Could I be making myself TG?

[Emmaline]

Is there a 'describe your dysphoria' thread?  Maybe useful.

Crippling is a good description of how I felt some days.
A lurching feeling when I saw photos of myself.
A sort of disconnect from parts of my body.  A numbness.
Ill at ease around men in my case.  A draw towards women that was not sexual.
A constant feeling I need to be somewhere else... like a nagging ache.
A distance between me and the guy in the mirror...  I could not care about that person
My brain feels tired quickly in social interactions with men.
A constant sense of being fake.
A mild sense of jealousy looking a females.  Moreso now I am aware of it, but before I was drawn to girls, would seduce them and keep them as friends... even when not attracted... it was a kind of  jealous act.
An icky feeling sometimes, like I need to shake out my limbs... but more like shake off the bulk.

Anyone resonate with that?

[kelly_aus]

To answer the OP's question in a clear and concise manner, no..

[Jess42]

I don't believe there is anything that could make you become transgendered. Why would anyone choose to feel this way or live their lives this way if it was controllable? It has probably been there a longtime and just now you are coming to terms with it and struggling to fully accept it which is causing you to seek out like minded individuals, reading articles and so on. 

[Amy The Bookworm]

  Posted just the quote somehow! Let me try this again.

Crippling is a good description of how I felt some days.
A lurching feeling when I saw photos of myself.
A sort of disconnect from parts of my body.  A numbness.
Ill at ease around men in my case.  A draw towards women that was not sexual.
A constant feeling I need to be somewhere else... like a nagging ache.
A distance between me and the guy in the mirror...  I could not care about that person
My brain feels tired quickly in social interactions with men.
A constant sense of being fake.
A mild sense of jealousy looking a females.  Moreso now I am aware of it, but before I was drawn to girls, would seduce them and keep them as friends... even when not attracted... it was a kind of  jealous act.
An icky feeling sometimes, like I need to shake out my limbs... but more like shake off the bulk.

Anyone resonate with that?

*slowly raises hand*
All except the part about seducing women out of jealousy. Though I do feel jealous of them at times, and am sexually attracted to them, but also prefer them as friends as well. The only time I feel jealous of them is when they 1) Go Shopping! and 2) when I stop and think about how easy they have it as far as looking feminine and pretty . . . something that I don't think is completely exclusive to trans women from cis women, as I know several who do the same thing. My sexual feelings for women are separate from those.

That being said it falls under the category of "No, not me . . . but I can definitely see how someone could be/feel that way".

I also don't have an icky feeling about my limbs that's repulsion. But I do feel awkward, especially when moving. I just feel like I don't move . . . right. like they should be thinner. It's like . . . like being a construction vehicle when I have the engine of a sports car. It's not disgusting to me . . . but it is awkward and doesn't feel right.

The rest of it? Check check check check check check check Big check, no, but I can understand it, and no, but I do feel my body isn't right in general so I can understand how someone else in my situation may feel/think of it differently.

[Lyric]

I'm someone who has been dealing with and studying "transgender" matters for a very long time (decades). I believe I can shed some light here.

Your first mistake is in assuming there is a singular condition known as "transgender". While there are plenty of people around here who consider transsexualism to be final fulfillment of any inclinations of this sort-- there are many different states of mind and many different ways to be. Our social conditioning makes us desire to consider ourselves a definite gender and be a man or a woman with no ambiguity. The reality is that there can be ambiguity. Even the most fully transitioned transsexual will always be of both genders to a considerable degree.

While you can try to pigionhole yourself as a man, woman or "transgender", in reality you are your own creation. I decided the best way to to deal with this matter is to look deeply into myself, understand what I want from my gender feelings and custom tailor a reality that fits that. All I'm becoming more of is myself.

~ Lyric ~

[Katelyn]

^ The problem is we live in a two gendered heterosexual society where if you don't fit into either gender cleanly, you don't feel like you can fit in.  And for the sake of group social interaction and being in organizations, makes me feel like one has to cleanly fit in to have a chance of success.

[Lyric]

^ The problem is we live in a two gendered heterosexual society where if you don't fit into either gender cleanly, you don't feel like you can fit in.  And for the sake of group social interaction and being in organizations, makes me feel like one has to cleanly fit in to have a chance of success.

