I need to get rid of the useless emotion called loneliness. It gives me nothing of value. All it does is turn me into a someone I hate: a whiny, pathetic, little b-word who chases after people who don't want him like a chump. People keep telling me loneliness is something to keep for some reason. They never tell me what that reason is. They tell me it's human. I don't care. It's nothing but a huge weakness. It's pathetic.
People tell me they like me. They're lying. If they were telling the truth, they'd talk to me of their own accord, not just when I talk when to them first. If they were telling the truth, they wouldn't make friends with my enemies.
A guy came into the group I started (no one else would because this city is so apathetic) and starts spouting abuse, false accusations, and transphobia. I seem to be the only one who thinks he is anything less than a great guy. My dad is an abusive %&*#. I am the only one who holds him responsible for his own actions and the only one who acknowledges that he did anything wrong. My ex was a physically dangerous, abusive alcoholic and yet, even people who know what he did act like he's done nothing wrong. One of my "friends" who is a fellow abuse survivor even befriended him despite knowing ahead of time what he had done to me (and outed me to him without my permission. Needless to say, she is out of my life). Seriously, what the heck is up with that? Those are just three of many examples. People talk about how they are against abuse, rape, bigotry, bullying, and all sorts of stuff... until it happens to me. Then they're totally fine with it.
"That's their problem." Is it? These are otherwise normal people who no one else has a problem with. It's just me that apparently has "subhuman" tattooed on my forehead. It's difficult not to take that personally.
"You just haven't met the right people." The "right people" don't exist and, if they did, they'd probably be one of the many who don't deign to talk to me.
I am aware that it's hypocritical to feel loneliness and care that people hurt me which makes me feel even more pathetic. It's completely ridiculous that someone like me would even want people to like them. It's not going to happen.
It doesn't matter whether I try to act good or not. People still suck. So why do I continue to to act more socially acceptable most of the time? Some desperate attempt to keep them from hurting me? They will anyway and I'm the only person who will have a problem with it.
There's also the fact that I suck at strategy, am impatient, and have little to no imagination. I have no idea how to get the kind of life I want or where to find that information. I'm also afraid of ceasing to exist which makes me less likely to take risks.
Also, at the moment, I'm having trouble figuring out what I am interested in and what I find fun. Everything seems dull right now. Hopefully, that's just a side effect of my mood and will go away, but in the meantime, it's difficult.
My isolation will not go away. I will hopefully find a way to get rid of loneliness sooner or later though.
