I can't believe it took me so long to accept it

[Magnolia88]

I just turned 25 in the beginning of this month and only just recently fully accepted that I'm trans. I think deep down, it's something I've always known but could never embrace it. Every time I had a feeling that I was, I would always dismiss it because the thought terrified me so much. Now that I have accepted it, looking back on my life, I see so many obvious clues that make me feel dumb for taking so long to realize it. Even from when I was a kid, I played with barbies and dolls. I always naturally gravitated towards girly things. Power Rangers was one of my favorite childhood shows and my favorite was the pink ranger, I wanted to be just like her. In video games, I would always choose a girl character to play. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and would memorize all her dance moves and dance along to her videos.  I idolized Sarah Michelle Gellar because I wanted to be Buffy. I can even remember overhearing a conversation my parents were having about how they thought I might be gay and my dad said I couldn't be because I loved Sarah so much and then I heard my mom say "I think he wants to be Sarah". I remember she yelled at me one time that she raised a boy, not a girl which I think was the first time I figured out I wasn't allowed to feel the way that I did. I would wear shirts on my head all the time and act like I had long hair. I actually had a female kind of alter ego in my head when I would go to school and pretend to be. I would imagine what she looked like, walked like, talked like ect. and emulate that. There's just so many things I can remember now that make me kick myself for being so in denial about who I truly was. At least I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a female and I always have been and knowing that has given me a peace of mind which I am so grateful for. For so many years, I wondered why I was so sad all the time and I would fear that it would never go away, but it finally has because I know now everything I ever wished to be is who I've always been.

[Jamie D]

I liked Buffy too!

[Chrystal]

You're childhood experiences seem really similar to mine. I did the babies, shirt for hair, Britney Spears thing when I was young, and still have those signs. I hope you your journey of transition is a pleasant one

[Chaos]

Its in those moments of realizing and accepting,that it feels like all the worries and pains of life melt away.our unknown fears,what we suffered inside and the questions finally answered.even though a new looong and hard road awaits,the journey is SO much more powerful then the blind one walked before.Now all thats left is *do i keep walking this new road with freedom and finally being myself but knowing it will be a painful one,or do i not but suffer inside* I say that regardless of what happens,where you go.ALWAYS be true to yourself,because in the end-its US we have to live with.Congrats to you and on finding self and i wish you luck for a wonderful journey!

[big kim]

I liked Buffy too!

Me too it was excellent

[Zoe Louise Taylor]

Heya Magnolia

Your not the only one, it took me soooo long to accept my feelings aswell.

Im 25 aswell, and for so long i would have these thoughts and crossdress, only to suppress them due to the fear of accepting myself as a transexual. I kept telling myself that i can snap out of it at anytime, therefore i must only be a ->-bleeped-<-. Then i would try and live as a man, only a week later the thoughts of really wanting to be a girl would come flooding back!!!!

It wasn't until a couple of years ago that i started to feel asthough repressing the true me was becoming harder and harder. At uni i found it hard to fit in with men and lived in a house of girls just dreaming that one day i could be one of them. This is when i feel i started to accept the fact that i may be transexual.

Its such a good feeling knowing that this is who i am, i am transexual and its at this stage that i now feel ready to do something about this, and become the woman i am inside!!!

Magnolia, i'm so glad for you that you have accepted who you are and you have found peace of mind with yourself, its so much better not hiding thoughts from oneself and embracing the beautiful woman you are!!!

I hope all goes well for you

Much Love
Zoe

x

[justpat]

  Only took me 63 years(slow learner) great thing is its back to puberty in some ways!

[Chaos]

  Only took me 63 years(slow learner) great thing is its back to puberty in some ways!

Yep and a good way to look at it.for myself,i see it as a 2nd chance and that includes when i had my V taken.I will have a chance to live all over again but also,as who i really am.i think that is worth anything

[Magnolia88]

Thank you all! I am definitely following through with my transition. I can't live my life as a man and as a matter of fact I haven't. I've sort of become a recluse in the last few years isolating myself, not going out, not working, not going to school. No one even myself knew what my problem was which made me feel so hopeless that my life would never get better. I basically had to hit rock bottom to for it to finally hit me. It was only when I started taking medicine for depression and noticed that I still felt that same emptiness that I knew. I was living like I was in a prison because I was being trapped in this body.

