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I wish I never did all this

Started by Joe., August 12, 2013, 07:04:55 PM

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Joe.

I wish I never came out. I wish I never messed up everything. I wish I was never born.

I can't do this. Everyone is starting to see me as a guy. Parents say to their kids whilst I'm working "give the money to the man then", people see me with a grown up and say "wow is this your son? He's grown up" for them to say no actually that's my friends daughter. I'm passing more than ever, which is wonderful, but this journey is so damn hard. I'm going to have to come out to everyone and tell them. I'm going to lose half of my family. Probably all of my family. I never see them anyway, so what's the point? I wish I saw them though. Everybody goes on about family and it tears away at me that I sit at home every day with no friends or family. Sure, my parents are there in the evening, but all my mum does is put me down.

Why couldn't I just be happy as a girl? I wish my parents would of never had me, their life would be so much happier. All I am is this messed up piece of crap that nobody wants.

I'm going to lose everything. Is it really worth it? If I dress myself up in a dress and put make up on maybe I'll like it. But I won't. I've tried it and I don't. What if I regret this in a few months time? It's going too fast. The weeks are going too fast. I want this more than anything. I'd do anything to make this go away.

I hate my life right now. If my parents had just conceived at another time, they would of had a whole different child altogether and the world would be a much better place.
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mrs izzy

OK.. What you all talk about was things i felt myself. Yes this is a living hell at times but take a second and look around you here at everyone else that is going through the same issues.

I am sorry you feel the way you do but its not all true. I know standing where you are it feels like that and i understand, been there done that. But it just that fears. And so what if you might have someone not understand walk away from your life. As much as you have no control over any others lives the have no control over yours.

For me i hate to see ones early in there transition having these feelings. I wish i had a magic word to tell everyone to make it all go away. I have not found the magic word other then LIVE. Live your life to its fullest and you will be rewarded in time. If my husband gave up when he was in the same place you are i would not be married to the most wonderful man in the world.

I stand here today as a example that yes this is hard, somedays are better then others, most are not. Do not give up, take things one step at a time and maybe you need to move into the next step? Also a FYI there is no law or requirement you have to expose yourself as being GID. Its no ones business unless you feel they should know.

Hugs and hope this helped a little. Always here if you need. I also have this old flashlight shinning in the darkness to help you stay on your path in life.

Hugs
Izzy
Mrs. Izzy
Trans lifeline US 877-565-8860 CAD 877-330-6366 http://www.translifeline.org/
"Those who matter will never judge, this is my given path to walk in life and you have no right to judge"

I used to be grounded but now I can fly.
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Yuki-jker86

Joey, it's not nice that you should feel this way.
you said you live at home with no friends and your mum puts you down. I think you need to go out and make friends. I think that if you can meet some people and spend time socialising, you will start to feel more positive.
I remember in the past when I was feeling really down, I had to go out and spend time somewhere else. look around my town, go to different shops and the museum and the church etc.  then meeting new people, in time it becomes more fun and life is brighter.

Cindy

It can be lonely and it is tough but life does and will get better. You are off to uni soon, another world that is far more accepting.
Sorry you were born? I'm not sorry you were born, it has given me a chance to get to know a remarkable young man who has enriched my life. It has allowed a person of profound feelings to face the world. The world will be better place for your contributions.

Yes we have days of terrible despair, but they make us stronger, even if we hate it at the time.

Hugs
Cindy
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Miss Jill Thorn

hi Joey,I noticed  two words in your post,hate and happy,I know what hate can do to a person if you let hate continualy dwell within you it will bring you down so I suggest to you to reachout to  find that word happy,look for a plan to develop happiness and proceed full speed ahead in that direction,hugs from Miss Jill in alabama
:-* :-*
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Arch

Kiddo, I might not post in your threads very often, but I do think about you a lot. I admire all the people who are struggling with this at such a young age. Yes, that means you. I figure that if I had such a hard time from twenty-six to forty-six (and beyond), then what must it be like for someone even younger than that?

