy. I'd always identify with and idolize the female characters in the things I loved, even if they weren't the star. I was never really into girly girls or the overly feminine, for me it was always about the action chick. She was my role model. As society caught up (something it's still doing) to the idea that women can be action stars too, I found more and more to love. It got to the point where now I deliberately look for fiction with an action girl lead.
People started to notice, and ask me about it. But I was ever the realist. I knew I was born biologically male, and it seemed a total flight of fancy that I could ever be otherwise. Moreover, I knew that even having that desire was "weird". So I'd hedge, and just shrug and say "I like a bad*** chick, what can I say?" A few time's I've come the closest I've ever come to admitting my feelings to another person, and said "If there were a character creator for life, I don't know that I wouldn't chose to be female." Look at that wondrous hedging!
So, back to about a month ago, I'm talking about all this in the comments of that article, and I have an epiphany. I've never admitted it, not even really to myself, but I'm sitting there typing all this stuff out and it strikes me as so obvious, I've had a deep seated desire to be female for a long time. I realize, I don't just "identify with girls," I want to be one. I'm transgendered.
Queue month long state of being on the edge of a panic attack. I start to spend all my free time actually looking into what this is, what the options are, and I'm amazed and scared and a little confused. Suddenly, it's real. Suddenly, transitioning is something that's possible. And the results aren't as bad or "freakish" as I've always been lead to believe.
It feels exciting and wonderful, because I never thought I could ever be who I wanted to be, but now it seems possible. Then the fear sets in, because I'm not in a place to do this, and even if I were, how do I tell my family? They are all I have and I'm not sure they'd understand. Also, I know a lot of people in this world would call me young, but I feel like my youth is behind me. (I'm 27.) I've done nothing with my life, and I feel like I've wasted so much time, and now I wonder if this might be part of why. I picture how wonderful it would be to be comfortable in my own skin for once, and it makes me want to cry in a good way, but then I picture how spectacularly and in how many ways this could go wrong and it makes me want to cry in a whole other, negative way.
I'm scared because I'm not sure what my parents would think. I live with them, like I said, I've done nothing with my life. Aside from my one best friend, my family IS my life. If I lose them I would have nothing. I don't think they would remove me from their home under any circumstances, but if my relationship with my parents soured, it would be hell.
I resent myself for not trusting them. They've always told me how much they love me, always shown that to be true. They've told me frequently that they would love me no matter what. They've even told me they'd still accept and love me if I were gay and I never have to hide from them. (So, I guess they probably know something's up.)
My parents are pretty... I dunno, laid back I guess? My family is filled with the kind of sarcastic funny people that will make bawdy, politically incorrect jokes without any malice. I can't count how many times my parents have made sexual jokes about themselves just to watch us (me and my brothers) squirm. (Not when we were kids or anything, this is now, as a group of adults.)
I know they aren't bigots. I feel sure they'd try. Still, we come from a pretty traditional background. My parents aren't super religious, but we did go to church when I was young. I attended Christian schools most of my life. Still, at home, all that was sorta just background noise. I know it matters to them though, because I remember my mom crying and telling me she was afraid for my soul when she found out my interest in pagan religions was more than academic. I'm an atheist now, and they don't give me grief about that.
But the little bit of discomfort and the perspective that being LGBT is strange is still there. When the subject of LGBT people comes up, there's that little hint of discomfort. I know my parents would never, ever, mistreat someone for who they are, but I think tolerance is more academic for them than it is in their hearts, at least with my dad. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't hate anyone, but I sense some discomfort with the idea. I'm afraid that discomfort would put distance between us. Plus, let's be honest, gay people have made a lot more traction towards being seen as normal than trans folk have. I feel pretty confident that this revelation would be met with shock, and I'm afraid it might be difficult for them to really accept.
Then there's my brother. He's super conservative. He lived in a poor area of a big city for awhile, and came away with a negative impression of minorities. It's really distressing, because he really is a good guy. I like him a lot. He just has a tendency towards sweeping conservative generalizations and traditional family values, to a "Fox News" extreme. Like my dad, I know he would never let this effect how he treats anyone, but the opinions are starkly clear with him.
What concerns me about my brother is he has two daughters. He is religious and has traditional family values, which he holds tight to. I'm concerned that faced with the task of explaining my transition to them, he would choose instead just to cut ties.
Over all, I feel like my family is fairly open minded. I'm still scared, but I definitely have better prospects than a lot of people that have gone through this. I resent myself for not having the courage to face those odds and talk to my parents.
