Detransitioned. Feeling depressed. Apologies if I'm posting in the wrong spot

[NotThereYet]

Does anybody know a cure for this? I am a man and it is pretty crappy.

[suzifrommd]

Does anybody know a cure for this? I am a man and it is pretty crappy.

What made you detransition? Can you "retransition"?

[Tristan]

Why are you sad?

[Anna++]

What made you detransition? Can you "retransition"?

I'm also curious what made you decide to detransition.  If de-transitioning made you sad, then maybe you should consider another attempt at transitioning?  Maybe you could talk to a therapist to help work through the issues that caused this?

Good luck! *hugs*

[Tristan]

If your feeling really bad you can admit yourself and the could do therapy. Idk maybe biofeedback or some other form of therapy

[JoanneB]

I know the feeling all too well. I have almostly effectively stopped/de-transitioned after 3-4 years of growing, learning about myself, and living part-time. A new job and a relocation brought it on.

I got to realize just how much I don't really want to be a guy. I don't hate being one. It is more of a general lifestyle thing. I felt so much more alive and in touch with my true self before. Now I feel all the wonderfull personal growth I achieved these past 3 years is guickly slipping away as I am back in that old environment.

How do I cope?  With transition to full-time just dream, and many years away from happening if at all? With even part-time out of the question thanks to pin-headed people surrounding me? I try to see this new job and relocation back into civilization as part of the journey of discovery. I now have access to all sorts of gender therapist, support groups, and other resources. Far different than having a 90 mile drive to a 'Local' support group. Therpist being 3 hours away and out of the question.

I need to do male mode for now. It does not have to be a permanent situation. In fact I know it cannot be. I rediscovered joy, happiness, even passion while learning that I really can be seen and accepted as a woman. I also know I am that smae person in either mode. While the intensity of these wonderful feelings may differ, I have no reason to deny myself them, as I was. I know I can be somewhat of a whole person, not two seperate beings occupying the same body. I need to be one whole person to be truely strong, happy, and healthy

[NotThereYet]

What made me detransitin after only 7 months of HRT? My family. My wife was going to be permamently upset at me and I wuld have probably seen my kids only once every two weeks... That is not enough for me, therefore I decided to detransition and make my wife happy.

She hated every single minute of my transition and she told me so very convincingly. It was not uncommon for her to say in front of my two little children that their dad likes to take it up his a** and suck di*** and wants to be a woman and dress like a woman... Which is obviously not where it's at given that I just am, I don't want to be and I want to dress like myself. She also told me how much she hated the way I moved, talked, etc. how disgusting and ridiculous my teeny tiny shrinking penis was, how disgusting my breasts were and so were my hips, my puffy butt, and my soft, hairless, feminine skin. She said touching me made her want to throw up....

Anyway, I am a man, now, la tee daa.

Peace

[Theo]

What made me detransitin after only 7 months of HRT? My family. My wife was going to be permamently upset at me and I wuld have probably seen my kids only once every two weeks... That is not enough for me, therefore I decided to detransition and make my wife happy.

She hated every single minute of my transition and she told me so very convincingly. It was not uncommon for her to say in front of my two little children that their dad likes to take it up his a** and suck di*** and wants to be a woman and dress like a woman... Which is obviously not where it's at given that I just am, I don't want to be and I want to dress like myself. She also told me how much she hated the way I moved, talked, etc. how disgusting and ridiculous my teeny tiny shrinking penis was, how disgusting my breasts were and so were my hips, my puffy butt, and my soft, hairless, feminine skin. She said touching me made her want to throw up....

Anyway, I am a man, now, la tee daa.

Peace

While I cannot but feel for your situation, and hate to be a potential doomsayer, but reading the above really does not make me overtly optimistic that your detransitioning will truly change the state of your relationship. One of the worst signs of a relationship that is on the verge of collapse is a breakdown of mutual respect, putting down the other person and flagging their opinions as invalid. Given what you have said, and as painful as it is, I would consider searching for a sympathetic lawyer that can ensure that you see your kids often enough, and file the papers.

[JoanneB]

While I cannot but feel for your situation, and hate to be a potential doomsayer, but reading the above really does not make me overtly optimistic that your detransitioning will truly change the state of your relationship. One of the worst signs of a relationship that is on the verge of collapse is a breakdown of mutual respect, putting down the other person and flagging their opinions as invalid. Given what you have said, and as painful as it is, I would consider searching for a sympathetic lawyer that can ensure that you see your kids often enough, and file the papers.

I have to agree. Initial hostility is understanable. Months of open war is not a good indicator that she can possible forgive and forget.

