Discloser of being pre-op to a potential partner who knows I'm trans

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

I had a really wonderful first date with a man I met on OKC. I told him I was a transwoman in my first email response to him and that I had completely transitioned, which I specifically defined as living full-time as a woman. Without going into detail, one of his emails to me suggested that he knew I was still pre-op, but as the second date approaches, I am gripped by the fear that he might think I'm post-op. Should I politely make sure that he knows before we see each other again? I don't want to drive him away, but I certainly don't want any surprises in the moment. 

[Cassandra Hyacinth]

It probably is better to say sooner rather than later, if only because on the off-chance he didn't know and does take it badly, he's less likely to become violent.

[Heather]

I had a really wonderful first date with a man I met on OKC. I told him I was a transwoman in my first email response to him and that I had completely transitioned, which I specifically defined as living full-time as a woman. Without going into detail, one of his emails to me suggested that he knew I was still pre-op, but as the second date approaches, I am gripped by the fear that he might think I'm post-op? Should I politely make sure that he knows before we see each other again? I don't want to drive him away, but I certainly don't want any surprises in the moment.

It all depends on how serious your relationship is with him. But I would definitely say something before hopping into bed with him.  But if I was in your position I would just go ahead and tell him if he knows your trans and is still willing to see you then I don't think that this would be that huge of a deal. 

[Tristan]

Yeah I also think working in the fact that your still pre op is a smart move just to avoid any confusion. Guys don't like to feel like they don't know things . Even when it's there own fault for not listening . But he may not care so you can tell him and let him know you to can still be intimate

[xchristine]

That is a hard one...
I usually ask them they understand that I am ts
And what it means..and that I'm pre op also...

And ask them if that is an issue...

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

Thanks, gals. This has been my first experience dating and telling a guy. I didn't mean to hide anything from him, but when he replied that my trans-status was not an issue, I didn't want to push my luck and say, "are you sure, because I still have . . . ?" And I did genuinely think he alluded to my present anatomical status in one of his emails, but that was before we knew there would be sparks, embers, and flames. Next time, I'll include the pre-op in the initial disclosure.

So I'll tell him before our date next Friday. And because it is your advice that I'm following, you have committed yourself to an evening of sympathy next Friday night should he tell me "No thanks." 

[stavraki]

Thanks, gals. This has been my first experience dating and telling a guy. I didn't mean to hide anything from him, but when he replied that my trans-status was not an issue, I didn't want to push my luck and say, "are you sure, because I still have . . . ?" And I did genuinely think he allude to my present anatomical status in one of his emails, but that was before we knew there would be sparks, embers, and flames. Next time, I'll include the pre-op in the initial disclosure.

So I'll tell him before our date next Friday. And because it is your advice that I'm following, you have committed yourself to an evening of sympathy next Friday night should he tell me "No thanks." 

I wish you all the best.  I hope he sees that you're perfect just the way you wanna be, are and like to live.  If he's smart, he'll appreciate that if you're happy in yourself, then that makes you a wonderful person to be with.  And if he's got any sensitivity at all, he won't make this about him, and he will, instead, recognise the beauty and power of empathising with his date.

My kind regards to you - technically, I'm not MTF or FTM.  But, by losing my genitals in a tragedy, I've grown, very quickly, to grasp what genital configurations on particular body shapes mean to some in the mainstream.

Ya know tho I am actually now growing really grateful for what happened to me.  Because I would never have known the amazing beauty and courage - and struggles, triumphs, and power of people in this world at these posting boards.  I would never have seen your post.  I have never felt more appreciative and grateful to be in a place where I can outgrow all of the dumbness and lack of empathy I formerly held.  You're inspiring.  I'm getting surgery, soon, to get replacement parts.  MDL phalloplasty.  But--I realise by being here that those who love us as we are, in whatever form and combination of genitals and body, and mind we combine, vary or choose--are the ones we want in our lives.

Those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter.

Thank you for sharing.  Go gettem - be your beautiful self.

Kind Regards
stav

[UCBerkeleyPostop]

Way back in the day....I cannot believe that it will soon be a decade... my experience with online dating when i was pre-op is that most guys preferred girls with that little something extra.  Thank Baba,I no longer have to deal with that!

[stavraki]

Way back in the day....I cannot believe that it will soon be a decade... my experience with online dating when i was pre-op is that most guys preferred girls with that little something extra.  Thank Baba,I no longer have to deal with that!

