I had a panic attack Wednesday

[randomroads]

Wednesday is the day I'm supposed to inject. I've done it three times already, but on the fourth time I absolutely freaked the hell out. I was shaking so bad the chair was rattling and I was crying from frustration and fear.

I hate injecting. I feel like a complete fake and fraud. I shouldn't have to inject every week for the rest of my life. I should just be normal. All of the insecurities and fears came welling up and the biggest one of all was the fear of the depression. I've battled depression for years but as soon as I came out to my friends I felt that the cloud lifted and I finally felt free. Wednesday I was reminded that I'm not really free, I'm just on vacation.

I feel terrible. I'm terrified of next Wednesday. I had my husband inject me in the butt two days ago and I felt better after he'd done it, but next Wednesday he won't be there. Then what?
I feel terrible because, while I'm actively looking for employment now, if I can't inject the only other option is the creams/gels that cost the same amount as our monthly health insurance premium. I feel unjustified for wanting to go that path even though it is (and always will be) the better option for me.

I know I'm not the only one to feel like this. I'm not really looking for anything, I just needed to vent and get my fears out there. I try to be fair to my husband but he told me 'There's absolutely no reason to freak out' and then wanted me to 'just get over it' so we could go to the park. That left me feeling completely alone. I don't care why he said it. I don't care if he meant it in a more positive way. It hurt to hear. It's not as if I just decided to panic and had fun doing it. If I could have stopped I would have.

[King Malachite]

Sorry to hear about your situation.  I'm not on T yet but I'm terrified to do the injections.  Can your doctor give you the shots or is there a clinic near by that can help?  Maybe a neighboor?

[Simon]

You have my respect (that's real talk).

I have yet to inject myself. I want to. I draw up my injection every week and end up handing it to my gf. I've had probably a thousand needles in my life but I have never watched one go in. I can turn my head and be poked all day. I just can't bring myself to watch that needle go in. Swear to God I'd end up on the floor with a needle sticking out of my leg if I tried.

I feel like it's a right of passage when someone takes T, to be able to inject themselves. It's actually a little embarrassing to admit. You're not alone with this phobia and I think you're brave to have done it three times already. That's three times more than me, lol.

[Arch]

To deal with the problem, you have to know what it is...well, duh. So I'm wondering whether this is needle phobia or dysphoria.

I don't have any needle dysphoria, but I do get the heebies for a couple of injections after I've hit a nerve. I've done that twice (the last time just two weeks ago), and I have to battle injection fears afterward. But on a normal day, no, no problem. If I did have an issue, I would be all over the 'nets, looking for some of that literature on how to combat the phobia. I wonder if we have a sticky for that here.

If your issue is dysphoria, it's a different matter. I figure that there are at least two ways to look at injecting. Some guys resent it because it reminds them every week that they aren't regular guys. It might help to think of yourself as a regular guy with low T. In fact, "low T" is fast becoming a common phrase on TV and in the culture.

Other guys, more like me, see the injection as a way to take control over their own destiny. I do have my resentments, but the good very much outweighs the bad. I'm taking control over my own life, FINALLY, instead of wallowing in fear and repression and depression. I'm thankful that I live in an era when it's so easy to get what I need.

I suspect that your issue is MUCH more complicated than can be fixed by "just think of yourself this way, and everything will be fine." Do you think this is needle phobia, gender dysphoria, or both? Neither?

P.S. To get through the current crisis, can you have your husband inject you a day early or late?

[Nyri]

Man, it's so much harder to inject yourself than to inject someone else or have someone else inject you.  Panic attacks are no joke.  I wish you the best of luck with your next injections.  It should get easier eventually.  Remember that we're not the only people who are going to need injections for the rest of our lives.  Like Arch said, cis men can have low T.  Then there are all sorts of other reasons (diabetes comes to mind) that people need to inject.  Also like he said, you can turn it around to be a control instead of a trap.  It is your key.

[Arch]

Man, it's so much harder to inject yourself than to inject someone else or have someone else inject you. 

Not for me! I don't think I could ever inject someone else unless it was a life-or-death situation.

[xander]

Why don't you look into getting on the injections that only need to be administered every 3 months?

[Cindy]

Apologies as usual for stepping into a guys thread.

BTW they are private to guys, but Mods can see them and we are under strict rules.

I take blood and inject people every day as part of my job and needle phobia is very common.  I could relate books about the people who pass out or cry when they see the needles.

It is a real phobia.

Phobia can be dealt with.

Try this.

Leave an syringe and needle on your dresser whatever, somewhere safe so you or anyone else cannot accidentally prick yourself. A clean one please just in case!

Just get use to looking at it. A place you use and pass. Just every day looking at it. Start seeing it as a normal part of life. It isn't anything, it doesn't hurt, it's a thing. You control it.  It doesn't matter, it is part of the background.

Slowly you will get use to it.

I use to be terrified of needles and injections; giving is different to receiving!!!

I now bleed myself when I need normal control blood, it is nothing, just a thing you do.  And really throws people  .

It will take time, and no I have no idea how long, but certainly weeks.

In the mean time is there a clinic of any sort with a nurse who can do the deed for you?

