Fears and hopelessness.

[Ltl89]

First off, I'm absolutely happy that there are others with similar fears as I have.

That pretty much sounds like a fear every genetic girl knows as well (at least as far as I know). They are too tall, too little, too fat, too slim... You get the point. That said, I still understand that your case is special as you change your gender. But still, that's only a physical aspect of you, isn't it? There are genetic girls with beards. Do they get a partner? There are tomboys, do they get a partner? As you will be kinda spectacle while you transition, you won't be afterwards. You might not be Pamela Anderson, you won't be the "perfect" girl. But you will be a girl and isn't that waht you want?

Where I live there is a consulting service for transsexuals. And even if I didn't do anything else since then, I was there for mentoring. The transwomen that mentored me told me that it would be hard for family, but friends would accept it without any problems most of the time. Her rule of thumb was: The more genetically related the more problems. So if your family already knows, the major part is done. As MTF, your mother will have the hardest time.

You will pass eventually. As I was told the older you are the more equally the genders look like. (You could say: the more crinkles the less differences.) So while your body will feminize more and more with each year of transitioning, nature will help you as much.

I know that you didn't mean that, but you will never be the girl of your fantasy and neither are genetic girls. You'll eventually be a girl, but it wont be that of your fantasy; that's nothing even a genetic girl can achieve.

I know that things won't ever be perfect.  I just want things to come out okay.  Right now I have been on hrt for 40 something days and haven't had any results.  Granted, its been a low dose of estradiol without spiro (I just increased my e dosage and started spiro this week), but it's very scary to not know how I will turn out.  I probably fear to much, but it's where I am right now. 

Yes, family is the most difficult thing.  My mom can attest for that.

It is always interesting to see how common many of our fears are, and how we respond to them.
As many of you know I'm 'old' don't pass, never will, can't be in stealth.

I'm not a young chick with her life ahead.

Will I be alone?
Funny I have been lonely my entire life. When I transitioned I suddenly found heaps of friends, including a guy who liked me. We sort of started a relationship which hit me from blindside.

I couldn't leave the people who knew me. I was amazed that in fact that they joined me. I did not expect that. I have lost one colleague, who (sadly) is now being rejected by his fellow colleagues for his inability to accept me. A situation I find interesting.

I don't pass. Can't. As a young woman you will. It has not affected my life in anyway at all; to my total surprise.In fact now use it as a positive, if you want to know a celebrity I'm her.

Society is growing up. I know what it was like 50 years ago. Believe me it is growing up and more accepting by an awful lot.

And the more trans*men and trans*woman stand up and be counted the more accepting it is.

Finally it is hard. It isn't easy. But it is doable.

The alternative is misery.

Of that I can assure you.


Cindy

I guess it's hard to see the progress that has been made for me.  I know that there has been progress, but people are still close minded.  How close minded?  I don't know.  I'm finally learning the true feelings people hold about our community among those who are close in my life.  So far, the reaction hasn't been very warm.  Will that change?  I hope, but I don't know.  It's tough to see those you love hold fairly bigoted ideas on our community.  When taking that into account, one must think that the rest of society will be even more vicious than those who love you.  Maybe I am painting a dark picture in my mind, but this is my fear.  I do appreciate the positive experience you have and it does comfort me.  I hope I will find it the same way in due time.

LtL I can really relate to many parts of your first post. I have next to no friends myself, I am isolated and I worry that when I finally take the steps to begin a transition I wonder if the people who are left in my life would accept me. I often think that I'd just let them go and start again, it would be easier.

I can't offer you any encouragement or advice about coming out to your family and friends as I'm nowhere near that stage myself and there are people here who are in a much, much better position to give you advice.

So I guess what I am trying to say is, I know it must be incredibly difficult but you're not alone in your troubles.

Thank you for your support and encouragement.  Even though I have fears, I don't regret this decision.  So, I hope that comforts you about making your start. 

[Ltl89]

Hi iiii
I never suggested you can set up a goal and "then simply move towards it". However it has been proven over and over again that individual and organisations that have clearly set goals achieve far more than those who do not. When there is clarity of purpose, when you know why you are doing what you are doing, the obstacles and hassles  of day to day existance are far easier to handle. However just having an objective is not enough, you also need to do  some planning. In LtL's case for example, if getting money to do an FFS is the biggest issue so she's feels more comfortable about passing, (as you suggest in point 3 of your post)  what's the best way of going about it given where she is now? 

