Mixed up and not sure where I am going *trigger warning*

[Antonia J]

The last couple of days have been seemingly going well. I came out to my dad and he has been over the top supportive. A friend who initially pushed me away came and visited for a week, and we ended up having a blast together - laughing and crying. I have been on HRT for about 6 weeks now, and I can see/feel effects already (soft skin, swollen/sore boobs, less aggression, etc).  I even came out to a few co-workers and have begun discussing my transition with human resources. My divorce wrapped up last week, and I have a house, money in the bank, and no worries financially.  Everything is going about as awesome as it can, but I feel...sad....maybe not really sad or depressed...but something is not right.

I have been dwelling on authentic living as me, and then find myself hitting a wall thinking it will be difficult to ever pass or be accepted in my current world. I am close to 6 ft tall, with a 42 inch chest, broad shoulders and a square jaw with MPB. It is the same story a lot of people transitioning have, and I recognize that right away. I have a transwoman roommate, and she deals with that a lot, and is built and looks far more femme than I ever could.

So what I am struggling with is -- I will be authentic, but will I be any more happy than the dysphoric male that I had been? In the closet, I was a typical white western business manager...who felt every day of existence like I was in the wrong body. However, my life was pretty good in most every other way. Now I feel good in my skin, but life feels really difficult and complicated. Some days I wonder if I am strong enough to go on with this, and as I see the changes in my body I am starting to wonder if I will hit a point of no return...and I don't want to go back, but I am not sure I want to move forward. 

It just sucks. I want the life I had back, with the ability to be me as I am...and who I feel I can be...and I don't think those are compatible.  I did a business presentation yesterday to the heads of HR at three Fortune 500 companies and several private firms almost as large.  It was on a topic that I am the expert, and one I have given in the past in male mode. The reaction from them, several who I have known and worked for, was really enlightening. They commented not on the content of my presentation, but gave me guff about my long hair and earrings for quite a few minutes after.  I laughed it off, and kept the mood light, but inside I felt like crying.  These are people who I would look to for future business and opportunities, and I felt like all that I had accomplished in the past was for nothing, and now I was seen as a joke.

I can recover, personally and professionally, from the experience. It means I will need to work harder, and build a thicker skin. I just don't know if I want to. With my divorce last week, and this experience now, and what I read from others, I just don't know what I am going to do. I feel so mixed up. Today I had a two second thought of purging all of my clothes, getting a haircut, and going back to being a guy. This is the first I seriously thought of this in probably 3 or 4 months since my wife first left.  With HRT having effects, it just hit me that I need to seriously sort this out.  Ugh.  I am going to sleep on it. I feel pretty low right now, but tomorrow is a new day.

Sorry for venting. I know everyone who transitions has moments like these - some more than others.  I am just not sure where my path is pointing, and feel lost.  Thanks for listening.

[Jessica Merriman]

Antonia, my sister! I am in the same boat more or less. Two months into HRT at 47 years old and fresh from a divorce also. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster in dealing with these new emotions the HRT provides and have told myself not to make any long lasting or sudden moves until I stabilize. I hope you will listen and do the same. PM me and I will help you as much as I can. No, we will help each other like family should. We are unique people and have different problems than most of the populace and should be able to turn to each other. Vent to me as much as you need to, but hold off on the decision process, don't purge and stay with me. I will be here for you, Ok baby? Let's do this together and grow and succeed. We can deal with anything we encounter and we are strong. A BIG HUG goes out to you. Love you sis! 

[Megumi]

Sounds like we are all experiencing the same thing relatively that is. We get a big high off of making a huge step then days latter you have a sense of demoralization over the next big step that lays before you. I've been on cloud 9 for the last few days after coming out to my parents and now that I've leveled out and I'm thinking about what is next in line for me to accomplish and the things I'll have to do on the financial side and my own mental/physical side has me feeling a little down because it's another BIG step in life with all of the struggles, decisions and emotions bundled into it that makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry as I'm going to go through the same pains I just got past over and over and over again the more and more I transition until I've come to terms with EVERYTHING about myself. A tough road is before us but there is a shining light at the end of it.

Like you said though, tomorrow is a new day. The best we can do is make the best out of each new day we get. Big hugs Toni.

[mrs izzy]

Toni,

You know some of my story. As you know we are more a like then others. Yes where you are at now is i feel about the top of the peak. Everything had happend in just a short time and with HRT on top it sure make things even harder in your mind.