All that would be manageable if I was 100% confident in transitioning, but the transition itself scares me too.
First of all, looking into transitioning a lot of material talks about feminizing mannerisms, and acting like a woman. There are certainly things I'd like to do that I'd be more comfortable with after transition, but I like me. I don't feel really repressed. I don't feel super feminine and I have no desire to act that way.
I mean, sure, I've always been more sensitive and empathetic than most men I know. I'm much more likely to actually want to talk about something that's bothering me than most of my male friends, to the point of their annoyance. I like girly pop music, and I do have a desire to be pretty. I have some feminine qualities. Certainly if I found myself in a female body I was comfortable and confident in, I would want to be flirty and sexual in a feminine way I could never get away with as I am.
But like I said, my role models have always been the action chicks. Tomboys. I don't feel like I have a feminine personality that I can't express because of my body. I feel more like a tomboy born in a male body.
Maybe it's my way of having dealt with my gender issues, but I've always been of the belief that gender, personality wise, is a lot more social construct than it is biological. I mean, intellectually I know there are differences, mentally and physically, but I've never wholeheartedly bought into the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" trope.
Like I said, perhaps it's because I've always identified with women that I've rationalized that they can't be so different, but the end result is the same. I've only slightly suppressed some of who I am based on the idea of "boys don't do that." I've erected a bit of an emotional wall, and I don't always readily admit to the girly things I like, but all in all, I'm fine with who I am personality wise.
So, I'm a bit concerned about going into a psych eval and being dismissed because I don't seem feminine.
I'm also concerned about the effect of hormones on my personality. I'd be glad to lose some of this residual anger that seems to always be just beneath the surface, and I'm not worried about a decrease in sex drive because as it is now my sex drive is in overdrive. Still, my mind, my rationality, my thought process, my pragmatism, it's the one bit of me that I'm actually proud of. I'm afraid of monkeying around with my mind at all.
For me, transition is more about a mental discomfort with my physical body. Not so much a mismatch with my personality in so much as that I want to act more girly, but just that my body feels wrong to me. Even when I've thought of the prospect of being the male physical ideal, it's never appealed to me. I don't think I'd even be happy in Brad Pitt's body. When I think of my ideal physical form, it's female.
Which leads me to my next concern. The fact that I have zero interest in my body has contributed to me letting it go to hell. I'm a good 200 pounds over weight and frankly, I don't think I'd want to transition at all in my condition. I know appearance shouldn't matter that much to me, but this is a lot about appearance and self image for me. I don't want to transition just to hate how I look as a woman, too.
That said, I feel like the smart thing to do is lose this weight before I transition. That alone is scary, because I've tried to lose weight before and always lacked the willpower. I think transition would be a goal that could get me there, but losing weight is hard work and takes a lot of willpower. I love food.
And that leads into the next worry. Like I said, I know a lot of people would call me young at 27, but I feel like I've wasted a lot of my life already. I wish for nothing more than a time machine to go back and beg my parents not to let puberty ravage my body, to get on this early. So every day feels like the ticking of a clock.
Losing weight is going to take time. HRT is going to take time. I don't have a job, so paying for all this is going to take time. I know I've only been seriously considering this for a short time, but having come to this revelation so late I feel the pressure. This being an issue so tied up in body image, I want to do this while I still have some youth in me. I know that must sound so incredibly shallow to some of you who are older than me and still see me as young, but what can I say, it's how I feel. I know I'll never be able to be a teenager again, but I really want some time as a young, pretty, sexy girl.
And that's the last bit. I'm 6'1 and severely overweight. I have serious issues with believing I'll ever be able to be pretty and sexy. Everyone says I have my mom's face, so I assume that means I have some feminine features, but picturing myself as a passable woman is hard. I said it before, but I'll say it again: I'm not sure I'd want to transition if I can't look good. I'm not sure all the pain and trouble is worth it just to transition and still not be satisfied with how I look. I know I'd rather be a woman regardless, but it's not just flipping a switch, so there has to be some cost/benefit analysis here.
I know, beauty is only skin deep, everyone is beautiful in their own way, so on and all that life affirming business, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't matter to me.
So, that's where I'm at. I don't know what I expect anyone to tell me. I know the options, I know what I need to do. I know I need to start losing weight, find a job, confide in someone, find a therapist and a doctor, and stop being to scared to try. I know all that. But I'm still scared.
I guess I just had all this building up for awhile now, and I needed a place to get it out. I know this was super long, so thanks if you stuck through it with me. If you have any comments, advice, thoughts, I'd love to hear them. Thanks.