Regarding your second point I agree with you, up to a point, but I never suggested LtL repress herself. LtL or any of us are who we are and most of us have been aware of who we are for quite some time before deciding to transition. Some people, as evidenced by lots of other posts on this site, decide never to transition at all, in spite of being very aware of their condition and/or put things off until there are less obstacles to overcome. It is based on an implicit trade off between the cost of a transition, at a given point in time, and the expected benefits.

I can be quite poetic at times but this is a subject which is deadly serious especially when you are 24 years old with all of your life ahead of you. I have kids that are in the same age bracket as LtL and to be frank, I would go nuts with frustration if they sacrificed their ability  to live their full potential as human beings for short term gain. Happily for me they haven't!

Personally, much later on in my life with that much less to lose than someone as young as LtL, (far more of my life behind me than in front of me)  I still took it very easy with my transition because I still did not want the cure to be worse than the disease. As it happens, from every point of view it appears to me that LtL is asking herself exactly that question ie. when all is said and done, is it worth transitioning?

I didn't get into the relationship side of things because it would have made my replies, written late in the evening and very early in the morning far too long. However I really buy into Sephirah's answer which was probably more eloquant that anything I would have come up with. Positive relationships with others start with self acceptance.  However, I think you can reach self acceptance without doing a transition, it simply means accepting that being TG is not something to feel any shame about and just feeling OK to be youself. It was certainly the case for me and a necessary first step before even considering transition. I could also add that this self acceptance opened the door for me to get into the most positive relationship in my life, my second mariage. I was honest about who I was from day 1 but that did not lead to rejection and our relationship has only grown stronger over the years.

Another thing that helps dramatically in terms of self esteem and the feeling that you have some control over your existance is financial independance.

So I focused on the practical side of things because no matter what our feelings we have regarding our identity, just surviving, being able to pay the bills, has got to come before anything else. So, if I was LtL, that is what I would focus on today, even if it means putting her transition on the backburner for a while.

End of the day though, it is all LtL's choice. All we can do is help clarify the questions that need to be asked, ideally in a level headed manner.
Warm regards.
Donna

   

Well, I am focused on today and don't believe transitioning will only be a short term gain.  Transitioning is something I need to do, so I see it as part of my long term plan for happiness.  All my other plans are still in gear (like my goal of going to grad school). The problem is that I can't control how others will react to my transition.  And this won't change if I do it today or years down the road.  You are right that I need to work on my self confidence.  That is something I am working on in therapy.  But my main issues in life have always been related to my dysphoria.  I can't detach myself from it when the problems stem from it.  It isn't something I can live with for years down the road.  Overall, my main fear right now is how others will see me and whether I will be able to live through constant rejection (if that is what I go through).  No amount of planning can solve that. At least, not to my
knowledge.  Though, I do acknowledge I need to learn to be okay with rejection and self reliant regardless of how others view me once I start trying to pass. Which is why I am in therapy,lol.

First, I just want to say, what a wealth of heartfelt  insight and wisdom on this page. What a help it could have been to me, many years ago, but definitely a huge help now.

LtL, you and I have both been on hormones about the same amount of time, and seem to have many of the same fears. One difference, I'm more than twice your age. You are already so far ahead of me. Please understand that what I say below is directed as much to myself as to you or anyone else.

I too fear what others will think, how they will react. My family and the few friends I have all live far away, so basically I'm alone also. I sometimes think I'll just disappear, and they'll never hear from me again. Then I think, no, I can't do that, eventually, they'll wonder what happened to him?

I also think about relationships and usually just say I'm done with them. What I should say though is I don't want to be used and hurt yet another time. But I do wonder, being a woman and not being attracted to men, it's the unknown that I fear.

Passing. I observe women around me whenever I'm in stores or malls and I'm amazed. Most of the women I see dress sloppily, take up more space than they should etc. The women that stand out (to me) are the few that dress, and act like women and show some class. I think we all give passing far too much emphasis. I know I need to learn to smile back at people who stare, something I feel will come with experience. (I hope)

Does it really matter what others think? Do they live our lives? No they live their lives, we live our lives. So, we need to plan our lives for us and us only. Then, and only then will be able to have the true confidence to project onto others which will bring us new friends, possible relationships. And we must have a plan. I don't believe in goals, they are either too limiting or set too high. Plans are essential though. Plan YOUR life FOR YOU.

