Help Explaining Things?

[Allison]

I ended up spending the day with someone today he happens to be gay so I thought he would be more understanding than most people regarding me being transgender; we'll call him friend 1. He knew before we were out today but when my other friend; friend 2, decided to watch Mulan I politely asked him to not watch it because it makes me cry, like a lot. All of a sudden friend 1 popped up saying why it was ridiculous that I don't want to watch it saying that it promotes women dressing in drag; I tell him that I don't want fight. So we go outside for a minute so we can smoke.

He consistently calls me he and Eddy and I asked him to call me female pronouns; she and Ally so it's easier on me mentally not because it offends me. He says and I quote "Until you don't have a P____ I'm gonna call you a boy I just don't care"... I tried to explain politely "I'm just asking you to refer to me by my gender not my sex; you don't have to correct yourself can you just try?" he says "There's not a difference". I had to then explain the difference between Gender and Sex and it sent him on some crazy rant about the way he sees it and it sent me into a fit of crying in front of everyone, while friend 2 felt horrible for me and tried to stop.

Like is there a better way to explain what I'm going through to him or is it pretty much a lost cause; because he is a fun guy and I love being around him and hanging out with him but his blatant insensitivity to my situation on random occasions just really brings me down in the gutters.

[LordKAT]

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. If your friend isn't open minded enough to learn, you may have to let him go for your own sanity.

Try lending him a book or pamphlet.

[Tessa James]

Hey Allison that sounds like you had a pretty bad time.  Wish I could give you a real hug.  Its funny how people that are part of a minority, like being gay, can still turn around and be intolerant and disrespectful.  I have been an activist in the LGBTQ community for decades but because I am Bi have repeatedly gotten the put down.  When I first came out as BI back in 1982 some people tried to convince me that BI was just a stage of being gay.  I must be in some marathon stage!  I have been around situations where the straight guys talk about how many babes they get and I've been around gay guys in a group that try to prove how much more gay they are.  Being gay trans or anything else obviously does not make us any less able to be stupid and mean.  One of my oldest and dearest friends who is gay is having the hardest time with my transition. 
Like you I value my friends and your friend 1 may be showing his cards when he says "...i just don't care"  Still, I applaud your trying to work it out and explain what you are going through.  We are left then with some choices and for me I had to let my friend be himself but not with me as his punching bag.  It's your emotional health and it seems this guy may need some time to miss you?

[Allison]

Like I don't much care how he thinks of me he can think of me as a boy all he wants but I just wish more people understood how something as simple as changing a pronoun in a sentence can completely change me day for the better or throw it off tilt. I can excuse my family 100% for still calling me Eddy and using Male Pronouns because this change is just as hard for them as as it is for me because they've only know their older brother Eddy for 21 years.

But people I just met should definitely be able to change much easier than my family because it is so simple soooo simple to change a pronoun you haven't drilled into your head yet.  Even my friend who has known me for a year before I came out he asked me the serious question the other day "At the college do you want to be called Allison and she or what?" I answered "Nah I'd rather completely out myself on my terms" and he replied "Alright I just wanted to know so I don't offend you or anything" AND THIS IS COMING FROM A SEMI PRO MMA FIGHTER. I would assume a gay man would understand more...

[Tessa James]

Well Allison you are getting some practice on telling your story and working with coming out versions that suit you.  Hang in there but, again, people who have experienced prejudice and discrimination are sadly still able to heap it on others.  I like what you say about "your terms"--good for you!  I have to remind myself that most people are good to one another and to let the crap just blow away.  Sounds like you are in College and you have an excellent chance to meet some progressive and thoughtful people there?

[Allison]

Well Allison you are getting some practice on telling your story and working with coming out versions that suit you.  Hang in there but, again, people who have experienced prejudice and discrimination are sadly still able to heap it on others.  I like what you say about "your terms"--good for you!  I have to remind myself that most people are good to one another and to let the crap just blow away.  Sounds like you are in College and you have an excellent chance to meet some progressive and thoughtful people there?

Considering I'm in Western Virginia the people there are VERY accepting of me. Even my psychology professor had us to do an anonymous survey regarding people who have differing sexuality and gender identities and offered to talk to us about the discrimination we might encounter at the college.

[Tessa James]

Very cool!  Does the College have a diversity committee or an LGBT club you might check out?  I am a college trustee here and have great support from our diversity team for being out.

