Well haven't posted anything for a while. :/ been feeling really super crappy lately. Hardly have motivation for anything, i just want to cry and crawl into a hole for like 5 months and come out a man with a perfect family and a woman but i know thats entirely unrealistic. Perhaps its sharkweek looming its ugly head for me.
Im in university right now, my grades are important to me but i can barely muster any motivation to do anything. Like super heavy depression going on here.
Last saturday i spent the day with the woman i love. Which until that evening she didnt know i loved her. We cuddled and laughed and when she went to give me a hug goodbye i didnt let go and i just told her i love her. She didnt react badly, shes one of my best friends, but she did gently reject me in such a way i didnt realize it was a rejection till hours later.
And i know shes straight and i know she still sees me as a woman which sucks cuz im a man inside...
But that doesnt bother me nearly as much as the fact she is leaving in 2 weeks for a year and a half. She's mormon, goin on a mission.
Her being mormon doesnt really bother me, shes so very open and accepting so is her whole family, but this leaving for a year and a half has been extremely taxing on me. I'll admit i have cried more than once
My life has been such a crappy mess shes become such a vital part of keeping me afloat i just dont know what to do or think and its the grossest feeling.
I just want to hold her because its the only time i feel fine, no dysphoria, no depression, no anxiety, its just her. I just want to feel good again.