You can try to girlify yourself. It might even work for a while. Hell, you might discover that you have an androgynous or genderqueer streak. But if you don't, then resistance is futile and you will be fighting only yourself. I should know. I did it unknowingly for over ten years, from about sixteen to twenty-six. I did the long hair, occasionally wore dresses, drew the line at all of the makeup and crap that my mother kept giving me, and spent hours and hours inside my head every week, living as a boy. Then, in my waking hours, I wondered why I was so bitterly unhappy.

Finally, I discovered what I was. And for another twenty years, I knowingly struggled with my condition and avoided doing anything about it.

Most of us FTMs seem to go through a denial phase, a why-me phase, an I-can-be-a-girl-if-I-try phase. Maybe we go through these cycles several times. But the end result for most of us is still the same: we deal with our families as best we can, we find a way to get what we need, and we start living our lives the way we want.

You have to hang in there, keep making plans, and ask for help from whoever is willing to give it. And accept that sometimes you WILL hate your life--that happens even to non-trans people. But get stuff done during those hateful times. Make progress on something, anything--if not transition, then school, a part-time job, your sanity.

My ex used to say that sometimes you have to just "gress"--not make progress, not slip back, just stay where you are--but that works for only so long. It doesn't work well for trans people who need to transition but haven't done it yet. I know that you don't have full control over your own life yet, but you need to actively plan and be ready to jump at the first opportunity. And to do that, you have to stay alive, finish whatever education you need, and so forth.

What is your plan for improving your situation? If your current plan calls for just surviving a little while longer, how can you make that happen? What can you do every day to keep going? We will support you, but YOU have the power to do it. You really do.
"The hammer is my penis." --Captain Hammer

"When all you have is a hammer . . ." --Anonymous carpenter
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big kim

Stay strong mate it will be better!You'll lose "friends" and gain more,your family will come round
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Pia Bianca

Quote from: Cindy on August 12, 2013, 10:52:46 PM
Sorry you were born? I'm not sorry you were born, it has given me a chance to get to know a remarkable young man who has enriched my life. It has allowed a person of profound feelings to face the world. The world will be better place for your contributions.

Yes we have days of terrible despair, but they make us stronger, even if we hate it at the time.
Cindy, sometimes you are talking by guess and by gosh and insult people without meaning it. But on the other hand you write those words which touch my heart and which are so true.

I couldn't have written it better. In fact I'm not able to write nearly as elaborated words as you did. But it expresses what I feel in my heart.

Joey, you might not have many friends where you live, but for some people in the forums you are much more important than you might recognize. I cannot tell when, but I had times when I was just agreeing by heart with what you wrote. Keep going, you'll have a better time!
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Amelia Pond

Joey,

I've often felt like you have. All your worrying is doing is hurting yourself. As you know, transition is not easy but if that's what you need to do to be happy, you need to get past all of your fears and move forward, otherwise you'll always be miserable.

I was where you are not that long ago because I had such a hard time with my wife. I wanted to make her happy so badly even if it made me miserable, a week before I went full time, I was seriously considering to detransition just so we could be together and she could be happy. Do you know what happened?

My supporters helped give me a much needed push to make further progress in my transition and go full time. After my first day of full time, there is NO WAY I'm ever going back to being a guy ever again. Most of the anxiety/depression that I've had for my entire life, melted away. For the first time in my life, I was happy with who I was and I wanted to live life to the fullest. I also realized that if my wife couldn't accept this, as much as I love her, I was finally ready to move on without her.

She ended up surprising me, the day after I went full time, she said something very cruel and had me reduced to tears, so I ran off. She followed me because she felt bad and that was the first time that she was willing to sit down and talk to me and decided that she wants to be with me no matter what gender I am, because she loves me. Sometimes, the people that are/seem to be the most against you, can really surprise you. The only way to know is to push past all of negative and think about the positive. :)

As far as family goes, a family is not a group of biological relatives, a family is made up of people that you care about and that care about you, that's what's important to remember. There are many people that aren't biologically related to me that I consider family and there are many people who are biologically related to me that I don't consider family. At Susan's, you do have a family, even if you're unable to believe that every single one of us cares, you know very well that many if not most or all, do care about your well being, Joey. We don't want to see anything bad happen to you and we'd all like to see you finally achieve the happiness that you deserve. :)

Please stop dwelling on what you can't control (i.e. other people) and focus on what you can control and how happy you'll be once you get past all the difficult stuff. :)

Amy
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bethany

Joey, No one ever said transitioning was easy. I don't know about others but I wouldn't be transitioning if I didn't have to.  It sounds like you are close to rounding the corner if not already past it. People are seeing you as a man. Your parents friends should not be referring to you as their friend's daughter but as their friend's SON! For that is what you are.

