Okay, so I typed all that stuff below, and knowing me I knew it was gonna be long, but I really out did myself this time. This has all been swirling about in my head for awhile, and I've never talked about it to anyone, so once I got going it all came out. So I'm just gonna warn you now, this is very much TLDR territory. I don't blame you if you want to bail now.

Still with me? Well, can't say I didn't warn you... Venture forth, brave traveler:

So, about a month ago I had a moment. I was commenting on a news article about coming to terms with gender confusion and understanding who you are. Having a discussion in the comments there, I sort of had a moment where I went "Holy s***, this is how I feel..."

Now, I can't get a single moment of quiet where my mind isn't spinning with these thoughts. Any time I'm not otherwise mentally occupied, my thoughts turn to my gender issues and the idea that I really think I want to transition. But I'm scared, and confused, and not sure what to think about how I feel. I want so badly to talk to someone who cares about me, but I'm so scared that they won't understand.

Let me back up, because I don't think I'm making much sense. I'm not sure exactly how far back my gender issues go. I've heard tell of stories where when my best friend and I would play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when we were 5 or so, I would always want to be April O'neil. (I'm biologically male.) Aside from my best friend, my closest friends before puberty were girls. After puberty, I was way to shy, socially awkward, and scared to approach girls. I found myself both attracted to them, and relating to them, but also growing apart as I became somehow different. I never really identified with the boys, only really making friends with the other geeky, socially awkward boys that weren't interested in the typical masculine pursuits of sports and competition. At family parties, I'd always go sit with my mother and the other women and talk with them rather than hang out with my dad and uncles. I was always considered a momma's boy, even though my dad and I are now very close.

I was picked on a lot, cried often, and was extremely emotionally sensitive. I had a hair trigger. I was an easy target for my older brother (who I'm now very close to), and any time there was an argument or any sort of angst I'd cry and beg for it to stop. People would describe my young self as sweet, gentle, and caring. Even as a teen, I never acted out. I was more interested in losing myself in books or fantasy, and I loved to learn. Being such an easy target made my school life hell.

The truth is, though, I don't remember ever actually thinking "I wish I were a girl," as a kid. I mean, to be fair, I don't remember much at all before the age of 14 or so. Frankly, that's always bothered me. My memory of my childhood seems woefully incomplete. If you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up at a young age, I'd have no idea. I could only give you the greatest hits of my interests, and if you ask me to describe my childhood homes, expect my description to be really vague.

See, I remember what it was like emotionally, but I couldn't tell you many stories of my youth that weren't relayed to me second hand. Sometimes I wonder just why my memory is so bad. I've wondered if I had some sort of trauma, but I really don't think so. My social problems aside, my life has been pretty good. My parents are great, my whole family is. I can't even imagine anything horrible happening. Maybe I was just so generally miserable I just flushed it away.

I dunno, that's all pretty melodramatic. It actually probably just has a lot more to do with the fact that I went to 8 different schools in 2 countries and 3 states, and that's a lot to remember for a kid. My dad's job had us moving around a lot.

Anyway, I'm getting off track, sorry. Point is, I don't really remember any distinct feelings about my gender as a kid. Where I first started to realize I was different was around the age of 12, when I started playing video games that would allow you to create your own character. I would always create female characters. I liked to make them pretty and dress them up to make them look cool, and cute. Any time I tried to make a male character, there was a distinct disconnect.

When people started asking me about this, I came up with an age old retort that people familiar with these types of games probably have heard before: "If I'm going to be staring at a character's butt all day, it might as well be a chick!" There was some truth to this, sure. I was young and going through puberty, and I'm attracted to women, so of course I liked to make my characters sexy. But it wasn't just that. It was that when I made a male avatar, I lost all interest in short order.

As I grew older, that explanation began to stink. I didn't like making myself out as some pervert who needs to be staring at women all the time. I really examined how I felt about it, and tried to explain it to others. It usually came out something like, "I dunno, I just like girls." I'd explain how I liked their smaller frames, how I liked lithe and agile characters. If I was feeling especially honest, I'd say "I just connect with them more."

