Please keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times.

[sarah4x]

Hi Everyone,

My name is Sarah.
While all of you don't know me I feel that I know you. I've been stalking you all for a very long time.

I'm 30 and like all of you have struggled off and on with who I am.

I've had these feelings since I was very young.

Does anybody remember back in.. let's say 2000, when you search for transgender resources online one of the sites you found was a journal / blog called something like "A trendy girls life"? I forget who wrote it but I loved the site.

I also spent a lot of time on another site who's name I forget but said something along the line of "girl juice",  had pink in the design and had a needle at the top of the screen?

On the memories.

So why is it taking me until now to actually participate in this forum? Well I need some sister support.

When I was about 15 I had a whole secret box at the back of my closet. One day when I went into my bedroom my mother was on her knees and had pulled out the stuff at the front of the closet. She said she was cleaning it. As she was asking me about the few items she had already pulled in-front of the box I started to freak out inside. I knew we were moments from her finding my secret. I just stood there in silence. Shocked. And then I started to cry uncontrollably. The rest is all fuzzy to me now, but it ended with my parents sitting me down and asking me why I had the box. My answer was that I like the clothes because they were from women and I like women... they didn't prob further. In retrospect they probably had a lot of questions but if I was willing to provide a quick answer then they were willing to just let sleeping dogs lay. sigh... wish that went differently...

So why am I telling you all of this? Well now being 30 and through two five year relationships I can now see that that moment when I was 15 messed everything else up. I created an irrational fear that kept Sarah in the dark for another 15 years.

Now I'm at the end of the second 5 year relationship. I tried to come out to my wife, but she flipped out on me. She's into the typical hunk stereo type. She is very girlie and would never be into someone like me / Sarah. So after much talking we have agreed to ending it.

The thing that hurts and that I'm struggling with is her need to hurt to my feelings to feel better herself.
I'm trying to take the high road. Treat others the way I want to be treated but she feels betrayed.

Because of my guilt and secret fear I feel that shes entitled to treat me the way she is although I know it's probably not right.

At the moment I feel like a little ship full of hope and dreams of becoming who I want to be - all stored down in my cargo hold. The ocean is the end of my relationship. I though that the waters would be harsh but navigable. Now I'm starting to get afraid that the storms becoming more than my little ship can handle. The waves are too high and the cargo is getting damaged. I'm worried that I'm going to sink.

I don't know about my future. Who or what I'm going to be.
But I do know that I'm tortured by the fact that both times that I've shared my passion and other side, either as a kid unwillingly or when I'm an adult after spending 5 years building up the courage to tell my special someone, that it's hurts and caused me (and her) pain.

Last night, she came back from dinner with a friend where she shared the news about us splitting. She asked me what I tell my friends when I say I'm splitting. I said that I keep it light. That we simply aren't compatible. Again, I don't want to complain to people about her. I would feel like I'm talking behind her back which isn't something I like the feeling of when I'm doing it. She then proceeds to tell me that everyone she tells says that I'm not right in the head. That I'm broken and that I need serious help. That some of our "couple" friends have talked about me in the past (unrelated to Sarah) and have said bad things.

I'm heart broken. She's betrayed me. I'm in tears. I don't know if she is sharing my secret, but either way how can she actively want to make me feel so bad...

I'm already shy enough. It's taken me forever to build up courage about speaking to others out of fear. She just validates these fears over and over. I feel so and utterly broken.

Thanks for listening.

Sarah.








Edited for profanity.

[Xhianil]

*nods in understanding* like you I've hidden my true self deep, still do, but don't be shy around here, I'd love to give back all the help I've been given. As for the break up, if your friends can't accept the true you then they don't desserve it, and i can understand how hard it is to come out, i still am yet to.

[sarah4x]

A face to the words.

[Devlyn]

Hi Sarah, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. Thanks for sharing a bit about yourself with us. Glad you joined us, hugs, Devlyn

[sarah4x]

Thanks Xhianil.
Means a lot.

Devlyn, Nice to meet you!
I'm from Toronto.

[Xhianil]

Thanks Xhianil.
Means a lot.

I'm here to help, don't hesitate to ask if you need it, as for the pictures you put up, you look pretty.

[Darkie]

Sarah, you are absolutely beautiful.  And we are all here for you.  You are never alone, as you are now part of our family!

[Jamie D]

Sarah, greetings from southern California.

First of all, it is entirely unfair to blame your 15-year old self for not recognizing what your adult self now knows.

Second, you can't blame yourself for everything.  It takes two to tango.

Third, I'm going to send you a PM with a link ...

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[Sephirah]

Welcome to the site, Sarah.

After reading your post I was going to say a few things, but first let me ask you a question if that's okay.

Have you spoken to your wife about the way you're feeling since then?

[sarah4x]

Hi Sephirah,

Thanks for the warm welcome!

I've spoken it to her multiple times since but it makes things worse.
It's as if I'm driving the wedge between us more and more.
She sees it as a betrayal and talking about it like salt on the wound.

But the good news is today I'm feeling MUCH better. The sea is calmer and my ship is upright. I just need to stay focused on getting through things.

I really appreciate all of your kind words.
They've helped a lot so I thank you ladies.

[Sephirah]

Okay, hon. That makes some of what I was going to say largely redundant, lol. So I'll just say this:

No one is ever entitled to treat you badly. For any reason. Whatever you may or may not have done, or think you've done. Other people's feelings are theirs to deal with, and it's not acceptable to lash out and cause someone else pain because of some misguided view that they deserve it. You don't have to take it, and you don't have to feel like it's warranted because of who you are, or are not, okay? You have as much right to be happy, to be yourself, and to forge your own path in this world as anyone else.

As far as your future, and who you're going to be... by the tone of your post you are going to be a caring, gentle, considerate, valuable human being. Someone capable of loving and being loved. Those alone are precious traits.