When I was young I had no plan so I let others control me. I hated myself and tried to hide under drugs and alcohol, twenty years of my life. You must have a plan and live your own life.

Is transitioning really for you? Only you can answer that question, but it seems to me (maybe) you already have. For myself, I have no choice, I have finally accepted that, and I know that my only choice is to go forward. I cannot go back.

Remember Indiana Jones, standing on the edge of that chasm? He had done his research, and he knew there was a path across to the other side. But he couldn't see it. It took great courage, faith, and confidence, but he took that first step. And yes, there was a path. You and I have done our research, we know there's a path to the other side. We know it because of all the others who have traversed the path before us, many right here at Susan's. But you and I can't see that path, we don't know what we'll face along the way, so it's hard. Dr David Hawkins said in one of his books (don't remember which) "Life is hard, the average person has to make seventy plus decisions every single day, and many days it's well over a hundred."

It isn't easy, but, I think it can be kind of an adventure too. We just have to stay focused, and stick to our plan.

I hope this helps at least a little.

Take care!

I see what you mean about planning in most aspects, but how can we plan how others perceive us?  Do we really have control in the matter?  If someone dislikes transwomen and we don't pass, isn't it beyond our ability to change this person's mind.  I guess my fear is that I will face many people like that.  Hostile people who will continuously reject me.  Perhaps that is a false image, which I hope, but that's my big concern.  If the world were all hugging and accepting of us, I would have no problem; however, I don't think we are anywhere near there.  Yet, I do acknowledge it's probably no where near as bad as I imagine. 

[mrs izzy]

I really wish me and you could just get out around people together. I would show you that what people think does not matter. I have been in your shoes or the been there done that and have the t shirt. Just a FYI everything you are feeling are what the thousands that have gone before you and the millions who will come after you will be feeling and have the same fears. I was among them. I have found you need to get a little thicked skin in a hurry if you wish to make your path a easier path traveled. Trust me it is and will be the hardest thing you will ever do in your life, but there is a happy light at the end of the tunnel. Every fear you have i had, but i failled to let PEOPLE live my life for me any more. There is not one person in this world who has the right to stop me from being happy about myself, and the same goes for YOU. Everyone who does not accept do it out of there own fears of what others will think or might think about them and they then will turn this onto you and make you seem the bad person. All this so they do not feel hurt but at the sametime its all ok for you to be hurting deeply inside. When i first read your post last night i got very emotional knowing i was there and survived all the nay sayers. As i said this will be the hardest, hardest thing you will do in your life and it might come down to loosing people close to you. Going to hurt but trust me the gender dysphoria you can not surpress all your life (also been there done that) and that will hurt even more.

As anyone know you get out of life what you put into it. Nothig is every cut and dry and yes we do not live in a cookie cutter society, everyone is different in there own way and we need to stop judging others. I have been at this since 1999 full time since 2005 finished and dusted this past April. I do not give a rats @ss what people might think of me because they do not walk in my shoes everyday. I make myself happy for me and not them. and if they do not understand they there loss.

Just a quick my life timeline
started part time dressing in public, felt everyone looking at me, was not true just Paranoia. (was called mam can i help you) un-unnessary fear.

my x also keeped saying you will loose everything if you go full time, ie kids, her, job, family, be along all your life, no money..... all the normal fears.
i went full time Jan 2005 and never looked back, well out of my x's list the only thing out of that list i lost was her. Thing is i remarried in 2006 to someone who does not judge me. so to my x i would say I win (grs april this year)

It all came down to me not giving up on myself. Not caring what others think, keep working on things one at a time and not giving into what others want or wish. But i have cried many, many times. Felt like total crap many, many time but i refused to let society live my life for me....

Huge hug Girl. Keep your head held high. Do not give up on you.

[Rachel]

I was picking up a script ( pharmacy is in the gayborhood next to my LGBTQ family health center) today and while driving through the Gayborhood in Philadelphia. I saw a very tall Trans* girl, pretty, with a bright yellow tight shirt, high tight shorts, awesome legs and her guy next to her. I also saw two guys great each other with a kiss on the lips. It was on a busy street corner. No one cared. It could be because it is a common occurrence or it expected there or no one cares. I just felt good being there. Odd to explain, other than I fit in.

