"FTM" Having an Identity Crisis, Please Help

[harrisonkutz]

I'm going to start of by saying that this is a personal and distressing issue for me that I need some help with, and I really do not mean to offend anyone.

I have been living as male for roughly the past year and a half of my life, my family is accepting. I have been on T for around 8 months. Recently I have gone into a depression/anxiety spell because I am all the sudden completely unsure of my gender identity. I'm afraid if I transition I'll end up living a lie, or end up putting myself in more of a closet than I was in to begin with. I fear that my dysphoria might just be deeply rooted misogyny or just the fact I can't accept that I like presenting as male or like male clothes, or maybe just a general hatred for my body that has nothing to do with gender. I feel that I've been living in some sort of 'fantasy world' or 'trance' and I need to snap out of it and just face the fact I'll never be male. I feel like I shouldn't need to alter the natural state of my body in order to feel comfortable, or right of be happy.

I've been contemplating suicide, and I really don't know what to do, i feel really messed up.

[V M]

Hi Harrison 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, please do not harm yourself

Please be sure to review

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• > > > > > Age and the Forum < < < < <
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Hugs

V M

[Devlyn]

Hi Harrison, welcome to Susan's Place! Just take a deep breath, we've got you in the lifeboat now. You're going to meet all sorts of friends here who know exactly how you feel, because they've been there. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

[Devlyn]

Also, Harrison, if you are feeling overwhelmed, please call one of the suicide hotlines. This is a link to all the numbers and organizations we have gathered up. (Thanks, Arch!)

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112671.0.html

We need you around, so use this if you have to. Hugs, Devlyn

[Jamie D]

Harrison, dysphoria comes in all colors.  For some it is so strong, and their gender identity is so clear, the are compelled to transition, or end up dying.

For others, they can cope with HRT, or cosmetic changes, or dressing, etc.  There is no rule book on what you must do to calm the dysphoric feelings.

If you have not done so lately, consider talking to a therapist about the anxiety, and what might be at it's root.

[DriftingCrow]

Hi Harrison, welcome to Susan's. I understand how you feel. I haven't begun to transition due to similar questions--I do like wearing male clothing but don't like just being seen as a lady in men's clothes, so is that why I want to transition? Is it because I dislike guy's flirting with me? etc. I think a good amount of people on here have felt the same way at some point either before, during, or after transition. I think it's normal to have fears and doubts about making such a huge decision.

Also, before coming to Susan's Place, I've never heard of "gender-queer" or living androgynously, so I've always thought my only options were to just live as female, be butch, or transition to male. Since coming here, I've been unsure if the trans label is right for me because now I feel like I should look into and evaluate these other options.

Life is really confusing, but I urge you not to allow suicide as an option. We have a lot of friendly, supportive, and knowledgeable people on here who can offer good guidance and advice. 

[KayCeeDee]

Harrison, feel free to hop into chat if you ever want to talk there as well.  (Just be patient in case it is quiet, sometimes it takes a few minutes for people to wake up)