This became more and more a "thing" as time went on. I started to realize all the people, fictional and real, I idolized most were women. I'm a big Star Wars fan, and I never really cared much about Luke, thought Han was cool, but what I really wanted was to see Leia pick up a lightsaber. Then I started reading the books and I found out there were female Jedi, and they were awesome, and I loved them and... hmm.. I wanted to be them? Well that's odd.

This theme continued into pretty much everything I enjoy. I'd always identify with and idolize the female characters in the things I loved, even if they weren't the star. I was never really into girly girls or the overly feminine, for me it was always about the action chick. She was my role model. As society caught up (something it's still doing) to the idea that women can be action stars too, I found more and more to love. It got to the point where now I deliberately look for fiction with an action girl lead.

People started to notice, and ask me about it. But I was ever the realist. I knew I was born biologically male, and it seemed a total flight of fancy that I could ever be otherwise. Moreover, I knew that even having that desire was "weird". So I'd hedge, and just shrug and say "I like a bad*** chick, what can I say?" A few time's I've come the closest I've ever come to admitting my feelings to another person, and said "If there were a character creator for life, I don't know that I wouldn't chose to be female." Look at that wondrous hedging!

So, back to about a month ago, I'm talking about all this in the comments of that article, and I have an epiphany. I've never admitted it, not even really to myself, but I'm sitting there typing all this stuff out and it strikes me as so obvious, I've had a deep seated desire to be female for a long time. I realize, I don't just "identify with girls," I want to be one. I'm transgendered.

Queue month long state of being on the edge of a panic attack. I start to spend all my free time actually looking into what this is, what the options are, and I'm amazed and scared and a little confused. Suddenly, it's real. Suddenly, transitioning is something that's possible. And the results aren't as bad or "freakish" as I've always been lead to believe.

It feels exciting and wonderful, because I never thought I could ever be who I wanted to be, but now it seems possible. Then the fear sets in, because I'm not in a place to do this, and even if I were, how do I tell my family? They are all I have and I'm not sure they'd understand. Also, I know a lot of people in this world would call me young, but I feel like my youth is behind me. (I'm 27.) I've done nothing with my life, and I feel like I've wasted so much time, and now I wonder if this might be part of why. I picture how wonderful it would be to be comfortable in my own skin for once, and it makes me want to cry in a good way, but then I picture how spectacularly and in how many ways this could go wrong and it makes me want to cry in a whole other, negative way.

I'm scared because I'm not sure what my parents would think. I live with them, like I said, I've done nothing with my life. Aside from my one best friend, my family IS my life. If I lose them I would have nothing. I don't think they would remove me from their home under any circumstances, but if my relationship with my parents soured, it would be hell.

I resent myself for not trusting them. They've always told me how much they love me, always shown that to be true. They've told me frequently that they would love me no matter what. They've even told me they'd still accept and love me if I were gay and I never have to hide from them. (So, I guess they probably know something's up.)

My parents are pretty... I dunno, laid back I guess? My family is filled with the kind of sarcastic funny people that will make bawdy, politically incorrect jokes without any malice. I can't count how many times my parents have made sexual jokes about themselves just to watch us (me and my brothers) squirm. (Not when we were kids or anything, this is now, as a group of adults.)

I know they aren't bigots. I feel sure they'd try. Still, we come from a pretty traditional background. My parents aren't super religious, but we did go to church when I was young. I attended Christian schools most of my life. Still, at home, all that was sorta just background noise. I know it matters to them though, because I remember my mom crying and telling me she was afraid for my soul when she found out my interest in pagan religions was more than academic. I'm an atheist now, and they don't give me grief about that.

But the little bit of discomfort and the perspective that being LGBT is strange is still there. When the subject of LGBT people comes up, there's that little hint of discomfort. I know my parents would never, ever, mistreat someone for who they are, but I think tolerance is more academic for them than it is in their hearts, at least with my dad. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't hate anyone, but I sense some discomfort with the idea. I'm afraid that discomfort would put distance between us. Plus, let's be honest, gay people have made a lot more traction towards being seen as normal than trans folk have. I feel pretty confident that this revelation would be met with shock, and I'm afraid it might be difficult for them to really accept.

