Choosing not to transition

[silentone]

   I came out to most of my family over a year ago and have been seeing a therapist since. We have come to the conclusion that I am undoubtably transgender and she recommended hormones. My mother still firmly believes it is caused by an extreme case of OCD and environmental issues. I feel guilty for wanting to transition since my mother said she would not be able to live with herself. I am positive that I would be much happier living as a woman. I know for sure I would be able to pass since I was even mistaken many times wearing androgynous asian styled clothing and very light makeup.
   I am just stuck as an impasse. But I am pretty sure this deadlock in decision will end with me deciding not to transition for people that matter most in my life. My mother had a hard life and gave up a lot to raise my 5 siblings and me and everything she does is for us.

[Bijou]

This will sound really bad, sorry, but don't let guilt stand in your way if you would really be happy transitioning. The urge to transition will never go away, and could possibly get worse and lead to depression or attempted suicide. Are you seeing a gender therapist or a normal therapist?
Do you want to look back on your life that you lived for everyone else, and regret? I'd definitely talk to a GT.

[bethany]

Hi Silentone, Do not let anyone other than yourself decide what is right for you. Only you know exactly what is going on within yourself. Live your life as you see fit, don't live it as someone else wants you to.

I second what Bijou said. If you are not seeing a gender therapist I strongly suggest that you start.

[K8]

Too often we live our lives for others, hoping to measure up to their expectations.  I did that for a long, long time.  Finally I decided to live life for me.  I transitioned and am now happier than I knew was possible.

Your experience may be different from mine, but a lot of us - trans and cis, from all walks of life, across the spectrum - try to live for others.  We try to live as we think they expect us to.  It doesn't work.  If your therapist agrees that you are probably trans, try HRT for a while as Joules said.

Before you start, though, you need to think about the consequences.  Are you willing to go against your mother's stated wishes?  What is likely to happen if you do?  These are questions you can run by your therapist.

Good luck.
- Kate

[Katie]

As stated before your not born to live to the expectations of others. With that said if you choose not to transition you would be in the catagory of the majority of transsexual.

[Isabelle]

First of all, 911's are girls cars so, that's really sweet of her, second, how realistic is the ocd/bdd diagnosis? Is your mum qualified to make an assessment like that? Is she, at the very least, a psychology undergrad? Does your therapist believe you're suffering from any cognitive disorders? What is their opinion on your mothers ocd/bdd "diagnosis"? Do they believe you meet the diagnostic criteria for Gender Dysphoria?
What I'm getting at here is, there are only 2 opinions that matter, yours and your therapists (although theirs is a pretty distant second)
Also, maybe sit down with your mum and actually talk about transsexualism with her. What is the basis of her transphobia? What is the belief she holds that causes her to fear having a daughter with a transsexual past? If you can help her modify her belief system, perhaps you'll help her see transsexualism is just part of life. Maybe watch some documentaries together. Show her ones that focus on early transitioners like yourself.

[Jean24]

   I came out to most of my family over a year ago and have been seeing a therapist since. We have come to the conclusion that I am undoubtably transgender and she recommended hormones (I had previously taken hormones bought online a few times for a few months but stopped). My mother still firmly believes it is caused by an extreme case of OCD/BDD and environmental issues. I feel guilty for wanting to transition since my mother said she would not be able to live with herself and that my grandparents would not either. I am positive that I would be much happier living as a woman. I know for sure I would be able to pass since I was even mistaken many times wearing androgynous asian styled clothing and very light makeup.

   My mother wants me to be treated for OCD/BDD now and was even willing to spend $10k a week for a few weeks at a private treatment place known to treat OCD/BDD. I read that BDD subsides with medication, but that did not happen a year ago for me, which indicated that it is indeed GID. She wants me to cope with this by engulfing myself in hobbies in my free time from school work. She wants to get me a Porsche 911 GT3 to track and other toys.

   I am just stuck as an impasse. But I am pretty sure this deadlock in decision will end with me deciding not to transition for people that matter most in my life. My mother had a hard life and gave up a lot to raise my 5 siblings and me and everything she does is for us.

That is my greatest fear about transitioning. How bad is it? I'd also like to say that you do have a tough choice. I do as well. My therapist just told me an hour ago that she doesn't think I could be hired as a pilot because it is male dominated and females (especially transsexual ones) are a rarity. She went on to suggest that I be a teacher. I might need to see a new therapist but I'm not sure yet. Good luck, I hope you are able to do what makes you happy.

[Ltl89]

Hey silentone,

I can relate with your concerns because I once felt the same way.  The reason I waited so long to transition is because I was worried about my family (specifically my mom).  Putting my mom through this was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  We are incredibly close and it's really hard for her to deal with such a drastic change.  However, as much as I love my mom, I couldn't live a lie for her.  I would do anything else for my mother.  I'd even take a bullet or jump in front of a car for her.  However, to live a lie and not transition was too tall an order for me. Even though it seemed to be an impossible feat, she is coming to slowly accept it. 

