Frustrated rant...

[Elsa]

Hey Everyone,

I just wanted to rant a bit. Well I've been hoping that someday my parents would come around and accept me.
But it seems that just when I've finally start to believe that my parents could love me for who I am I can't help feeling like they don't care about me anymore. Since, I've quit my job am not really sure what do I want to with my life or what career I would like to choose.
I've been trying to deal with being TS/TG for so long and trying so hard to hide it most of my life that I just never had the chance to think about what my future would be or maybe I just didn't want to because it just scares me because the career I am interested in is no longer available to me.

The last week of my job I tried to confront the people making jokes about me while I was near them. So I slipped a note to the person among them I thought was mature enough to understand. Except that it ended up getting escalated to the HR and since it was a different department and a manager was involved it went high as my HOD but not until after a meeting between the HR heads and me and the girl I gave the note to. I ended up walking out of that meeting shocked, disappointed and near tears because the girl and her supervisor wanted to have my head for it. So I guess I should have realized that she would be no different from the rest. And to make things worse the HR heads said that I needed to be sensitive while speaking to girls and that girls are sensitive. I almost cried when they said that. It just made me sick and feels like people would never see me as myself and accept me for who I am rather than whom they want me to be. Not to mention I had no support from my manager at the time and supervisor and the HOD was not told about till after the meeting. Also since it was my word against theirs they completely denied making the jokes.

My parents are against therapy, HRT and transitioning of any kind. So I am trying to be as feminine as possible - but even small things seems to get on their nerves like trying to get rid of my body hair which disgust me - because I really really hate having body hair. And no matter how much I try to get rid of it - it just doesn't seem to go away for long. And when I reached puberty for some stupid reason I started growing everywhere, and now I have a bad habit of pulling my hair or even scratching at it until it bleeds. Again another thing that makes me disgusted with me. And now as a result I have a ton of scars everywhere thanks to the fact that I really hate it.
And so I can only work on my voice and body hair when they aren't around or aren't listening. And I hate that I depend on them even though I am old enough to live on my own but I just can't afford that. And it feels like they are trying their best to avoid me.

After leaving my job about a week or two after my BFF quit - I really miss her and I try to spend as much time as I can with her.
And she is my only link to sanity or not feeling like a sad lonely piece of s***. But for some stupid reason my parents hate her - which  makes me angry at them although I don't really care what they think anymore.

It's been a little more than a year on HRT (a year and half if I include the last time I was on HRT) and I am still in boy mode - which I hate and then there are times when people might be interested in me because they think I am a guy and when I come out to them they just lose interest either immediately or eventually.

Sorry for the long and rather depressing rant - it's been a while since I've been able to talk to anyone about things and I just needed to vent. Also I might be having a bad case of depression from having to deal with GID all the time. So please forgive my long rant.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Long rants are fine, hon! It's helpful to get things out. Hugs, Devlyn

PS That wasn't long!

[Joanna Dark]

I'm really sorry your family is treating you this way. My family is just plain ignoring it. But they have been treating me a little better. At first my mom said she doesn't believe me so I guess it's hard for people. Still you deserve to be loved by your family if no one else. It sucks about your work but hey at least you have one really good friend. That's a positive!

[Ltl89]

I'm really sorry to hear this.  It sounds like a nightmare job if that is how the HR department operates.  How I wish ENDA could be passed (and something similar for those who live outside of the U.S)

I understand what you mean about family.  I live at home with my mom and have been very cautious about transitioning while under her roof.  Yet, I am too poor to move out while paying for the transition.  So, I have resided in hiding for a long time.  But, I can't wait any longer and have to start.  Now I am starting therapy and hopefully hrt will come not too long after.  Though soon I will have to come out and face the consequences. 

Is it possible for you to hide therapy and HRT in the initial stages?  I was going to do that and it can be done.  I decided against it because it would difficult for me to hide for too long, but it might be the right move for you if you could make it work.

I wish you lots of luck and I'm sorry things couldn't be easy for you. 

[Jess42]

Girls need to be treated with sensitivity because they are sensitive? WOW, what kind of idiotic thinking is that. Most women can hurt you more with their tounges and backstabbing than most guys can with their fists.

How about treating everyone the same, with the same amount of respect no matter what gender. It's just the right thing to do.

Let me rephrase the first part. A lot of women can hurt you more with their tounges and backstabbing. It just sounded bad but hang in their Alexia6, don't let it eat away at you.

