I need to get rid of the useless emotion called loneliness. It gives me nothing of value. All it does is turn me into a someone I hate: a whiny, pathetic, little b-word who chases after people who don't want him like a chump. People keep telling me loneliness is something to keep for some reason. They never tell me what that reason is. They tell me it's human. I don't care. It's nothing but a huge weakness. It's pathetic.
People tell me they like me. They're lying. If they were telling the truth, they'd talk to me of their own accord, not just when I talk when to them first. If they were telling the truth, they wouldn't make friends with my enemies.
A guy came into the group I started (no one else would because this city is so apathetic) and starts spouting abuse, false accusations, and transphobia. I seem to be the only one who thinks he is anything less than a great guy. My dad is an abusive %&*#. I am the only one who holds him responsible for his own actions and the only one who acknowledges that he did anything wrong. My ex was a physically dangerous, abusive alcoholic and yet, even people who know what he did act like he's done nothing wrong. One of my "friends" who is a fellow abuse survivor even befriended him despite knowing ahead of time what he had done to me (and outed me to him without my permission. Needless to say, she is out of my life). Seriously, what the heck is up with that? Those are just three of many examples. People talk about how they are against abuse, rape, bigotry, bullying, and all sorts of stuff... until it happens to me. Then they're totally fine with it.
"That's their problem." Is it? These are otherwise normal people who no one else has a problem with. It's just me that apparently has "subhuman" tattooed on my forehead. It's difficult not to take that personally.
"You just haven't met the right people." The "right people" don't exist and, if they did, they'd probably be one of the many who don't deign to talk to me.
I am aware that it's hypocritical to feel loneliness and care that people hurt me which makes me feel even more pathetic. It's completely ridiculous that someone like me would even want people to like them. It's not going to happen.
It doesn't matter whether I try to act good or not. People still suck. So why do I continue to to act more socially acceptable most of the time? Some desperate attempt to keep them from hurting me? They will anyway and I'm the only person who will have a problem with it.
There's also the fact that I suck at strategy, am impatient, and have little to no imagination. I have no idea how to get the kind of life I want or where to find that information. I'm also afraid of ceasing to exist which makes me less likely to take risks.
Also, at the moment, I'm having trouble figuring out what I am interested in and what I find fun. Everything seems dull right now. Hopefully, that's just a side effect of my mood and will go away, but in the meantime, it's difficult.
My isolation will not go away. I will hopefully find a way to get rid of loneliness sooner or later though.

Seems to me that an anti depressant may be called for. Can you see someone about it?

I think it might help to lose yourself by turning your attention outward. Just an idea. Try volunteering somewhere, like a hospital, etc. Think about how you can affect people rather than how they affect you. Anyway, that's what works for me.

Quote from: Gina_Z on October 27, 2013, 01:08:45 PM
I think it might help to lose yourself by turning your attention outward. Just an idea. Try volunteering somewhere, like a hospital, etc. Think about how you can affect people rather than how they affect you. Anyway, that's what works for me.

Nah. I'd just get upset at spending my time doing something I don't want to do for people who hate me anyway.

Quote from: LordKAT on October 27, 2013, 12:56:40 PM
Seems to me that an anti depressant may be called for. Can you see someone about it?

If I wanted to kill myself, sure. I'm one of the percentage of people that gets horribly suicidal on anti-depressants. In other words, heck no!

Sorry, it was just a thought. Might not hurt to talk to someone though.





never said I could spell

Quote from: LordKAT on October 27, 2013, 01:28:45 PM
Sorry, it was just a thought. Might to hurt to talk to someone though.

Have talked to several. They don't know how to eradicate loneliness either.

Edge, you are a maverick, a rugged individualist, determined to blaze his own trail.

People like that find success in lots of parts of their lives, but their road is lonely. It's a lot easier to be a sheep than a lone wolf. There is a lot of company in following the herd.

You are not a herd follower, that much I'm sure of. I'm also pretty sure you wouldn't be happy living that way. But when you go your own way, it's really hard to find people who will relate to your journey.

People like that feel lonely. They just do.

Luckily those feelings will not harm you. If anything, they will make you stronger, more self-reliant. True it is useless and not helpful, and true it doesn't feel good. but it is harmless. IMO, it won't actually make you whiny or pathetic.

In fact, you're one of the LEAST PATHETIC people I know. The challenges you regularly meet head on would quickly fell most guys. Know anyone else who's raising a kid pretty much on his own, supporting the both of you, and at the same time in a difficult university program, and, oh yes, winning a battle with gender dysphoria on the side?

I sure don't.

There are various ways of coping with loneliness. I learned to like my own company, to see myself as my own sidekick and confidant in the battle to achieve my goals. It served my purpose, and will probably continue into the future, now that I'm facing divorce.

Writing was a big help too. As long as I could write, I would always have someone to talk to.