I *loved* this post

Cheers UCBerkelyPostop - I have a big grin on my face - ten years on and all's well that ends well for you.

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

I wish you all the best.  I hope he sees that you're perfect just the way you wanna be, are and like to live.  If he's smart, he'll appreciate that if you're happy in yourself, then that makes you a wonderful person to be with.  And if he's got any sensitivity at all, he won't make this about him, and he will, instead, recognise the beauty and power of empathising with his date.

My kind regards to you - technically, I'm not MTF or FTM.  But, by losing my genitals in a tragedy, I've grown, very quickly, to grasp what genital configurations on particular body shapes mean to some in the mainstream.

Ya know tho I am actually now growing really grateful for what happened to me.  Because I would never have known the amazing beauty and courage - and struggles, triumphs, and power of people in this world at these posting boards.  I would never have seen your post.  I have never felt more appreciative and grateful to be in a place where I can outgrow all of the dumbness and lack of empathy I formerly held.  You're inspiring.  I'm getting surgery, soon, to get replacement parts.  MDL phalloplasty.  But--I realise by being here that those who love us as we are, in whatever form and combination of genitals and body, and mind we combine, vary or choose--are the ones we want in our lives.

Those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter.

Thank you for sharing.  Go gettem - be your beautiful self.

Kind Regards
stav

Stav,

You are a total inspiration, and you remind me of how I respond to my very supportive cisfriends when they try to tell me that I'm the bravest or one of the bravest people they know. The struggles that people encounter are immense, and it takes bravery for anyone to live authentically and to open themselves to their own vulnerabilities. Transgender people often have to do both visibly and risk public judgment for having done so. But we don't have a monopoly on bravery or authenticity. I am so happy that you have found a way to appreciate what had to have begun as an ordeal. You have achieved a specialness that few of us reach. And I will appreciate anything that happens with this man (short of violence, which I really don't think will happen since he'll know before I see him again but probably wouldn't happen anyway). Thanks.

Jane

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

Way back in the day....I cannot believe that it will soon be a decade... my experience with online dating when i was pre-op is that most guys preferred girls with that little something extra.  Thank Baba,I no longer have to deal with that!

Congratulations on getting to live as yourself! I can't wait until I no longer have to deal with being pre-op either. I actually advertise only to straight men and do not reveal my trans-status on the profile. I decided that 1) I would not contact any guys first and 2) I would disclose that I was transgender if a guy contacted me who I thought was worth responding to. That's what I did. For now, and without judging anyone who goes about it another way, I did not want people writing who first knew I was transgender. So far, I've been 2 for 2 on this method in terms of keeping up the conversation with the man who wrote me.

[stavraki]

and....ur language of expression of the issues is *exquisite*.

I love the use of the word 'authentic' and see a great bright, warm strong spirit in u.  If he doesn't 'get' you, as my cousin who lives in Greece said to me

Never run to chase a man.  Men are just like buses.  If you miss one, catch another.

Great to meet u and my best regards to u (I really love this place)

[xchristine]

and....ur language of expression of the issues is *exquisite*.

I love the use of the word 'authentic' and see a great bright, warm strong spirit in u.  If he doesn't 'get' you, as my cousin who lives in Greece said to me

Never run to chase a man.  Men are just like buses.  If you miss one, catch another.

Great to meet u and my best regards to u (I really love this place)

I LOLed!!!
Where is the nearest transit station??

[stavraki]

I LOLed!!!
Where is the nearest transit station??

ha ha ha - that brought a smile to my face just before I head out to work

Well, given the amount of nasties conventional judgers throw around the transgendered community, that makes one heck of a lotta stations....and standing at those stations are the bright lights of the good souls who can see through the lies of our blind society.....and they seem brighter against the dimness of the many ordinary people who've never challenged their own dogma....

kind regards stav

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

Never run to chase a man.  Men are just like buses.  If you miss one, catch another.

Men are like buses. Too bad I'm out of tokens. 

Thanks for sharing your light.

[stavraki]

Men are like buses. Too bad I'm out of tokens. 

Thanks for sharing your light.

*anytime*

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

Here's an update for those interested. So far, it's a qualified success story. We had a second and very romantic date Friday night. I had not told him before the date, so I kept us in public places even though we both wanted very much to head back to his place. However, we did arrange to cook together at his place in a few days, so I knew that I had to make certain that he knew without delay. He  took the news very well. He said that he was not certain about my "op" status, but was confident I would disclose it to him in time. He did not hide that he was disappointed because if I were post-op, he would have known exactly what he wanted to do. Now, how and at what speed we progress is more of an open question. So we're taking things slowly to see what feels natural. But the good news is that we are still taking things, if more slowly. I certainly see this as a success. I found a very open and understanding man who also happens to be intelligent, thoughtful, and handsome. No matter what occurs, I think I'll at least have a good new friend.

