My Mother and Sister's Reaction.

[BunnyBee]

Has anybody heard from l2l in a while?  I am a lil worried abt her..

[Shantel]

Has anybody heard from l2l in a while?  I am a lil worried abt her..

Uh-ooh, me too!

[CalmRage]

Uh-ooh, me too!

I have. She's rather busy. But Skye-Blue, THAT'S who i am worried about.

[Ciara]

Hi l2l,
I have been away for a couple of weeks and only now read about your coming out. I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult and emotional time with your mother. You, of all people, do not deserve this as you have been so kind to me and many other girls here. I wish I could offer you some really good advice but as I remain in the closet I cannot share any experience of coming out with you. All I can offer is my love and support and my friendship.
I hope it gets better for you soon,
Love,
Ciara.

[Keaira]

Reading more of LtL's posts, I can't help but be reminded of my wife when I read about her mother. I tried to start hrt back in 2005. But my wife threw out my meds. She knew when we got married, that I was transgendered. But we faught tooth and claw over it. Quite often I was furious and left crying. Its a wonder I didnt start on drugs or alcohol. Shes thrown out clothes, guilt tripped me.... all it has led to is I do not trust her anymore. When she came with me to DC, I questioned her motives and I still do. In fact, there is only one person in my life that I trust implicitly now. It should be my wife. But its Caleb. It's not a good thing when you dont trust your spouse to have your best interests too.

[Ltl89]

I'm okay everyone.   Just have been busy.  I'm desperately doing what I can to find employment and trying to study as hard as I can for the GRE.  The remainder of my time has been spent burying myself in books.  Yesterday I had a group therapy session with my family.  It went okay.  Everyone is still on there respective side, but I feel like my mom is adjusting more with time.  She isn't hostile or angry.  She's just sad and worried.   Sometimes it doesn't come out right, as it is tense for everyone involved, but she's an amazing person and the best mother I could ask for.  It's hard for her to accept and understand everything, but I understand that it's difficult.  I just hope things will improve over time.  She still thinks I'm deluded and confused, but she is trying to do what she can to adjust and absorb it.  Unfortunately, I don't have the answer for that. 

LtL – Did you and your mother spend a lot of time together, planning your future?  Kind of mapping things out???

Not really.  My mom always told me that she wants me to follow my heart and do what's best for me.  She just doesn't think this is it.

@Jen
I don't think that's a bad question; however, I have tried that.  The answer I get is that I don't know if this will really bring me happiness.  She thinks that I may rush into something that will destroy my life and make it even harder to find overall happiness.  I have told her I am confident in my path, but getting her to believe it is a whole other thing. 

[Tristan]

Why goes she think you don't know what you want? If your sure I don't see why you would regret it. Plus you have plenty of time to back out

[Ltl89]

Now she compared me to the guy who took bath salts and ate someone's face off.  She thinks I'm crazy and delusional like people who think they are really animals or an object.  I'm not taking any hallucinogenics and I have proven to be a sane/lucid individual throughout my life.  I'm tired of being told I don't know what I feel or want and that this is all a delusion.  I'm tired.  I'm just going to give my mom the silent treatment and refuse to talk to her at this point.  I honestly think I might just run away and live in my car.  My sister might take me in for the short term, so maybe I will ask her for help.  Still, I'm doubtful she will take me in, so I'll likely have no where to go.  if not I can live in the car or move into a homeless shelter.  At this point living at home has become hell, so it may be a preferable situation.  Besides she threatened me with the fact that she will not want to see me anymore once I start transitioning and made it clear that my living situation will be altered in some way (either she will make me leave or give me ground rules that I must follow); therfore, it might be all that I can do.  I try really hard to understand and I go through points where I try my best to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I just don't know what to do.  While I may come across as whiny, you can see from my many posts that I defend my mother and try to understand her pov.  But she just doesn't stop. And my sisters don't even interfere to help defend me.  I'm all alone in this.  I really don't know what to do anymore.  Honestly, life sucks and I'm tired of it.  I'm transitioning to be happy, but nothing gets better.  It's only gotten worse.  And the alternative is not worth it.  I won't do anything, but I don't even see the point continuing when it's always going to be a living hell regardless. 

[Jamie Marie]

Stay strong and try to be positive. You know what you want and need to do, but it may take much longer than we think for her to come around. I'd offer you a place to stay but it's like 500 miles away 

Try to stay safe no matter what, and please don't try to live in your car. It's no fun I've done that. We don't want anything to happen to you. I enjoy your posts as do many others. I don't know how much it costs to live where you're at, but maybe one of your friends families would be accepting and let you live there for cheap temporarily if that's an option?