I apologize for the rambling nature of this message. I wrote what I was thinking pretty much in raw form, knowing you'll discard whatever doesn't work for you. I hope you find some crumbs of help here in.

In the meantime, please accept a long-distance hug.

Thanks for replying and for the hugs, Joules. I've often been told I'm too sensitive and told myself that many times, but every single time, my instincts have turned out to be correct. After leaving my ex, the ladies at the shelter, the domestic violence outreach workers, and various other people who see abuse and unhealthy self esteem on a regular basis helped me learn that my instincts are valid and not to dismiss them.
I also decided to be who I am instead of trying to be someone people would like more. I tried to fake it for years and, not only did people still not like me, but I didn't like myself either. I think my real self is awesome and I don't want to be friends with people who want me to be anyone else. As for being cheerful or glum, I couldn't be only one, static emotion all the time even if I wanted to which I don't and it's not fair of other people to ask me to be when they have changeable emotions too. Not that life's fair, but I don't plan on going along with it.
Sorry. *steps off soapbox* I can get a little intense. As it is, I don't want to attract friends. I want to stop letting the loneliness get to me.

Darn it. One of my posts disappeared. My internet has been wonky this evening. Anyway...
Thanks, Suzi. You're awesome. I'm afraid I have been running from my problems. I should be and want to increase my imagination and strategy abilities. When I put too much energy into loneliness and anger, I end up exhausting myself and running in figurative circles instead of working on reaching my goals.
Thanks, LordKat and Gina as well. Sorry I didn't say thanks earlier and came across as snippy. I get in these mindsets where I forget basic politeness. I do appreciate that you took the time to respond.

Edge, just between you and me, loneliness is a bitch.  I have written before that I can feel lonely in a crowded room.  It is because no one else can really share my experience who doesn't feel like I do.

That's why this place has been a godsend.  I have learned an awful lot about me by learning about others.  And you know, it really helps.

I still tend to draw back and isolate myself when I am feeling vulnerable, but I am getting past that ... s-l-o-w-l-y.  Talking is good.  Sometimes it keeps us sane.

I have the OPPOSITE state of mind from Chaos. I know lots of honest people and I stay miles away from abusers. Cynicism brings me down. Making myself number 1 is too egocentric for me, personally. I think it's important to love people while not allowing anyone to trample on me. I guess that comes from self-respect. If you see yourself surrounded by evil, that will taint your consciousness.

Thanks, Chaos, Jamie, and Gina. I agree, Jamie. Loneliness is a b. I also agree with Chaos except I started putting myself first a long time ago and the loneliness still hasn't gone away.
I have never met an honest person. I've met lots of people who claim to be. I've met the nicest people ever who remained nice for years before they showed their true selves which also happened to be the worst people I have ever met not including the rapists.
Also, the fact of the matter is one can't spot an abuser from miles away. Most people can't spot them when they're right in front of them. I only can because I'm hypervigilent, but even that just means that I pick up on a signs that are there to be picked up. In short, one can't always tell.
Putting oneself first isn't egocentric. It's common sense. Even if you're the kind of person who wants to help people, you have to put yourself first or you'll run yourself dry and won't be able to help anyone.
Chaos, can you get away from these people?

That's good, Chaos. Personally, I'd kick your roommate out and make them fend for themselves, but it's your decision. I know that I don't need anyone but me and choose being alone over bs. Unfortunately, I still feel loneliness which is why I want to eradicate it.

I disagree with them. If I hadn't felt lonely in my stupid years, I would have never tried to get people to like me and would therefore have never lost sight of myself in the first place. I hate that I was ever that weak that I let that happen. Loneliness is nothing but weakness. Luckily, I'm stronger now, but I still haven't gotten rid of that infernal emotion.

Thanks for your earlier responses, but you can stop now.
1. I put me first. What do you mean "if?" Of course I'm worth it. Why the heck would I put anyone else first?
2. I don't take responsibility for what other people put me through. I do, however, understand that those people will not do anything to make things better for me. I, on the other hand, will in every way possible (and legal unfortunately).
3. I don't care if people who are not me don't think loneliness is a weakness for some reason they still haven't told me. For one, they are not me. For two, just because they have a different opinion, doesn't mean they're right and I will be pissed if my opinion keeps getting dismissed in favour of theirs. For three, no logic behind the reasoning makes for a very unconvincing argument especially since I have plenty of logic to back up my opinion.
4. For the last time, I have no wish to wait around for this mythological person. Telling me they are out there somewhere is just going to piss me off. I find it condescending especially since I have already said several times I am not interested.
5. The problem isn't avoiding bad people. The problem is feeling lonely. I have waaayyyy less mercy for "bad people" than you do.

What is your strategy for dealing with loneliness?

Not sure yet. I'm currently brainstorming. From what I can tell, I'm on the right track with what I'm doing so far, but it's not working as well as I would like. Or maybe it is, just not as fast. I have a bad habit of being impatient.