I don't know if anyone remembers me. I wasn't around for very long. I had a great experience here at Susan's and even subscribed. I had been seeing a gender therapist and I was working out my issues and everything was going pretty well for me. I was happy for the first time in a long time. I quit smoking in preparation of HRT, and I was losing weight and feeling good.

   Then my therapist told me she was going to give me my letter to start HRT, and I panicked! I cancelled my appointments with her; I deleted my journal with all my thoughts and feelings about this stuff; I deleted all my trans-related links. I thought in case I died nobody would ever know that I had gender issues. I started drinking again. I was angry all the time and forcing myself to be "the right way." I started scowling at people when I go out like I was trying to pick a fight. I haven't done that in nearly 15 years. I just wanted someone to hurt me so I could hurt them back. I almost bought a new weight set and started lifting again to force the issue to it's final conclusion. I put on muscle way too easily and I could have looked completely different by now. I was determined to be a man at any cost. I hate being a man! I can't imagine why I would want that! But that's exactly what I was doing.

   I've hated myself these last couple of months. And just like every other time I've tried to suppress my feelings, I end up coming full circle right back to this. Sooner or later reality smacks me in the face and I have to admit to myself that the girl inside will not go away. I can drown her in alcohol and beat her senseless (I used to literally beat myself up. I'd punch myself in the face and whip my back with a belt) but she doesn't go away. So I'm back to this once again and I'm getting so tired of it. Wishing is useless but I do it dozens of times a day. I'm on the verge of tears every time I think about it. I just want it to go away.

   I'm probably sounding like an insane person, but I'm sure many of you have been through equally crazy times, if not necessarily the same type of crazy. I hope you can understand, or at least sympathize.

   But don't worry about me. I'm too stubborn to do anything stupid (and permanant.) I'd rather live in pain than not live at all. But I can't reconcile this ->-bleeped-<-ing male body or female mind or whatever it is. All I know is I should have been born female, but I wasn't. And every day of my life has been ->-bleeped-<- because of it.

   I don't know if I'm transsexual or angrogyne or what. When I first showed up here I thought I was transsexual, but then I started to have doubts. It's not as cut and dry as "woman trapped in a man's body" which is of course just the trans-narrative and certainly not true for everyone. But it feels like it should be the beacon by which I guide myself in my journey. Am I this? No. Am I like this? Yes. Okay, how am I like this? And so on.

   I learned a lot in my time at Susan's, but when I think about it I realize I've actually learned nothing. I don't know myself at all. I don't understand gender at all. It's not binary. I think I'm proof of that. So what is my gender? Well, I'm biologically male. Is that my gender? No. Men don't spend every waking moment of their lives agonizing over the fact that they're male. So I must be female. I want to be female right? Well, yeah I do. I've been begging God or whoever (even the devil) to make me female nearly all my life. So that must make me transsexual. That's kinda seems right. But I don't think it is. It's not as cut and dry as that. Trans is not a want, it's a need. Do I need it?

   The thing is, I don't even want to be treated like a woman, but I hate being treated like a man. I want to treat myself like a woman and think of myself as a woman, but I don't want other people to put me in the female gender role. It's entirely personal. I want nothing from anyone. I want to be as I feel, for me and for nobody else. And I want everyone else to leave me alone and never address me as he or she or even by name. Maybe that's my doubt talking or maybe it's my cowardice, but that's where I am at this point. I'm not in the best mood atm so I probably sound like an ass, but that's pretty much how I feel. My gender is mine and I don't want other people defining it for me, deciding what I am.

   I would give anything to be reborn as a girl. I would (and have tried to) sell my soul to the devil to be female. There was a topic when I joined asking if you would trade places with someone to be your preferred sex if it meant living their life instead of your own, and most people said no because they'd lose their family, loved ones. I would do it in a heartbeat. I know that makes me sound like an uncaring bitch (or whatever) to throw away my loved ones like that. But don't we all? They throw us away, but we sacrifice them inadvertantly. We just want to be ourselves, and we hope they can handle it. But when they can't we tell each other, "you're better off without them." But we all know the risk. Isn't that the same thing? I'd throw away my family for a chance to be female. I'm not a bad person, just a hurting one. But I'm too scared to do it. The irony is the good people who wouldn't throw away their loved ones lose them and become happy, and I keep mine and remain miserable.

Hi Jillian! I wish this did not sound so shallow, but I know exactly how you feel and all I can do is give you a BIG HUG. I really wish it could be more. If you ever need to talk, PM me and it will stay private between the two of us. I have lost and am still losing everyone I cared about. Gender Dysphoria is a cruel thing to go through that no one will ever understand. The pain and battle with myself was harder than the biggest fire I ever fought at the Fire Department. It seems you never get a moments rest and are stressed to the max every day. You are confused at every level of your life all the way to your inner self. I did start HRT and it helped me immensely so I hope you decide to go that route. I still have bad days, but not nearly as many as before. I am even considering going back to school and entering the field of Psychology. Seriously, if you ever need someone to talk to PM me. I know how much it helps to talk and know the other person "gets" you and your struggles. Another "BIG HUG" for you baby. 