Then there's my brother. He's super conservative. He lived in a poor area of a big city for awhile, and came away with a negative impression of minorities. It's really distressing, because he really is a good guy. I like him a lot. He just has a tendency towards sweeping conservative generalizations and traditional family values, to a "Fox News" extreme. Like my dad, I know he would never let this effect how he treats anyone, but the opinions are starkly clear with him.

What concerns me about my brother is he has two daughters. He is religious and has traditional family values, which he holds tight to. I'm concerned that faced with the task of explaining my transition to them, he would choose instead just to cut ties.

Over all, I feel like my family is fairly open minded. I'm still scared, but I definitely have better prospects than a lot of people that have gone through this. I resent myself for not having the courage to face those odds and talk to my parents.

All that would be manageable if I was 100% confident in transitioning, but the transition itself scares me too.

First of all, looking into transitioning a lot of material talks about feminizing mannerisms, and acting like a woman. There are certainly things I'd like to do that I'd be more comfortable with after transition, but I like me. I don't feel really repressed. I don't feel super feminine and I have no desire to act that way.

I mean, sure, I've always been more sensitive and empathetic than most men I know. I'm much more likely to actually want to talk about something that's bothering me than most of my male friends, to the point of their annoyance. I like girly pop music, and I do have a desire to be pretty. I have some feminine qualities. Certainly if I found myself in a female body I was comfortable and confident in, I would want to be flirty and sexual in a feminine way I could never get away with as I am.

But like I said, my role models have always been the action chicks. Tomboys. I don't feel like I have a feminine personality that I can't express because of my body. I feel more like a tomboy born in a male body.

Maybe it's my way of having dealt with my gender issues, but I've always been of the belief that gender, personality wise, is a lot more social construct than it is biological. I mean, intellectually I know there are differences, mentally and physically, but I've never wholeheartedly bought into the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" trope.

Like I said, perhaps it's because I've always identified with women that I've rationalized that they can't be so different, but the end result is the same. I've only slightly suppressed some of who I am based on the idea of "boys don't do that." I've erected a bit of an emotional wall, and I don't always readily admit to the girly things I like, but all in all, I'm fine with who I am personality wise.

So, I'm a bit concerned about going into a psych eval and being dismissed because I don't seem feminine.

I'm also concerned about the effect of hormones on my personality. I'd be glad to lose some of this residual anger that seems to always be just beneath the surface, and I'm not worried about a decrease in sex drive because as it is now my sex drive is in overdrive. Still, my mind, my rationality, my thought process, my pragmatism, it's the one bit of me that I'm actually proud of. I'm afraid of monkeying around with my mind at all.

For me, transition is more about a mental discomfort with my physical body. Not so much a mismatch with my personality in so much as that I want to act more girly, but just that my body feels wrong to me. Even when I've thought of the prospect of being the male physical ideal, it's never appealed to me. I don't think I'd even be happy in Brad Pitt's body. When I think of my ideal physical form, it's female.

Which leads me to my next concern. The fact that I have zero interest in my body has contributed to me letting it go to hell. I'm a good 200 pounds over weight and frankly, I don't think I'd want to transition at all in my condition. I know appearance shouldn't matter that much to me, but this is a lot about appearance and self image for me. I don't want to transition just to hate how I look as a woman, too.

That said, I feel like the smart thing to do is lose this weight before I transition. That alone is scary, because I've tried to lose weight before and always lacked the willpower. I think transition would be a goal that could get me there, but losing weight is hard work and takes a lot of willpower. I love food.

And that leads into the next worry. Like I said, I know a lot of people would call me young at 27, but I feel like I've wasted a lot of my life already. I wish for nothing more than a time machine to go back and beg my parents not to let puberty ravage my body, to get on this early. So every day feels like the ticking of a clock.

Losing weight is going to take time. HRT is going to take time. I don't have a job, so paying for all this is going to take time. I know I've only been seriously considering this for a short time, but having come to this revelation so late I feel the pressure. This being an issue so tied up in body image, I want to do this while I still have some youth in me. I know that must sound so incredibly shallow to some of you who are older than me and still see me as young, but what can I say, it's how I feel. I know I'll never be able to be a teenager again, but I really want some time as a young, pretty, sexy girl.