I saw a lot of people going through their lives being themselves and happy.

I too am apprehensive of how others see me now (present male), will see me and how I will see myself through their eyes. I understand your fears and I feel better being myself than someone else. How I will look and present, I do not know, but I intend to find out.

I hope you can find a place where you too can feel good.

[Amelia Pond]

LTL,

Your fears are the same fears that many, if not all, of us have had about transitioning. I recently went full time with only 3 months of HRT under my belt and I was deathly afraid of not passing. I've felt ready to go full time for awhile now and never had the courage until my therapist gave me a much need push. Apparently I had nothing to worry about because according to the Do I Look Female thread, I do pass. Yeah that's me and not you but the point is that I didn't think I'd ever pass, I've even considered de-transitioning because I was so afraid I wouldn't pass. I've never been happier than I have since going full time.

Have you ever really looked at the average cis woman's face? One of the things that helped me build up some optimism was that most cis women have what can be considered masculine qualities. I imagine that these women never had their femininity questioned or at least not on a daily basis; it's possible to pass even with strong masculine qualities.

Will you ever really, truly know if you pass? There are some drop dead gorgeous women on this site that still see a man staring back at them in the mirror. Yet when I see them, it's like, how can you not see how beautiful you are? So in your mind, you may never pass. I think if you feel like you need to transition then you need to transition and try not to sweat the little things. Who knows, even if you end up not passing, you may not care at that point and be happy being your authentic self?

As for the relationships in your life, future or current. You may find that your family is so opposed to your transition because they're afraid of losing the person they love. With my situation, I had been with my wife for 16 years when I came out to her 7 months ago and her initial reaction was wanting a divorce, keeping our kids from ever seeing me until they reach 18 and to kick me out of the house. Let me tell you something, none of that stuff has happened yet and recently I've gotten her to admit that she wants to stay married to me and make things work even with my transition still going forward. It's still up in the air but still it's an improvement. Now your parents and siblings are a different story but you may find that your family will come to accept you for who you are, you may not but it does take time. Maybe you can compromise and promise only to do HRT if they allow to continue living there?

No matter what, whether you're outgoing or shy, passing or not passing, you can find worthwhile relationships with people who care about who you are and not what you look like. Even if you end up being the most beautiful woman in the world, you may only find a scumbag that only wants you because you're attractive and treats you poorly. There are a lot of "what ifs" in all of these scenarios but if you're too afraid to do what you feel needs to be done then all of the positive changes that you could make in your life will always remain what ifs, along with any negative changes. You're the only one that can really decide what you need to do to make your life better.

As for fear #2, you can leave everything/everyone behind if you really feel that you need to and have a fresh start, only keeping the people from your old life who accept you for who you are in your life. However, like everything else, people might surprise you. After going full time I realized that I finally needed to come out to my in-laws. My father-in-law is extremely anti-LGBT and my mother-in-law isn't really anti-LGBT but tries not to concern herself with things that pertain to us. When I came out to them, they said if that's what I need to do to make myself happy then they were fully supportive of me. I was afraid to come out to them for a long time and like many other things the only thing I had to fear was fear itself. Once again, it may not go as well for you but then again it might as well or better. Don't let your fears get the better of you and keep you from doing what you feel like you need to do.

Fear #3, I know this is going to be very difficult but try to have some optimism. Don't let your fears, especially things you can't control (this goes for anything that goes with transitioning), eat away at you; you end up being your own worst enemy. Right now you're young, the only people that have more likelihood of passing better than you are trans kids that start HRT before puberty starts. The younger you are, the better the chances are that you'll get good results. Of course with everything else YMMV but you have for more to look forward to than you do in fearing what might or might not be.

My family always tells me I will never look the way I hope.

I absolutely hate that your family is doing this. However, try to understand that they always saw you as a man and are most likely afraid of losing you which is why they don't want you to be around them while transitioning. Understanding that, my wife and teenage son are exactly the same way, they still tell me that I look like a man. Yet if I ask anyone else, whether it's friends, family (aside from them), complete strangers or other women from this site, they all say I pass. Who should I believe? I'm going to believe the people with the least amount of bias and understand that my wife and son can't see me for who I am because they would feel better if I would just be a man. The problem with that is, I'm a woman and anyone that doesn't like it can deal with it; I'm transitioning for me not them. This is all easier said that done but try to ignore the toxic people and move on with your life.

