Kind of Disappointing

[Jace]

So I recently came out to this youth group for LGBT I go to and they were all very welcoming and happy to call me Jace. Yet this past night almost every kid there kept calling me she and girl despite me correcting them numerous times and it was really disheartening. The youth leader always uses the correct pronouns and when he noticed also corrected them. The leaders are all cool and even mentioned to not out people because not everyone knows. But the kids, gosh, they also pissed me off because they told a couple people outside the group that were in our GSA about it. I didn't want the GSA to know because it then becomes easier to spread around. When I called them out on it, they just shrugged it off. It's really irking me cause I thought I finally found an awesome place but it scares me that they are so willing to tell others because I really don't want the whole school to know.

There's also another transguy and a transgirl in the group who they never mess up their pronouns. So it's not like I'm a new thing for them.

It just kind of sucks really.

[Arch]

"Disheartening" seems like too gentle a word.

First of all, you might have a private talk with the leader and tell him that people are talking about you outside the group. It is NOT cool to do that, and they need to get their act together.

While you are talking to the leader, express your frustration over the pronoun situation. Is it possible that the kids thought you were going the other way? Regardless, the leader needs to know how much it messes with your head.

In the meantime, you might go to the batting cages and beat some balls around.

P.S. It's possible that people took a long time to get the other trans folks' pronouns right. Have you asked?

[Jace]

They know I'm FTM, but I have asked them at school to refer to me as she and my birth name. I thought maybe they're just getting confused, but they always get the name right and the kids who don't go to my school also mess up the pronouns.

I'll ask the others how long it took for the group to start using the correct pronouns and I'll talk to the leaders next time.

I think I'm also going to look into attending a transgender group in my area. I'll still continue going to the youth group but I think it would be nice to just be around others who experience the same issues as me.

[ttim0324]

If you don't set ground rules from the get go when you come out, you're gonna end up with some responses you're not fond of, as you've already found out. I'd suggest doing that the next time you have a group session. For example:

1) I want to be refered to as Jace and I would appreciate if you'd all use male pronouns. He, him, his.
2) I'm coming out to you all in confidence that you can respect my wishes and keep this to yourselves. At the moment I dont want everyone aware of my transition.

Not everyone instinctively knows how to treat you. Especially when so many people come out as transgender and feel the need to tell the entire world, the reaction you got was common and expected. It's already difficult for people to completely change the way they refer to you if they've known you a different way beforehand, and you seem to be asking them to be doing both depending on the situation.

[Jace]

That's the thing though. I did set up those ground rules. I asked them to call me Jace and refer to me with male pronouns except at school because I'm not out yet. Most kids didn't even know me at the school yet either.

I know asking them to flip flop may be a little difficult but they didn't even try to correct themselves after I asked them too.

Maybe I'm just spoiled because the first friend I told instantly got it and had no problems with any of it. She set the bar too high haha.

[ttim0324]

I hate to say it but the flip flop thing might make them doubt how serious you are about your transition. I've known someone who wouldnt acknowledge someone as being a real ftm because they "chose too feminine a name so they're obviously just doing it for attention" and that person was also an ftm. *eyeroll* Of course, you'd be able to tell if that was the case. I'd say give it a few more tries and if that doesnt work really let them know that they have to respect your wishes like you do theirs. Best of luck, bro.

[Jace]

I'll just have to explain to them I guess that being out right now is not possible for me and that the group is like a haven to me. Man if I could just go to school tomorrow and like heeeeey I'm a dude btw I would. But dealing with my parents and worst case scenario being thrown out is not what I want my senior year to be.