I'm not sharing this to influence your decision or sway you to transition.  Everyone's situation is different and your situation can greatly differ from mine despite our similar concerns. I'm sharing this so you know there are others who have been there and have come out okay (semi okay in my case).  Many times we look at transitioning and only see the challenges involved that it becomes difficult for us to see a potential good outcome.  It doesn't always have to result in a bad scenario even if things are difficult at the outset.  From the sound of your post, it appears that your mom loves you very much.  According to what you wrote, she wants you to get help for your conditions and find peace in your life.   That sounds like someone who wants their child to find happiness.  She may not like you choosing this path as a remedy for your problems, but perhaps her love for you and desire for you to find peace will help her overcome her concerns.  Again, there are no guarantees and I can't assume your mother's feelings from one post, but isn't there a possibility for a positive outcome?

At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you and your family.  Some have found peace in not transitioning and have lived successful lives.  If that's possible for you, then that's great.  Whatever decision you make, I hope it leads you to happiness.   

[Joanna Dark]

That is my greatest fear about transitioning. How bad is it?

You really gots to be tough. Dis shiz iz hard yo. I mean before I started HRT seven months ago I was an unemployed, friendless, lonely pill head. I mean I really had things going for me. Now that I started transitioning I lost everything. I have to work eight hours a day, I have a BF who really cares about and even forgives me for things others wouldn't, and I'm healthy. It really sucks. Before I had nothing to live for and nothing to lose. I was free. Now I have everything to live for. I'm a slave to staying alive and enjoying life. I mean WTF, right?

[Aina]

I wouldn't let guilt stop you, but I also feel for you also - I have the same thought. I've had moment where I wonder what right do I have to make my family feel bad or worry more about me, and it is part blame for why I haven't come out to anyone yet.

Honestly if you feel like you would be happier transitioning, and want to - then why not?

Also I really uneducated about OCD and its link to transgender - so not sure how that has to do with anything...

[Jean24]

You really gots to be tough. Dis shiz iz hard yo. I mean before I started HRT seven months ago I was an unemployed, friendless, lonely pill head. I mean I really had things going for me. Now that I started transitioning I lost everything. I have to work eight hours a day, I have a BF who really cares about and even forgives me for things others wouldn't, and I'm healthy. It really sucks. Before I had nothing to live for and nothing to lose. I was free. Now I have everything to live for. I'm a slave to staying alive and enjoying life. I mean WTF, right?

Finally started acting your age, Joanna? Sorry, couldn't resist! 

[MaidofOrleans]

Wow, what some parents will do...

[anjaq]

Hehe - take the 911 and sell it for SRS - No really I have given that whole issue with parents a bit of thought and have to wonder - why do we and often the parents feel bad about transitioning when it comes to that relationship. After all, both would not want to have a barrier between them like it is if a TS has to pretend to be someone she is not. Who do the parents love - their child as it is or the surface that this child expressed to them? Why do the parents feel hurt or "not be able to live with themselves" because of what their children are? I think a lot of that is an issue of the parents and transitioning forces them to think about their own transphobia. THEY think that being trans is something shameful, against god will or something like that. Hence they do not want you to be like that because it throws a shadow of shame on their family in theor own eyes. Or maybe they think that they will get a hard time with their friends for that, which they do not want to deal with - again that is because they have transphobic friends who in addition to that somehow blame the parents for the child. I think this is in most cases a major reason anyways - parents think they are "guilty" for doeing "something wrong" to have produced a child that is TS. This is one of the things that have to be resolved - to make it abundantly clear that it is not their fault at all, that it is a randomly occuring natural condition.

I sure hope you can resolve that with your mum and find ways to tell her that she is not to blame and that she does not have to suffer from anything but maybe her own ghosts that irrationally regard having a transperson in the family as something shameful. And as I said before elsewhere - in the end, parents like other lofing people usually (even if they do not want to admit this to themselves at first) want to love their children closely and be honest and open with them. As long as there is a barrier between parents and child consisting of fear, anxiety and depression caused by GID as well as a "fake persona" sitting on top of the real person, there cannot be true open love between them as both sides want it to be. My mom hated me for coming out. I had to move out of the house. She felt guilty as she thought that it was her fault, that she should not have allowed me to be a certain way when I was small, that it was her fault because of her divorce, that maybe she should have noticed that I was having some issues and told my childhood shrink to get rid of that. Something like that. I told her that this was not so. She then also was worried that I would suffer, that people would make fun of me and I would get depressed and kill myself or somthing like that - or that I would have regrets later and then suffer. That was harder to solve as only time could prove her wrong. Once she saw after 2-3 years that I was happier, more open, more alive and more real, she now has a much better relationship to me than she had before - because now she has a relationship with the actual ME and not a "me" that I was holding up in an effort to make everything appear as if there was no issue.

[K8]

My brother was resistant to me transitioning, but I realized that it was because he was concerned I was doing something drastic that I would find harmed me.  Is your mother worried for you or for her?

Just wondering.
- Kate

[generous4]

My mother still firmly believes...

Time to cut the apron strings, Silent One.  That all sounds like manipulation on her part.

Just my opinion.