[Allison]

Very cool!  Does the College have a diversity committee or an LGBT club you might check out?  I am a college trustee here and have great support from our diversity team for being out.

I know for certain the past two semesters I attended there was an LGBTQA here but I'm not so sure about this semester. I might ask the student activities adviser.

[Tessa James]

Ya, sometimes the clubs come and go as students graduate.  I know our Board of Directors really appreciates the students that get involved in any of the extracurricular stuff and it is a big plus for resumes if you have been in student government.  What floats your boat there?  What got you in the door?

[Joanna Dark]

I'm tempted to say screw him. but then you say this:

he is a fun guy and I love being around him and hanging out with him

I think sometimes I, myself, talk about hormones and transition to my BF way too much. I should really shut up because though he has occasionally misgendered me (not on purpose), but he is simply not doing it anymore. He never has called me by anything other then my preferred name however. So sometimes if someone is sufficiently amazing, you give them a pass. I think my BF is actually forgetting I'm male at all sometimes because of the time he has misgendred me people correct him lol

If you two can just not talk about trans subjects, perhaps things will improve. Are you on hormones? If not, maybe when you get on them (if that's what you want) he will see things differently. You will be amazed at how people change their views on you after the hormones take effect. YMMV.

P.S. is it possible he likes you? Guys are weird like that and show their emotions in bizarre, complex ways. Of course, they also say they don't understand women which I never understood lol

[Allison]

I'm tempted to say screw him. but then you say this:

I think sometimes I, myself, talk about hormones and transition to my BF way too much. I should really shut up because though he has occasionally misgendered me (not on purpose), but he is simply not doing it anymore. He never has called me by anything other then my preferred name however. So sometimes if someone is sufficiently amazing, you give them a pass. I think my BF is actually forgetting I'm male at all sometimes because of the time he has misgendred me people correct him lol

If you two can just not talk about trans subjects, perhaps things will improve. Are you on hormones? If not, maybe when you get on them (if that's what you want) he will see things differently. You will be amazed at how people change their views on you after the hormones take effect. YMMV.

P.S. is it possible he likes you? Guys are weird like that and show their emotions in bizarre, complex ways. Of course, they also say they don't understand women which I never understood lol

We clash very often because we're both intelligent and we know it and when I choose my friends I love people who challenge me to think. I don't actually mention trans issues very often; I just simply asked for someone to not watch Mulan and explained why and it just went south fast. Normally him and I speak about things like class or just work and whatnot. But he said he bases his pronouns on sex not gender, and said multiple times even if I sounded looked and acted like a woman all together if I still had that between my legs he would still call me a boy. I mean I enjoy his company when he doesn't go on about that stuff but I just wish he would be more sensitive about who I am.

I also know for a fact he has no feelings for me because he has a strong distaste for feminine people romantically and has no interest in people with my mentality or physical appearance him being into more "country" guys and masculine people.

Ya, sometimes the clubs come and go as students graduate.  I know our Board of Directors really appreciates the students that get involved in any of the extracurricular stuff and it is a big plus for resumes if you have been in student government.  What floats your boat there?  What got you in the door?

If it comes down to it I might just make look to start one for next semester at least; because it really helps people among the community out to have that group of people who are  entirely sympathetic to eachother. And I actually got in the door because I wanted to actually work towards my dream of opening my own photography studio and do specialize in wedding photography. Ever since I was a little girl I've loved weddings and wanted one of my own and to help other cherish those moments for the rest of their lives. Also need to get out of college if I want to move to Oregon or Washington... protection for transgendered individuals in the workplace is so important to me.

[Joanna Dark]

Also need to get out of college if I want to move to Oregon or Washington... protection for transgendered individuals in the workplace is so important to me.

If you want protection in the workplace and the possibility of FREE SRS, you hsve to move to Philadelphia. Philly is the world capital of trans protections. We have three doctors that do SRS, multiple clinics, unisex bathrooms everywhere, and a city government where not one person will dare come out against trans individuals. It would be suicide. They passed a law allowing all city employees to be eligible for SRS and they offer businesses in the city tax breaks for paying for it. I'm not exactly sure when I became so lucky, but I believe it was when I found that of Ace of hearts on the ground at 31st and Spring Garden in West Philly.