QuoteWhy couldn't I just be happy as a girl?
I asked myself that same question just in reverse. I tried for 46 years to be happy as a male it just simply didn't work. I was miserable. I am not transitioning to make anyone but myself happy.

You can't live your life for anyone other than yourself.
Be strong and hang in there. We are all here for you and cheering you on.
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AdamMLP

Quote from: Joey. on August 12, 2013, 07:04:55 PM
I wish I never came out. I wish I never messed up everything. I wish I was never born.

I can't do this. Everyone is starting to see me as a guy. Parents say to their kids whilst I'm working "give the money to the man then", people see me with a grown up and say "wow is this your son? He's grown up" for them to say no actually that's my friends daughter. I'm passing more than ever, which is wonderful, but this journey is so damn hard. I'm going to have to come out to everyone and tell them. I'm going to lose half of my family. Probably all of my family. I never see them anyway, so what's the point? I wish I saw them though. Everybody goes on about family and it tears away at me that I sit at home every day with no friends or family. Sure, my parents are there in the evening, but all my mum does is put me down.

Why couldn't I just be happy as a girl? I wish my parents would of never had me, their life would be so much happier. All I am is this messed up piece of crap that nobody wants.

I'm going to lose everything. Is it really worth it? If I dress myself up in a dress and put make up on maybe I'll like it. But I won't. I've tried it and I don't. What if I regret this in a few months time? It's going too fast. The weeks are going too fast. I want this more than anything. I'd do anything to make this go away.

I hate my life right now. If my parents had just conceived at another time, they would of had a whole different child altogether and the world would be a much better place.


If you hadn't come out, where would you be now?  You'd be just as miserable as you are now -- maybe more so because you're still trying to fit into that "female" mold -- if you try and run back into the closet you'll be back where you started and worse, you'll know the way out of dysphoria, but you're not allowing yourself to take it.

Just because you're passing, it doesn't mean that you have to come out to your family and friends immediately, there's no pressure on you to come out before you're ready.  Heck, I've been passing 95% of the time for two years or more and the only person who knows is my girlfriend, and she had to squeeze it out of me.

As for the family/friends thing, I don't know, because I'm neither close to my family, or have friends.  Everyone says family is important, but I've never brought into that.  What is family, a bunch of people who are related to you.  Blood and DNA doesn't equal love, and I have no qualms about thinking that way, although I do wish for the sake of my girlfriend and future family that I didn't think that way, because I know her ideals are different to mine.  She's a good example that you're not going to lose your entire family though, we were together for eleven months, and as she pointed out, there wasn't a whisper of me being trans until she finds my male twitter account.  There was three days of awkwardness while I was unable to see her as I had to go away, but after that it was as if nothing had ever happened.  She told her best friend because he was in an argument with someone else over my gender, and he didn't give a toss.

I'm not saying they will accept you, maybe they won't, maybe they will, but it's not the end of the world if they don't.  They're your family because of blood, you can build your own family with people who do accept you based on love, and surround yourself with friends you choose.  If I'm right you're starting uni this year, you'll be whoever you want to be then, there will be no one to correct you, and you'll be with a fresh bunch of people in exactly the same situation.  No one is going to know anyone, and they're gonna be looking out for friends to make.  And if you tell your family now, they might not react the best to start with, but they're going to miss you when you go away -- if you don't go to a local uni -- and realise that it's going to be a permanent case of missing you if they don't accept you and you cut them out.  If you're ever down near Portsmouth in the next year, I'll be wandering around with no friends either.

And one other thing, your parents might have had a different kid if you'd not been born at that particular time, but who's to say that that child would have been any better off?  They could have had a painful chronic illness, or they could have been the next Hitler, but you were born instead.  Make that into a worthwhile life.
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spacerace

Joey - think about all that you have going on in your life right now. You're starting college (or whatever the UK equivalent is) and you just told your parents about being trans. It has only been a few months, and yet you told your new school that you want to go by your new name, right? As in you will be Joey full time? This is like 3 major life milestones you are trying to do all at once (coming out, starting university, and going "full time" essentially)

You can take a step back if you want. Collect your thoughts. Why do you need to tell your extended family right now? There is no rush at all.

