I want to come out, but I'm scared...

[AquariusTaurus]

I'll just get it out there that I am a minor. Because that fact has a lot to do with why I'm scared.

I want to come out. I've finally accepted that this is who I am, that I'm a boy, not a girl, but... Well... I'm still in school. And transitioning in school I know is really hard. But I want my friends and family to know who I really am. But I've been trying to deny that I'm Erik, not Emily, and I've been dressing more and more girly to try and force myself to be where society would want me to be. And I'm worried that my parents and friends wouldn't take me seriously if I told them that I'm actually a guy and I want them to call me Erik.

My biggest concern, though, is my sport. I do Synchronized Swimming and I LOVE it. I wouldn't want to give it up for anything. I only have a few more years that I can swim before I'd have to go colegent. But if I came out to my team and started transitioning, well... First of all, it's swimming. And super dynamic swimming. There's really no combination of anything that I could do before I can get surgery that would make me feel comfortable with my body while still getting to do this sport that I love. And second of all... A lot of moms on my team are EXTREMELY transphobic. I would wind up HAVING to quit. I love this sport too much...

I don't know what to do or what to say or how to come out to anyone! I see a councilor every week, and I thought about coming out to her first, but I'm just so scared that no one will tAke me seriously and I'm afraid of how my team might react... Help?

[Transguy]

Hello 

I don't know how long you're going to be in school still but have you considered waiting until you've graduated ? This doesn't mean you can't tell your closest friends and family in the meantime, but if you can wait, making a fresh start by going to university directly as male will be much easier than coming out at school where people already know you.

As to synchronised swimming, I feel your pain. I gave up swimming to transition, and plan on starting again in a year's time after top surgery (at a much lower level though...). If you stay on the team while transitioning, there's always the solution of binding (and perhaps packing) ? For example, underworks have a swimming suit which might work for you? But it's up to you - and your breathing capacity =/
If you come out to your team, I guess they won't even tell their parents, will they ? I don't think you should worry about their moms. Your life choices are none of their business.

Coming out to your councellor first sounds like a good idea. It could help you get used to having that conversation so you'll be more confident when outing yourself to others eventually. Her support could be very useful to you. If she doesn't take you seriously, you can always go to somebody else ?
Personally, I've got used to the fact that not many people take you seriously when you're under 20, but it doesn't mean you can't transition, luckily !

At the end, it's really your own choice who you come out to and when. Do you know how your family will probably react ? I don't want to be pessimistic, but you might want to be prepared for good as well as for 'bad' reactions too, just in case ?

Good luck

[Jamie D]

Aquarius (the water carrier)  -

Nice to meet you.  I see no reason why you can't be yourself and still not compete.  I'm not entirely sure of the NCAA or AAU rules, but I would think as long as you are not using steroids, you are probably okay.

It is a question about expressing your gender identity.  As a first statement, hang up any presentation, like "girly-girl" that makes you uncomfortable.  Try androgynous dress and ease your way into your desired presentation.

Good luck to you.

[AquariusTaurus]

Well, as far as my friends and family go, I mean, they're all very accepting, but in their minds I have a tendency to go through "fashion phases," and I'm really worried that they'll think that this is the same thing.

Now, on to the biggest issue: Synchro.

Not many men swim in synchro. It's not against the rules until you get to olympic levels, but it still doesn't happen much. But because of that, most of the rules for competition are for females. It's not as bad for routines, but once you go to figures, which is half of your score, well...

I'd have to either compete as a girl wearing a girl's suit, or I'd have to compete as a boy wearing a tight (and topless) boy's suit. If I don't wear one or the other, I could get my whole team disqualified.

And there's also the parents issue. Even if the girls didn't tell their parents, all of the parents are so heavily involved that a miracle would have to happen for them to not find out. Especially my duet partner's mom and, sadly, she's the one most likely to throw such a big fit that I'd have to quit.

I could wait until I graduate, but my anxiety just from school is bad enough, I don't need anxiety from this on top of it...

[Jamie D]

I understand your anxiety.  It is important that you are able to present in a way that is most comfortable.  At the same time, if you are participating in a sport, you wear the uniform of the team.

I briefly competed in HS swimming (and I was rather terrible), but I had to put my body discomfort aside to be a team player.

I have a feeling though that topless won't be an option.

It is interesting, to me, that you chose a screen name with "Aquarius" in it.  You know, the irony may be that you could become the person who opens up new opportunities for other transgender guys in your water sport.

There is no reason that you should be forced to quit.  The parents or coaches should not be able to discriminate against a cisgirl, a lesbian, or a transguy.  It is wrong.

[AquariusTaurus]

I think I've decided how I'm going to approach this. I'm going to tell my guidance councilor first, and then I'm going to tell my friends, family, and teachers. I'll wait until after this season is over to tell my team. That way I can make sure for Coach that she doesn't wind up loosing one more swimmer for our team routine. I shouldn't be discriminated against, and I know Coach would be supportive of me, but it will probably be best to not make her have to have arguments with the parents and girls getting pulled off because some people are intolerant, not when we're so low on swimmers... I think I'm going to start transitioning outside of synchro, though.