confusion about feelings - help required

[nudeox]

Hi there
I am married and recently became a proud Father but for many years (probably about 4)I  have been experiencing thoughts about my inner feminine side. She doesn't have a name yet which i find quite strange that i have not been able to identify or get comfortable enough with her to name her. maybe it will come in good time.

anyway i have been suppressing my thoughts and feelings on and off for years but just recently she has come back into my thoughts again and so i have decided to spend time to try and figure out what is going on rather than ignore it any longer.

SO, where shall I start?? .... Firstly I have never spoken about this to anyone before.

I have dabbled on and off with crossdressing, initially it was just underwear and stockings but then i moved into full sets of clothing and I love it. Once or twice i have plucked up the courage to dress up and go out in public (to a quiet place with very few people) however, because I have to hide this sort of thing from my wife is a real problem. I don't like having this secret or having to deceive her but there really is no option, i could never tell her what i do for fear that it will hurt our relationship and destroy my family.
So every now and then I get frustrated and freaked out by it all and decide to throw all my clothes into the charity bins and say to myself that it wont happen again.
But of course this secret of mine just keeps coming back into my life.
I really enjoy the thrill and excitement that hits me when i go out shopping and trying on female clothing in public. Its addictive!!
part of the adrenaline is caused by the fact that i could possibly bump into someone that i know and part of it is exciting because i am just doing what I enjoy.
I have always since the day i can remember enjoyed shaving my pubic and under arm hair but i never really considered it to be feminine.
I shave my legs )on and off - usually in the winter months when my legs are mostly covered by long pants.
I have never been able to feel totally comfortable about being myself as a guy. I don't think like most men - its hard to describe.
My body doesn't seem to have grown or developed like most fully grown men. I am not overly hairy (even if i don't shave) and I have quite a small frame.  I guess the thing I'm trying to say is I don't feel like a man and I don't have any desire to feel like one.
My relationship and family situation is holding me back from fully expressing myself and that is frustrating in itself, I don't think i could ever come out though. Or could i??

In the past i have had plenty of time to myself to explore and experiment but these days time by myself is very limited. This has caused me to get really frustrated as i miss her and the feeling of freedom a great deal. I work away every so often and at this point in time I am really looking forward to getting some space from my family life and letting her come out again.


do you think i have a gender issue? or do you think its something else at play here?
Id really appreciate if you could help me out here and shed some light on this confusing situation of mine.

many thanks
nudeox
 

[Ltl89]

Because you have a family and aren't fully clear about what you want, I would heavily recommend you speak to a therapist knowledgeable in gender issues.  There is nothing wrong about what you feel, but you want to make sure you are doing what's best for your individual situation.  Wishing you the best.

[spacial]

The question is for you to answer. Perhaps with the help of a professional, especially if you are in the US.

But, remember. It does not mean:

You must cross dress.

You need a new feminine name.

You need drug therapy.

You need to change your pronoun, (Him/Her).

You need to act differently or be different.

It's about how you express yourself and whatever the extent you choose to go is what is in your budget, what fits in with your social family life, what makes you happy.

Have you approached your wife and suggested you would like to express a more feminine you?

[JulieC.]

Wow that sounds a lot like my life story.  Everyone is different and I don't mean to tell you what you should do.  I will just tell you my experience. 

First lots of us have gone through the purge and buy, and purge and buy when it comes to dressing.  It never goes away and eventually I decided I wasn't going to throw my things away again.  Like you I started off with just a few things and before I knew it I had a whole second wardrobe to keep hidden.  I also found it got harder and harder to take the clothes off and go back to being a man.  I hated to take them off.  It became less and less about the excitement of dressing up and more and more about the comfort of being myself.  Oh and harder and harder to cover my tracks all the time. 

Having a child complicates things for you a little more than it did with me.  We never had children.  But it became clear to me I had to tell my wife.  Sooner or later she was going to catch me.  I wasn't planning to transition at the time, I just didn't want to hide it anymore.  Like you I was afraid it would mean the end of us.  I can tell you, as many others will, it was not easy.  Turns out it was not the end.  We're still together and my wife is not really supportive but she loves me and wants me to be happy (she would rather have things as they were).  So for now things are good.

As I said I won't tell you what you should do.  If you want to keep your secret it's up to you.  I kept mine for over 20 years.  Seeing a therapist can really help to work things out and that I would recommend.

[fatty]

Go to a conservative therapist and also go to a transgender sympathetic therapist.

Some would think acting irresponsibly and getting your genes out there are not, in good conscience, reversable on the time scale.

[nudeox]

Thanks all for your replies.
I don't feel I'm ready to start talking to anyone at this stage. I'm just going to ride it out for a while and see how I feel in say 6 months time.

[Ltl89]

Just so you know, there isn't any harm in talking to someone.  It's not like you have to take any action because you are seeing someone.  It can be scary at first, but it is also rewarding.

[Ciara]

My relationship and family situation is holding me back from fully expressing myself and that is frustrating in itself, I don't think i could ever come out though. Or could i??

Hi there,
If your relationship with your family is important to you then you should seek help before making decisions that you may later regret. Family is the most important thing in my life and I would prefer not to express myself fully as a woman than risk losing or damaging my family.
If you are not sure yet then you are right to ride it out for a while and see how you feel in 6 months. I hope everything works out for you.
If you need support or just feel like talking about things then you will find Susan's is a good place to come to.
Love,
Ciara