Jessica, thank you. You're exactly who I'm talking about. You risk it all because you have the courage to live your life, to be free. I've risked nothing. Nobody knows I'm trans.

Nothing you said sounded shallow. Far from it, you're inspiring! If you go into psychology, please consider working with transpeople. You know we need all the support we can get.

Thanks for the warm welcome.

Sorry to double post, but....

I like hugs!

Jillian, you were gone that long!

It never hurts to step away, take a breather, and get your bearing.  I am doing that, myself, right now.

I'm non-binary.  I am perplexed about this stuff every day.  Still learning things about myself.  Still finding the weak points - the hard way - and figuring out what my strengths are.  When we clue in to out authentic selves, it sort of changes the perspective, you know.  There are days that I do not cope well at all.  And there are days when all seems right with the world.

Fortunately, I have good people here to talk to.  So do you!   

Welcome back! I remember you, we talked about your owl/koala/cat? 
Glad you found your way back to us. Hugs, Devlyn

I don't know if this helps, but I vacillate between guy and girl quite often. Some days I feel pretty much guy like or gender neutral. Other days I am a girly girl. I have been on very low dose HRT for two months and it has helped my mental well being immensely.  As explained to me, you can do low dose HRT for a few months without permanent changes to see if it is right. 

For me, HRT has killed my raging libido.  It had also given me amazingly soft skin, and my boob area is sore.  The mental changes are my anxiety and dysphoria have gone from a 6 or 7 to a 1 or 2.

Instead of looking at transition as "I am going to be a woman. " I have instead started to say "I am going to be me." I am a very effeminate looking male... or a butch lesbian... or a lot of things.  It depends on the day or the week. It feels good, though.  The HRT has helped my mental and physical changes, and acceptance that my own path is not a destination, but rather a fluid and ongoing journey (or maybe that is my destination). Knowing that has brought peace and comfort to me. I can be whatever I want to be.

Good luck on this.  Don't worry about HRT. You can go on low dose for a few months without transforming.  Changes happen pretty slow, and you will know mentally if you feel better much sooner. In the meantime, explore your gender and be free to go back and forth until you find what is right .. as much as you can.

Hi Jillian, welcome back!

Amy

Hi Jillian,

Thanks for offering such a raw, naked, honest post. Far from sounding like an insane person, you seem more like an other individual who's experience I can so thoroughly relate to. So often I just what to strip away all the gender bull@^#% that exists in my mind, in this culture, and just be myself. It makes me want to scream! It makes me want to - Well, you know the drill.

I am glad you have found your way back here and hope you find some of the 'whatever it is' you need. I truly look forward to reading more posts, to knowing more about how this all unfolds for you in the coming weeks and months and...

Welcome back.

I don't think I ever got to meet you before, so this is also a "Hi!" message.  I had a few thoughts while reading your post, and you're welcome to them on the grounds that they are worth exactly what you paid for them. 

I think you have *every* right to treat yourself as a woman, present yourself as a woman, and not to take *anybody* trying to put you in "your place" as a woman.  Just because you don't like your culture's gender roles doesn't mean you aren't a woman... it just puts you in the ranks of women who are fed up with the patriarchy.  We call ourselves feminists... I was a feminist long before I even came out to myself.

*hug*

And you are certainly not alone in trying to kill what is different about them.  I tried to kill the woman inside me again and again.  This isn't an easy path.  It, frankly, sucks.  No one who has not gone down it will ever know, truly, what it is like.  Unfortunately, for a lot of us, it is the only road that doesn't lead to self destruction and despair. 

I was a "family man", father of three, working hard on being as manly as I could with my scraggly goatee and slender frame.  I tried cross-dressing for my wife, she was initially enthusiastic, then had a horrible, hateful reaction when she actually saw me cross-dressed.  That was confirmation enough for me, if someone I loved couldn't stand that part of me I had to kill it.  I felt, like I had all my life, that I was a monster and unworthy of love or happiness.  14 years (and much emotional abuse, a separation, a divorce, and much therapy) later and now I have finally admitted to myself that my happiness *is* important, and that anybody who requires me to suppress parts of myself to be with me is someone to avoid.  I refuse to let anyone stand in the way of my transition.

So far, it's gone better than I imagined it would, but then again I have a long, long way to go.

I wish you peace, Jillian.  Whether you transition or not, please know you have a nice, safe, mostly anonymous home here.

*hug*