Hello, I'm Reese

[Reese]

I've been lurking this forum for quite a while, and I finally got around to joining!

I wanted to make an introduction.  I'm Reese, I'm 18 years old, turning 19 in 2 weeks.  I just graduated high school and I'm going to college this fall in Florida. 

I came out as transgender in November 2012.  I originally identified as agender/neutrois, and about a month or so later I came out as female to male transsexual.  I've come out to many people so far, including my close friends, one teacher, my therapist, and introduced the idea to my parents. 

As of a few days ago, I've felt some more confusion and panic about this whole thing.  While I know my gender identity is not female, I'm having slight doubts about identifying as full-on male, due to my parents saying "you're not man enough" and "you're just a girl in boys clothes" multiple times   I need to stop letting it get to my head... my teacher who I'm out to (who is gay) told me having these feelings are normal after coming out, so I'm trying not to worry about it too much.

I experience large amounts of gender dysphoria, and have been ever since puberty began.  Even ever since I can remember, I always wanted my hair short "like a boy," but my mom never let me.  Now that I'm being treated as a man in public and started using men's bathrooms, there is no possible way I could live my life how I did for the last 17-18 years.  I feel so comfortable living how I am, despite that I am pre-hormones and pre-operation. 

Honestly, I just think I hate gender.  But I'm no less of a man than anyone else, even if I am a little effeminate for a guy

Perhaps my gender expression is male, and my gender identity is neutrois?  Lets go with that. 

[Jamie D]

A warn southern California welcome to you Reese!  Glad you found us.  You can find more information on the Androgyne Talk board, and of course in the FtM talk board.

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As I see it, your gender identity is innate and largely immutable.  Your gender expression is entirely your own and is a visual gender clue to those around you.

- Jamie

[Cindy]

Hi Reese,

Welcome. I'm Cindy and feeling a bit groggy at 4am in the morning in Australia.

Why am I awake at 4 am? Because my horrors are with me and the nightmares drive me. Why?

Because for a long long time I did not accept myself. I'm a woman who for most of her life tried to be a guy.

I failed.

I'm now a happy woman but sometimes my regrets come back and I awake screaming with the horror of my past.

Accept yourself for who you are. You are the only one who knows your soul. No one else's opinion matters a damn.

Be yourself and be happy.

Please.

Cindy

[Cas]

Welcome Reese!

I'm also new, but I just wanted to say hi. I'm currently identifying as Genderfluid with a male default, not sure if that's something you've had a chance to look into, you might find that leaving yourself some room to be flexible and femme on the odd occasion is easier than trying to weigh up whether you are 'man enough' (which is a weird idea in my opinion as there are plenty of cismales who aren't 100% macho). To be honest though, what is most important is that you feel comfortable and happy with yourself and if you have to mix and match the labels a bit to get there, then so be it.

[Devlyn]

Hi Reese, welcome to Susan's Place! Glad you decided to join, you'll like it a lot better here on the inside. Hugs, Devlyn

[Reese]

Thanks everyone

I've definitely looked into genderfluid/bigender/non-binary genders before.  I am fully accepting of them and believe they need to be recognized! 

Cindy, I cannot imagine living a large majority of my life in a body I do not belong in.  I actually just completed a little "matrix" I made ranking how I feel about male/agender/female aspects (voice, hair, body shape, clothes/general appearance, chest, genitals, "passing," and body hair) and after sorting my thoughts out on paper I'm trying to push these thoughts behind me and know I am truly a man.  It's so confusing at times.... even with living only 17-18 years as a female, I still cannot look back at these years and breakdown whenever my past comes out.  Thank you for your comment; I love hearing from people who have more experience as most transgender people I've come across are my age or just a little bit older.  It makes me feel more secure knowing who I am, and that what I'm feeling isn't just a "phase" as people are telling me. 

[Emmaline]

Hi Reese, congratuations on facing all this stuff at such a young age- I could not imagine myself at the same age having the courage, so hats off to you... be proud of yourself.

I am trans mtf, but was in denial until last month- so only just exploring what it means to be female, and also struggling  if I feel 'female enough'.  Its not the amount of how female I feel, I realised, but that given a choice of being one or the other, that I feel more female.  As you say, you know your not female, perhaps its just about finding a shade of male that fits you.
I found mtf youtuber jordan (minorquarterback or something like that as a user name) inspiring- she took with her most of her ' typically masculine' characteristics forward through her transition to female- she plays soccer, loves sports bars, drinking games, is a bit of a stoner and so forth, I imagine friends said to her she wasnt girly enough...  lol.  Worth watching.


So welcome, and good luck!

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Reese,

Welcome to our little family. Over 11945 . That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother.


Janet  )O(

[gennee]

Hi Reese and welcome to Susan's. Your desire to live as a male is strong. You'll have ample opportunity
to do so when you're away at college.