Best Wishes,

Jamie

[Tristan]

Yeah when they try to control you like that its time to leave unless your willing to do as they say. You will be much happier in a while once your gone

[Ciara]

I agree with Jamie Marie. It is not safe to live in your car or a shelter.
Be patient, it may take a long time for your mom to accept this. You may even need to consider some initial compromise where you still have your home but your transition may take a little longer.
If you move out you may not be able to afford your transition.
Your mom is really struggling with this. Work with her and she may begin to understand, but it may take a long time. She is still your mom.
Stay safe.

Love,
Ciara.

[Shantel]

I agree with Jamie Marie. It is not safe to live in your car or a shelter.
Be patient, it may take a long time for your mom to accept this. You may even need to consider some initial compromise where you still have your home but your transition may take a little longer.
If you move out you may not be able to afford your transition.
Your mom is really struggling with this. Work with her and she may begin to understand, but it may take a long time. She is still your mom.
Stay safe.

Love,
Ciara.

Ciara is right, living in your car or a shelter is out of the question. There are predatory types that will abuse you under those circumstances, I have friends who have experienced those horrors. When I started transition years ago I had to take my HRT and see the endo on the QT and keep a low profile as I gently introduced my S.O. to what was happening so that she could deal with it in little bites. Try that approach, stay safe at home and continue to look for a meaningful occupation.

[xchristine]

Shelters can vary on the type and the client
As I grew up not in a very nice way...
I have seen my share...some are long term
Transition houses...but i would get out of that
He'll hole city and maybe some where like mid west
A city of like maybe a million people or so

I stayed in shelters...and told the staff I'm ts on hormones
They don't want to wind up on the news for letting
Clients get raped...so they watched me like a hawk

Of course there is also single room monthly motel .
Rooms with shared bathroom...not glamorous...but
Your own bed your place. .I lved in those for a few years

And of course renting a room from some one in a
House or apartment ....

There is always options ..but my advice get out
Of that city...way to much competiton...
Maybe Colorado...hey!!! Winter ski lodfge for work...
Free foood and a room...wash a few dishes floors
Serve food...get paid and no living expense
Cruise line same Thing....where I work ..remote
Work camp settings...awesome food sheet change weekly
And no stress
Expand your parameters....only you can make it happen..

[Joanna Dark]

Things do get better. Remember that. I didn't even think HRT would work and now no one believes I am a guy. Its great.I also have a love life, friends and happiness in my future so things get better. Its worth it. Don't five up.

[Ltl89]

Things do get better. Remember that. I didn't even think HRT would work and now no one believes I am a guy. Its great.I also have a love life, friends and happiness in my future so things get better. Its worth it. Don't five up.

Joanna, I appreciate those kind words.  However, I really don't see things getting better anymore.  To be honest, I can't imagine a bright future in my life.  I'm not looking for pity in saying that.  I'm just being honest.  I don't have anything going for me at this point, and I can't imagine that will ever change.  I have no job, no money, hardly any friends, no love life, and now may lose my family (the only people who accepted and supported me).  It would be great to say things will turn around, but the problem isn't my circumstances... its me.  If I am brutally honest with myself, I'm the problem.  I could blame the economy as the reason no one is hiring me, but shouldn't I have found something by now? I could blame my lack of a love life or friends on others not understanding me or my shyness, but it seems like no one really wants me around.  Isn't the problem me again?  And now my family has seen my dark side and increasingly wants little to do with me.  I don't bring up living in a shelter or my car to be dramatic.  I bring it up because that is probably going to be the only place I can go.  If my mom doesn't want to be around me while I transition, which she said may be the case, where do I go?  I either have to detransition to appease her or go my own way.  I can do that, but like I said no one will hire me (because I'm a loser) and without money it is impossible.  It may sound like I don't try and am complacent, but you have no idea how many places I have applied to.  I would be embarrassed to disclose the amount of applications I have sent out with the incredibly small feedback I have received.  It only solidifies how much of a reject loser I am.  And it isn't my resume because I have had it checked by others and no one sees anything wrong with it. Nor is it that I am aiming really high.  Believe me, I'm not.   It's just me.  And even if I did get my own place, it would hurt too much to lose my family completely.  As I said, they were the only people who accepted me and loved me unconditionally.  The only people that I have in my life.  Now I feel completely alone.  I have no one and know that I will never find others who will accept me.  I have two dear friends in my life, but we aren't too close and they could never close the emotional gap that losing my family would leave me.  Maybe they will all come around, but it's possible that they won't.  It's hard for me to be positive or hopeful with all that in mind.  And to be honest, as much as I want to transition, I can only see things getting harder as I continue.  If no one wants to hire me, be in a relationship with me, befriend me, or accept me at this point in time, how will they all feel once I start changing and they inevitably know I'm transgender.  I only see more rejection in the future.  I know it's been hard on my family, but I have to imagine the rest of society will be even more hurtful, hostile and more prone to rejection than those who love me.  They should be a cakewalk compared to the rest of the opposition I will face.  And knowing that I will have to go through all that opposition alone without any support from family or friends is tough.  It's not about the finances as much as I need their emotional support and love through this tough period. I already face enough rejection at this point and know I will have to put up with more as I continue down this path... I can't deal not having their support as well.  So, I only see things continuing to get worse than improving.