I guess I fear that my life will only get worse.  As much as I want this and feel I HAVE to do this, I don't know how to get through it or if doing so will make things better...  All my problems will exist and running away won't allow my fears to be solved.  But then what do tou do if you can't solve them?    If I don't pass, they will persist and even get worse.

**trigger warning**
This is more of what I said before, you can't let your fear rule your life, a lesson I still have to learn myself regarding many things. If you don't try to do what you feel you need to in order to make yourself happy, you'll always be miserable. If I listened to my wife about my transition, especially early on, I wouldn't be transitioning today and most likely would have killed myself; which I've come very close to doing in the past few months. Now I couldn't be happier with who I am, despite what anyone else thinks.
**end of trigger warning**



I hope I didn't sound preachy or anything, just trying to relate my experiences as a fellow woman in transition. I hope you find a way to achieve the happiness that you deserve, no matter what that ends up being.

And sorry for the long post, didn't realize I typed that much. 

[Donna Elvira]

I know what you mean Donna.  I should be developing a better plan on how to accomplish this financially.  I am taking care of these things as best I can at the moment.  However, I don't think there is a way to make a plan on how to pass, to get others to accept you for who you are and to not judge you.  Most of this is out of our hands.  I know we talk about hormones this, FFS that, but that only does so much in terms of passing.  There are never any guarantees.  Having money is great and it can allow one to invest in their transition but even all the money in the world can't make you pass.  Besides I have no plan on FFS.  I have been told I don't need it, and I would never get work done on my face.  It's too frightening to me.  For the most part, passing is something that is out of our hands.  We are either lucky with the results we get or we aren't.  I'm just frightened that I won't get decent or okay results.  I don't think there is a plan we can make to pass.  That's what scares me.  What if the hormones don't work?  There isn't anything I can do about that.  That's what makes me hopeless about it.  And the same can be said about societal reactions.  I can't plan how everyone else sees me.  If they judge me or see me as a weirdo because of my trans status, then that is how they will see me.  The fear is not having control over my own future because much of these aspects are out of my hands.

Thank you for your kind words.  I hope confidence will come with transitioning.

I was a political science major.  My goal is to study Comparative Politics in grad school, but sometimes I consider political psychology.  I have to make up my mind soon,lol.

LtL
I'm sorry but based on actual personal experience I don't agree with very much of what you say above. When I started out on my own journey, I had pretty well all the same fears as you expressed in the first post on this thread; rejection by all , losing my job, never passing etc. etc.. So, since I am a pretty down to earth, practical sort of person, I thought about how I could go about things in a manner which allowed me to handle both my own fears and the fears of those who were closely connected to me. I also thought a lot about what being a woman meant to me. There is a specific thread on this somewhere else on this forum.

The very first conclusion that I came to was that I would only transition if I was very credible as a woman ie. I passed without any difficulty. I am far too much of a social being to be able to handle isolation and rejection so, both for my own pleasure and the comfort of those who count in my life, if I was going to live full time as a woman, I was going to look the part. By the way, all of this thinking really started taking shape in 2008! That by the way is the sort of thing I am talking about when I refer to clarity of purpose and having clear objectives, nothing more.

So when I started HRT in 2008 only one person in the world other than myself was aware of all of this, my wife. This was also a very important point for me. I came out to almost no one until I was absolutely sure of where I wanted to go. This was also my deal with my wife, it was our little secet.

Physically, the only thing I had going for me was a very slim build with quite anrrow shoulders for a guy and pretty good skin. Otherwise, I was as masculine in appearance as you can find and am tall even for a guy, about 6' 1".

