I do know i need to quit smoking. This is in fact priority number one for me. as well as eliminating my self medicating and getting on a proper medication regimen. I do not want to smoke at all, ive been trying to quit for 3 years now, that is how i discovered that my cig smoking was linked to my anxiety. My anxiety is primarily social in nature and is DEFINITELY caused by GID. Im also very certain that transitioning wont completely eliminate my social anxiety as much of the damage in that area has already been done. I personally intend to continue long term therapy and medication for this, likely for the rest of my life. For a long time i tried to manage my anxiety on my own, this kept me trapped at home at my computer where i felt comfortable.
The thing about my social anxiety is this, when im out with people, they way i want to behave/speak/be treated is that of a girl. So when im out with friends, i get anxiety about the way i behave or speak, and being treated like a man makes these issues twice as hard. I'm really lucky that i have friends who wont let me sit at home and hide, and they make every effort to include me in things going on. This of course is what made it possible for me to come out, and coming out has eased some of that anxiety big time. Being able to express myself as a girl when im with friends is hugely relieving. However, ill also say, that with years of self isolation, this has damaged many of my social skills, that will be an ongoing process of relearning to a degree, but is also a source of anxiety.
As far as clothes go, i do not have all the clothes i need yet. I'm going shopping with my sister and her gf next week, im also trying to include some of my friends in this experience as well, after all, who doesnt love to shop:-). Becoming full time in clothes is something im doing with or without HRT. Living as a man is completely unworkable for me at this point. If i cant transition, i personally have zero desire for continued existance. It is the hope of today and the days after today that have kept me going all these years. My coming out happened because i could no longer hide or stuff down how i was feeling and i felt that if i didnt come out and start the process of transitioning i was going to either kill myself or drown myself in a haze of drugs until they eventually took my life. Once i have enough clothes and makeup i will move into full time girl clothes/presenting. I have just as much of a feeling of urgency about the clothes as i do HRT, at the same time i know i need to give the people around me some time to adjust to whats going on with me. The people ive spoken too so far(and the ones that make it obvious without saying anything that they know) have been incredibly supportive, more than i had ever hoped. Im trying to get myself into FT clothes before the new year, and i think a month or two should be plenty of time to give people in adjusting. I will also be,(other than my first eval visit since i dont have the clothes/makeup yet) be going to the therapist/psychiatrist in my girl clothes for every visit(something im quite happy about).
Over the years ive prolly spent thousands of hours looking into transitioning if not tens of thousands. I've honestly felt this way about being a girl for longer than i can remember. Earliest i can remember was being a kid, maybe 7/8 and thinking and feeling i should be more like the girls i played with. It wasnt until middle/high school, however, that i discovered what ->-bleeped-<- was when i met a friend who was transitioning. At the moment she and i met and learned about it, i knew right away what the feelings i was having was. This is where i first explored this, and at the time i took every opportunity to wear girl clothes/makeup, and too some degree over the years being involved in the goth scene at times made this easier for me. It wasnt until I discovered the social stigma (and at times violence against me) that i started actively suppressing these feelings, and exploring them secretly. Many people who've been close to me,(family mostly) for an extended period of time, were not at all surprised by my coming out. I've been almost unknowingly feminizing for a couple years now. While my GD has always been ever so apparent to me, i hadnt linked some of my actions to it. Things like growing my hair long and straightening my hair, the way i behave with others, and the way i groom among other things. Now that im out, many of my family often point out indicators of this that i hadn't even noticed. This transition for me feels far more natural than even i had expected. Tonight as an example, i wore my usual lace panties(which i love btw, the comfort is absolutely incredible compared to boxers.) my girl socks(just some teal socks i got in a multipack at walmart and the new waist training/tight lacing corset i bought on glamourbotique. Nobody can see my panties usually(which is how i like it and always will, since those are for anyone i might become intimate with,(the exception here is when im exploring fashion with female friends/relative, which now that im out, those situations have had me feeling a level of comfort and lack of anxiety, im not sure ive ever experienced, not even with self medicating/and or drug use.) I often let my socks show without fear, even the pink ones, and even with friends who i know dont support my transition and are even against it, but still my friends none the less, with little/no anxiety about it. My corset however, is quite obvious even underneath my baggy mostly unisex clothes(pretty sure i need a smaller corset as the one i have is overlapping where it laces and im even tying the long laces around my waist tightly to make things a bit more fitting, and to stop i from riding up. Im also working with the great folks at glamour botique to find a corset that fits just right. Anyways, its incredibly obvious, most due to the fitting i think, that im wearing a corset, as well as my improved posture and the way it feels when i wear it. Again, wearing the corset, feels incredibly comfortable to me, despite being tight and a little physically uncomfortable, i know now, that corsets, even beyond waist training/tight lacing is something i want to make part of my regular wardrobe, simply due to the sheer comfort. I will note, that my personal preference on clothes, is generally quite conservative, although fashion is something that im currently heavily exploring. One thing i dont want is too look like a slut/whore. I do however want to sometimes be/feel a bit sexy whilst still being somewhat modest, and enjoy the attention i receive from that. (and i dare anyone to say that's something that would barr me from HRT/full transition) I've surrounded my self with GGs for most of my life(and have often been jealous at times of them too lol), since on a friendship level i can often feel comfortable with them, especially at times when i feel like one of the gang.
