Coming out to my parents part 2

[Stefani2]

Okay, so I am just feeling pretty down while I write this.

My mother was pretty OK with everything the first day I told her and said she would help me do things the right way and be there even if she didn't understand but she has changed her tune a lot the last couple days.

Yesterday she was obssessing over me all day long and kept bothering me. She told me flat out she wished I had never started HRT and that she wanted me to stop altogether. We argued a bit and I said somethings that were pretty degrading to myself just cuz I was so upset with her. After she came to my door and said flat out that I was going to put her in the hospital (she has bipolar disorder) again and basically I was really starting to upset her.

She has made a point of male gendering me and other trans people as "he's" or "hims" and keeps making a point of calling me her "son" and it is starting to make me extremely dysphoric. Today she got reaally upset when I did my eyebrows and kept saying "Really? Are you going to do this HERE?" and then I was eating breakfast and she looked at me and said "You have a very masculine jaw" and then said "Do you know what I see when I look at you?" and I said "What?" and she said "A boy".

She is making me feel like a complete freak and doesn't realize it but is really hurting my feelings. She is soo emotionally manipulative sometimes. I feel sooo stupid for thinking she could possibly accept me, I was just reading other people's stories and thought somehow there was a way, when I really know her better than that. Now it just seems like she's angry with me.

I keep lashing out and saying mean things to her and I get really angry, but when it comes down to it I am not really mad I am hurt. And crushed. She has made me feel soo dysphoric. She has made me feel like I don't stand a prayer of passing and that I am ugly and everything is hopeless. I am feeling extremely down right now and this is honestly the first time since I started HRT that I have thought about hurting myself.

It just feels like I need to get away from her because everything is getting hard to bear and I feel like if I don't something bad will happen, but I have no where to go. No friends, no family I can stay with. NO one. I feel trapped and alone and miserable right now..

[King Malachite]

Girl I am so sorry this is happening to you *HUGS*.  I know how you feel being trapped with no other friends or family to stay with for support.  You will always have us though.  Maybe you could try to find a job and then a roomate?  In the meantime just try to block out your mother's comments and say "okay". 

I really hope things get better for you.

[Ltl89]

I am really sorry to hear this.  Parents react funny and often don't have just one reaction to it.  Try not to get mad at your mom despite her being hurtful.  It's likely she is hurting too.  When she says those things, tell her that how much she is hurting you by saying that.  People are less likely to say mean things when you respond with sadness instead of anger.  My mom has said similar things to me and it really does bother me.  All I can say is be yourself and eventually she will come around.  Right now she is in the protect mode and hoping she can convince you not to do this.  With time you will be able to convince her this is the right thing for you.  It will take time and it will be hard, but she will come around.  After all, she had a positive reaction initially.  For now, just be calm with her and tell her how hurtful she is being when she says those things.  I'm wishing you lots of luck. 

[Stefani2]

Well I guess what is hurting me though most even more than the other mean things she has said is her saying this will make her sick again. Cuz she knows when i was little i blamed myself for her illness and she is using that.

And what really hurts is how when she was sick i was always there for her. her most recent episode was especially bad and she was so sick she was hearing voices. I was 17 i didn't want to have to see my mom so bad off. But i stayed and i deaalt with it until she got better eveb though all my other siblings went to my grammas. I never made her feel bad or like there was something wrong with her i just supported her.

and now it's like i am finally doing something i have dreamed about my entire life and will make me happy and all she can do is make me feel like a freak and say i am making her sick again.

and i am hurt. i am crying while i write this cuz im so hurt. but i can't show her that cuz she will use it against me, she always goes after people she sees as weak. i am just soo tired of her mind games and manipulation i have  been dealing with it my whole life and i don't know how much longer i can.

[Jam]

Well I guess what is hurting me though most even more than the other mean things she has said is her saying this will make her sick again. Cuz she knows when i was little i blamed myself for her illness and she is using that.

And what really hurts is how when she was sick i was always there for her. her most recent episode was especially bad and she was so sick she was hearing voices. I was 17 i didn't want to have to see my mom so bad off. But i stayed and i deaalt with it until she got better eveb though all my other siblings went to my grammas. I never made her feel bad or like there was something wrong with her i just supported her.

and now it's like i am finally doing something i have dreamed about my entire life and will make me happy and all she can do is make me feel like a freak and say i am making her sick again.

and i am hurt. i am crying while i write this cuz im so hurt. but i can't show her that cuz she will use it against me, she always goes after people she sees as weak. i am just soo tired of her mind games and manipulation i have  been dealing with it my whole life and i don't know how much longer i can.

Firstly if that is you  in your DP, trust me you do not look remotely like a boy (you actually remind me of Natalie Portman). Your mum doesn't want this for you for whatever reason and much like when we don't want something to happen we will say every excuse under the sun to try to make it not happen. Including telling you, you look like a boy to try to put you off transitioning and saying things like 'my son' 'he' 'him' to basically try to convince you she will not accept you and again put you off doing it.