It seems that way, for sure, but it's not as much as you'd think. The fact is, you stepped out of "normal" society the moment you realized you were not the gender it says on your birth certificate. The solution? Gravitate toward less ordinary groups of positive and tolerant people. There are plenty of people in the world who actually appreciate diversity-- even the gender kind. Spend as little time as possible among those who do not accept gender variation. Trust me, those people will never be your friends, anyway.

~ Lyric ~

[Katelyn]

I have thought about this as well. I have times where I go with being fine with being male to times where I cant stand it. I dont know sometimes. I have times where the idea of being a girl is disturbing, but others where it just seems right. I am lost and confused as well. I understand that feeling.

While the times that I'm fine being male are probably about less than 10%, I've had them and there are occasionally times where all my feelings and desires just go away and I do feel somewhat inclined to think that this transitioning desire is just something I made up. 

Also, I'm in general attracted to the female gender, be it girly / womanly things like beauty and pretty things to being female to being friends with girls / women to, yes, being with a woman in a relationship.  However, I wonder at times if I'm attracted to the female gender because of my romantic attraction to women.   I for instance don't in general have a desire to have a family or have children (though at times I have had some interest in being a mother and raising a girl if I transitioned and happened to be wealthy enough in the future, but probably an adopted girl, or even a trans-girl.)  Even my attraction to women, I do feel that if uninhibited, I would be bisexual, and if men were more trustable, I'd probably be more interested in being with them in a relationship.  Sexually I do at times get aroused with thinking of being with a guy.

My insecurity with transitioning has been based on things mentioned above as well as not feeling female all the time since young, and even when at times I do feel like I am female, uncertain if that's how females do truly feel.  If I look at my past, I loved dressing up since 12 years old in female clothing not just for the clothes, and not just for feeling feminine / girly, but because I loved to see my body as female, and female clothes enhanced my body.  I then bought a wig at 19 years old and saw myself in the mirror and identified with how I saw myself, as a girl with long hair, and felt since then that that's how I want to look.  Also, I felt indifferent about my penis, and never desired having sex with it other than to lose my virginity status, and much more identified with having a vagina and having sex with a vagina since at least 10 years ago.  I started reading a transwoman's transitioning journal maybe 15 years ago and thats what started my desire to transition.  Even before that, I saw a movie where a man would spontaneously change into a woman (Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde) back in 1996 and I desired that back then (and I started secretly dressing as a girl just 2 years prior), and I remember going to  AOL crossdresser forums in 1997 and at the time desiring to crossdress fulltime, and disappointed that noone else desired that, and by 2000 - 2001 I was fascinated with transitioning to the point that I was looking at a lot of transitioning websites and knew a lot about the transitioning process as well as the hormones. 

[Katelyn]

It seems that way, for sure, but it's not as much as you'd think. The fact is, you stepped out of "normal" society the moment you realized you were not the gender it says on your birth certificate. The solution? Gravitate toward less ordinary groups of positive and tolerant people. There are plenty of people in the world who actually appreciate diversity-- even the gender kind. Spend as little time as possible among those who do not accept gender variation. Trust me, those people will never be your friends, anyway.

~ Lyric ~

So would that be any groups that are lgbt friendly (including arts related communities) as well as certain subcultures?  Also, being in big cities as well.

[Emily Aster]

Another group that I've considered trying myself, but haven't yet, is a Unitarian church. From what I've heard, it's not a religion despite the word church in the name of the location. It's all about humanitarian efforts and dealing with current events. They also close their doors to nobody, i.e. all people are accepted.

I've thought about this because that's one of my downfalls. I get so filled with shame over being trans, that I end up just staying indoors and becoming so reclusive that I rarely interact with people. I need to learn to not only be comfortable in my own skin within the confines of my house, but also to feel the same way when I'm interacting with people in public. It's a major obstacle for me.

[kelly_aus]

While the times that I'm fine being male are probably about less than 10%, I've had them and there are occasionally times where all my feelings and desires just go away and I do feel somewhat inclined to think that this transitioning desire is just something I made up.

I had long periods in my life where I was seemingly happy living as a male..

Also, I'm in general attracted to the female gender, be it girly / womanly things like beauty and pretty things to being female to being friends with girls / women to, yes, being with a woman in a relationship.  However, I wonder at times if I'm attracted to the female gender because of my romantic attraction to women.   I for instance don't in general have a desire to have a family or have children (though at times I have had some interest in being a mother and raising a girl if I transitioned and happened to be wealthy enough in the future, but probably an adopted girl, or even a trans-girl.)  Even my attraction to women, I do feel that if uninhibited, I would be bisexual, and if men were more trustable, I'd probably be more interested in being with them in a relationship.  Sexually I do at times get aroused with thinking of being with a guy.