Thanks to all for your advice and support.

[Tristan]

Yay this is great news. Sounds like you two had fun and he is into you

[stavraki]

Here's an update for those interested. So far, it's a qualified success story. We had a second and very romantic date Friday night. I had not told him before the date, so I kept us in public places even though we both wanted very much to head back to his place. However, we did arrange to cook together at his place in a few days, so I knew that I had to make certain that he knew without delay. He  took the news very well. He said that he was not certain about my "op" status, but was confident I would disclose it to him in time. He did not hide that he was disappointed because if I were post-op, he would have known exactly what he wanted to do. Now, how and at what speed we progress is more of an open question. So we're taking things slowly to see what feels natural. But the good news is that we are still taking things, if more slowly. I certainly see this as a success. I found a very open and understanding man who also happens to be intelligent, thoughtful, and handsome. No matter what occurs, I think I'll at least have a good new friend.

Thanks to all for your advice and support.

Hi there, lovely Thank you so much for returning to say more. 

I'm looking at this guy, in my mind's eye thinking "I hope his 'disappointment', that he expressed, didn't turn into a whole chapter on his 'me page' for him, at this beautiful woman's expense".  An old friend of mine said about dating that "it's like a baby that needs special extra care, until things get solid".  If he's figured out what to do to get this right, he'll want to make sure he does not shame his date for the disclosure.  I know that whenever a friend or date says to me they need to tell me something, that's either something that's going to be hard for me to hear and that they've worked themselves up to saying (feedback about my behaviour) or else, something that they've kept to themselves cause they're afraid that if I know, I might look at them differently, or reject them.  For that latter one, I've got a vigilant eye out - and get myself ready to flood my friend with love.  Disclosures are incredibly courageous things to do, and you're a beautiful person.  I also know that the human heart can be incredibly generous, and some people grow to love us, deeply, for perceiving the person within, when they spot something moving about their journey.

I'm really moved by your story and am sitting here, writing thinking "please let her date be one of the men on this planet who spot real strength, courage and beauty and may he want to go on a lasting journey with her.  She's awesome.  He'd better show her that in praise, otherwise, she's too good for him, and he doesn't deserve her".

And I'm also thinking "did he see the courage of his date and was he moved by that".  Some people do, and some don't have language to express affirmation and to express their feelings in ways that nourish an emergent bond.

Although, if I read what you wrote right, sounds like he knew, before you told him, more than you told him?

And if he mistreats you - tell him "stav's gunna stride up to you in his ma's stilettos, with his gym gear on (mixing gender concepts on purpose) hands on hips, and say.

"clothes maketh the man, but stilettos are to support the woman I met at Susan's Place, not the man you are.  Look and read her strength.  She has more than you and me combined."

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

Stav,
Wow. Thanks so much for the compliments. Although we communicate only in this virtual medium, you're like so many of my friends locally who, as they've told me, have my back with a box cutter. They're being figurative, of course, except the one who coined it. She's beautifully insane and probably is not exaggerating. You're a reminder, Stav, that physical presence is not necessary to make another person feel supported and even emboldened.

Your support is so kind, that I almost fear that I will come across as defending the man who may soon cause me pain. But I know that he brings with him a number of sexual preferences over which he has very little control. If ultimately he cannot handle my pre-op status, there's little that either of us can do about it. I won't try and I really don't want to be around a guy who's working through discomfort. The only thing he has control over is how he treats me in the process of coming to terms with how he deals with a new sexual frontier. And so far, he's been kind and respectful. Yes, I could have used a couple of reassuring texts yesterday or a phone call yesterday, but he's been very kind to give both of us the chance. And I'm really grateful to this man with whom I've gotten to share my first two dates and my first physical intimacy as my authentic self. As long as he's kind when he breaks it off (assuming that he does), I will have nothing but gratitude when I remember him. Of course, I'll cry, but crying is something I do almost every day, so it's really not a big deal--one of the welcome privileges of being female.

So, we'll see how Tuesday goes, if it does goes at all. I have a dress that I think I look pretty cute in, and I have been reserving for an intimate date. It's not really that short, but it's short for me. Trust me; I'm not going to make this easy for him.