I had a similar problem with my dad, he used to call me masculine nicknames (like tiger etc) and rarely use my real name before he found out. Then as soon as he found out I was his 'little girl' his 'daughter' etc. he stopped calling me the masculine nicknames and starting calling me 'love' and using my real name all the time. He told me it would kill my grandparents, I'd ruin everyone's lives including my own. He adamant he could not and would not accept it to the point of telling me he wouldn't love me.

I pushed through regardless and nearly 2 years later he supports me completely. The turn around really was my grandparent instantly accepting me.

So my advise is to keep going, tell your mum this decision is right for you, you don't want to hurt her but its something you have to do and it's going to happen. Any future arguments where she calls you the wrong pronouns and names just remember to stick to your guns. At the end of the day you have to put yourself first sometimes and this is one of those times.

If you ever want someone to talk to btw feel free to message me =]

[Stefani2]

Well actually i haven't even asked her to use female pronouns and there is no point in doing that cuz i know she won't and she will get mad. but it's like before she rarely gendered me much and one time even said something to my dad about how i didn't  like gender roles or something. it was like she treated me MORE female before I came out and now makes a point of using masculine terms which is driving me crazy with dysphoria and seriously mind effing with me.

i just feel uncomfortable asking her to treat me like a female cuz she only treats me with a mix of pity/disappointment/disgust when i do and i can't handle that.

and yes that is me and thank you <3

[Tristan]

I'm sorry. People who are bi polar really can be manipulative. Try to distance yourself from her as much as possible right now. I think if you time spend less time together for a while your relationship might be less strained. Also I'm not sure what type of bi polar disorder your mom has or your self esteem level or if she's taking her meds. But I can tell you when she gets manic she will use your transition against you and if she knows the proper buttons to push she will. Just thought I would caution you on that

[Stefani2]

Well now she called my sister and obviously said something to upset her cuz she called me and basically told me i was being selfish and making our mother nervous/sick again. My sister is my ONLY ally on my family and the only person who has been there and been 100% supportive from day one but she is sooo blind to our mother. She hurts us and says nasty things (she called her an abomination for being a lesbian) but my sister still can't seem to see her for who she is. i know cuz i have the same problem. i really want to be close to her but she is just so toxic.

I really am starting to get a knot in my stomach. My sister has always been the one person to support me and even she is getting mad at me. I feel really lost and alone atm and i can't seem to stop crying and whats worse is no one in my life seems to care or understand. They all just think i have the problem. it's all getting to be just too much...

[Tristan]

Getting away from your mom would be smart. It sounds like its going to affect your health.

[Ltl89]

I'm sorry that things are playing out like this.  That isn't fair to you.  While it is sad your mom has that condition, it's not right for you to live for her without doing what's best for you.  If your family is going to expect that, you need to explain this to them.  I'm a big fan of working things out with family before running away or backing off.  I would try to patiently work things out as best as you can while you stand your ground.  Sometimes people need time to adjust.  If they can't come around, then you need to do what's right for you.  That way, you know you gave your family a chance, but they didn't do the same for you.  I hope it goes well and remember we are all here for you.

[Stefani2]

Hi guys, so okay new update. I talked to my mom about how much she had hurt me and how the things she said made me feel, and how fragile and emotional I am right now. She apologized and so I got to talking and I think we had a good talk. She said something about thinking this was because of my dad not being around a lot growing up (he just worked it's not like he wasn't there) and because her and I were always "too close" (we were really close but that's cuz I always related to her more than my dad) and I told her no that wasn't it and explained the likely causes (natal hormone exposure) and she DID seem skeptical but also seemed to understand a lot more.

She still seem concerned but then we kept talking and I asked her if she wanted to see what I would look like as a girl so I showed her some photos (including the one in my profile pic) and the look on her face itself said a lot. After she saw them she was like "Wow. You DO look like a girl" and then said she just felt bad cuz she thought I made an incredibly good looking male. I told her I knew exactly how I looked as a male and didn't care. I told her how I hated the looks I got from people and when they would hit on me it would make me feel terrible about myself. She seemed to understand that this was something very important to me when I explained that. I also used an analogy about my sister and how it was her MIND not her body that made her who she was that seemed to make her think.

She was in a much better mood the rest of the day. She did seem a little down at a couple points. I asked her if seeing me as a girl (cuz I am still mainly in androgynous mode right now) made her feel a little better and she said it *did* help her visualize but she wasn't really worried about that anyway (I guess she just said I was boyish to scare me), and that it is going to take a long time for her to adjust, which I told her I totally understood.

I'm feeling better now cuz she said she wouldn't try to stop me anymore. She even asked a few questions after I showed her the pictures and I think they really helped her see the person I truly am. I would like to start presenting full time as photographed soon cuz being inbetween (my current presentation is highly androgynous) is just seeming to make things worse but I am going to take things very very slow.