Perhaps ypu are simply attracted to feminine things because you are a woman? I had no great desire for a family either, but life seems to have conspired against me on that one..

My insecurity with transitioning has been based on things mentioned above as well as not feeling female all the time since young, and even when at times I do feel like I am female, uncertain if that's how females do truly feel.  If I look at my past, I loved dressing up since 12 years old in female clothing not just for the clothes, and not just for feeling feminine / girly, but because I loved to see my body as female, and female clothes enhanced my body.  I then bought a wig at 19 years old and saw myself in the mirror and identified with how I saw myself, as a girl with long hair, and felt since then that that's how I want to look.  Also, I felt indifferent about my penis, and never desired having sex with it other than to lose my virginity status, and much more identified with having a vagina and having sex with a vagina since at least 10 years ago.  I started reading a transwoman's transitioning journal maybe 15 years ago and thats what started my desire to transition.  Even before that, I saw a movie where a man would spontaneously change into a woman (Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde) back in 1996 and I desired that back then (and I started secretly dressing as a girl just 2 years prior), and I remember going to  AOL crossdresser forums in 1997 and at the time desiring to crossdress fulltime, and disappointed that noone else desired that, and by 2000 - 2001 I was fascinated with transitioning to the point that I was looking at a lot of transitioning websites and knew a lot about the transitioning process as well as the hormones.

Seems to me you know what you need to do, you are just a little lacking in self acceptance.

Some of the reasons you list for not having transitioned are precisely the bits of the 'standard trans narrative' that so few trans people ever really live.. I didn't know I was a woman from childhood, but I do know I'm a woman.

What's my point? My point is that you don't have to have followed the 'standard trans narrative' for transition to be a benefit.. Heck, according to the DSM, I'm not even trans.. And yet I am, I live my life as a woman

[Carlita]

Is there a 'describe your dysphoria' thread?  Maybe useful.

Crippling is a good description of how I felt some days.
Yes

A lurching feeling when I saw photos of myself.
Sometimes

A sort of disconnect from parts of my body.  A numbness.
Yes - the parts in question being my genitalia

Ill at ease around men in my case.  A draw towards women that was not sexual.
Ill at ease among men in a group, definitely: less so one-on-one. DEFINITELY drawn towards women!

A constant feeling I need to be somewhere else... like a nagging ache.
Oh God, absolutely!

A distance between me and the guy in the mirror...  I could not care about that person
Sometimes

My brain feels tired quickly in social interactions with men.
Again, yes, when it's 'all guys together' - just can't do that

A constant sense of being fake.
Yep

A mild sense of jealousy looking a females.  Moreso now I am aware of it, but before I was drawn to girls, would seduce them and keep them as friends... even when not attracted... it was a kind of  jealous act.
Again, I so recognise this - though I have (sometimes) felt regular lust towards women too. But it's never been that constant, demanding urge guys talk about


An icky feeling sometimes, like I need to shake out my limbs... but more like shake off the bulk.
God yes!

Anyone resonate with that?
Ooohhh yes! 

[Katelyn]

What's my point? My point is that you don't have to have followed the 'standard trans narrative' for transition to be a benefit.. Heck, according to the DSM, I'm not even trans.. And yet I am, I live my life as a woman

More people like you need to come out, it would have saved me and probably save others years of pain and limbo.

[kelly_aus]

More people like you need to come out, it would have saved me and probably save others years of pain and limbo.

I'm out... And I lurk around a few places.. Sometimes I get drowned out by others in the herd..

[Katelyn]

Actually this is more unique to transwomen because from what I've seen of FTM's, there are FTM's that never questioned their gender when they were young but then later in life transitioned and many don't even identify as men but as genderqueer, but they live as men.

More transwomen that don't fit the mold should come out IMO even if only for to help other MTF's lost, wandering in the desert.

[CallMeJess]

A lurching feeling when I saw photos of myself.

so my cover photo on Facebook for a while was one from a year ago and I just couldn't stand to look at it. I think photos of me now tend to be slightly more feminine thanks to being more feminine and those pictures are better to look at. It was just shocking to see a picture of me from a year ago and feeling a complete disconnect from that person despite not undergoing any physical changes.

