This is my third attempt, I keep typing it and deleting it.
It's a bit of a long introduction(it could've been longer, but I omitted quite a bit), so sorry in advance...
For a very long time now I know I've been different from other people. At the very least I've always had an Androgynous mindset (my index and ring fingers are even equal in length), with a slight balance toward the female side. I looked a little androgynous until puberty hit too, because my hair was about medium length. Then once my facial hair grew(and it hit fast) in, and testosterone had it's way that ended physically.
In school I was always the quiet kid, with few friends. I wanted to fit in so badly, but at the same time just wanted to disappear from the face of the earth. I never really fit with the rest of the boys. I didn't like sports(not to mention I sucked at them), I wasn't aggressive or competitive. I never really got the whole male bonding thing, it just seemed so empty. I tended to get picked on a lot since I didn't fit in. It didn't help that my father was never really there(even before he divorced my mother when I was only 5). So I never really even had a good male role model. I only had about 2 good friends that were male, and a few that were just friends because of the other two.
I couldn't really fit in with the girls either because I was a boy, though I've played with girls in the past. I'll admit to having played with dolls with my sister when I was a lot younger, or playing with a toy cooking set. Most of the neighborhoods I've lived in during my childhood had mostly girls, having a sister helped, otherwise I probably wouldn't of played with other neighborhood kids much. So I took what I could get.
I was also always pretty emotional, but couldn't show it for obvious reasons, and just locked them away in the dark recesses of my mind(which probably wasn't very healthy). Since I was very creative/imaginative I tended to retreat to drawing or daydreaming, since it was a good way to escape reality.
It wasn't till I was about 14 or 15 that I ever really questioned myself. I would sometimes go to sleep at night and actually wish I could wake up a girl, or die and be reborn as one. Or even try straining my muscles and channeling my energy to see if I could somehow change my form by will alone. I never cross-dressed, at least not in a physical sense. I have a powerful imagination so I can fulfill those needs by fantasizing.
I also became a meaner towards my sister at that point, but she just made me mad/jealous that she was born a girl, and I wasn't. I pretty much avoided her at all costs while at school.
Since about then I've also been fighting off suicidal thoughts. Which isn't all that uncommon for people with gender issues from what I hear.
In a lot of my drawings around 15 on I started to mainly draw girls, but normally fighting mythical creatures, demons, and robots(to disguise the pictures), It was kind of a way to fantasize about being a girl.
In high school I ended up sitting at a table of mostly girls because my friend did. Over time he kind of became a jock at ditched me at the table. I could of left but I didn't, because in some ways I could live through their stories. They didn't seem to feel the need to put up their guard around me. I was just an observer most of the time.
In college I also found it a bit easier to talk to girls(from what I learned listening in HS), but always just as friends. The conversations would get pretty personal/deep, without me even feeling the need lie. Sometimes I'd find myself getting a little too chatty(It's kind of funny because I'm usually quiet) with them. I never really had a sex drive at all(never really even had a desire to masturbate either, sorry if I said too much), which is probably why girls find it easier to let their guard down around me.
About halfway through college I started getting hit hard by social anxiety, kind of like a shock wave from all the years of putting up barrier upon barrier to hide my femininity, though I didn't realize that back then.
I even tried to drink myself to death once, falling about 1 beer short. Nobody ever knew it was intentional.
My anxiety's only been getting worse, I don't even drive(the anxiety just overwhelms me) anymore and I'm on disability, so now I just feel stuck in a dead end. I just want to get back to my life, which I never really lived much of in the first place.
About three years ago I met what I beleive to be my Anima(feminine side) in a series of lucid dreams. She has silvery white wings, Aqua eyes, brown hair, and she either wears a white dress with blue trim or a blue robe with gold trim. She looks a lot like what I'd picture myself as if I'd been born a girl.
She's never spoken once(actually she tried but words didn't come out) in them(but I could feel her emotions, and she bears a great deal of sadness), but after a few dreams she wrote her name in a mirror. It said "Marciel"(kind a strange/rare name) on the mirror, this made her happy that I finally knew her name.
The next night I had what at first appeared to be a lucid sex dream, but she kind of just phased into me like energy, like she was trying to hint that she was me. Our thoughts were one for a brief moment before I woke up. I never see her anymore, but I am her in some of my dreams, especially since recently. She never really went away.
I didn't even really consider that I really could potentially be TG until about 2 months ago, when I read some article online. Then a few stories on various TG sites. It was kind of like a revelation or something. Then I just started to think back on the past. More seems to come back everyday now, that had gone completely unnoticed or was forgotten/repressed until now.
I feel I'm still a bit too scared to tell my psychiatrist. Or for that matter, how I'd even drop a bombshell like that.
I'm also afraid that It may be too late if I wait too long, given HRT becomes less effective with age. Though I'm only 25, so I still have some time to get decent results. I probably have to manage my anxiety before any doctor in their right mind would allow me to try HRT. Doing it on my own with OTC herbal hormones sounds like it would be dangerous.
I'm just not sure what to do...
I figured I have nothing to lose by posting here...
Any comments/advice would be welcomed, if you survived reading this entire post.
~Gray Seraph