As my wife has said to me many times in response to me saying WTF? What's the use? etc. etc.I should just stop all this nonsense.... She says "The cat is out of the bag and you will never be able to put it back in." As much as this applies to me just giving up and going back to some level of coping with faking being a guy, the same can be said about how a spouse will forever percieve you.

We both cried a few gallons of tears these past 3 years during my struggle of finally taking on this beast. Finding that balance between sufficient open honest communication and TMI is still difficult. She had known of me being a T? from nearly day one, and has been understanding and supportive, to a point throughout the 30 years we've been together. Her perception of me changed greatly when I saw that I had finally see where that 'S' fork in the road I had avoided for all those years really does go.

All this also gave her some ammo to really say something that can hurt. During difficult emotional times things get said in the heat of them that need to be forgiven and forgotten to keep hate and resentment from taking root and destroying a loving relationship. I know deep down through every cell in my body that she wants me to be happy even if that will totally change things about our relationship that will not be in her best self interest.

From what you have said I cannot see how your marriage can survive, much less return to loving mutually supportive relationship. She hated what you were doing, constantly lashed out, went out her way to poison the kids against you and many countless things to hurt you. I don't see your stopping transitioning is really going to stop any of her underlaying feelings about you that manifested in those ways any more than your feeling feeling trapped and hating having to continue faking being a guy has stopped

[Jen-from-IL]

What made me detransitin after only 7 months of HRT? My family. My wife was going to be permamently upset at me and I wuld have probably seen my kids only once every two weeks... That is not enough for me, therefore I decided to detransition and make my wife happy.

She hated every single minute of my transition and she told me so very convincingly. It was not uncommon for her to say in front of my two little children that their dad likes to take it up his a** and suck di*** and wants to be a woman and dress like a woman... Which is obviously not where it's at given that I just am, I don't want to be and I want to dress like myself. She also told me how much she hated the way I moved, talked, etc. how disgusting and ridiculous my teeny tiny shrinking penis was, how disgusting my breasts were and so were my hips, my puffy butt, and my soft, hairless, feminine skin. She said touching me made her want to throw up....

Anyway, I am a man, now, la tee daa.

Peace

I hate to say this but find a good divorce attorney and start the process. You transitioning has nothing to do with her hostility, in my opinion. Saying very negative things bout you in front of your children is the sign of someone who is very insecure or has some unresolved issues of her own. You need to protect yourself AND your children. I have had my own spousal issues and rooms the reps to end the relationship (nothing to so with being transgender as that did not come out until after my divorce). I wish the best for you and that you can move forward with your life.

[suzifrommd]

It was not uncommon for her to say in front of my two little children that their dad likes to take it up his a** and suck di*** and wants to be a woman and dress like a woman... Which is obviously not where it's at given that I just am, I don't want to be and I want to dress like myself. She also told me how much she hated the way I moved, talked, etc. how disgusting and ridiculous my teeny tiny shrinking penis was, how disgusting my breasts were and so were my hips, my puffy butt, and my soft, hairless, feminine skin. She said touching me made her want to throw up....

This is emotional abuse. No other word for it.

Knowing that, are you going to continue to let her control you?

[Tristan]

Take it from someone who use to belong to someone. Being under someone's control sucks, you can make yourself think its ok but you have to do your best to please them at there every turn, but it's never enough and you will still be punished. If this is a situation you can get out of I say get out

[NotThereYet]

Well, first things first: I would like to thank y'all for your replies. I really appreciate the interest that total strangers are showing towards me. Then again, if my wife were to read this, she would say that I am getting what I want, i.e. attention. Accorindg to her I have always been clingy, needy. Her nickname for me has always been "needy Sue" and this before I even started transitioning.

Well, she says I can do whatever I want except being feminine. She hates it that I am feminine. She hates it that I like men's attention... But why wouldn't I???  Is it so bad that I simply love it??? Men pay you so much attention, and can be soooo nice and chivalrous. I have enjoyed every single moment of being a woman. I told her how I like it when I am at a store and someone unmistakingly comes to me and says "Is there anything I can help you with, ma'm". I know it may sound silly , but I really like it! It is who I am. To which she says "Well, if it is who you are, then you will have to live with the fact I am always going to be  a bitch about it and we (meaning her and the kids) will leave you. You will still be able to see them but I cannot stand this side of you"

My family is very important to me. My children are extremely important to me. I don't want this to get ugly. I don't want to be the one who likes to suck men's d**ks. I just want to be myself.