And that's the last bit. I'm 6'1 and severely overweight. I have serious issues with believing I'll ever be able to be pretty and sexy. Everyone says I have my mom's face, so I assume that means I have some feminine features, but picturing myself as a passable woman is hard. I said it before, but I'll say it again: I'm not sure I'd want to transition if I can't look good. I'm not sure all the pain and trouble is worth it just to transition and still not be satisfied with how I look. I know I'd rather be a woman regardless, but it's not just flipping a switch, so there has to be some cost/benefit analysis here.

I know, beauty is only skin deep, everyone is beautiful in their own way, so on and all that life affirming business, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't matter to me.

So, that's where I'm at. I don't know what I expect anyone to tell me. I know the options, I know what I need to do. I know I need to start losing weight, find a job, confide in someone, find a therapist and a doctor, and stop being to scared to try. I know all that. But I'm still scared.

I guess I just had all this building up for awhile now, and I needed a place to get it out. I know this was super long, so thanks if you stuck through it with me. If you have any comments, advice, thoughts, I'd love to hear them. Thanks.

Hi Hon,

Scared is good. It keeps the adrenaline going. So make it work for you.

There are so many woman on this site that have made the lament that they will never pass, including me,  with time and practice we do. A lot of passing is between the ears, when you are confident and when the female switch has been flicked life is a whole lot different.

Your height is no issue. The average height for female models is 6 foot, so what's your problem


Weight can be lost and exercise can be taken up. Neither costs money, in many ways they will save money. Exercise? Start walking, everywhere, drink water, throw the sugar drinks etc in the bin. Eat vegetables and lean meat. Take your measurements and start being proud of what you are achieving.

Family and friends? Well we learn to deal with them. Some people have horror stories, I for one was totally accepted by family, whatever few friends I had and my work people were totally accepting.

What do I have now? Friends, lots of them, family is still there work is great, I have a boyfriend I have people calling me and asking how I am. People in the shops know me and talk to me and respect me.

I have lost nothing.

Sure it ain't easy and yes there are tears and dark times but I did all of this when I was 58 - I wasted my life in self imposed misery instead of facing the truth.

Don't waste yours.  Talk to a gender therapist, they help, they can help a lot.

Start a life plan. You have drifted long enough, there is a woman in there trying to get out, let her start planning her life.

Simple steps first - I gave you diet, exercise and a therapist - oh and the life plan!

It seems a long road but it need not be.
Just an example - I was terrified of getting my ears pierced, totally terrified, I thought I would lose my job, get insulted in the street, life would go even more to hell than it was. All of this for getting my ears pierced

Well two years later I was on HT and living as me full time. Never been happier and never been so well respected and loving life.

If a 58 yr old grey haired old drunk  can do this, why can't a healthy 27 year old?

Never say never.

Hugs and welcome.

You have a new family now, one that understands, because we have been there or are going there, and we will not let you down.

Hugs

Cindy

Thanks Cindy.

You saying "There is a woman in there trying to get out," reminded me of something. My mom has a sign in our kitchen that says "There's a skinny girl inside of me that's trying to get out, but I can usually shut her up with cookies." Seeing it lately in a new, ironic light. *grin*

@ Jaydefyre

I have to comment on your post, I'm 26 myself and male - always known I was female from a young age. As a young child I played with girls toys, had girl friends and sleepovers etc. As I grew up, like you I went very into myself although my personality remained the same, bubbly and girly. Attending college I spent time with two mature woman, our class was mixed but I always wanted to be with them as they seemed confident and nice people. Even when I did move away from the ladies it was to a group of girls who I enjoyed hanging out with. I remember like wanting to be one of them... but I was stuck as male and just accpeted it.

It was during college I had a life drawing class, I could draw the woman nude no problem but when I was told the next model would be male I was shocked and didn't want to do the class anymore. At the time I was very uncomfortable - I just knew I couldn't draw this man's penis because it would have been embarrassing and upsetting. I've always kinda felt uncomfortable with that area on my body - now I just don't look there anymore.