Any sort of clinic, from a child/mother place to a family Dr? They have nurses.


Hugs and I hope it works out.

I'm not up with T stuff, but are implants available? I get E implants every 6 months and that is convenient.

Sorry again for posting in the guys section

Cindy

[driven]

I don't have any advice for getting over needle phobia because I have the same problem. I'm not sure I would have transitioned if injections were the only option.

Just wanted to clarify that the cream is nowhere near as expensive as the gel. I always see them mentioned together as "creams/gels, " but there's a huge price difference between the two. Cream should only cost you $40-60 per month, depending on your dose.

Obviously, it's still more expensive than injections, but way more manageable than paying $300 or whatever the gel costs now. I personally would eat ramen for 2 weeks each month to save money before I'd even consider switching from the cream.

[aleon515]

Really really really you do not have to give it to yourself. I don't know I think it is a sort of macho guy myth. If I go to injections, which I am considering, I do not plan to ever give it to myself. Ever. (And if I went off the cream, I'd go for 6 months to year and then go back on cream.) There are lots guys in my support group who do not give themselves shots. Either someone gives to them or they are on cream.

This is not like diabetes or something, these are intramuscular. The guy at our trans center thinks a lot of guys are having stress reactions from having to do this, increasing cortisol levels and so on. I know of guys who haven't given themselves shots in months because of stress.

You can got to compounded cream. I think the jury is out on how fast that is. But everything gets you there eventually anyway. If you absorb it well there isn't an issue, I think. (I am paying $85 and a jar lasts two months.) You get this at a compounding pharmacy, not like Walgreens.

Cindy's ideas might be helpful.

@Cindy and Xander.  BTW, in the UK (and Australia) they have Nebido which is once every few months but it is not approved by the FDA in the US. Maybe most like implants so far.

@Arch. This would be a phobia. Dysphoria is more an incongruent feeling, like things not fitting with your expectations or feelings.)

--Jay

[Arch]

@Arch. This would be a phobia. Dysphoria is more an incongruent feeling, like things not fitting with your expectations or feelings.)

Not necessarily. The way he phrased it, the anti-injection reaction could be a part of his overall gender dysphoria:

I hate injecting. I feel like a complete fake and fraud. I shouldn't have to inject every week for the rest of my life. I should just be normal.

If he is having trouble because of that and not because of an actual needle phobia, then he has a different problem.

I have run into this with a couple of guys I know IRL--that is, they are reminded of their transness every time they inject, and they find that disturbing. But at least one of those guys did not have a problem with needles. He was trying to explain himself, somebody misunderstood and suggested various alternatives, and the cream/gel idea just about made him blow his top. You have to apply this stuff every day, and that meant a reminder of his transness every day. Maybe you had to be there to fully understand what he was going through, but gel or cream was was not an option, believe me.

[Taka]

i think panic attacks caused by dysphoria could be even harder to deal with than those caused by phobia. if it were so simple as being terrified of that needle, you'd at least have a good excuse for not doing it yourself. but if it's some more diffuse anxiety about your whole situation that makes the thought of injecting it yourself, then i can imagine how much worse it would be if you can't even use phobia as an excuse for feeling unable, useless, fake, and all those negative thoughts that come with dysphoria.

i hope you'll figure out how to handle your injections. being independent is a good thing, but i don't see anything wrong in showing a little bit of weakness and relying on others for help with difficult things. it's perfectly human to have some anxieties or phobias, and if you have a nurse you can ask, they probably already know this.

[aleon515]

Not necessarily. The way he phrased it, the anti-injection reaction could be a part of his overall gender dysphoria:  If he is having trouble because of that and not because of an actual needle phobia, then he has a different problem.

Good point Arch. Thinking of yourself as being low T might help??

--Jay

[randomroads]

The support here is a big relief. Thank you all.

A lot of what everyone has said makes sense to me. I think the main problem is doing the poking myself. As I was sitting here trying to think of how to reply I wanted to talk about how it made me feel to have to force myself to watch it go in and I felt sick to my stomach. I never feel that way when giving animals shots or drawing their blood. I can't watch someone else poke me, but once its in I can look and feel okay.

I'm also dysphoric about having to be on T. I feel so disappointed when the day comes even though after it's over with I feel a rush of satisfaction. I feel that I could apply cream or gel and not be bothered. I already apply skin care stuff almost daily so adding one more doesn't seem like it'd be a big deal. At the very least the topical stuff isn't going to freak me the hell out.

I'm going to call around and see if I can find a nurse to do it for me when my husband isn't around. I'm also waiting on a reply from my doctor about this problem and see what he recommends. If I can get the cream for under $100 a month I'd totally be fine with that. It's a lot cheaper than anti anxiety and depression meds!

[driven]

Yeah, you can easily get it for under $100/month unless you're on a super-high dose. I get a 3-month supply from stroheckersrx.com for $125. They don't take faxes from patients, so you'll have to ask your doctor to send the prescription in for you.

[GnomeKid]

=[  Thats the worst. 

I've always thought of it as being kind of hardcore.  Taking my fate in my hands kind of nonsense.  Maybe if you think of it like that instead of as a burden it will help?