At the physical level, apart from growing nice size breasts,  improving my skin, eliminating all my body hair and some fat redistribition, HRT did nothing spectacular for me, especially to my face.  Very much a realist, I had started looking at FFS from the outset and finally decided to do something about it in 2011, 3 years after starting HRT. Up until this point I had still spoken to no one about my intentions other than my wife so this meant I still had plenty of wiggle room depending on how things worked out. Regarding FFS, I also decided to do it in two steps so that the changes were gradual. In July 2011 I did the typical upper face procedures; forehead, rhino, cheek implants, blepharoplasties... I also came out to my kids who could simply not not notice these changes.I explained my projects but also told them that I would only see it all through if the end result allowed me to continue functioning pretty normally in society. This reassured them, as it has reassured my wife from the beginning, and I didn't confront them with anything more radical than that until autumn 2012 when they finally got to see me presenting as as woman. They are now comfortable enough with what they see that they have no issue introducing me to friends...Mostly recently, my 20 year old daughter came to stay with me for a few days with her best friend leading to some very interesting and amusing conversations on women's place in business as both are in business schools.

After my first FFS surgery, I told my friends that I had simply done a rhino and bleph as I had always hated my nose, a real honker. Since no one could imagine for a second what I was really doing, my story was believed.

Since the 1st phase of my FFS worked out very well, during the winter  2011-12 I finally decided I was going to see all of this through so from early 2012 I finally started to come out to my closest friends.

Summer 2012 I came out at work and announced my intention to do lower face FFS. Initially my employers were OK with this agreeing that I could go full time when working in the office but would still present male to our clients until we were all happy that I was credible living openly as a woman. Unfortunately, one or two people (this was a very small managment consulting firm) were clearly very uncomfortable with this and end Oct 2012 I was told I was being terminated. I was 55 at the time and this news was pretty devastating. I thought my life was over and felt huge distress about having brought this on the people I love, most of all my wife. The few weeks following this were probably among the most dfficult in my life. Happily, I had one little branch I could still cling on to, the consulting job I was then doing (presenting as a guy) was going really well and there was an open  position I thought i was very well qualified for. I told the GM about my interest for the position and the rest is history, I got the job and moved seamlessly from my previous position to where I am now.

I started in my new position still presenting as a guy ( a temporary backward step)  but with a more and obviously female appearance as the results from my second FFS surgery settled (plus hair implants I did last Dec). I came out to my boss one month after I started in my new job and we agreed to leave the subject aside until we knew each other better ie. we would rediscuss in the autumn.

As it happens,beginning July, my boss took the intiative of telling me that he thought it over a lot and finally he was OK to support my transition and even put all of his weight behind it to ensure I suffered no discrimination at any level because of it. He didn't do this because of my good looks or whatever  , he did this because he appreciated what I have brought to the job and believes it could be even better if I am allowed to be fully myself.

So this week I came out individually to all of my colleagues on the management team and what do you think happened? They mostly expressed relief that they finally understood the "mystery" behind my appearance, that they had already picked up on the fact that I was very feminine in the way I reacted to things, the way I wrote etc..and even congratulated me on my decision to go through with this. After a chat which generally lasted 15-20 mins we then just went back to work! In French we say "il faut savoir attendre pour cueillir le fruit quand il est mur" ie. you need to know how to wait to havest a fruit when it is until ripe. That has been my approach to transition and in spite of a major setback last autumn, it has worked out better than I ever imagined.

However, based on my previous experience, I still won't be fully comfortable that I am at the end of this journey until I am out to everyone in the company and living day to day in my job without anyone paying any particular attention to me other than on what I bring to the party. However, compared to 5 years ago, my confidence that all of this is going to work out very well, is now extremely high.

It is probably also worth pointing out that since last year, I have come out to everyone else that counts in my life too and have been living full time in every aspect of my life except work. A bit like Cindy and others, I no longer have any complexes about saying who I am whenever necessary but, believe me, I was nowhere near being able to do any of that this time 5 years ago when I decided to set things in motion. I also allowed myself all of that time to build the confidence necessary to be able to announce to my colleagues very simply that I am Transgender, always have been and that after years of internal conflict I will be finally going the whole way sometime over the next few months. This level of confidence has also been a huge factor in the reactions I have been getting. My own sense of comfort makes others feel comfortable so that they end out sort of saying that finally it is no big deal. I also really do believe that the fact that they can see and feel the woman has helped dramatically but maybe I think that bacause it is what I have thought all along.

Anyway, when you read all of this, maybe you will understand why I say some of the things that I do and hopefully you will also get some insights that are useful to you as you try to find your own way forward.
Warmest regards.
Donna