Depending on what you have told your school and what your plan is for starting hormones, my advice to you is wait until you have been hormones to be out at school and to not start as Joey in 3 weeks.

You talk about dealing with major, serious depression in other threads. Telling others that you are male when you haven't been on T is very difficult to deal with. It is basically like outing yourself to every person you meet. In my opinion, this is not something you need right now. It will influence how you make friends and deal with others socially. I am sure you are strong enough to handle it, but why pile all of this on yourself at once?

I know this means you wouldn't get to start fresh as Joey, but I think trying to be ready to do all of this in 3 weeks or whatever when you go to school is a disaster waiting to happen. Take one thing at a time. Start college - then transition later.

Sometimes waiting is the best choice. There is nothing wrong with not being ready.
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Joe.

Thanks for the support everybody. I really do appreciate it. I was in a bad way last night, crying because I love someone I can't have, then all this running around my mind, wondering if she'd love me back if I was born a man. I don't know, I was just in a state and this was the only place I could come to. You guys have shown me the meaning of the word family. I need to push past this little bump in the road and do what I need to do to make me happy. You're all completely right.

Yeah spacerace, I'd be going full time as Joey. I will be moving in in 5 weeks. If I don't start as Joey, I won't be going to university at all. I'm not starting as a girl and then having to come out to everybody again. I really do see where you're coming from though, but to me there isn't a better time. I don't want to force myself to live as a girl anymore. I've already contacted the university and told them everything. They're fully supportive of me. I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do, but that and actually doing it are 2 different things.
  •  

spacerace

Quote from: Joey. on August 13, 2013, 05:23:19 PM
Yeah spacerace, I'd be going full time as Joey. I will be moving in in 5 weeks. If I don't start as Joey, I won't be going to university at all. I'm not starting as a girl and then having to come out to everybody again. I really do see where you're coming from though, but to me there isn't a better time. I don't want to force myself to live as a girl anymore. I've already contacted the university and told them everything. They're fully supportive of me. I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do, but that and actually doing it are 2 different things.

It is good your university is cooperating. Will you live on campus with assigned roommates that are male?

I would find the LGBT group on your campus and get involved with it as soon as possible. Also, think about how you will deal with questions/confrontations beforehand, so you can reply in a neutral way and let it roll off of you. If you act laid back and respond naturally, it will make it easier. Just be yourself - Joey can be a girl name sometimes, so you may have to learn how to confidently correct people. It is hard to do.

You can do this if you understand what the challenges will be going into it. Do you really need to tell the rest of your family for some reason? I would delay that at least.
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mrs izzy

Quote from: Joey. on August 13, 2013, 05:23:19 PM
Thanks for the support everybody. I really do appreciate it. I was in a bad way last night, crying because I love someone I can't have, then all this running around my mind, wondering if she'd love me back if I was born a man. I don't know, I was just in a state and this was the only place I could come to. You guys have shown me the meaning of the word family. I need to push past this little bump in the road and do what I need to do to make me happy. You're all completely right.

Yeah spacerace, I'd be going full time as Joey. I will be moving in in 5 weeks. If I don't start as Joey, I won't be going to university at all. I'm not starting as a girl and then having to come out to everybody again. I really do see where you're coming from though, but to me there isn't a better time. I don't want to force myself to live as a girl anymore. I've already contacted the university and told them everything. They're fully supportive of me. I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do, but that and actually doing it are 2 different things.

I am so glad you are in a better way today. Take these better days and build tomorrow even better. Glad you will be starting the new, i feel you are wright in thinking its better to come out one time. Will be way better and that will be one more thing behind you.
Do not write off love, it comes sometimes when we are not really looking for it. Who know maybe the girl you like will be the special one. Just never limit youself to possible other love interests.

Again I am so glad to hear confidence in your writing. We always will be your sisters and brothers anytime you need us.