I've been living as a girl for about a month now, shaving areas that need to be, using nail polish, wearing floaty tops, undies etc. nothing feels weird or strange. I've been to councelling and talked openly about my feelings - I know I want to be a GRIL - it's all I ever wanted. I think even my brain is changing and accpeting it now - I feel calmer and no-where near as stressed out as a few months back when everything was hell on earth!

Yesterday I went to councelling dressed as a girl for the first time in public, I felt happy and nervous all at the same time. I walked along a particularly busy street with cars stopping and people walking up and down all the time. I mostly kept walking with my head up, occasionally looking down. But when my head was up I felt a sense of pride and happyness that I cannot explain, it's like I was finally free to be myself and say "this is who I am" to everyone. No-one said anything, I did get a few looks etc. but I was mainly looking at my mum for support as she walked beside me.

I've had doubts today but yesterday was such a huge leap forward that I know I have to keep on going!

As Cindy said Weight orbody issues can be addressed at no cost. Eating healthily can have amazing benifits - better skin and hair for one thing! I am currently working on toning my sides, I have quite a feminine shape so am lucky there.

Also I'm 6'3 height so don't feel worried, there's lost of tall femailes out there 

I wish you the very best of luck, you just have to be honest about who you are xx

I understand the worry. I am currently debating on telling my own parents. It is scary to come out in general. I am not sure if I am even trans. I know I like to wear women's clothes, and like you I had many times growing up where I identified with females far more than I did with males. Like you I to changed and felt like I grew apart from them, but at the same time was just as close as ever. It hurt for me to see my female friends getting their first bras and the like. I don't know though if that was because I wanted to just wear the clothes or what. I am just as confused. I will say that everybody here has been very welcoming and understanding.

Now as far as the weight goes: it can be lost and yes it is going to be hard. I to have the same feelings of worry that I will start on the path of transitioning and then not having the drive to finish. I am scared that I will start and then find out that it is not what I want. It has helped though talking to people here. I have come to terms with the fact that I might be trans. I am still figuring things out as well, but that is okay.

I know my response is most likely not the most supporting and reassuring, but I want you to know that there are others like you. That is a big reason I came to susans. I wanted to know if there were others like me. I am glad to say I have indeed.

I lost 125 lbs and will lose 40 more, quit drinking ( alcoholic), quit drugs, quit smoking, walk, eat super healthy and feel much better than I did 25 years ago ( age 50 now). My bmi is 19 and BP is 120 over 61.

HRT starts in 10 days and 20 minutes  ,
Came out to wife and 7 senior or lateral co-workers ( no hiding going into the process, I am tired of hiding)
Scared, every step of the way. Lots of small steps and I can not believe how far I have come.
I will investigate laser when at the center in 10 days,
I am working actively on my voice and it is coming along well.

I am so happy to be learning to live I can not imaging contemplating killing myself now, this is so great; you may have no idea.

Change is scarry, hard work, pain and triumph. Perhaps setting your past to paper and adding as you remember will help with the past. I know I had put most of my early life out of my mind. The word document I made was so abvious I am tansg and Bi. I admitted it and the gates of hell came crashing in. I made a trans mind map and it is a road map of my past, present and future, very very cool tool.

Good luck, hope this helps, hugs.

Thanks for your support, everyone.

I guess a big part of why I'm so scared right now is that I'm half convinced I'm crazy. Not that I think being trans is crazy, just that my narrative doesn't seem to match up with the typical trans narrative.

I hear so many trans people talk about how they knew from youth, had this pressing need to live as the other gender for as long as they can remember. I never had that experience. For example, I don't remember ever going to my mom and asking why I wasn't a girl. (Though, I don't remember much of anything from my youth.)

I have markers, sure. There's the picking out girl characters to be when I'd play as a kid, as a teen I remember secretly wanting to dress in girls' clothes, but never really having the opportunity. (There were my mom's clothes, which was slightly tempting from time to time, but always felt wrong and invasive. Besides, I was way too big.) I've always chosen to play female characters in games when possible, my favorite fictional characters have always been female, I've always just generally identified more closely with women. I'm a writer, and every fiction story I write is about a female main character. Most telling, I've always had the secret fantasy that if I could only just change bodies and have a girl's body, that would be so great. I've thought of them all, from brain switching, to magic, to shape shifting, to elaborate robot bodies.