Having said that, I won't give up.  So don't worry about that.  I don't want anyone to get scared or become concerned.  I will not do anything stupid.  To quote Roger Water's of Pink Floyd"

Thought I oughta bare my naked feelings,
Thought I oughta tear the curtain down.
I held the blade in trembling hands
Prepared to make it but just then the phone rang
I never had the nerve to make the final cut."

That's pretty much my feelings on life itself at the moment.  I may say hopeless things and sincerely feel that way, but I don't have the "nerve to make the final cut".  So no worries, I am here and will remain that way.  For better or worse.  I just wish there was a way for it to be better even though I no longer believe it will get that way.

[Bookworm]

LtL I am sorry to hear that things are not going well for you. I wish there was a way that I could help you. I know what it feels like to not have anybody. I know what it is like to feel like you know people, but nobody is close. I know that feeling. I cant comprehend the full totality of your situation. I know it sucks. This is one of those things that is hard to handle and if anybody says it is easy then they are crazy. Sure some people have and easier time of it than others. You and I are not that lucky. We have some nice moments, but overall it sucks a lot. For the record I am horid at cheering people up. I am saying though that when you get kicked down you do have to get back up. It seems to me that you have that fighting spirit in you. That is a good thing. I am sorry do hear about your mother. I too know how much it hurts.

You say that the problem is you, but I can say that for many people here you are one of the nicest people we have ever interacted with. YOU seem to cheer people up. I know that there have been times that you have touch me and you did not know it. I saw things you posted and even though the words of encouragement were not aimed at me I still felt their power. If the jobs are not coming then it does not mean anything is wrong with you. It just means that the job is not right for you.

I hope that you find the answers you are looking for. I also hope that you stay with us. I wont lie some of the things you said scared me to think you might end it. That would not be helpful to you or anybody else.

[BunnyBee]

I just want to say that the rest of the world is not harder than your own family.  When your family is not disposed to being supportive, they are the worst of anybody.  Most people do... not... care.  Most people in fact do not have the capacity to even notice anybody but themselves.  Only the most sociopathic will go out of their way to make you feel bad about yourself if they do notice you, and none of those people even will ever say anything that rivals the things your mother has said to you.   The only people that have ever discouraged me or made me feel bad about being trans after I came out to them have been my immediate family.  All of my friends were very supportive, in fact.

Family members have you wrapped up in their own ego, andI think that is why they react so strongly.  They feel your life reflects on theirs—they do not see you as a separate individual exactly, but more like an extension of themselves.   That is why, for instance, a family member told me that he didn't want his inlaws (whom I also know fairly well) to know about me because it embarrassed him.  So kind of like that, I reflect on him somehow in his mind.

So if you can deal with an unsupportive family, you can deal with anybody.  Their rejection hurts the worst, and they usually spew the strongest and most spiteful venom on top of that.

[Shantel]

Jen, Bookworm and all of the others have come forth with some of the most thoughtful comments and heartfelt support, If I could summarize it all in a few sentences, I would say that it is painful beyond words to watch your family beat you down while we are all so helpless to do anything to effectively remove you from that hellishly toxic environment, as they systematically destroy your self esteem and pound you into a hole. I cut my family off completely for ten years, never spoke to them or acknowledged their existence. Finally they could stand it no longer, realizing how cruel that they had been they finally apologized. My mom, sister and I had hugs and tears when we finally met again. You need to cut them off before they destroy you honey, it's called tough love!

[Joanna Dark]

Have you ever considered it's your family that's holding you back? You say they love you unconditionally but do they? I don't think they do. If they did, they'd support your happiness. Bu it doesn't matter. You have to work to make yourself happy and you need to go out and meet people and network to get work. Sending resumes is not enough. Try harder. Also sooner or later you'll get lucky. You just have to wait.

[BunnyBee]

Just also want to say about getting a job.  If you know people that make hiring decisions, you will get a job.  I think most people get their jobs this way.  If you don't know anybody like that, finding a job and standing out from all the other candidates becomes infinitely harder.  You should not blame yourself if you are having a hard time.  You seem like the sweetest and most caring person, and I know you would not turn anybody off from choosing you.  It is probably that you need to do more to turn them on to it, to stand out more.  But actually, if you don't know anybody that can help you get a job, your issue is probably more with your networking.

One thing a lot of people do that's kind of a way to network in a weird way is register with temp agencies and try to do a great job everywhere they go so they may stick on permanently somewhere.  There are drawbacks of course, but it's something.  Another idea is to look into a govt run employment service in your area.  I don't know much about them, but I know somebody that works in that field and she works really hard to help people get jobs and has very good success.

I think we can all agree that the primary thing you need right now is independence and you do need a job for that.