Stay safe, smile today and build tomorrow.
Hugs
Izzy
Mrs. Izzy
Trans lifeline US 877-565-8860 CAD 877-330-6366 http://www.translifeline.org/
"Those who matter will never judge, this is my given path to walk in life and you have no right to judge"

I used to be grounded but now I can fly.
  •  

Joe.

I've wrote on my accomodation application that I want to be in mixed gender accommodation and no single sex. I told them I am trans and the accommodation woman I spoke to was very understanding and supportive of that request.

Yeah there's an LGBT group that I will join as soon as. I already hunted down the posters on the open day lol. I've been bullied all my life so I know how to deal with confrontation. I just show them that I don't really care and they never know what to do. I got called fat all the time and my response was 'so what? what's your point?'. They had no idea what to say or do to that. Yeah I'm possibly planning on going on introducing myself as Joseph.

Yeah I feel like I'm prepared. I've never been a popular person, so I'm not expecting everyone to love me. I know there will be people there who understand though and not everyone is bad, and that's what I have to focus on. My family don't neccesarily need to know, so I'm planning on waiting until telling them. As long as my close friends know and my immediate family, it should be ok. The only thing I worry about with extended family is them finding out when I make my new facebook, especially my nan and grandad.
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Rachel

Joey, you are an extremely strong person. What you are doing is very difficult and although you are young I am learning from your experience and it is helping me and providing with strength, conviction and perseverance for me to be me. Thank you for being you and sharing with us your thoughts and feelings. Your courage is an inspiration. I do not know if I could stand up to the pressure, as you have.

   
HRT  5-28-2013
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Joe.

Aww thank you so much Cynthia. That put a smile to my face. That was a really kind thing to say.
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Lesley_Roberta

Shared misery.

Joey hang in there. If only I had the one gift you have, the rest of your life.

Parents are handy to have, but we all move out in time. So whether they are supportive or not, eventually you end up elsewhere.

I go through so many days, just me and the 4 walls, because a person sleeping in another room has limits on how thrilling the company can be :)

The trick is to go out and GET the people in your life you are missing. University will likely be a very rewarding time, as it is an environment saturated in people wanting to be something more. And trust me, I am sure university will keep you plenty busy studying too.

I have felt the despair you are experiencing and I have no genius tricks, but I can offer a suggestion, bury yourself in something that allows you to disappear for a while. Dive into a good book, get stuck inside a good game, watch a long batch of video. You simply need to step outside of the moment and allow yourself to ignore the hassle.

Building your ideal you will take a little while. you need to not expect it to happen too soon.
Well being TG is no treat, but becoming separated has sure caused me more trouble that being TG ever will be. So if I post, consider it me trying to distract myself from being lonely, not my needing to discuss being TG. I don't want to be separated a lot more than not wanting to be male looking.
  •  

Taka

Quote from: Joey. on August 13, 2013, 05:23:19 PM
Thanks for the support everybody. I really do appreciate it. I was in a bad way last night, crying because I love someone I can't have, then all this running around my mind, wondering if she'd love me back if I was born a man. I don't know, I was just in a state and this was the only place I could come to. You guys have shown me the meaning of the word family. I need to push past this little bump in the road and do what I need to do to make me happy. You're all completely right.
i've cried for just that same reason. but i realized that i'd never have gotten to know her if i'd been born a man, and having met her was such a wonderful thing that i'd rather cry because i can't have her than never having known her.
i did complain about it at the bara forums though. having the cute gay community there cheer me up was a nice feeling.

go to university as a man, the next time you come out it should be to a girl who knows you as a man and loves you for who you are. you might even become more popular being yourself from the start. you won't lose your family, if anyone loses anything, it's them who lose a nice young man who could have been a great representative of their family if they just let him.

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on August 13, 2013, 07:38:44 PM
I have felt the despair you are experiencing and I have no genius tricks, but I can offer a suggestion, bury yourself in something that allows you to disappear for a while. Dive into a good book, get stuck inside a good game, watch a long batch of video. You simply need to step outside of the moment and allow yourself to ignore the hassle.
a good way to survive for a few weeks before getting to a better place. i became a fiction addict when i was very young because my family wasn't a good one to live with, and my brother became a game addict. it helps us survive, but i've noticed that when i'm having a good time, the addiction seems to have disappeared.
funny.
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