No one saw this coming with me. How many of you have had this reaction?

[Christine167]

I have been so good at playing he part of a man that my wife and her sister have both said that they did not see this coming.

In part I attribute this to convincing myself that I was a boy all my life. All that pressure to like boy things and dislike girl things just... The best lie you can ever tell is the one you believe yourself. I didn't know anything about real transsexualism until very recently and I have avoided it as best I could. My therapist even agrees that I do not look typical of her patients but there have been some over the years.

I'm posting this because it seems like a big point in an argument with my wife. She has started the "disprove that you are transsexual" as part of her argument.

So are there any more like me who played that role a little too well?

[Keira]

I'm 19, and I basically didn't start feeling female until I was 16. As young as that might sound, most people know when they are 3-10 years old. I basically didn't comprehend gender, nor did I feel particularly masculine or feminine.

I didn't know I like guys until I was 15 or 16 as well, and that doesn't make my sexual preferences any less valid or real.

I think it's about time that the medical system stopped treating us as "objects to analyze" or "people that don't know what they are talking about".

I know how I feel, I know what I like sexually, and I know what gender I am. All of these are based upon my own subjective experiences, other people cannot directly experience these things about me.

[Michelle S.]

I don't think anyone really expected I would be trans. I spent pretty much my entire childhood not playing "a part" as much as I was just a miserable and very unhappy child. First, I was terrified that if I were to tell my family, especially my dad, they would stop loving me. Insane to think now, my family was all about tolerance raising my brother and I. Second, I moved a lot and being the new kid taught me to do whatever it takes to fit in. Being a boy who felt like "he" wasn't isn't necessarily the best thing to share or explore while trying your hardest to make friends. In turn, like most miserable children seeking attention I acted out a lot... I was a little skateboard punk who used to get in trouble left and right. It allowed me to not "be me" and I thought it made me the cool kid. Fortunately I never was arrested by I did do a ton of stupid stuff. At one point I ended up in so much trouble, the school district put me in a boot camp (Texas is a pretty strict place).

So I think when I came out to some people it was definitely shocking. In fact, I was so worried people would be in such disbelief that they'd think I was crazy so I would constantly rehearse my explanation should I ever be questioned. Other than my mom initially stating this was not for me while being "supportive," everyone has accepted me without question.

I think you'd be surprised though. As I understand from a couple offhanded conversations with my therapist, a lot of transwomen go through different phases or attempt to hide who they are through masculinization periods. In fact, I've been told that the US military experiences a 300% higher transgender rate than the general public.

[Anna++]

I caught my friends and family off guard, too.  I started having transgendery thoughts when I was around 13 years old (I'm 24 now), but I told myself right from the beginning that nobody could ever find out.

A college friend once told me a story about how he had anger issues and how he does his best to keep it in check.  He was surprised when I said I didn't have similar anger issue problems.  When I came out to him he brought up that conversation and told me that he could tell I was holding something back from everybody.

[Antonia J]

My wife of 12 years was completely taken aback.  Totally did not see it. It has taken the last few month for her to just get through the shock.

[Christine167]

I caught my friends and family off guard, too.  I started having transgendery thoughts when I was around 13 years old (I'm 24 now), but I told myself right from the beginning that nobody could ever find out.

In bold this so much. It was so wrong to be gay or lesbian in my family or even act girly in jest around my friends growing up unless you were the class clown. So I hid it. I made sure to learn every lesson of ridicule from others who would say things like calling me a girly version of my name or making kissy faces at me in jest. Or calling me gay. Oh it was bad and I learned everything I could as fast as I could. And eventually I stopped trying new things that I thought were cool unless I knew it was something that boys could like. 

[Christine167]

My wife of 12 years was completely taken aback.  Totally did not see it. It has taken the last few month for her to just get through the shock.

I've been married for 6 years now to a wonderful woman and she has been totally blindsided by this.

Did you feel guilty? Do you still feel guilty? Because I do. She's my best friend and its hard to separate my feelings in the matter.

[Anna++]

And eventually I stopped trying new things that I thought were cool unless I knew it was something that boys could like. 

I caught myself doing this, and sometimes it wasn't even gender related!  I was driving and wanted to make some maneuver (I don't remember what).  I was fairly certain that whatever it was wasn't illegal but I couldn't get myself to try it for a couple of months because I had to see somebody else do it first before I knew it was allowed.

[Antonia J]

I've been married for 6 years now to a wonderful woman and she has been totally blindsided by this.

Did you feel guilty? Do you still feel guilty? Because I do. She's my best friend and its hard to separate my feelings in the matter.

If you have not yet read "She's Not There" by Jenny Boylan, you may want to check it out. It is a really good book, in my opinion, about being transgendered and coming out to your spouse. My experience was similar, and is similar, to hers in the sense that I thought I had beat the issue for the first few years of our marriage. I then had slip ups for the next few years where I had a hidden stash of clothes. A few years ago I spent over a year apart from her while I was in the middle east, and came home with full dysphoria. Without divulging a lot of private details, I was not a good spouse. 

My friends and family, and my wife all saw a successful businessman, ambitious and socially outgoing guy with everything perfect. Inside I was dying.  What I feel guilty about is that I have known I could not beat this for the last few years and tried everything to keep it from her.  My dishonesty, and lack of forthcoming about the issues are what I feel guilty about. She is a beautiful person and does not have a mischievous or dishonest bone in her body. She is my best friend and believed I had the same commitment to honesty as her.