[Ruthven]

See, my mum basically thinks I'm feeding into it by being on the internet. One time, she was on the phone with my brother, and as usual she mentioning me by birthname and this time I called her transphobic and then she starts saying something to him along the lines of her being fine with TV, but you can look up anything on the internet blah blah blah... I remember when I came out to her in November, and I said something about research, but I didn't just all of a sudden look up trans stuff and decided "hey let's totally do this for the lolz and go through this awesome thing called dysphoria which you can't really bring on yourself unless you really feel like a guy rather than what you were assigned as but whatever!"

For a long while I was feeling more androgynous or genderless but at the time I didn't know the words. Then I found myself  identifying more with males, and feeling male. Then I stumbled upon Loren Cameron, and it clicked. And I sat there looking at his body with tears in my eyes, knowing this was what I wanted for myself. But I was still ignorant to trans stuff, and didn't know about hrt. I thought the only way to get a more masculine shape was to work out like crazy, I love exercise and running and stuff, but it seemed impossible. And then I was thinking I'd never be a true guy, and more specifically, a gay guy. So I shut it away, suppressing it I guess, but then my true self could not be contained, and I learned about testosterone, was unsure about it for a while, but the more I researched it the more comfortable I became with it. I knew what I'd be getting myself into, same with top surgery. I don't dare or bother trying to explain this to my mum, she just won't get it and she'll probably just twist everything...

I'm lucky that I have a boyish sort of face already, and my body's a good base too, I have my dysphoria, and it can be real painful at times, but it'd be a lot worse if I didn't have such a good base going for me, and doing that power 90 workout with the weights has helped.

Man, there was also this one time, a few months ago, where she told she wasn't gonna let me take t and everything as long as I was under her roof and junk, and she was saying crap about how I take things to "extremes." Like, she brought up how I used to shave off all my body hair a few years ago and took long showers. She said something else too, don't remember, but I'm sitting there like wtf is she talking about? What's so wrong with shaving off all your body hair, and wtf does this have to do with gender? Then she asked me something along the lines of if I felt this way because of my chest(my chest is small thank the stars, and looks like weird round pecs, working out with weights has helped) and she was going off about how she doesn't have a big chest (she has good boobage going lol wtf is she talking about) I guess in her mind trying to make me feel better or something stupid, and I'm saying how it'd be awful if I had a bigger chest, and I don't remember what she said after that.

Wow, this has turned into a long rant, I'm just gonna keep going, I don't have anyone to talk to, except my brother who I think is respecting me and kinda getting it and is on my side so to speak.  She is just so irritating, I live all by myself in her house, no job (gonna send in my application to a horse farm for an apprenticeship and hopefully get accepted and get outta here) taking care of the twenty cats here, she stays at her fiance's apartment most of the time when she's not at work, so everything can be going swell, I'm feeling okay about myself, "I am Ruthven here me roar" lol, and then she comes home and within no time she starts birthnaming it up. She's the type of person who can say someone's name a lot when she's speaking to you, and it's even better when she manages to get pronouns in there(of course the wrong ones) even though you're the only one in the room with her. I'm usually correcting her and saying "Ruthven" but she just ignores me most of the time, expect for this one time she was basically all like "I can call you whatever I want!" And another time where she called me a "lady" and I was like "No I'm not!" An she was like "Yes you are!"  She really disgusts me sometimes... 

Some of the reasons you list for not having transitioned are precisely the bits of the 'standard trans narrative' that so few trans people ever really live.. I didn't know I was a woman from childhood, but I do know I'm a woman.

Same thing with me. I didn't feel like a dude since childhood, but then it just started unlocking or something when I was like 18 or so.

so my cover photo on Facebook for a while was one from a year ago and I just couldn't stand to look at it. I think photos of me now tend to be slightly more feminine thanks to being more feminine and those pictures are better to look at. It was just shocking to see a picture of me from a year ago and feeling a complete disconnect from that person despite not undergoing any physical changes.

Oh this reminds me of when my mum came home recently holding a very familiar camera. I started feeling very uncomfortable as it dawned on me that a few years ago, when I had long hair and wore makeup, I had taken pics cause I was trying to get a good one to put up for myspace when I was into that stuff (I actually never really was, I've always had social issues/anxiety and was only on there to connect with a guy I liked). I asked her what was on the camera, as I wasn't 100% sure those pics were still there, and she said "Pictures of you" and I'm just like horrified, and she wants me to come look, and I just leave the room, feeling sick. I couldn't believe her, how could she think I'd be comfortable with that? And when she left I was feeling angry too, cause she probably was gonna share them with her fiance, even though you'd think "oh these pics make him uncomfortable I shouldn't do that" I should've asked her to delete the pics or let me, lol I just know she would've spewed something like "this is my camera blah blah blah.."