Simply starting to transition into girl clothes has even been enough for me to want to truly explore romantic relationships with others and has given me the motivation and comfort to do so. This is truly a first for me in my since all my previous relationships just kinda happened and i was single for long periods in between. Up until now ive also suppressed personality traits that i feared were feminine enough that i might be ostracized for letting them out. Now, that im out, much of that is slowly coming out now on its own. Some of the things that ive recently noticed, and to a degree often enjoy is being sassy/snarky, giggling and sometimes snorting haha(ive been doing this for the last year or so, i am however no longer embarrassed about it and it feels normal to me), as well as the ability to be more assertive with others due to the gradual increase in my self confidence and self esteem. Much of these things are stuff i really want to explore with a therapist, ive been actively and in some cases unconsciously suppressing my outward personality and the things im interested in that are feminine, like as an example, i recent got Ellie Goulding's 2cd Halycon days and i absolutely love it. Its been in my cd player for the past few days and ill likely be listening to it for the next few weeks till ive worn it out,(which i often do with music i love, and listening to music is something i truly love.) I've also noticed that my energy levels have been increasing since coming out and not suppressing this stuff. I had no idea how much effort i was putting into suppressing this all and the anxiety of being found out, with how it was wearing me down emotionally and physically.
Since, i came out, ive also been exploring via the internet(for what thats worth), any and all reasons why i should consider not transitioning, either into female clothes, or surgeries. While i dont have any doubts in the slightest about wanting to transition via clothes and surgeries, i do want to explore things in this area i hadnt considered. I havent really read anything so far that gives me pause about transitioning, but i want to discover why it is that others have regretted transition, so that i can make sure that i dont transition and unknowingly put myself into a worse place than when i started. Just playing a bit of devils advocate and challenging my very steadfast feeling about transitioning so that i can know that i considered as many possible outcomes and situations ect as i possibly can.
As far as sexual orientation goes, i know from experience that i prefer and feel very comfortable with gay women. This is far more so than with straight women. There is a definite connection for me there on an emotional level, which for both sex/relationships is a must for me or it becomes a no go.(not that i havent had casual sex sought out when i have been truly horny) I also wont say i havent had thoughts about men either. However these thoughts are pretty centered on me having a female body, although now that im out, i dont mind the occasional attention from certain men. I've tried to explore this in the past with guy, but with the way my body is, it just felt unworkable. So as far as men are concerned im more or less shelving that until im done transitioning and can thoroughly explore that avenue the way id like to. I really dont know how hormones will effect my sexual orientation and i am a bit curious about this. I know that witht his male body, that sometimes i feel as though i can almost smell the pheromones from some women, leading to semi interest despite my thoughts/feelings on their looks/personality ect. I can only imagine that it will be that way for men when im on estrogen. To some degree i really believe theres an area of unknown for me right on orientation despite my current personal preferences and that only hormones will really answer that question in the end.
Now, as far as therapy/psychiatrists are concerned. I'm going to a local standard therapist office which also has a psychiatrist via tele psychiatry. The only specialties they really have their are womens issues and substance abuse, although its open to everyone in need of mental health services. This is basically my only option atm due to money and time restrictions. It took me 6 months to even find this place, and its already an hour drive one way. With a business to run that often requires my constant attention, traveling far out of the area is also a bit cost prohibitive. I'm going to be going to my appts en femme, esp since i really want them to see for themselves and know that im pretty damn serious about this. And at the very lease i can deal with some of my anxiety even if they cant help me much with my Gender identity issues.(although i know several people who go there, including a few family members, all of whom have said that its the best mental health services they have gotten anywhere)
This has been a pretty damn long post, but i just want to summarize briefly. Where i am at now is this, i really dont want to continue living if i cant transition. I'm not in crisis, having the ball rolling on this process has been a huge source of hope for me. Something im considering however is going to an inpatient somewhere for some time that specializes in Gender issues. Having a truly safe environment to deal with all this would be great, as well as having professionals nearby to help deal with anything that could come up(im not really thinking anything specific here, but transitioning is a difficult process, as well as being just as simple as it is complicated, and who knows what can come up) If anyone has any info on this, please do share it, as im clueless about this, and would like to explore it as an option, especially since i will have a couple months this winter(do to tourist area) where i wont have to work and being in an inpatient wouldnt really disrupt my life, not to mention lack of access to cigarettes for a time giving me the ability to adjust to life without smoking.(i seriously dont want to smoke anymore, its gross and expensive, and bad for my health)
After writing this entire thing, i feel like maybe i should print it out and just give it to my therapist haha. Anyone think thats a good idea?