It truly is not for not. It is for a women to become truly a strong happy women in life. In work i see you will have issues but i also see in you the person who will not let the MEN walk over you. Yes it is harder on the female end of things in a mans world and we have to work harder to prove ourselves. Just do not loose sight in yourself. Even though others see someone changing you must remember you are that same person you always been. You know the Male part of the world and you can use it to your advantange.

HUGS and i wish we where not so far away from each other. Would be so nice to have this face to face chat.

Isabell

[Antonia J]

Thank you all for your support.  I really needed it last night.  I am feeling a bit better this morning and my head feels clearer.  One day at a time, that's all we can do. I am not ready to give in, yet.

[Tessa James]

Thanks Toni,

It is heartening to hear about your resilience and rebound ability.  As so many caring sisters have noted, we do have our roller coaster to ride!  Glad you are hanging on tight. 

I really get that frustration of being a joke.  We knew this was coming right?  I may never be passable and I will use it to advantage as being distinctive.  I make presentations to chambers of commerce and bunches of other groups.  We do have the ability to get their keen attention and we can drill them with a laser look and ask if they "need to see me after the meeting."!!  I can do self deprecating jokes too but do not allow others to publicly disrespect me without comment.  I made a presentation to the local parks board and when I sat down missed my chair and sat on the floor.  Damn I was embarrassed but found "the look" was enough to stop the twittering.  One called to apologize.   It will take a tough skin but you are so sharp and didn't get where you are without talent and tenacity.

Keep rolling on girlfriend.  The authentic you is so worth it!

[Sammy]

I hit the 5 months mark recently and I still keep getting those thoughts - exactly as was said '"What the hell am I doing? I have no idea what is ahead of me and how this all is going to end, yet I am destroying my previous life, the comfort zone, and starting everything anew". Then, as emotions set down, I give that a second thought and I realise that despite all those tears and pain, those 5 months have been the happiest in my life. Almost everybody, who knows, compliment me that I have become a much nicer person, I smile a lot and I dont feel like a walking automaton anymore.
Could I de-transition? Probably.
Would I be happy if I detransition? Most probably not.
Would I be happy if I keep going? I have no idea, but chances are I might be.
Would I try another attempt of transition later, having tasted how it feels when estrogen runs my body system? I am quite sure, I would.
Then stop worrying about the unknown - and as the song says "Pick yourself up, dust Yourself down and finish what You started!"
I dont about You, but I am quite emotional about music and my entire mood can change pretty much depending on what I am listening to, so maybe this will help You a bit too... Hugs

[Cindy Stephens]

I hope you find your way to that spot of equilibrium that is perfect for you.  I am older, married to a woman who loves me for who I am, and not "in spite" of it.  I have had hair removal and have been on HRT for 8 years.  I live a dual existence that seems perfect for my wife and me, at this time.  Sure, I would love to completely transition.  But the hard, cold reality is that I would have to give up too much.  Starting out young, maybe it isn't as bad.  Though a cursory examination of studies of male to female incomes and job attainment seems to suggest otherwise.  I admit it, I don't want to be poor.  Some on these boards seem to do quite well.  But each of us is in a different situations.  Perhaps you could just slow down the journey, enjoy the voyage, and discover what you need.  Sometimes it is hard to not compare your progress against others.  I have always found that to be the worst yardstick to compare my life against.  You can be happy finding reasonable compromises to allow the fulfillment of all necessary aspects of your life.  I have: I hope you do too.
 

[Shantel]

I hope you find your way to that spot of equilibrium that is perfect for you.  I am older, married to a woman who loves me for who I am, and not "in spite" of it.  I have had hair removal and have been on HRT for 8 years.  I live a dual existence that seems perfect for my wife and me, at this time.  Sure, I would love to completely transition.  But the hard, cold reality is that I would have to give up too much.  Starting out young, maybe it isn't as bad.  Though a cursory examination of studies of male to female incomes and job attainment seems to suggest otherwise.  I admit it, I don't want to be poor.  Some on these boards seem to do quite well.  But each of us is in a different situations.  Perhaps you could just slow down the journey, enjoy the voyage, and discover what you need.  Sometimes it is hard to not compare your progress against others.  I have always found that to be the worst yardstick to compare my life against.  You can be happy finding reasonable compromises to allow the fulfillment of all necessary aspects of your life.  I have: I hope you do too.

+1 I'm on this same page Cindy. One of the most difficult things for each of us is to reconcile our personal levels of delusion with reality and then learn to live at peace with the outcome. I am there, but it was a long and arduous haul!