All that never really built to a pressing need to actually try to transition. I don't have any stories of crying and cursing myself for not being female. I've never had any real disgust or disdain for my body, just dissatisfaction and a persistent desire to be the other sex. I certainly don't hate my penis. SRS holds a certain appeal to me, and I don't think I'd miss it so long as my ability to feel sexual pleasure wasn't diminished, but I don't resent my genitals. I'm certainly not repulsed enough to not enjoy it since it's there.

Even as I got older and was exposed to the idea of cross dressing and sex changes, it never really occurred to me as something I wanted to try. I mean, I guess that's not true. I already said I had a desire to dress up in women's clothes before, and I suppose fantasizing about changing bodies is essentially dreaming about a sex reassignment. Maybe it's more that those things were always presented as a freak show when I was exposed to them. Still, I'm a smart person, my intelligence is one of the few things about myself that I'm really proud of, and it sorta confuses and frightens me that this is the first time this has become a serious consideration for me.

I hear these stories of boys and girls transitioning in their teens or even before, and it make me think, "Wow, how is that even possible?" Just the idea of knowing that clearly, that early, and being brave enough and capable enough to do something about it, it blows my mind. I hear stories about people trying to kill themselves over how strong these feeling are and it makes me question the validity of my own feelings.

I mean, I have no doubt about my desire. It's always been there, persistent and strong. But until lately, I haven't felt unbalanced by it and that makes me wonder, you know? Maybe it's just because until now I've never let myself think of it as something that's really possible. Until now, it's always just been some secret fantasy that I couldn't tell anyone about, couldn't admit to, but couldn't really hide very well either.

I'm just confused, you know? I don't doubt that I have this desire, I just question whether I'm right to have it... Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe knowing what I want is enough, and I don't need to justify it to myself or anyone. I don't know. I'm just scared that I'm wrong or crazy somehow.

I know, I need to talk to a gender therapist about this. But I don't have a dime in my pocket, the thought of working some menial minimum wage job like fast food is extremely depressing, and I'm already so depressed I don't think I could handle it. Last time I worked a job like that I had panic attacks every day. I have the skills and training to get a good paying IT job, but that's a whole other can of worms for someone with near crippling social anxiety, what with interviews and everything, and explaining why I'm 27 with no real work experience. These stream of consciousness posts might not be a good indicator, but I have a flare and passion for writing too, but I don't even know how to begin to make money from that.

I feel like the answer should be to talk to my parents. I know they care about me a lot. I know they want what's best for me. My mom has asked me to go to therapy for depression before, so I'm sure she'd be all too happy to hear me express interest in therapy, but I'm not sure how they'd react to the desire for gender therapy. Like I said, I know they want what's best for me, but I'm afraid of what they might think is best. I'm afraid they might try to convince me that this is nuts and I should let it go, and I'm afraid if that happens I might shut down and give up again.

I just feel so lost. I once heard someone say to never not do something because your afraid, which is great advice. I just wish it were easier to follow, because I'm really, powerfully afraid.

Quote from: Jadefyre on May 19, 2013, 01:39:13 AM

I just feel so lost. I once heard someone say to never not do something because your afraid, which is great advice. I just wish it were easier to follow, because I'm really, powerfully afraid.

With respect to that person, that's crap.

Perhaps asking for help to pay for a thrapist for depression and social anxiety. You do not need to expressly say gender therapist. Gender therapist deal with a host of issues.

A lot of transg have social anxiety, myself included. I am an engineer because I have an awesome ability to fanticise and construct solutions. I see things much different than cis gender people. A lot of transg go into engineering, it and the sciences.

From the age of 7 through college I have a great deal of difficulty speaking. I studdered and stammered horribly.

Quote from: spacial on May 19, 2013, 07:09:00 AM
With respect to that person, that's crap.

Care to elaborate? What about not allowing fear to control you is crap? Easier said than done, sure, but I don't see how it's bad advice. After all, if there's a logical reason not to do something, it's not the fear that's stopping you anyway, it's logic. If there's no good reason not to do something you want to do, aside from that it scares you, why should you let the fear stop you?

