wanted to update here...
because I met a lovely girl and spent yesterday evening with her.
well I really liked her a lot and she was beautiful and was certainly the sort of girl I would like to see in an adult movie.
well I think pleasuring her was great, and I found it so utterly rewarding. I even noticed the most amazing thing when she first touched me down there. It was like for a moment, I wasn't aware that it was a penis down there and it was like a shot of electricity that took my breath away. but as I became aware of it doing penis things, it started to feel like it wasn't me.
I vaguely thought of how I felt about porn and realise that I felt different when with her. I certainly loved the tenderness and kissing and embrace and I loved to make her squirm, but when it came to my penis, I just lost interest. I certainly didn't feel that overwhelming desire to penetrate her. I wanted to do it so that she felt satisfied but the thing wouldn't work. nor did I really want it to. such a polar opposite. I realised that I was unsatisfied and I thought to really question what I wanted. I lay and I talked to her about it. how she was so beautiful and I felt jealous of her body. I think I may have liked it if I also had a vagina. but it's hard to say if I never had one and don't know what it's like. all I can say is that I enjoyed pleasing her, and certainly knew what buttons to push, but when it came to myself, nothing.
I miss her already! but when it turns out I can't really fully please her in that respect. I think we may not see each other again. it just doesn't work. no hard feelings though. I had a lovely night and I will miss her but I guess this is a strong reason to go ahead with 'transition'.