Plus, she seems NOT to understand that being transsexual does not mean being all frilly, silly, and pathetic. I am a very normal person. She sees a report on TV about some navy seal who would go home at night after work and put on lingerie and a tight dress to watch TV and she says "I'll bet you have done that too!!!" No, I have not. I don't even own a single oiece of lingerie... I don't even own a single tight dress! Why would I wear lingerie and a tight dress to watch TV at night? Maybe to go on a very special date, maybe...

Anyway, I am ok at times, and I wnt to mutilate or kill myself at others.

Sincerely,
Andrea

[Adam (birkin)]

As others have said, andrea, the way she is treating you is absolutely unacceptable. It is one thing to struggle with accepting that you are trans and coming to terms with your transition - it is another to be outright abusive, hostile, etc. It really sounds so dehumanizing, and my heart breaks for you. No one deserves to be treated that way, to be treated like they are disgusting, especially for just trying to be themselves. And especially from a life partner who is supposed to be the main source of support and safety.

[Lorri Kat]

With your wife spewing that kind of venomous emotional abuse towards you in front of the kids (she has NO respect for you or them in doing this) I would worry if she confers this  level of emotional abuse on them when your not around, which may not be about you.   If this continues therapy will be coming down the line for someone if not all involved.  Also, CPS could be knocking on the door if your kids relay some of this emotionaly abusive behavior to an athoritative figure they come in contact with(warrantable action in NYS).   You have grounds...  talk to a lawyer.  Abusers never stop for long and as Tristan said nothing you do will be good enough.

You know your situation better, I'm just going by your post.  It seems there is a lot more thinking that needs to be done in reguards to your actions in both the short and long term.

[AdamMLP]

Things aren't going to get better with your wife, she clearly doesn't respect you, or your children (you don't say how old they are, or if you have I've missed it, but any good parent should realise that their children need to develop their own opinions and not alienate them against one of their parents).  She's not going to suddenly start respecting you again, with or without transition, so you need to respect yourself and get out of there.  We don't know all of your situation, but it wouldn't surprise me if things weren't 100% okay before, whether you liked to realise it or not.  Your being trans could simply be an "excuse" to get out of it, or she could just be transphobic.  Either way I can't see things improving, and you're miserable.

You've got two choices to make, fight for your children and divorce, giving you the chance of being yourself and finding happiness that way, or staying in this relationship, pretending to be someone you're not, and listening to emotional abuse from your wife.

[NotThereYet]

Well, I would really like to thank everyone who has been kind enough to post thoughts and/or suggestions.

My kids are 5 and almost 7, and, especially being boys, they are attached to their mommy a lot. My wife loves them a lot but seems to me as if she is buying their affection: a new toy almost every day, no schedules, no bed times, no bath times, teeth are brushed when the kids feel like it, they make the rules, and she goes along with them. She is always the good guy, I am always the bad guy.

I don't know why she is so mean to me, but I think she is really homophobic/transphobic.

I hate the idea of seeing my family breakup. My kids love it when we do stuff all together. They truly do. I love them so much, I cannot even explain it.

She is so weird: she does not even come near me, neither physically nor emotionally in many years, but then she tells me that my physical appearance disgusts her and she no longer finds me attractive, as if she did before. She has not wanted any intimacy in years and now she says she hates my breasts, which she says are ugly, and she complains about my, and I quote, "shrivelled up, ridiculously small" male parts... She contradicts herself every other minute....

She keeps saying that I am very ugly and I look like an ugly man who is trying to look like a woman... I mention all the guys who seem to find me attractive and flirt with me, and she tells me that they are all gay, which I know it is not true, especially bc I do not find gay guys attractive at all and I would not flirt with them...

[Jamie D]

Andrea, if your relationship with your wife and kids is that important, then you are going to have to "grin and bear it."

Frankly, as distant as your wife has become, I don't see what you can do to save the relationship.  If I were you, I would focus my energy on the kids.

That means, in the meantime, you are being manipulated into not becoming the real you.  Your decision, though.  I wish you the best.

[JoanneL]

Hell hath no fury like a woman when scorned (with respects to W Shakespeare)

[Jen-from-IL]

Emotional abuse - worse thuan physical a use as the scars don't heal as quickly. There is a lot of negative energy coming from your wife. There is no respect on your house, for you or for your children (as ou said, she is letting THEM make the rules). Your children will start to notice, if they haven't already, the interactions between you and your wife. I had an emotionally abusive wife as well (untreated mental illness), so I now how it feels to have negative comments thrown at you. There was also a young child in the house. I made the decision that this had to end and took the necessary steps. I am not saying end it but there needs to be at a minimum, discussions with a family therapist to discuss what is going on in your marriage. Honestly, you being transgender has nothing to do with it. There is something rooted deep that has never been addressed.

Just my thoughts. I do wish you the best though.