Kiddo, I might not post in your threads very often, but I do think about you a lot. I admire all the people who are struggling with this at such a young age. Yes, that means you. I figure that if I had such a hard time from twenty-six to forty-six (and beyond), then what must it be like for someone even younger than that?
You can try to girlify yourself. It might even work for a while. Hell, you might discover that you have an androgynous or genderqueer streak. But if you don't, then resistance is futile and you will be fighting only yourself. I should know. I did it unknowingly for over ten years, from about sixteen to twenty-six. I did the long hair, occasionally wore dresses, drew the line at all of the makeup and crap that my mother kept giving me, and spent hours and hours inside my head every week, living as a boy. Then, in my waking hours, I wondered why I was so bitterly unhappy.
Finally, I discovered what I was. And for another twenty years, I knowingly struggled with my condition and avoided doing anything about it.
Most of us FTMs seem to go through a denial phase, a why-me phase, an I-can-be-a-girl-if-I-try phase. Maybe we go through these cycles several times. But the end result for most of us is still the same: we deal with our families as best we can, we find a way to get what we need, and we start living our lives the way we want.
You have to hang in there, keep making plans, and ask for help from whoever is willing to give it. And accept that sometimes you WILL hate your life--that happens even to non-trans people. But get stuff done during those hateful times. Make progress on something, anything--if not transition, then school, a part-time job, your sanity.
My ex used to say that sometimes you have to just "gress"--not make progress, not slip back, just stay where you are--but that works for only so long. It doesn't work well for trans people who need to transition but haven't done it yet. I know that you don't have full control over your own life yet, but you need to actively plan and be ready to jump at the first opportunity. And to do that, you have to stay alive, finish whatever education you need, and so forth.
What is your plan for improving your situation? If your current plan calls for just surviving a little while longer, how can you make that happen? What can you do every day to keep going? We will support you, but YOU have the power to do it. You really do.