I know back then I didn't know I was a guy, and hey guys, gals, agender and bigender peeps, and everyone we can all wear whatever clothes we like, and makeup and so on, but that wasn't me. Not any more, and that's why it made me so uncomfortable. I'd love to rock glittery nail polish and maybe some more feminine clothes sometimes, though I generally prefer "male" clothes, but I wanna wait til I'm on t for a good while, be more comfortable then. Besides, I know if I dared wear nail polish, my mum would use it against me and use it as fuel that I'm not a guy and trans.

[E-Brennan]

If only I could have been born 100 years down the road, where these issues were sorted out!

There are days where I am male (although reluctantly but it's suck-upable), and days when I'm female (and stuck in this body).  I'd be 10000000% happy if I could just wake up and see how I was feeling, and present as male or present as female and have nobody bat an eyelid.  Either put on the sharp suit, or put on the wig and makeup and pretty dress - no questions asked.

Oh well.  At least I wasn't born 100 years ago!  Things could be far, far worse.

[Zoe Snow]

Some of the reasons you list for not having transitioned are precisely the bits of the 'standard trans narrative' that so few trans people ever really live.. I didn't know I was a woman from childhood, but I do know I'm a woman.

What's my point? My point is that you don't have to have followed the 'standard trans narrative' for transition to be a benefit.. Heck, according to the DSM, I'm not even trans.. And yet I am, I live my life as a woman

I'm currently trying to come to terms with this myself.  After my first therapy session on Monday, it left me feeling like I needed to justify my dysphoria from an early age.  I can find points when growing up where I may have exhibited some of these characteristics, but by in large it was pretty close to "normal".  Its hard for me to describe, but I feel like for me its a desire to become female, not necessarily a need.  Its a desire that comes and goes, and seems to be getting stronger.  Is that enough to justify transitioning?  Its questions like that that I am having a really hard time finding answers for right now.  Deep down I know something is wrong, but finding ways to convince myself of that is proving somewhat difficult.  I don't fit the typical narrative, I don't see myself as a "girly" type of girl, I am me.  I sometimes wish that my life would fit the normal narrative, since it would make this so much easier to deal with and process, but thats not the case.  I'm getting the feeling that it may take me a while to work through all of this stuff with my therapist over the coming months.  About the only thing I think I can do right now is try to be open, and try to not suppress these feelings from myself, and see where they take me.

[kelly_aus]

I'm currently trying to come to terms with this myself.  After my first therapy session on Monday, it left me feeling like I needed to justify my dysphoria from an early age.  I can find points when growing up where I may have exhibited some of these characteristics, but by in large it was pretty close to "normal".  Its hard for me to describe, but I feel like for me its a desire to become female, not necessarily a need.  Its a desire that comes and goes, and seems to be getting stronger.  Is that enough to justify transitioning?  Its questions like that that I am having a really hard time finding answers for right now.  Deep down I know something is wrong, but finding ways to convince myself of that is proving somewhat difficult.  I don't fit the typical narrative, I don't see myself as a "girly" type of girl, I am me.  I sometimes wish that my life would fit the normal narrative, since it would make this so much easier to deal with and process, but thats not the case.  I'm getting the feeling that it may take me a while to work through all of this stuff with my therapist over the coming months.  About the only thing I think I can do right now is try to be open, and try to not suppress these feelings from myself, and see where they take me.

You know why you don't fit the 'typical narrative'? It's a lie. Almost nobody really fits it.

I'm not a girly girl, not in the least.. But I am undoubtedly a woman. I never suffered from body dysphoria, not the way it described around here. I have no need for SRS, although I'd have it if the opportunity arose.. I use the same voice I've always had. I'm a bit of a rebel..

Am I glad I've transitioned? Absolutely.. 100% the best decision I've ever made. Yes, my therapist and I did some hard yards before I started hormones, 4 months worth of it, at lest weekly visits. There's no way I'd ever go back.

Did I meet the 'narrative'? Hell no.. I don't even make the DSM definition, technically. Thankfully, I have an experienced gender therapist who was able to guide me on my journey. He was ready for me to start hormones before I was.