[Elsa]

Thanks everyone! It's been about 21 days since I've quit and I still can't forget how the next day when I was asked feedback about the meeting I ended up almost breaking down and telling details of my private life to people who may not care for me and I really hated the way I was treated and I even asked them if a policy could be put in place to help and protect anyone who's TG. Although I won't be there to see if they actually take my advice or not. And there are at least 3 others on the floor where I used to work, who I think might be TG/TS but I've never approached them since I didn't want to accidently out them. Anyways I only confronted them because I just couldn't let them get away knowing that they may target someone else who's TG or think that someone who's TG is weak or an easy target. I just hope I didn't do more harm than good.

I haven't even spoken to my therapist or my BFF since I can't get the words out of my mouth to describe how much I hated it. So writing it out is something that clears my head and helps me put my own emotions into perspective.

I'm really sorry to hear this.  It sounds like a nightmare job if that is how the HR department operates.  How I wish ENDA could be passed (and something similar for those who live outside of the U.S)

I seriously wish there was something like that in place here. It would make life easier for a lot of people here.

Is it possible for you to hide therapy and HRT in the initial stages?  I was going to do that and it can be done.  I decided against it because it would difficult for me to hide for too long, but it might be the right move for you if you could make it work.

Yes as a lot of people have said HRT and therapy can be hidden for as long as you want. With me I either let myself get outed or outed myself before anyone else could do it for me. Although in my opinion things can get weird or difficult if they find out about your therapy or HRT and your hormones would be difficult to explain if they ever find it.

As long as you are able to hide the therapy and HRT meds and effects - it can be done - although I wouldn't recommend it unless it's the only option - it was for me. The really difficult time of HRT would be between 8th and 12th months when your bust would start becoming obvious and you might have to change the way you behave because of them. Example - any activity where your top is uncovered becomes a no-no or something that might hurt or touch it would needed to be avoided depending on what the activity it is.
After a point where you start to look, feel and behave in a feminine manner even when in boy mode - it gets really impossible to hide unless you really make an effort to hide it. Although when this happens is different for each person.

[Ltl89]

Must of misread your post Alexia.  I thought you weren't on hrt yet.  I was asking whether it was an option for you to do it secretly.  But I see you have been on it for over a year, so they must be aware of your progress with hormones. Well, even if your parents aren't happy about your transition, it seems like there may be some hope.  I mean, you are living with them and have been on hormones for all this time.  Perhaps they are reluctantly accepting this, but at the same time trying not approving of it.  If so, I think time can heal some things in that area.  At the very least, I really hope so. 

And good on you for making those suggestions.  Seriously, their hr department is run horribly.  I'm sure you can find a new company that has more sensible policies.   

[Elsa]

Must of misread your post Alexia.  I thought you weren't on hrt yet.  I was asking whether it was an option for you to do it secretly.  But I see you have been on it for over a year, so they must be aware of your progress with hormones. Well, even if your parents aren't happy about your transition, it seems like there may be some hope.  I mean, you are living with them and have been on hormones for all this time.  Perhaps they are reluctantly accepting this, but at the same time trying not approving of it.  If so, I think time can heal some things in that area.  At the very least, I really hope so. 

And good on you for making those suggestions.  Seriously, their hr department is run horribly.  I'm sure you can find a new company that has more sensible policies.   

I was doing it secretly, they didnt know about it till my dad went snooping through my room last month and found it. They then started screaming at me when I had to ask them for it since I needed to take my daily dosage. They even went to someone to find out what meds they were for as well as who might prescribe them. My mom still asks me about it now and then, but since she told me not to go on HRT or transition 4-5 years ago when I came out to her, I am not sure if I want to explain it to her.

I guess they are reluctantly accepting this but trying to make things as difficult as they can or maybe they are just grieving for the "son" they thought I was. I dunno, I just wish or hope they might talk to me at the very least about what they might be going through so that at least I could better explain things or prepare them.

I really hope I get a job with a company and people who accept me. I am tired of lying to people that I am a guy and pretending to be one makes me sick.

[Ltl89]

I really hope things work out for you Alexia.  I'm sure you parents will come to accept it.  And companies seem to be more accepting of trans people these days.  I'm sure you'll find a position where you can be yourself.

[Elsa]

I really hope things work out for you Alexia.  I'm sure you parents will come to accept it.  And companies seem to be more accepting of trans people these days.  I'm sure you'll find a position where you can be yourself.

Thanks hon, I hope things work out.