I don't know if anyone remembers me. I wasn't around for very long. I had a great experience here at Susan's and even subscribed. I had been seeing a gender therapist and I was working out my issues and everything was going pretty well for me. I was happy for the first time in a long time. I quit smoking in preparation of HRT, and I was losing weight and feeling good.
Then my therapist told me she was going to give me my letter to start HRT, and I panicked! I cancelled my appointments with her; I deleted my journal with all my thoughts and feelings about this stuff; I deleted all my trans-related links. I thought in case I died nobody would ever know that I had gender issues. I started drinking again. I was angry all the time and forcing myself to be "the right way." I started scowling at people when I go out like I was trying to pick a fight. I haven't done that in nearly 15 years. I just wanted someone to hurt me so I could hurt them back. I almost bought a new weight set and started lifting again to force the issue to it's final conclusion. I put on muscle way too easily and I could have looked completely different by now. I was determined to be a man at any cost. I hate being a man! I can't imagine why I would want that! But that's exactly what I was doing.
I've hated myself these last couple of months. And just like every other time I've tried to suppress my feelings, I end up coming full circle right back to this. Sooner or later reality smacks me in the face and I have to admit to myself that the girl inside will not go away. I can drown her in alcohol and beat her senseless (I used to literally beat myself up. I'd punch myself in the face and whip my back with a belt) but she doesn't go away. So I'm back to this once again and I'm getting so tired of it. Wishing is useless but I do it dozens of times a day. I'm on the verge of tears every time I think about it. I just want it to go away.
I'm probably sounding like an insane person, but I'm sure many of you have been through equally crazy times, if not necessarily the same type of crazy. I hope you can understand, or at least sympathize.
But don't worry about me. I'm too stubborn to do anything stupid (and permanant.) I'd rather live in pain than not live at all. But I can't reconcile this ->-bleeped-<-ing male body or female mind or whatever it is. All I know is I should have been born female, but I wasn't. And every day of my life has been ->-bleeped-<- because of it.
I don't know if I'm transsexual or angrogyne or what. When I first showed up here I thought I was transsexual, but then I started to have doubts. It's not as cut and dry as "woman trapped in a man's body" which is of course just the trans-narrative and certainly not true for everyone. But it feels like it should be the beacon by which I guide myself in my journey. Am I this? No. Am I like this? Yes. Okay, how am I like this? And so on.
I learned a lot in my time at Susan's, but when I think about it I realize I've actually learned nothing. I don't know myself at all. I don't understand gender at all. It's not binary. I think I'm proof of that. So what is my gender? Well, I'm biologically male. Is that my gender? No. Men don't spend every waking moment of their lives agonizing over the fact that they're male. So I must be female. I want to be female right? Well, yeah I do. I've been begging God or whoever (even the devil) to make me female nearly all my life. So that must make me transsexual. That's kinda seems right. But I don't think it is. It's not as cut and dry as that. Trans is not a want, it's a need. Do I need it?
The thing is, I don't even want to be treated like a woman, but I hate being treated like a man. I want to treat myself like a woman and think of myself as a woman, but I don't want other people to put me in the female gender role. It's entirely personal. I want nothing from anyone. I want to be as I feel, for me and for nobody else. And I want everyone else to leave me alone and never address me as he or she or even by name. Maybe that's my doubt talking or maybe it's my cowardice, but that's where I am at this point. I'm not in the best mood atm so I probably sound like an ass, but that's pretty much how I feel. My gender is mine and I don't want other people defining it for me, deciding what I am.
I would give anything to be reborn as a girl. I would (and have tried to) sell my soul to the devil to be female. There was a topic when I joined asking if you would trade places with someone to be your preferred sex if it meant living their life instead of your own, and most people said no because they'd lose their family, loved ones. I would do it in a heartbeat. I know that makes me sound like an uncaring bitch (or whatever) to throw away my loved ones like that. But don't we all? They throw us away, but we sacrifice them inadvertantly. We just want to be ourselves, and we hope they can handle it. But when they can't we tell each other, "you're better off without them." But we all know the risk. Isn't that the same thing? I'd throw away my family for a chance to be female. I'm not a bad person, just a hurting one. But I'm too scared to do it. The irony is the good people who wouldn't throw away their loved ones lose them and become happy, and I keep mine and remain miserable.
