What are you thinking? (Ver 5.0)

[Adam (birkin)]

My brother has a friend over. She is really sweet and pretty, but hyperfeminine so hard to relate to at all. But I am freaking out because I shook her hand and for some reason am paranoid that my hand was sticky and that it grossed her out.

[Edge]

There's a film I've been wanting to see for awhile now, but I can't find it anywhere. I wonder when I'll be able to find it.

[King Malachite]

Dang....looks like for Christmas all I'm asking for is MONEY!

Oh and a certain brand of toothpicks, some coin wrappers, a pair of tweezers, and a disc launcher

Other than that, I'm asking for nothing but money.

[Devlyn]

It's nice to see some colour back in that pony.

[Beth Andrea]

What are you thinking?

Oh, for me, just the usual...why did I "shut down" just as I came home from work? (Everyday this happens, btw) Why am I bothering to continue breathing? Do I really believe things "will get better"? Why haven't I made dinner yet? (Oh, that's right, I've shut down.) Can I do anything besides play Freecell, look at Susan's, or FaceBook? (Seriously, that's all I can do once I've turned off for the evening)

Does this matter? I should go outside and say hi to the neighbors...*huge anxiety pre-attack*...oh well, maybe not...*anxiety attack drops to 18% strength*...hmm, wonder if there's any new posts on Susan's...Freecell, "game over, no more moves" (3 out of 7 games won, must reset the score)...Susan's new replies...unread posts...FaceBook...damn I'm hungry, I should make...no stay right in your chair, you're not moving!

*suicide ideation, suicide ideation, suicide ideation...* Hmm...music would be nice, but gotta finish this Freecell game...wait gotta check Susan's again...*suicide ideation, suicide ideation...*...*gotta make dinner, gotta make dinner, hungry, gotta make dinner*...FaceBook! A notification! Maybe upload a picture...

Almost time to call work about tomorrow...phone's on the table next to me...Susan's! A PM!! Yay!...remember, the phone...gotta call, gotta call...who? Oh yeah, work...Reply to the PM first...



This is literally what my mind is typically thinking when I'm home, after work and on the weekends.

Yes, I'm in therapy, and no, there is no danger of self-harm.

I don't know why I do this.

[of a sort]

I hope that the lady I steal pics from posts some updated ones soon....

[Beth Andrea]

I hope that the lady I steal pics from posts some updated ones soon....

LOL, yeah I know whut you mean...I <3 faceBook's "Dirty Angels" (pics of old angels in graveyards) and "Abandoned Asylums" (just what it sounds like...)

[LordKAT]

Beth has my life but replace facebook with netflix.  Never told the therapist. If I tire of netflix, no news on Susan's, even facebook is dead, then I play Runescape for days.

[Beth Andrea]

Beth has my life but replace facebook with netflix.  Never told the therapist. If I tire of netflix, no news on Susan's, even facebook is dead, then I play Runescape for days.

My twin!! Glad to meet you, LordKat...

It's now 810pm my time...I wrote the first post at 623...so it's been almost two hours.

And what have I done? Dishes? No. Dinner? No. Anything but FB, Susan's, and Freecell? Nope. I even missed my evening E pills (which I usually take between 6pm and 8pm)...

My the*apist has asked, "Where do you 'go' when you shut off?" I don't really know...sometimes I don't even remember the days at all. My computer has a history, so I can check it...and I know I only look at Susan's, FB, and occasionally YouTube.

One thing that is always very very common with the experience, is the sense of being in a "place" where there is no time, not at all. Like when the Flatlander gets picked up by "the apple"...he goes "up", but has no reference with which to point to "up", so when he gets back into his dimensions (only two) he can only sense the loss of the third dimension, but cannot point to it.

I'm like that, I sense a loss of the dimension of "time", and that is where I "go."

FML

[LordKAT]

Only stopping when so tired that I find myself face down on the keyboard. Enough sleep to kind of function at work. My meds get messed up too.

[Kristal]

Just got a message from someone who served with me on my boat. It turns out she's transsexual too! It's a small world... I feel sorry for her, she's got nine more months to go until her enlistment is up. She's talking about doing HRT while still in, but I don't know if she could get in trouble for that.

I've pointed her towards this forum, that's all I can do, really.

[Beth Andrea]

Only stopping when so tired that I find myself face down on the keyboard. Enough sleep to kind of function at work. My meds get messed up too.

Last night I went to bed about 1am...had to get up at 6am. Normally, I try to be in bed by 9...but that never happens. 1030-midnight is more usual.

Remembering my meds helped me come back to "reality" (such as it is LOL)...I wouldn't have remembered except for the post. I was able, once I got up and med'ed myself, to do the dishes as well.

But, no dinner. I do briefly think about going out to a restaurant, or maybe to the local LGBT bar (they have really good chicken strips)...but now I'm sitting again, and I've already felt my switches...*click click click*. Now I need to withdraw from my "timeless" zone...

[Beth Andrea]

Just got a message from someone who served with me on my boat. It turns out she's transsexual too! It's a small world... I feel sorry for her, she's got nine more months to go until her enlistment is up. She's talking about doing HRT while still in, but I don't know if she could get in trouble for that.

I've pointed her towards this forum, that's all I can do, really.

9 months...coincidentally, that's the time it takes for human gestation. Maybe if she thinks of her remaining time as such until her re-birth...

[Night Haven]

National Coming Out Day in the US is November 11, right?
I was reminded of that whilst looking through articles. Now I want to make a scarf in time for celebration. I've already got one for pansexual pride; genderqueer is lavender, white, and green, while neutrois (found it just now) is white, green, and black. I want to finish both of the latter, but I still need the right green for them.  Going to have to shop for yarn later. And rack up some free time.

Hm... Perhaps my binder will be here by then.

[Beth Andrea]

Love your butterfly avatar, Night Haven.



And actually, NCOD was October 11...

[Kristal]

9 months...coincidentally, that's the time it takes for human gestation. Maybe if she thinks of her remaining time as such until her re-birth...

ZOMG, SYMBOLISM!

I hadn't thought about that, I'll tell her that tomorrow. Speaking of which, I should be in bed as well, instead of awake and eating ice cream...

[~RoadToTrista~]

Mmmkay I completely changed my mind again. I'm just gonna go for a plain ol nursing degree instead.

[LordKAT]

Losing hip fat is both good and bad. My bony butt hates hard chairs, feels more normal though.

[Xhianil]

Losing hip fat is both good and bad. My bony butt hates hard chairs, feels more normal though.

I hate my bony butt, so so much, wish i had some padding on there.

[Shaina]

I hate my bony butt, so so much, wish i had some padding on there.

You can have some of mine. My butt's so big I somehow feel taller when I sit down lol