[JillSter]

I completely forgot about the shirt hair! I did that too. I also used to sneak into the bathroom with a wig my mom had, and I'd wear it in front of the mirror. Not thinking, "oh, I look like a girl!" It was more just, "I like this!" I never really knew what I was doing most of the time. I was just doing what felt good.

It really is amazing how we fail to see the obvious in ourselves before we're ready to face it. Then once we do, everything suddenly makes sense. Looking back I facepalm at so many things that I did and think, "how did I not see it! It was so obvious!"

It's great to hear that you're going into this with a positive attitude.

Thank you all! I am definitely following through with my transition. I can't live my life as a man and as a matter of fact I haven't. I've sort of become a recluse in the last few years isolating myself, not going out, not working, not going to school. No one even myself knew what my problem was which made me feel so hopeless that my life would never get better. I basically had to hit rock bottom to for it to finally hit me. It was only when I started taking medicine for depression and noticed that I still felt that same emptiness that I knew. I was living like I was in a prison because I was being trapped in this body.

This is exactly how my life has been, only a lot longer than a few years. Good for you for recognizing it before you wasted your youth.

Good luck with your transition and all the future brings you!

[Aina]

Thank you all! I am definitely following through with my transition. I can't live my life as a man and as a matter of fact I haven't. I've sort of become a recluse in the last few years isolating myself, not going out, not working, not going to school. No one even myself knew what my problem was which made me feel so hopeless that my life would never get better. I basically had to hit rock bottom to for it to finally hit me. It was only when I started taking medicine for depression and noticed that I still felt that same emptiness that I knew. I was living like I was in a prison because I was being trapped in this body.

That is how I've felt - I spend most of my time playing video games online over the years, haven't been interested in dating, I have friends but don't like to go out just all sortas of awkward things, I hope I have the strength to take my first step.

But hey Good luck on your journey - you can do it!

[JenAtLast]

I just turned 25 in the beginning of this month and only just recently fully accepted that I'm trans. I think deep down, it's something I've always known but could never embrace it. Every time I had a feeling that I was, I would always dismiss it because the thought terrified me so much. Now that I have accepted it, looking back on my life, I see so many obvious clues that make me feel dumb for taking so long to realize it. Even from when I was a kid, I played with barbies and dolls. I always naturally gravitated towards girly things. Power Rangers was one of my favorite childhood shows and my favorite was the pink ranger, I wanted to be just like her. In video games, I would always choose a girl character to play. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and would memorize all her dance moves and dance along to her videos.  I idolized Sarah Michelle Gellar because I wanted to be Buffy. I can even remember overhearing a conversation my parents were having about how they thought I might be gay and my dad said I couldn't be because I loved Sarah so much and then I heard my mom say "I think he wants to be Sarah". I remember she yelled at me one time that she raised a boy, not a girl which I think was the first time I figured out I wasn't allowed to feel the way that I did. I would wear shirts on my head all the time and act like I had long hair. I actually had a female kind of alter ego in my head when I would go to school and pretend to be. I would imagine what she looked like, walked like, talked like ect. and emulate that. There's just so many things I can remember now that make me kick myself for being so in denial about who I truly was. At least I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a female and I always have been and knowing that has given me a peace of mind which I am so grateful for. For so many years, I wondered why I was so sad all the time and I would fear that it would never go away, but it finally has because I know now everything I ever wished to be is who I've always been.

You are far wiser than me...didn't accept myself until 47, and I'd know what I was and needed to be since I was about 5.  Getting past other's input and our own self-hatred is often a common barrier that exists only because we let it.  Congratulations on getting to the right conclusion decades before some of us! 

[Magnolia88]

You are far wiser than me...didn't accept myself until 47, and I'd know what I was and needed to be since I was about 5.  Getting past other's input and our own self-hatred is often a common barrier that exists only because we let it.  Congratulations on getting to the right conclusion decades before some of us! 

You shouldn't feel bad about that. I benefited from growing up in a more socially progressive time. I'm not sure if I would have accepted myself as early if I grew up when you did. You accept yourself now and that's what's important.