I still worry cuz she runs sooo hot and cold on me. One minute she is calm and rational about it, and the next she is anxious and manipulative. I guess....I guess I need to understand that she feels like she is losing someone, even though I am really not changing at ALL. I hope she keeps trying and doesn't hurt me again, but it would still be best for me to get out of the house and get some distance from this situation.

All in all, it's been a long emotional day. I think my sister is still upset at me for even coming out to our mom in the first place but hopefully she will get over it.

[Emily Aster]

I really don't have anything to add, but there is nothing whatsoever in your profile pic that says anything but woman to me.

[Ltl89]

I'm happy things calmed down a bit.  It seems like family fluctuate their position at different times.  It's hard to guess where they currently stand.  However, it is a sign that things are improving because she is trying to understand to some degree. 

[Stefani2]

@learningtolive,

I agree. And that can be really hard for us cuz, at least for me, I am in a very delicate place and her words cut really deep and hurt me a lot. I was feeling really bad and like everything was hopeless when I posted this yesterday, so I am reaally glad she and I patched things up. I still think she is very manipulative and I would like to get into better circumstances where I am not so dependent on her, but I guess I have to be patient and realize she is having a hard time with this, too and is probably going through the stages of grief.

I will give her time and be patient but will also try and get on my feet so I can't be hurt by her again. I think part of what hurt so bad was cuz I thought she was handling it better and then she came out of nowhere with that, so I am going to be a little wiser next time...fool me once.

[Joanna Dark]

Yeah it stinks when moms are like that. My mom should hang out with your mom lol because somedays she is so nice to me and even once said I should go vegan because it would help my HRT and then other days she is like OMG you should start going out back if you're going to emphasize your chest like that. But I think it's hard on them even if you are femme and girly looking. And I look just like my mom and sister and my aunts. It's uncanny.

But it sounds like she is just having a hard time and accepts and loves you even if it doesn't feel that way at times. It does hurt though when my brother says stuff about how I dress even when he knows I have always been like this and accepts it and loves me. So I understand about your sister too.

Don't know how this helps but just wanted to say I am in a similar situation so you're not alone.

[Jamie D]

Well now she called my sister and obviously said something to upset her cuz she called me and basically told me i was being selfish and making our mother nervous/sick again. My sister is my ONLY ally on my family and the only person who has been there and been 100% supportive from day one but she is sooo blind to our mother. She hurts us and says nasty things (she called her an abomination for being a lesbian) but my sister still can't seem to see her for who she is. i know cuz i have the same problem. i really want to be close to her but she is just so toxic.

I really am starting to get a knot in my stomach. My sister has always been the one person to support me and even she is getting mad at me. I feel really lost and alone atm and i can't seem to stop crying and whats worse is no one in my life seems to care or understand. They all just think i have the problem. it's all getting to be just too much...

First things first; you are not ugly and don't look like a boy.  I best that even when you are presenting as male, you are probably effeminate.

Another thing - you are not making your mom sick.  She is bipolar, needs to stay on her meds, and everyone in your family is co-dependent.  You did the right thing by giving her a glimpse of Stefani.  You are NOT the problem.

You know your family best.  If it was me, I would try to integrate Stefani more and more into the daily routine.  Maybe you can ask your Mom for makeup advice!

[Shantel]

Stefani,
       I just spotted this thread for the first time today and read all of the posts and I feel for you and Learningtolive because you're both dealing with parental acceptance issues right now and it's damned painful for everyone. Being a parent of kids that are now adults was a huge learning experience for me and I think a lot of parents are a lot like I was. In my mind I always had some expectations of my kids, that they would make me proud and turn out like thus and so. They put me through hell on earth, or so I thought. In truth I had actually set myself up for disappointment because of my own mental expectations. This is what your parents are going through, it's not so much you, it's them that needs to make the adjustments. Unfortunately as a parent I had a hard time letting go and didn't realize that in essence I had my foot on the backs of their necks, and used all kinds of manipulative and hurtful language, cursing and swearing to get them to behave and get back into the mold that I had mentally prepared for them. One of the biggest hurtles was wondering what will the neighbors think and what will the extended family think? Will I be seen as a failure as a parent?
      Eventually I was forced to concede that WTF it's not my life we are talking about, it's their lives and I can neither live it for them nor live my life vicariously through them. They are their own persons and aside from my job as a parent to feed, clothe, nurture and educate them K -12 there is nothing I can do beyond that and I am no longer in control. This is the epiphany every parent has to go through, it's a transition of their own and the best way to help them through it is to just be who you are and be sweet and loving toward them even as they rage through it. That will go a long way to get you all past the disappointment phase and into the acceptance phase a lot quicker.

[CalmRage]

Ugh. Apologies for posting here. My mother just asked me to talk. She asked me: "How did you get those thoughts? Do you think life will become easier?"

Thanks mom.