Father's Day, bah humbug

[Beth Andrea]

I guess I started something I shouldn't have.

Father's Day in and of itself is "Fine".  And most "fathers" appreciate it and enjoy having their own day.

Problem is, its me who doesn't want to celebrate fathers day, I know biologically I am a father.  But mentally I am a woman (I know I am not their natural mother) and I would not want to take away from Mother's day and the rights of mothers to be honored by their children.

As I said, my family accepts me, but the only Cards that are out their are for Fathers and all the advertisements are for targeted gifts.

It just doesn't enter my kids minds to buy me flowers or jewelry which is what I would like.

Actually I like this thread, and what it represents--that we, and society, haven't quite figured out how to integrate us into their binary-gendered world.

There is a place for us at the dinner table, so to speak...I love the idea of handmade cards, but generally only young ones do that (although I did for the ex early in our marriage) It's something that we *all* need to discuss, not just online but also with loved ones.

Thank you for the thread, Sarah.

[bethany]

Sarah, This thread has been very therapeutic at least for me. We all have our different views on what Father's day means to us, and how we feel about it. Thank you for starting it.

From Beth Andrea

*hugs*

Thank you I need hugs much more than tissues.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Bethany,

I can so relate to the relationship between you and your daughter.  I have a similar situation with my two youngest sons.  My ex disappear with them when they were very young and then lied to them about me.  I am now trying to rebuild that relationship, without much success.

But we do have FB.

[bethany]

Bethany,

I can so relate to the relationship between you and your daughter.  I have a similar situation with my two youngest sons.  My ex disappear with them when they were very young and then lied to them about me.  I am now trying to rebuild that relationship, without much success.

But we do have FB.

I wish you well in rebuilding the relationships.
I'm sure that my daughter's mom did the same thing with telling her false truths about me.

*Hugs*

[Carrie Liz]

As much as I love my dad, if you ask me, the practice of Father's Day is just a continuous reminder in commercial form of all of the obnoxious male stereotypes that I hated in the first place. There's only so many commercials for grills, power tools, and techno gadgets that I can stand.

(And for anyone else who wants to have a nice laugh at the expense of gender stereotypes in commercials... http://tinyurl.com/mmnelp )

[Beth Andrea]

As much as I love my dad, if you ask me, the practice of Father's Day is just a continuous reminder in commercial form of all of the obnoxious male stereotypes that I hated in the first place. There's only so many commercials for grills, power tools, and techno gadgets that I can stand.

(And for anyone else who wants to have a nice laugh at the expense of gender stereotypes in commercials... http://tinyurl.com/mmnelp )

While I agree with you re: obnoxious male stereotypes, there was a time (in the media as well as in real life) where men were seen as wise, strong, and desirable while women were seen as (or believed to be) ditzy (male form: doofus). The media has a HUGE role in how people see themselves and their place--and others--in the world.

Now having said that...many of the men I interacted with were not so much a doofus as just plain mean and not very communicative. They actually expected me to fill in the words for their actual grunts they would vocalize during heated discussions or berating.

I really don't understand the opposite gender at all. Although I tried to be a "good" man/husband/father...obviously it didn't work.

[Banshee]

I don't know how I'm going to deal with Father's Day post-transition. I guess it's like someone else on this thread already said-- I will always be the person who fathered my daughter, regardless of what came later. I guess the best outcome would be a father's day card that said "I love you Mom!"

[Just Shelly]

My children never wished me a happy Mother's day and I was ok with that....I never have tried to be their mother...I just appear to be for most people.

I figured they would at least call me and tell me happy Fathers day....my youngest did!! but my other two didn't.....I guess I'm not either parent to them anymore     I have told them I will always be their father...that will never change. Its just the fact I don't appear as one anymore. Oh well......

[Dahlia]

Why not erase FD and establish a TS parent day?

That would be the least painful thing for all involved and besides that the full truth.

BTW: you wouldn't have been too happy if your children forgot about FD prior to transition eh?

[Devlyn]

Why not erase FD and establish a TS parent day?

That would be the least painful thing for all involved and besides that the full truth.

BTW: you wouldn't have been too happy if your children forgot about FD prior to transition eh?

I did, yesterday in fact: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,142680.0.html

[suzifrommd]

Why not erase FD and establish a TS parent day?

First Sunday in November!

http://www.transparentday.org/

[Devlyn]

First Sunday in November!

http://www.transparentday.org/

I'm a day late and a dime short again!

[suzifrommd]

For me, father's day was a big disappointment. Nothing from either of my teenage kids (unless you count a handwritten letter by my daughter, unhappy that I picked this time of year to go full time).

I feel like I give a lot (by financially supporting everyone, if nothing else). I don't expect to be taken out to dinner like my wife did on MD, but some token of appreciation would have helped in a difficult time.