Quote from: Jadefyre on May 19, 2013, 07:46:20 AM
Care to elaborate? What about not allowing fear to control you is crap? Easier said than done, sure, but I don't see how it's bad advice. After all, if there's a logical reason not to do something, it's not the fear that's stopping you anyway, it's logic. If there's no good reason not to do something you want to do, aside from that it scares you, why should you let the fear stop you?

I understand. If you're at the point where you are trying not to let fear control you then you have already conquered it.

Anyway, those sort of semantics, if they suit you, go ahead.  Sorry for interrupting.

Quote from: spacial on May 19, 2013, 08:23:53 AM
I understand. If you're at the point where you are trying not to let fear control you then you have already conquered it.

Anyway, those sort of semantics, if they suit you, go ahead.  Sorry for interrupting.

No, not a problem at all, I was genuinely curious as to why you didn't like it.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on May 19, 2013, 07:11:00 AM
Perhaps asking for help to pay for a thrapist for depression and social anxiety. You do not need to expressly say gender therapist. Gender therapist deal with a host of issues.

I thought about that. I'm not sure I like the idea of lying, even by omission. I really would rather just get the courage up to talk to them. I feel like I'd feel a lot better. Plus, I'm not sure there's a gender therapist local enough to me for it to make sense for me to go there instead of one of the closer general therapists, including one my mom has visited herself.

Still, thanks for the advice, it's definitely something to consider.

Quote
A lot of transg have social anxiety, myself included. I am an engineer because I have an awesome ability to fanticise and construct solutions. I see things much different than cis gender people. A lot of transg go into engineering, it and the sciences.

From the age of 7 through college I have a great deal of difficulty speaking. I studdered and stammered horribly.

That's interesting. I have a similar mindset, one of problem solving and an ability to visualize. I never thought it was tied into not being cis, though. What makes you say that?

I am scared of just about everything that can control or judge me. I am actively confonting my fears.

My imagination is my escape. I live with my imagination and it is an all encompassing experiance. I love science and sci-fi too. Applied science is engineering. I experiance engineering through my imagination and all possibilities are reviewed and the best possible solutions are tested through applied science and the best fit is adopted. Most people want an immediate answer. I want the experiance of finding the best fit possible solutions and pick the one through applied science. I like the distraction and that I can think alone about a subject other than me.

Hello Jadefyre,
Your assessment is very honest, and I think your honesty will help you gain acceptance if you decide to talk to your parents, your brother, and a therapist. It sounds as though you have a lot of love in your family, and that will make a huge difference.

If you start to take steps, even small steps, toward a future you want, you may find that losing weight and finding work are less difficult. I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do.

@ Jaydefyre

Has anyone ever commented on you being girly or anything like that? Like your mannerisms or anything?

I'm pretty bubbly and girly when I'm myself - but because I tried so hard to fit in my birth gender I've lost alot of myself along the way... I know it's coming back now and I'm happy about that. Just being honest and true to who you are as a person is a huge step forward - it's a complicated process and only you can truly know if you are transgender or not.

As for dressing in clothes, I used to dress up all the time from a young age, then in my teens I would wear my mums clothes and feel it looks right. But everyone has there own individual style, try looking at shops on Ebay at woman's clothes and ask yourself - "can I really see myself wearing this?" - I've been doing that this last week and it's really helped me alot to re-discover my style and dress sense.
As a male I always wore jeans, plain coloured t shirts and trainers. I didn't really have a sense of style or look. But as a woman I look at clothes and now think - "yeah that looks nice I want it". I know it doesn't seem like a huge leap but this tells me I am certainly more attracted to the style and look of womans clothing than men's.

Make-up - have you ever wore any? how does it feel on your skin? I love makep-up!! Get up in the morning and it's on with the face, takes me a while as I've only just started with it but I know it feels great and makes my complexion much better. As a guy I wore foundation to college and lied about it being fake tan... I was only lying to myself of course as all the girls in my class knew it was foundation... not to mention I cried cause of this horrid client and it ran down my face... lol bad day!
Try experimenting with make-up and see how it feels.

