I'm jealous.
Happy for all of them, but jealous of where they are now. I know I'm never going to be there now, not because I'll never get hormones but because my body is working against me being able to build up muscle and hold itself together. I'm painfully jealous when it comes to these things, because testosterone might give me a fighting chance at strengthening my ligaments so I don't lose part of my functionality in my left arm like I have my right. That left arm is my good arm, I need it. I want to walk outside my house in a t-shirt with nothing underneath it. Granted, I've been given a relatively smaller chest, but it isn't flat how it should be and I resent that so much. It makes me jealous, therefore, seeing guys with shirtless pics, especially seeing those with little to no scarring. I live in fear that estrogen is going to give me a larger chest like my female family members have, which would completely ruin any hope I'm hanging onto about getting peri or something. DI would leave huge scars on a normal guy (sometimes even with plenty of post-op care), and I scar badly due to my condition. I'm jealous seeing name and sex change forms being filled out and approved, because every time I see my current name and sex on paper or have someone call me by them, it makes me nauseous to no end.
Most of all, I get jealous when I come across acceptance. Of course it makes me elated that someone is welcomed into their family as the male that they are, but at the same time it stirs up angry, bitter feelings towards everything. My parents are horribly immature about the subject, and while my mother throws temper tantrums at the very mention of it, if I even get slightly offended by their transphobic remarks, I'm being "psychotic" and need to be locked up in a padded cell.
So yeah, I get how you feel.