[Allison]

If you want protection in the workplace and the possibility of FREE SRS, you hsve to move to Philadelphia. Philly is the world capital of trans protections. We have three doctors that do SRS, multiple clinics, unisex bathrooms everywhere, and a city government where not one person will dare come out against trans individuals. It would be suicide. They passed a law allowing all city employees to be eligible for SRS and they offer businesses in the city tax breaks for paying for it. I'm not exactly sure when I became so lucky, but I believe it was when I found that of Ace of hearts on the ground at 31st and Spring Garden in West Philly.

Hmn that would certainly help, works even better me being an Eagles fan too! Haha added bonuses!

[Tessa James]

Allison your dream from childhood is compelling and feels nicely romantic to me.  How fun and how nice to know what you want.  We do a lot of advising for students (and I was one) that don't have a clue about what they want.  I also applaud your altruism and understanding of how important it is to have "out" supporters and mentors.  I hope you do restart that LGBTQ club.  I live in Oregon and while not wanting to compete with fantastic Philly I believe you are correct about the civil protections and insurance laws that are quite favorable for us here.  Good to know you will have some positive choices to consider.

[Allison]

Allison your dream from childhood is compelling and feels nicely romantic to me.  How fun and how nice to know what you want.  We do a lot of advising for students (and I was one) that don't have a clue about what they want.  I also applaud your altruism and understanding of how important it is to have "out" supporters and mentors.  I hope you do restart that LGBTQ club.  I live in Oregon and while not wanting to compete with fantastic Philly I believe you are correct about the civil protections and insurance laws that are quite favorable for us here.  Good to know you will have some positive choices to consider.

Where I have bad ADHD it makes motivating myself to do thing very difficult if I don't have a well thought out and properly constructed plan. So if I have a good reason to start the LGBTQ club again I will do it; or at least the time. Anyways I'm going to head to bed and maybe have other ideas of what to do for this situation when I wake up. Thank you for the help so far. So great to have some sisters there for me!

[Joanna Dark]

Hmn that would certainly help, works even better me being an Eagles fan too! Haha added bonuses!

Then you'll get along famously here! Everyone and their sister worships the Eagles. The movie Silver Linings Playbook was dead on. I am more Jennifer Lawrece as I'd rather dance then watch football and have been caught by my brother watching figure skating while the game was on lol but it's impossibe not to know about football here uness you are actively trying to ignore it, which many girls do here. Not all. Some. Prolly a significant minority.

Also, the most sympathetic portrayal of a transsexual woman is on It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. In both episodes where she is in, she is the moral center of the episode. She is also beautiful, which gets rid of the whole man in a dress stereotype. People really believe that and will not think you are trans if you don't fit it. I have had to tell certain people before that I am a transsexual woman on hormones therapy and they would not believe me and they usually point to my breasts because I guess people don't realize that trans women can grow real actual breasts that look completely natural and not like implants. beat's me but it's happened twice.

[Sammy]

Cheez, he sounds like a bugger... Is he really that much fun to be around? Well, he is quite insensitive and ignorant... so, how about using that and turning that against him? Ally, would he try to harm You physically if, lets say, in the middle of some gossip/chit-chat You would drop some "cute" words like "->-bleeped-<-gy" when addressing him or his behaviour? I mean, being nasty, but keeping the limits - making him feel that but not being able to do anything about that. 

[Danielle Emmalee]

Cheez, he sounds like a bugger... Is he really that much fun to be around? Well, he is quite insensitive and ignorant... so, how about using that and turning that against him? Ally, would he try to harm You physically if, lets say, in the middle of some gossip/chit-chat You would drop some "cute" words like "->-bleeped-<-gy" when addressing him or his behaviour? I mean, being nasty, but keeping the limits - making him feel that but not being able to do anything about that.

No offense but this doesn't sound like good advice. Sounds like fighting hate with hate.

[Sammy]

No offense but this doesn't sound like good advice. Sounds like fighting hate with hate.

You are absolutely correct, but words can hurt more than blows and this guy looks like he needs to be returned his "favour". Some poeple just dont get it otherwise

[Christine167]

Wow, small world. I'm from Western VA as well. Around the Wytheville/BlueRidge area.
So yeah that's a pretty tough area to try to transition in. I still visit about once every five years or so... Or I did before beginning to transition. It's pretty but so closed minded.