Hair - have you always had long or shorter hair? I used to have really short hair... it was awful... I pulled my hair out as a kid, meningitis and stress was the cause but I also believe it was because I had GID from a really young age. When I saw Little Mermaid I knew I wanted to be like Ariel... but I was stuck as a boy and couldn't do antyhing about it.
Try growing your hair for a spell and see how it feels.

Other things you could try are painting your nails, wearing a bras & panties, practice walking as a girl etc. Just somethings that might get you more on an even keel about yourself and if you have GID or not.

Best of luck xx

Hi Jadefyre!

I can't really comment much on the rest of your issues. I'm still trying to work up the nerve to go see a therapist at my college and tell my wife, so I'll leave it to the other ladys to give you advice.

But I may have some advice on the weight loss, if you're up for it. One thing I have found that has helped me to lose weight isn't to lose my love of food. I mean, . . . why would you do that? What's the point of losing weight . . . if you don't change the way you eat so you can keep it off?

What I did was change the way I think about food. Here's an example:

When I think about something like, say, steak, I think of this:

Now, I used to absolutely LOVE beef. But then, one day I said to myself, "Let's think about it a moment."

Fat. Blood. Meat. Greasy. Some poor animal's buttocs. Bacteria in all that moisture . . . moisture that used to be inside a living creature . . . blood . . . Just look at it! That stretching pinkish stuff between the red? What is that? Now, try pictureing that mash of stuff going down your throat and through your system . . . when you stop and think about it . . . yeah.

I found beef to be the absolute easiest thing to cut out of my diet.

Next is soda.



Tooth rotting sugar. Kidney stone creating sticky stuff that slowly coats your insides . . . brown unapitising color . . . Oh and that sticky gooy stuff? When it's working its way through your kidneys . . . it also ups your blood pressure. At best I can now only drink diet sprite . . . I've given up cafeen all together, and typicaly drink water, tea, or juice.


Speaking of juice . . .

Just think about it a moment. Someone just took an orange, squeezed that sucker after wattering it, and poured it in a glass. Outside of water . . . I find it's tough to find something more pure, that tasts great to drink, than juice. It's fresh, it's bright, it's got flavor, it comes in several different varieties of pulp if you like it, and smooth if you don't. Certanly better than a glass of soda.

Let's go back to the steak and compare it to this:

Leafy, light, colorful, crunchy, healthy . . . that light spray of moisture on the leavs, maybe some seasoning, a little dressing, and hey, you can still have meat, just make it grilled chicken, or shrimp mixed in since that has less fat . . . and blood . . .  And even try doing the same thing. Picture it going through your system. Which one is just a nicer image? meat fat and blood that's 6 hours old digesting in acids . . . or leafy stuff cleaning you out?

I've lost about 50 pounds since I started trying to lose weight in January. The above has been what I call phase one. Just litteraly changing the way I think about food and what I crave. I havn't really eaten less . . . just eat something that I truly like better.

Subway instead of Mcdonalds. Nice fresh, clear water instead of sugary sticky gooy soda. Great salads of various types instead of some thick hunk of meat. Grilled instead of fried . . .

Now I'm hungry!

It was a little tricky the first week. But after that? I have zero issues with it and very little craving for foods that I used to be able to avoid.

I don't know if it'll help you or not, but it's what I did. Maybe even try gradualy. Just pick one thing to change (I started with soda in November, then beef). And as others have said, exercise. Even if it's just a 15 minute walk away from the house, and a 15 minute walk back to the house. I'm getting a tred mill and picked up some new headphones so I can start exercising more regularly regardless of weather (...I live in kansas . . . It's either too hot or too cold 90% of the year ...), but I susspect that will only increase the amount of fat I get rid of.

Doing all of this has helped me feel physicaly a lot better, and I've only really just started. It's still hard for me when I look in the mirror and I see a slightly overweight 32 year old guy looking back at me. But . . . the above? The above has helped me just feel better, and the better I feel, the more clearly I've found that I can think about some my issues and I'm coming closer to starting to resolve them.

What ever you do, don't give up.