I started going to a counselor last year, and spent many months working through the gender issues. My wife thought it was for stress and anxiety.  I came out in March, and it was devastating to her. If you PM me your email, I will share my coming out letter I wrote the day after for my friends and family. My wife left me for a period of time. She says she supports my need to transition, and has stated emphatically she would not want me back in the closet.  However, she has also made very clear she is not a lesbian, is in no way attracted to women, and believes after a certain point our marriage will cease. She is not being threatening or mean, but rather matter of fact.  To support the expenses associated with transitioning, she has even offered to help divide up assets now and account for the split. Very very sad, but honestly - compared with some stories others have written, this is actually pretty amicable.

I hold out hope that we will somehow find a way through this.  She is the shining star in my sky, and I cannot imagine my world without her. However, I cannot imagine living the rest of my life trapped in a body that feels so foreign to me, either. It's truly a win-lose, at least on the surface. Either I transition and the marriage ends, or I don't and the marriage survives but my life ends.  I am transitioning very slowly to give her time to acclimate. We also intentionally have "down days" where I don't present as female or discuss trans issues -- not to suggest I am not transitioning, but to give her a break and allow her to mentally build herself back up. We both know what those days are, and have agreed to them mutually.

Let me know if you have more questions. I am happy to answer them.  The whole thing sucks, but try to be patient.  The transition for the spouse is horrible, as they have emotions of anger, loss, grief, and personal doubt.  Don't expect her to be understanding or supportive for a long time. The best you can do is to help find resources, try as best as you can to not be argumentative, and let time do its trick for healing. If you don't have a therapist already, I would strongly encourage you to seek one out - especially one familiar with gender identity issues.

Good luck!

Toni

[Naomi]

I'm pretty sure that had I been more aware of gender, and hadn't picked up early on that I was doing things wrong I would've realized that I was female as a child. However I quickly learned that I shouldn't play with barbies and wearing women's clothes was wrong. Well I ended up in boy scouts, and then in middle school at a catholic military school. During my teen years I started having thoughts but I just told myself I was crazy and went on with my life. Well I reached eagle scout, and cadet captain (even commanded a company of cadets, roughly 60 other students), went to college and helped to found a fraternity chapter. Basically I was so deep stealth denial that it almost took me completely by surprise when it reached the point that I could no longer ignore my feelings. Pretty much both my closest friend and my parents all said that they didn't see it coming and my parents still don't really believe it I think.

[CalmRage]

I don't have much of anything girly about me, although now I wish I did.  I did everything I could along the way to acquire the look of a man's man, a rough tough hombre.  I have lots of scars on my face, arms and hands, not self inflicted exactly, but just due to being "manly" about some things.  Sheesh, am I gonna pay for them now.  The only person I've come out to in my family is my older brother.  He claimed to be completely surprised.

My best friend claimed to be completely surprised. I was like...really? Never noticed any odd behavior then? He then told me he was probably too young.

[justpat]

       My daughter said    no way   I said    yes way  all my life its been a difficult thing to hide then I mentioned she called me the cat lady  Ha Ha . That broke the ice.I have come out to several of my friends all positive I had picked them carefully for they were more opened mined.
       When I told my neighbor (small town born and raised) who is about my age she said I thought your breasts have been growing but still has a hard time wrapping her mind around the issue. She did perk up when I went over with blue high heels with blue toenails  OMG!  At least they matched
and I thought looked pretty darn good.

[cannedrabbit]

After my mom met my wife for the first time she asked me, "are you sure he's not gay?" 

[smile_jma]

My parents had no idea. My mom told me they were on the lookout for gay signs. I don't possess any of those either. I don't talk any different than a straight male, dressed the same..I liked cars, which is in a way kind of manly, but plenty of women like cars too, though I think in her generation, its uncommon.

I think my friends had no idea either, though 1 of them was suspecting SOMETHING was off about me because of the topics I chose to talk about rarely.


Sometimes I think we should be making the bug bucks and not an actor in Hollywood. We've acted (for some of us) much longer than the "real" actors on tv/in movies. So much better at acting, too. Though we don't know some nuances that make actors perform well on tv/movies, I think we're still better than them in many ways

[Shodan]

I don't think that this is as uncommon as you think. I know for me, the first step was to admit to myself that I was trans, and that took me by surprise as much as anybody. You can wrap yourself up in denial for only so long before it reaches a breaking point, and your brain tells you to either put up or shut up. I'd been married for 14 years before I reached that point and it came as a huge surprise when I finally came out to my wife. Though she says that when she sat down and really thought about it, it made sense and explained a lot of things.

[cannedrabbit]

Though she says that when she sat down and really thought about it, it made sense and explained a lot of things.

That's how I felt too, when my wife finally came out as trans. It made a lot of sense and explained so much about her.

[Eva Marie]

I realized that I am transgender at 46 (i'm 50 now) although there were plenty of things in my life that indicated that all along.

Apparently i played the man role well. My wife was SHOCKED when i told her.

I've found that the the man/husband/dad/son role i've played for so long is actually very difficult to break out of. My therapist thinks that I am in denial and it's only a matter of time until I do break out of that role and become the real me.

[big kim]

I convinced some people,some saw right through me.

[MaidofOrleans]

This is pretty common. I think when most people think of a closeted trans woman, they picture a super flamboyant gay man prancing around in short shorts and a tight shirt.

Most of them don't realize that many of us are/were so ashamed of our feelings before coming out that we tried our hardest to be a normal guy.

Most "behind my back" reactions and gossip I hear about is people saying how the "couldn't believe it" or "Never saw it coming" or just the classic "I don't understand"

[Mariax]

When I started talking to people there was mostly a bunch of "So THAT'S why" and "We knew." Stuff I thought I had hidden or covered well, I really hadn't!

Still didn't lessen the pain for any of us.