[cannedrabbit]

Dear Parent of the Heart and Soul:

"Love is the only freedom in the world because it so elevates the spirit that the laws of humanity and the phenomena of nature do not alter its course." Kahlil Gibran

You personify a love that overcomes all obstacles, biases, and inequities.

We enter the season that honors the two aspects of your parenting and the love that you bestow to the world. That love becomes realized when you give yourself to your children.

You are mothering, in the traditionally understood sense, when you nourish, nurture, and shower affection. You sow the seeds of confidence, vision, and creativity.

You are fathering, in the traditionally understood sense, when you protect, guide with principle, instill values, and inspire. You sow the seeds of morality, leadership, and personal power.

In the real sense you are mother and father integrated into a seamless parenting whole.

During two days in the current months, we honor you, not as the perfect parent, since that entity is truly a myth, but as one who still wants to attain that status no matter how unrealistic it is. We honor you for the days when doing your best, with all good intentions, has to be the way it is.

You are magnificent. You are doing the most important work for which humanity can ask. You hold in your hands our future, and you deserve nothing less than dignity and respect at your back.

To quote the song, you are "the wind beneath the wings" of life. We thank you. Happy Mother's Day. Happy Father's Day. Happy You Day.

From http://evolequals.com/2013/06/08/my-fathers-day-card-to-lesbian-moms-and-all-other-single-or-lgbt-parents/. I know the site says "My Father's Day Card to Lesbians" but I think this card works just as well for Trans women too. It's what I gave to my wife for Father's Day, and what I wish for all of you. <3

[Sarah Louise]

Well that day has come and gone.  Basically uneventful, I did receive cards and phone calls.  My kids did their duty, the day went as expected.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

(It has been and it was a kick in the heart).

I want to point out that I completely don't understand the statement: "I would not want to take away from Mother's day and the rights of mothers to be honored by their children".

Lesbian parents both call themselves mum, that doesn't mean they have *anything* taken away from them. It is gender based name for a parent. If there is more than one it does not devalue the other. That doesn't  mean I think everyone should use the word Mum/Mom to describe themselves, but I certainly don't think there is anything bad in it if they do.

[cannedrabbit]

I want to point out that I completely don't understand the statement: "I would not want to take away from Mother's day and the rights of mothers to be honored by their children".

Lesbian parents both call themselves mum, that doesn't mean they have *anything* taken away from them. It is gender based name for a parent. If there is more than one it does not devalue the other. That doesn't  mean I think everyone should use the word Mum/Mom to describe themselves, but I certainly don't think there is anything bad in it if they do.

I agree, as a mother myself, I would have no problem "sharing" Mother's Day with my wife if she so wished. I really don't think gender should matter on either day for you to be celebrated, just like you don't have to be a biological mother or father to be celebrated on MD or FD. Both days should really just be a celebration of good parenting, no matter who you are!

[Beth Andrea]

I agree, as a mother myself, I would have no problem "sharing" Mother's Day with my wife if she so wished. I really don't think gender should matter on either day for you to be celebrated, just like you don't have to be a biological mother or father to be celebrated on MD or FD. Both days should really just be a celebration of good parenting, no matter who you are!

Bravo!! *clapping*



And, ideally, it should be the kids who celebrate the parents. My kids, until about 3 years ago, would often say how good we were compared to their peers...we rarely drank, didn't do drugs, didn't beat them up, etc. (They saw all this at their friends' houses). Three years ago we started having "The Perfect Storm" of family crises, and even though we (my ex and I) got us all through it...something had changed in all of us.

I can't help but think we failed them somewhere...so I can't feel bad that they don't remember me on the day to honor dads. (My birthday is coming up in a couple weeks...I'm gonna be quiet about it, and see who chooses to mention it. My guess is, no one.)

[cannedrabbit]

And, ideally, it should be the kids who celebrate the parents. My kids, until about 3 years ago, would often say how good we were compared to their peers...we rarely drank, didn't do drugs, didn't beat them up, etc. (They saw all this at their friends' houses). Three years ago we started having "The Perfect Storm" of family crises, and even though we (my ex and I) got us all through it...something had changed in all of us.

I can't help but think we failed them somewhere...so I can't feel bad that they don't remember me on the day to honor dads. (My birthday is coming up in a couple weeks...I'm gonna be quiet about it, and see who chooses to mention it. My guess is, no one.)

Aw, don't be so hard on yourself. I heard once (I don't remember where) that the only way to truly fail your children is to disown them. Things would have eventually changed anyway... such is the nature of life. How old are your kids? Teens I'm guessing? I remember when I was a teen everything always seemed so much more world-shattering. In time everything will calm down, and everyone will adjust to a new sense of normalcy. I mean, look at it this way. Isn't it better for them to see you being happy and true to yourself? I think that's an incredibly important lesson for you to be teaching them. And while I'm at it, happy early birthday! Are you a July baby? My birthday is July 5th. ^_^