Hi all
Those of you who have read my posts over the last few months should have at least picked up on the fact that I have given myself a lot of time to get through my transition. I guess it started formally with my first venture into HRT back in September 2008 and since then I have been moving forward, step by step, in a manner designed to insure that the cure was not worse than the disease. For me, this meant preserving my relationships and my professional career, an excellent level of "passability" probably being a prerequisite for both.
I have been living full time as a woman in all aspects of my private life for almost a year, an experience that has worked wonders for my confidence as I have come to realize that I now really am "passable" and that all the people who count in my life have adapted very well to the new situation.
On this particular subject, I was moved to tears yesterday by the content of a testimonial letter my eldest daughter provided to me to support my application for a civil identity change. Of my three children she was the one who had the most difficulty accepting my plans yet she wrote:
"These last two years, I have observed a huge change in my father, who, in parallel to extensive cosmetic surgeries, has adopted female dress since coming out and explaining the situation to his (her) children. His (her) personality has also changed with the emergence of a far more gentle side and a shift in his(her) centers of interest towards far more feminine pursuits."
And
« Today, my father is no longer at all the man we used to know and it is becoming difficult to accept this ambiguous situation where everything about his appearance and personality is feminine while his (her) official identity remains masculine »
What moved me most was her straightforward recognition of what she has observed and I guess it was also very reassuring to me regarding the perceptions of someone who was not happy and is still not very happy about this change.
Transitioning at work was the last obstacle and this is also now happening, opening the door to completing my transition, including civil identity change, over the next few months.
Since my boss told me he would actively support my transition early July, things have really accelerated. Last week I came out individually to almost all of my colleagues on the company management team (a couple of people are on vacation), and the reactions went from benevolent neutrality to very supportive. I will be coming out to the whole company either after a vacation I'm talking late October or after the year-end holidays.
On the back of all of this, I will be going out to dinner this evening as Donna with two of these people, one man and one woman, both having said they saw no problem with this. I showed them photos last week just so they knew what to expect..
All of this is really positive but also has me thinking that this is finally it, I am burning my last bridges and there is no longer any going back. It's the sort of moment that really does give pause for thought, especially as I am now putting together all the documents I need to make my civil identity change request too.
More than anything, this has me thinking that I will have to do GRS shortly as I have come to realize that I would be very, very uncomfortable having finally completely assumed my female identity in every dimension of my existence and still having my male parts. I can theorize all I like about my female brain, I simply cannot dissociate the physical from the mental and would always feel like a fraud while this is not resolved. There are also simple practical issues like being able to everything a cis woman does without any discomfort to either me or others. Finally, it may be a requirement for my civil identity change but as the laws are not clear, I may be able to get this done without GRS as long as I can convince the court that the changes already made are sufficiently irreversible. I'll know before the end of the year.
So that's going to be another challenge and I would be very interested in hearing from anyone out there who is in a similar position to me ie. a very demanding, high profile position and who has successfully coped with doing GRS on the job.
Bises à toutes et à tous.
Donna
