I'm a mess and need help! (Parts 1 and 2 merged)

[Diamonds_mom]

I'm a mess and need help.  My so is slowly turning into a woman and I was all right with is for a while but recently my health has been falling apart.  It doesn't help my father has recently passed away.  I cry all the time, my hands shake and I grind my teeth.  I was all right at first with my so but lately it has started to affect me.  I spent a week in my local mental ward when I needed to change medicines.  I was already diognosed with depression and anxiety.  I have told my so I can't leave her as she would be alone and I couldn't do that to her.  I really need some advice.  Help, I don't know what to do!

[Diamonds_mom]

I don't want to blame my so for my poor health but she is somewhat responsible.  I don't know if I can come to some kind of understanding of her being transgender.  I don't mean to upset or offend anyone.  Please help me with some advice.

[Sarah Louise]

My first suggestion would be to stop blaming someone else for your health (even yourself).  Your physical and mental health are what they are.  Your going to have to accept that and try to move forward.

Its not your fault your partner is transgendered, it isn't their fault either.  This is difficult for "both" of you.

Open communication is the only hope for your relationship, from both sides.

[spacial]

Do you fear that your so's transition might make your relationship difficult?

Can you describe why?

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

First and foremost, you need to take care of you.  Stress can trigger health issues.  Your health should be your first concern.

After you have your health concern under control, you can deal with your SO and her issues.

Don't stay if your health is sacrificed.

[Crackpot]

First of all *hug hug hug*. It's one thing to have such big stressors in your life, but another to deal with them while you're feeling ill. It's terrible that you have to deal all at once. I wanted to reiterate what Ms. OBrien said. Stress does a number on your body and you're health is the most important thing. Losing a parent on it's own is enough to knock you down for a while. Take care of yourself first, then move on from there. If you don't have your health you won't have the physical or mental strength to go through this with your partner if that's what you choose to do.

[Jamie D]

You have a lot of stress.  You need to find ways to decompress.

Sounds like you have medications, but maybe meditation will help.

[Alainaluvsu]

You may just need to break off the romantic relationship. Stay friends, help her.. but being attached to somebody who isn't who you knew when  you started dating isn't your responsibility. If she doesn't understand that, then she isn't meeting you half way either.

[blueconstancy]

*hugs*

Stress IS a major contributing factor to ill health, and to mental health decompensation as well, so while it's not her "fault"... this situation is almost certainly genuinely making your mental and physical health deteriorate. For that alone, you have so much sympathy from me. It sounds as if you're trying to cope, but you have simply too much to handle right now. I know this is a trite suggestion, but try one day or one hour at a time for a bit; you don't have to come to terms with her transition instantly, and it is absolutely NOT fair for her to expect you to adapt at her pace rather than yours. I'm not sure what it is you'd like to talk about, but I've been where you are and I'm willing to try. My wife transitioned in 2009, and the first few months were frequently pure hell, including plunging me into a suicidal depression. We are happier than before and still together now - but it wasn't easy and it was a lot of hard work. Is there anything you'd like to ask? I'll answer pretty much any question if it'll help.

(Also, from your other post "I have told my so I can't leave her as she would be alone and I couldn't do that to her.  I really need some advice." My advice is : don't hesitate to put your own needs and survival first. You cannot help her if you're drowning, after all. Taking care of yourself is, in a roundabout way, also the best way to care for her.)

[JoanneB]

The spouse, IMHO, has the hardest time dealing with a TG SO. One spent a lifetime trying to come to terms with it, the other das, to months. Overwhelmed I think is an understatement. Even for a knowledgeable and supportive spouse.

My wife and I have shed gallons of tears and I know dealing with me has also stressed her physically. She has known for 30 years about me being a TG. It didn't make it an easier for her. What we have learned is plent of open honest communication helps, even more important is avoiding the TMI factor. It is a difficult balancing act at times. Still is after 3+ ears of juggling.  I cannot imagine how much more difficult it all can be if I was on the road to transitioning to full-time